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Thread: Can good friendship ever become more?

  1. #21
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    Wish I could you a specific time for "too long" but it varies. Some people talk a long time to get over someone. Some people can move on quickly. Like most relationship things, it kind of all depends on the people involved. My philosophy is to just go with your heart. When you feel it's right, go for it. There's never a perfect time and it's a risk whenever you say it. You know her best, so you'll know it. When you can't hold it back anymore, when you see her smiling in a certain way .... tell her.

    I'll probably be different then most advice you'll hear, so feel free to do what you think works best for you. I've never bought into the "friend zone." I think it's more a justification guys (and some girls) use to explain that there simply wasn't that level of mutual attraction or that the timing wasn't right, etc. It's not like your boxed into this corner where you can never escape from. Friends can become more, and relationships can end and become good friends. In fact, the foundation of a good relationship is a solid friendship. If things don't work out, it won't be because you were too much of a friend and that caused you to be stuck from becoming more. It's just that it was not meant to be. Which would suck, I know. But it won't be something to beat yourself up over.

    Bottom line, just be you. She already likes who you are. Don't overthink it. Just go for what you want.

  2. #22
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    I actually disagree that because she had a male best friend that she's dodgy or trying to cheat or whatever. I think men and women can actually just be friends if they don't have feelings for each other. One of my best friends is actually male and there was nothing actually there, just friendship. However my best male friend is bisexual but mainly only into guys. That may have something to do with it. It is possible for people to have opposite gender friends though and it doesn't make it sleazy. I actually think it's nice to have opposite gender friends because you can get a different perspective on life from a different gender.

    The good news OP is that being your best friend, you obviously do have a very strong connection with this girl. However it's hard to know whether she did so well just being friends with you because she friend zoned you and only sees you as that. How long has she been single? Personally I'd go for it but only if she's had at least a couple of months to move on. I mean she was in a four year relationship. She's not going to be over it overnight, she needs time. But clearly you do like this girl for real and it's not just infatuation because you know her really well. You are really close to her and obviously truly like her for who she is and this is the real deal for you. I would say give her enough time and then tell her how you feel. She might reject you but if you never try you will definitely fail at getting her. If you try at least you have some chance.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by FenixReborn
    I'll probably be different then most advice you'll hear, so feel free to do what you think works best for you. I've never bought into the "friend zone." I think it's more a justification guys (and some girls) use to explain that there simply wasn't that level of mutual attraction or that the timing wasn't right, etc. It's not like your boxed into this corner where you can never escape from. Friends can become more, and relationships can end and become good friends. In fact, the foundation of a good relationship is a solid friendship. If things don't work out, it won't be because you were too much of a friend and that caused you to be stuck from becoming more. It's just that it was not meant to be. Which would suck, I know. But it won't be something to beat yourself up over.
    Yeah, I've never fully bought into the idea of a "friend zone", but I also understand it can be difficult to change how you view someone. Especially in this situation, she's viewed me as a friend for so long, she saw me develop a friendly relationship with her ex... I'm not sure whether she'll be able to reconcile that, you know?

    More than rejection, the thing I fear the most is how much this might jeopardize our friendship if her answer is no. I mean, I can do my best to approach it in the least "pressure-y" way possible, but if she sees me so much as "just a friend", it might be so jarring for her no matter what that she can't continue being friends. I'm also very concerned that me trying to have this discussion at all will raise a lot of questions. I don't want her to think our entire friendship was a lie all these years and that I was just waiting around hoping her relationship would fail so that I could try to get in her pants. I don't want her to feel like I ever had ulterior motives for being her friend. But that seems like a tricky thing to dodge, here. I dunno.

    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    The good news OP is that being your best friend, you obviously do have a very strong connection with this girl. However it's hard to know whether she did so well just being friends with you because she friend zoned you and only sees you as that. How long has she been single? Personally I'd go for it but only if she's had at least a couple of months to move on. I mean she was in a four year relationship. She's not going to be over it overnight, she needs time. But clearly you do like this girl for real and it's not just infatuation because you know her really well. You are really close to her and obviously truly like her for who she is and this is the real deal for you. I would say give her enough time and then tell her how you feel. She might reject you but if you never try you will definitely fail at getting her. If you try at least you have some chance.
    Yeah, the break up is only a few weeks old right now (and actually, he only finished moving out of her place and moving out of state a week ago). So, I wouldn't pursue anything until she seemed to be in a good place. It just feels hard to read. If she's been unhappy for a while, then maybe she'll be ready to move on sooner. If her "biological clock" is driving her, she might not want to waste too much time mourning a relationship that went nowhere. I don't know the answer to these things, and I don't necessarily know how to discern said things from her. I mean, she seems upbeat and cheerful in our little text chats, and she seems excited to see me next week for the first time in over a month, but I don't know if she's just putting on a happy face, or if she's genuinely feeling like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. I dunno. And I'd hate to miss that window of opportunity.

    What are your thoughts on the relation between me, her, and her ex? I wonder how willing she'd be to reconcile the idea of considering me as an option, knowing that I had a friendly relationship with him for the last couple of years. I mean, he's out of the picture for both of us now, but we're all still friends on social media and stuff, and there's a very loose sense of being "in touch" in a "we still occasionally react to memes from each other on Facebook" kind of way. I don't know that we'll remain in touch beyond that sort of thing, but still.

    I still haven't figured out if pursuing her will ever be "okay", given the friendship I had with both of them, even though I considered her more my friend than him.

  4. #24
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    Sonic, you're dealing with the same problem friends everywhere have dealt with. And sadly, there are no easy answers. Every person reacts differently. Only thing I know for sure is that nothing happens unless you try. So you have to decide if the risk is worth the potential reward. Yes, plenty could go wrong. Plenty could also go right. If you don't try, you keep the friendship, but you'll never know what would have happened. And in my experience, the never knowing is the worse part.

    That you're worried about all these things shows that you're a good guy at heat. No matter how she feels about you romantically, I'm sure she sees that you are a good guy and won't think anything negative or that you were trying to get close to her all this time.

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  6. #25
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    Yeah. I dunno, I just wish I could read her better so that I could more easily figure out whether or not I'd be making a horrible mistake to take the chance. I know she has some kind of "attachment" to me, but I just can't figure out to what extent that attachment is.

    In any case, something I've been realizing now, too, is that it's probably going to be a while before she's had enough time to move on. And while I'm doing my best not to dwell on my current struggle, it's very difficult to get it out of my mind. I've been trying hard to distract myself with work and hobbies, and whatnot, but it's hard to get it out of my mind.

    And because it'll probably take, I dunno, 6 months, 8 months, a year, who knows, for her to move on, that's a long time to be stewing over these thoughts and feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not "impatient", and I'm not wanting to make something happen RIGHT NOW, and I certainly respect and value her enough to want her to move on. I just don't know how I'm going to not drive myself insane with these thoughts for the next 6-12 months.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Have you considered dating someone else and giving this person a miss? You may be having some tunnel vision and limiting yourself.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Have you considered dating someone else and giving this person a miss? You may be having some tunnel vision and limiting yourself.
    I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

    I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

    I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.
    Why not just do what I had suggested earlier? Don't over complicate, just ask a light simple question - has she ever considered you and her or would she? No matter the answer, it won't ruin your friendship or make things weird between you. I am actually speaking from experience here. I've had guy friends ask that, I wasn't interested, but it was such an easy way to say no and we stayed friends. They went on to date other women. It will release you from this anxiety filled situation.

    At the end of the day, the more you drag your feet on this, the more likely the right woman for you is passing you by unnoticed because your focus is somewhere else. At the same time, if this one is the right one, then you two can carry on to a relationship. For you, knowing which way the wind is blowing is a win/win. Stop over thinking this.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SonicHighway
    I've never been good at getting out there and dating, and to be quite honest, I really never connect with women "romantically", just platonically. I've just never found anyone. And now with the pandemic, it's even harder to meet people, and will be for a while.

    I know it would probably be the "smartest" choice to just swallow this and never pursue it, and that may very well end up being what I do. It's just so hard, because she and I actually seem to have such a good connection. I've never really felt a bond with someone the way I do with her. And I like it. And because I never find that "bond" with anyone else, it's difficult to just let it go. So, I dunno.
    I see the dilemma. It's not easy getting over a crush or someone you like. See how it goes and how things unfold.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    At the end of the day, the more you drag your feet on this, the more likely the right woman for you is passing you by unnoticed because your focus is somewhere else. At the same time, if this one is the right one, then you two can carry on to a relationship. For you, knowing which way the wind is blowing is a win/win. Stop over thinking this.
    I really just haven't decided what to do, to be honest. I would like to float the idea, but I'm also scared of losing the friendship.

    Either way, I can't do anything any time soon, because the breakup is still too recent. So, I have to wait for a while no matter what. Which, unfortunately, will only make my anxiety over the whole thing even worse, because I'll be stewing over it for the next several months while she's moving on from him.

    Still, I'm not overly concerned about "missing the right woman" while this is going on, because I'm not meeting anyone new right now, nor will I be meeting anyone new in the foreseeable future, so what am I really missing out on?

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