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Thread: Can good friendship ever become more?

  1. #1
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    Can good friendship ever become more?

    I'm a guy, 32, and I've known this girl for four years. I consider her my best friend. She'd been in a relationship the entire time I've known her, and I've never been "pining away" or hoping for an opportunity some day. I've just been enjoying our friendship, and in fact, over the last couple years, I had become buddies with the guy she was with. But, their relationship recently ended, and he has moved away out of state. And that's gotten me thinking, and I've realized that I actually really like this girl, and would like to potentially explore more.

    But, I understand situations like this probably don't tend to actually work out, right? Obviously, if I pursued it at all, I'd want to give her sufficient time to move on. I just wonder if, given the situation, there's any way I could ever approach it without ruining the friendship? I don't want to lose her, and I don't want her to have the wrong idea and think I've had ulterior motives all along. Part of me feels terrible for having these feelings, and for "betraying her ex". But at the same time, I'm not so sure I can easily make them go away, and I'm worried that me always carrying a torch for her in the future will negatively affect the friendship, as well.

    I just don't feel like I know what the right thing to do is, here. I don't want to lose what I have with her, but I don't want to spend the rest of our lives wondering what if.

  2. #2
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    It has nothing to do with her being a friend, but that she just got out of a LTR. She is nowhere ready to date someone. You will only be a rebound.

    How long were you going to wait before approaching this? When did she break up?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm not sure why any man would put up with a woman who has a male friend who considers her his best friend. It's not a surprise to me that her relationship just ended. If you think this the type of woman you want in your life, I think you're already making the wrong move. She doesn't appear like she has a good head on her shoulders or knows how to create or stick to boundaries in a relationship.

    I think your fear of "losing her" also comes from the fact that you've seen another man "lose her" and you're aware of your own intentions the entire time you've known her while she was in a relationship with someone else. Insecurities breed more insecurities. I'm sorry but I don't think this was good from the start. There's too much duplicity and selfishness, lack of boundaries and you are in danger of being a rebound.

    The right thing to do, if you were thinking of the right thing at the start, would have been to distance yourself when you felt yourself develop more romantic feelings for her early on. You're in a sinking ship so if you feel you want to ask her out and can't help yourself, I don't think you can do any worse other than fear rejection. This would be your ego speaking. You'll get over it though. It was wrong from the start.

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    Has she ever shown you any signs that she might have feelings beyond friendship for you? If not, if you really value this friendship, and if you care enough for this person, then don't do anything at all. She would certainly make it obvious, in some way, if she desired anything more than friendship from you.

    Be thankful for the great friendship. Acting upon the "what if" could very easily destroy what you have with her. Just let your friendship continue to play out, and if anything comes of it, naturally, in the future, great. If not, that should be geat too, a close friend for life. You can't put a price on really good, close friends imo.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    How long were you going to wait before approaching this? When did she break up?
    I don't really have a "plan" for approaching it. I'm mostly just trying to process these things, and figure it out, because I know it will probably be months, at minimum, before she is actually ready to move on. The break up happened less than a month ago. Like I said, I have no intent of immediately springing anything on her. I'm just trying to figure out now what makes the most sense for the future.

    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not sure why any man would put up with a woman who has a male friend who considers her his best friend. It's not a surprise to me that her relationship just ended. If you think this the type of woman you want in your life, I think you're already making the wrong move. She doesn't appear like she has a good head on her shoulders or knows how to create or stick to boundaries in a relationship.
    I mean, I understand why you see it that way, but the truth is, she's not THAT kind of person. She's not disloyal, she's not a cheater, she's not someone who strings guys along. And he was never the jealous or controlling type. Besides, I didn't have any malicious intent of undermining their relationship. She and I were good friends, he was okay with it, and he and I connected later on, too.

    The thing is, I don't know, maybe subconsciously, there was a part of me deep down that was already attracted. But that was never something I really actually thought about these last few years. We've all been friends, and I've been totally happy with that. I never expected their situation to change. When it did change, it shocked me, and it made me start thinking about a lot of things differently.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by RedFox1
    Has she ever shown you any signs that she might have feelings beyond friendship for you? If not, if you really value this friendship, and if you care enough for this person, then don't do anything at all. She would certainly make it obvious, in some way, if she desired anything more than friendship from you.

    Be thankful for the great friendship. Acting upon the "what if" could very easily destroy what you have with her. Just let your friendship continue to play out, and if anything comes of it, naturally, in the future, great. If not, that should be geat too, a close friend for life. You can't put a price on really good, close friends imo.
    I'm not sure. I mean, I'm not very perceptive of "signals" in general, so I wouldn't even know what to look for. I also don't necessarily feel like she would've been "giving me signals" while she was in a relationship. She's not a disloyal person.

    Certainly, the plan for now is to just stay the course and play it by ear. I just don't know that my feelings will fade as easily as I'd hope that they would, and I'm worried that will also lead to problems later on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    No one can say for sure what will happen or what she is or has been thinking.

    This isn't a movie where one day you are eating pizza hanging out and look into each others eyes and just fall into a deep romantic kiss.

    Chances are she will eventually meet a new guy and get into a serious relationship and possibly get married and your friendship will change to an acquaintance or it will just fade away. Most guys will not be cool with a guy that has feelings their gf hanging around as a bestie. So that means you will be on the outs either way so you might as well take a swing at it.

    Give her some time to heal and after a while ask her when she thinks she will try dating again. She may ask you why you want to know so you better have an answer ready.

    Be a friend and when the time comes be brave and talk to her about how you feel. It won't kill you if she isn't interested in a relationship with you and if the friendship ends it ends which is probably best because things have changed and cannot go back to the way they were.

    In the meantime you need to figure out exactly why your feelings changed. What has been going on in your life? What has changed after all these years where she is someone you want to be with romantically?

    Make sure you know yourself BEFORE you do anything.

    Lost

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    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    I don't really have a "plan" for approaching it. I'm mostly just trying to process these things, and figure it out, because I know it will probably be months, at minimum, before she is actually ready to move on. The break up happened less than a month ago. Like I said, I have no intent of immediately springing anything on her. I'm just trying to figure out now what makes the most sense for the future.



    I mean, I understand why you see it that way, but the truth is, she's not THAT kind of person. She's not disloyal, she's not a cheater, she's not someone who strings guys along. And he was never the jealous or controlling type. Besides, I didn't have any malicious intent of undermining their relationship. She and I were good friends, he was okay with it, and he and I connected later on, too.

    The thing is, I don't know, maybe subconsciously, there was a part of me deep down that was already attracted. But that was never something I really actually thought about these last few years. We've all been friends, and I've been totally happy with that. I never expected their situation to change. When it did change, it shocked me, and it made me start thinking about a lot of things differently.
    She was with this guy for 4 years, I think you are looking at about a year before she has processed things. I could be wrong.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    My advice is to leave it alone for now and let the dust settle. If the both of you should grow closer, it'll happen organically. If she wants to kindle a romance with you now so soon after her break up, you should remain cautious and don't jump into anything with her. You don't really know someone in a relationship unless you're dating them so there are aspects about her you just don't know about yet. I think the worst disservice we often do to ourselves in dating is assuming that we know someone before we actually do.

    Keep a cool head and remain a good friend - nothing else at this time.

  11. #10
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    Yeah. Like I said, I have no intention of ever trying to approach it if she's not had time to properly move on. It's not that I'm wanting to act right now. I'm just trying to figure all of this out in the meantime, because I didn't expect to find myself feeling this way.

    And I'm worried about how this will affect the future. I'm worried I'm going to feel bad when she starts dating and ends up with someone else. I'm worried that, try as I might to contain it, I'll skip and say something stupid.

    I do worry about the fact that it's probably unlikely she'll be able to find another guy that's cool with her having a guy friend. But, she seems to have an attachment to me and I also don't get the sense she'd so easily drop me. Not that I'd want her to ever be in the position of having to make that choice because of me.

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