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Thread: ex boyfriend

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    I'd say because he is skittish, weak, emotionally confused, afraid of hurting heróand, much like her, afraid of severing their tie for good. Not cool, by any stretch. Guess I'm just seeing this as the sort of sad mess two people often find themselves in when, in the wake of breaking up, they don't allow for real time and space to heal.

    Can point fingers at places where they've both failed to meet their highest expectations of themselves, but the big lesson here might just be a simple: time to really do the thing that was done 1.5 years ago, which is to let go and move on.
    The truth i have to admit is that i would like to see him and ask him directly if this is the end. It would be a better closure but a dangerous one too, cos seeing him after all this time could make things even harder. I already know that its wrong. But I am still confused.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Do you really want a guy who can deceive you so smoothly? That's the question you need to be asking yourself. Can you ever trust him?

    As for why....if he had told you the truth, you would have been gone long ago instead of sticking around stroking his ego. Deceit is never about love, caring, or kindness of any sort.

    In your shoes, I'd tell him to take a long hike off a short pier and delete and block him. No need to listen to more bs, especially from a guy who already knows he can dupe you. This is really your wake up call to do now what you should have done back then and actually start healing and moving on, start looking forward instead of in the rear view. If you look at his behavior, dumping him was the right thing to do, so finish the job and go no contact.
    One part of me wants to block him , especially cos i cant wait any longer and one another wants to hear what he has to say. I need a closure and maybe i wont have a proper one if i wont hear what he has to say and if i dont ask him the things i want to know and understand.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "Closure" is a myth. It exists when a person realizes and accepts the relationship is over and that it's for the best.

    But as you pointed out (very insightful of you BTW), what people usually want when they insist on in-person meetings for "closure" is another chance to convince the person to change their mind about them. So just be prepared in case things don't go the way you hope they will.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by nobody111
    One part of me wants to block him , especially cos i cant wait any longer and one another wants to hear what he has to say. I need a closure and maybe i wont have a proper one if i wont hear what he has to say and if i dont ask him the things i want to know and understand.
    Closure doesn't come from him, it comes from you. Closure is nothing more than you deciding to close the door and move on. It's a decision and you might find that it's rather freeing, scary, but freeing.

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  6. #25
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    "Closure" is a myth. It exists when a person realizes and accepts the relationship is over and that it's for the best.

    But as you pointed out (very insightful of you BTW), what people usually want when they insist on in-person meetings for "closure" is another chance to convince the person to change their mind about them. So just be prepared in case things don't go the way you hope they will.
    Yes i know already it can go very wrong , but on the other hand i believe a hard face to face truth maybe will help me understand it once and for all and face the reality. Maybe after what happened i wont even feel the same anymore when i will look at him. And he will be forced to be honest cos he cant avoid my questions or lie in front of me anymore. The hard thing is the time i have to wait for this to happen and if it really worths it.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Closure doesn't come from him, it comes from you. Closure is nothing more than you deciding to close the door and move on. It's a decision and you might find that it's rather freeing, scary, but freeing.
    Exactly and this is why i dont want to be left with anymore questions , looking back and wondering about things that remained without an asnwer.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Why do you "have" to wait? How much of your life do you want to spend waiting on this ex of yours? Isn't life too short to spend it waiting around for mythical "closure"?

    You come across as young. Please don't waste your precious, beautiful youth waiting on an ex.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Here's the thing: You will alwaysóalwaysóbe left with questions, looking back and wondering. That is what happens when relationships end, and there's no getting around it. Part of why it's best to give yourself very real time and space away from someone, rather than keeping in contact, is because the questions eventually lose their potency and we get enough answers, from our own spirits, to not really care so much about the loose ends, to not really wonder anymore.

    I think you need to be dead honest with yourself, right now, in terms of what you want. Seems to me that the thing you are most afraid of losing is the idea that maybe, just maybe, there is another shot between you guys. That idea has made the past year and a half a little easier, in ways. But wanting to keep that idea afloat is very different than actually wanting to be with someone, similar to how riding a bike with training wheels is very different than riding a bike.

    Your continued contact, up to now, has been training wheels. Leaning to really ride (i.e. closure) is not going to come from asking him how fast to pedal, but from just unscrewing the training wheels and figuring it out. Very scary, for a stretch, and then incredibly freeing.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Here's the thing: You will alwaysóalwaysóbe left with questions, looking back and wondering. That is what happens when relationships end, and there's no getting around it. Part of why it's best to give yourself very real time and space away from someone, rather than keeping in contact, is because the questions eventually lose their potency and we get enough answers, from our own spirits, to not really care so much about the loose ends, to not really wonder anymore.

    I think you need to be dead honest with yourself, right now, in terms of what you want. Seems to me that the thing you are most afraid of losing is the idea that maybe, just maybe, there is another shot between you guys. That idea has made the past year and a half a little easier, in ways. But wanting to keep that idea afloat is very different than actually wanting to be with someone, similar to how riding a bike with training wheels is very different than riding a bike.

    Your continued contact, up to now, has been training wheels. Leaning to really ride (i.e. closure) is not going to come from asking him how fast to pedal, but from just unscrewing the training wheels and figuring it out. Very scary, for a stretch, and then incredibly freeing.
    The idea of us getting back together eventually was in my mind all along. Even when i didnt know it, it was always there. And somehow it maybe still is. Not sure tho , after what happened. And somehow i want to see if there is one last shot for us or not. If i even really want him or not. By looking at him. But i am not sure if i want to do that or not. And if i will regret later if i wont do it or not. The situation sucks. But i know one thing.. If we didnt live so far apart and i could meet him the next days and not in an uncertain time ,i know i would go and meet him...

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Why do you "have" to wait? How much of your life do you want to spend waiting on this ex of yours? Isn't life too short to spend it waiting around for mythical "closure"?

    You come across as young. Please don't waste your precious, beautiful youth waiting on an ex.
    The reason is.. I am emotionally attached. He is important to me. Cos he was my first... And the only person i ever felt as family, even more than my real family.. So now u can imagine how disappointed and confused i am , i never expected him to lie like this and i am still torned between my feelings.

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