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Thread: Can good friendship ever become more?

  1. #11
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    I have had a ton of male friends, and we both have zero interests in each other sexually. I have only ever once dated a friend, once. And we're married with two kids and two dogs and a house and are happily married even with bumps along the way.

    Life is too short. If you think she's vibing, then ask her on a real date. Like with activities (boating, hiking, zoo, museum (if open), anything different from hanging around your pads) and dinner and flowers. You've been friends, so if you want to get out of the zone, you must romance!

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Without over complicating things or ruining the friendship, I'd say at some point down the road, if the moment feels right, simply ask her if she had ever considered you and her in a romantic way or would she ever consider that. See what she says. Don't pour out any kind of feelings, confessions, etc. Just a simple question and the answer will tell you what you want to know without risking your friendship if that answer happens to be no. Keep it very light like that and it won't create awkwardness or tensions.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Regardless of the fact you don't want things to change, you're being unrealistic. Even with same sex friendships, there's a possibility they will change whether for better or worse because of personal changes and priorities. Male/female close friendships have different dynamics--very different, and at a higher risk of fading or ending. I know I'd never have dated my now husband if he'd said he had a female best friend. It's just something I'm not comfortable with. There's a smaller pool of people out there okay with this, so the both of you would have to find partners fine with this, so what's the possibility of that happening?

    And basically, how will you bond with a new gf when you're pouring your emotional time and energy into a female best friend you hoped for more from? It also raises ethical questions. If a new dating prospect asks, "Do you have a crush on your bestie?" What will you say?

    Have I known people who were friends, dated others, and then eventually married each other? Yes, I knew of one couple who did and had a son, four at the time I knew them, so their relationship had been successful for quite a while. I lost touch because it was just a co-worker.

    My suggestion? Don't think of her as your best friend, because labeling something like that that's bound to not last will psychologically upset you even more when it wanes. Sure, still be friends but expand your world and hang out with other guy friends more often. When enough time has passed, yes, I'd have a conversation with her, saying that you two get along so well, that you've been wondering if you two should give dating a go. She will give you the feedback you need. If it's a no, sure, it will be awkward for a while but it will pass. But again, if it's a no, you're going to have to stop spending so much time with her and begin to think of her as just one of the guys. If she questions why you're distancing yourself, be honest and let her know that going on as you have been, being besties and spending tons of time together, is not going to be conducive to you being able to get attached to a romantic partner. If she truly cares, she will take your best interest to heart and comply. If she only cares about an ego boost and her own needs, she will ignore your wishes, and you'll have to be stronger and move on, setting your boundaries. Good luck and keep us updated!

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Without over complicating things or ruining the friendship, I'd say at some point down the road, if the moment feels right, simply ask her if she had ever considered you and her in a romantic way or would she ever consider that. See what she says. Don't pour out any kind of feelings, confessions, etc. Just a simple question and the answer will tell you what you want to know without risking your friendship if that answer happens to be no. Keep it very light like that and it won't create awkwardness or tensions.
    ^ I think this is great advice!

    If you want to know, just ask her and be simple about it. I wouldn't wait too long. Not everyone needs tons of "recovery time" after a break up. I think there are times when people may have emotionally been out of their previous relationship for a while. But everyone is different, there's no right or wrong. But IMO, if you wait too long she may have another bf.

    I see no reason you can't ask her soon and casually. If the answer is no, then you don't have to worry about a time frame. If the answer is yes then she will have it in mind for whenever she is ready to date- be it a month or more.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    ^ I think this is great advice!

    If you want to know, just ask her and be simple about it. I wouldn't wait too long. Not everyone needs tons of "recovery time" after a break up. I think there are times when people may have emotionally been out of their previous relationship for a while. But everyone is different, there's no right or wrong. But IMO, if you wait too long she may have another bf.

    I see no reason you can't ask her soon and casually. If the answer is no, then you don't have to worry about a time frame. If the answer is yes then she will have it in mind for whenever she is ready to date- be it a month or more.
    Yeah, as far as time goes, that's something I wonder about, because I kinda get the sense she's been unhappy for a while now. Around this time last year, they were having some problems, and she had told me then she was thinking about ending things with him. But then they seemed fine after and she never told me anything more about their relationship issues or anything, so I just assumed they'd worked everything out.

    She has been kinda distant with me this whole last year, and it feels like this last year has been more of me hanging with him than with her. But, now that he's gone, she seems excited to get back on track with me, and she seems upbeat just from the texts we've occasionally been exchanging. I haven't actually seen her in a little over a month, so we've not actually talked, but she's either pretty happy or she's putting on that face for me, though I don't know why she would, as she's always been pretty transparent about how she's feeling.

    Either way, if there's an opportunity, I certainly don't want to miss it, but I also don't want to "pounce", and I wouldn't want to come at her about it if she's not actually there yet. At the same time, I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to waste too much time in life, as she seems to really want marriage and kids in the next few years. So, I really don't know what her time frame will end up being for recovery.

  7. #16
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    Nice guys don't pounce, but they also don't get the girl (I mean, don't wait - the longer you do, the more you overthink. The more you overthink, the most anxious you get. The more anxious you get, the more you don't do anything about it). I would take her out to a meal, and ask her point blank, "why is it that we've never dated?" Let her answer. If she says, "well, I don't know," or "you never seemed interested," then ask her out then and there. Now if she says, "because we make better friends," then jump ship & bail on asking her out. But if the that last time, makes you heart feel super deflated, I think you need time to decompress on how you feel, because you deserve someone who wants you back.

    And if she says, "I never thought of you that way before" then you can say, "how about now?"

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    Nice guys don't pounce, but they also don't get the girl (I mean, don't wait - the longer you do, the more you overthink. The more you overthink, the most anxious you get. The more anxious you get, the more you don't do anything about it). I would take her out to a meal, and ask her point blank, "why is it that we've never dated?" Let her answer. If she says, "well, I don't know," or "you never seemed interested," then ask her out then and there. Now if she says, "because we make better friends," then jump ship & bail on asking her out. But if the that last time, makes you heart feel super deflated, I think you need time to decompress on how you feel, because you deserve someone who wants you back.

    And if she says, "I never thought of you that way before" then you can say, "how about now?"
    Heh, sure. Though the reason we never dated is because she's always been with her ex since I met her. In any case, I guess there are low pressure ways to float the idea, so if I ever feel so inclined, hopefully I can use one of those instead of fumbling into something stupid.

    The timing is still going to be tricky to me. I don't know how I'll ever know when it's appropriate.

    The other thing I still think about is, well, her ex. I wonder if my friendly relationship with him will make her feel less inclined to consider me. Granted, he's out of state now. Still, there's a part of me that feels guilty, especially because before he left, he told me I was the first "new" friend he had made in the last several years. He expressed an interest in staying in touch, and I was open to it. I haven't really heard anything from him since the last time I actually saw him a few weeks ago before he moved, though. We're still all friends on social media, though. I dunno. It's like... I'd feel bad trying to get with "his" girl, but at the same time, he's not in the picture anymore, and if she and I were both interested, I don't necessarily think we should hold back just because of what her ex might think. But then, I wonder if that's just me looking for justification for being a bad person. Sigh. I dunno.

  9. #18
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    The situation can work. I was the one interested in someone else only to have my heart broken. She was the good friend who supported me through it all who had feelings for me. She let me work through my feelings first, just being a great friend. And one day I realized my feelings for her. And it happened a lot quicker then you would think.

    I think you are handling things well. Be a friend to her and just enjoy being around each other and doing things together. You don't need a plan, trust your gut. When the moment is right, you'll feel it. When you tell her, be honest. Just don't wait to long.

    I also wouldn't feel bad about the ex. You can't control who you are attracted to, and you are not doing it to intentionally hurt him. If they are not together, you should be able to pursue what will make you happy. And he can be sure that you will treat her well.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear that. It doesn't seem like buzzing around in the friend zone is going to help.

    In fact the more you do this the more it places you into a platonic place. You've become a male-girlfreind .

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by FenixReborn
    The situation can work. I was the one interested in someone else only to have my heart broken. She was the good friend who supported me through it all who had feelings for me. She let me work through my feelings first, just being a great friend. And one day I realized my feelings for her. And it happened a lot quicker then you would think.

    I think you are handling things well. Be a friend to her and just enjoy being around each other and doing things together. You don't need a plan, trust your gut. When the moment is right, you'll feel it. When you tell her, be honest. Just don't wait to long.

    I also wouldn't feel bad about the ex. You can't control who you are attracted to, and you are not doing it to intentionally hurt him. If they are not together, you should be able to pursue what will make you happy. And he can be sure that you will treat her well.
    Yeah? I mean, what counts as "waiting too long"? I really have no idea what a reasonable amount of time for her to move on and be open to new possibilities would look like.

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry to hear that. It doesn't seem like buzzing around in the friend zone is going to help.

    In fact the more you do this the more it places you into a platonic place. You've become a male-girlfreind .
    What actually constitutes a "friend zone", though? I've always felt like there was maybe enough "distance" between us that it's not typically felt like I'm a "male girlfriend", but I really don't know, as I'm not familiar with what that dynamic is usually like, and how not to be that.

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