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Would you be mad at this too or am I just being dramatic?


AnneMartina

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My boyfriend was complaining about his job recently. He lives an hour away from me. He works in retail in a place an hour away from his home and has really awkward hours from one week to the next. He commutes every day. I was unemployed so I was looking for work. I heard that a local factory near my home was hiring people. I sent my CV in and I offered to make him a CV and cover letter too and to drop it in with mine.

 

He received a call for an interview on Monday. They wanted him to come in on Wednesday but he was working so he just flat out said no, sorry, I can’t.” I questioned why he did that when he was off on Tuesday and could have asked if he could have come in then instead. He always obliges at work and puts himself out to suit the store. Surely he could have asked to even finish work a bit early on Wednesday. He called them back about Tuesday and didn’t mention Wednesday. Unfortunately they couldn’t interview him on that day. That was the end of it.

 

Part of the reason he suddenly wasn’t that bothered about the offer was due to the fact that he got a promotion offer to assistant manager in his current role. The pay rise was only 80c. However, if he accepted the factory job then he would have weekends off, better pay, regular hours and he would save money on fuel as he could commute from my house that’s only 10 mins away from it. Rent free.

 

I got offered a job there today. Now I’m working week days and only god knows what hours he will be on. He used to be able to get one day off at the weekend. I asked him if he could ask at work if they could give him one day off at the weekend. Even for a while until I get stared in my new role and after a while I could ask about getting a day off during the week now and then. He flat out just said “no. I know they won’t give me it.” “Lol not a chance.”

 

Now, at this point I’m wondering if I have a right to be a bit pissed off or not? The way I see it is that he wasted 2 hours of my time and effort making him a CV and he declined a better job offer that would have made it a whole lot easier to see each other. We have been doing long distance for years and only seeing each other once a week. He seems to have no assertiveness at work and will literally do anything the boss asks him. Even if it makes life awkward for him. I’ve been getting tired of it lately. I know a relationship is a two way thing and I’m willing to try and work something out too. Although, if we can’t I don’t know what will happen with us.

Would you be a bit annoyed if your partner was acting like this? Or am I just being a bit selfish?! Opinions on the situation would be much appreciated. Thanks x

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I think you aren't seeing the forest for the trees.....

 

This is who your bf is, this is his personality. It doesn't matter if he is working here or there, he'll continue to be himself and do what he does. Even if he was able to go to the interview and got a job at the factory, it's only a matter of time before he'd be working extra hours, doing extra work for his new manager, etc, etc, etc. This is how he is and you can't change him or fix him or push him into being a different person.

 

It also works for him in that he did earn a promotion and will likely move on up again and again precisely because he will always show up, do whatever, never ask for anything, keep his head down, etc. The very things that you don't respect about him will make him successful and give him job stability. He is the sort who gets moved or promoted while others get laid off.

 

That said, if you want a bf who has more of a spine, who will take time off to spend more time with you, etc, you have valid needs and concerns. You just have to realize that for what you want, you'll need to find a different kind of a guy. This guy isn't it.

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Try not to micromanage him or his job or CV or time. Instead consider how much longer you want to be pulling teeth to see someone or have a relationship. Make sure you don't get in mothering mode or fixing mode or talking at him to no avail. Overcompensating like this is making you angry at yourself. He's just coasting along as usual. That's who he is.

 

Unfortunately there have been problems with you telling him all this: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565648&p=7233735&viewfull=1#post7233735

I can't see us working out if he keeps acting this way.
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He probably didn't appreciate you interfering with his career. What you did was very mother-like and it's kind of a turn off (for me, at least) for someone to tell me my job is inferior or something and then try to push me to do something else.

 

Does he see his current job as an issue? Does he complain that it interferes with time he'd rather be spending with you?

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You've answered your own question: "I can't see us working out if he keeps acting this way and it would've been perfect for us if we both got a job there."

 

It's his life and if he lacks motivation, that's all on him. Then there's the unfortunate long distance and commute time. Again, it's his choice, his life. You need to ask yourself if you want to be part of his life and constantly accommodate his work hours, long commute, inconvenient logistics to see one another and deal with a taxing relationship.

 

You're not selfish nor harsh. Sure, you can tell him how you feel about his behavior but it won't change anything. He'll do what he will with his life and job situation. It's out of your realm. All you can do is navigate your job and your life. Then you make the decision regarding whom you wish to share your life with regarding convenience vs. inconvenience. The choice is yours.

 

Remain realistic when evaluating your relationship. Unfortunately, love does not conquer all. Always look at what is reasonable and practical.

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I never told him that his job was “inferior.” He was complaining that he didn’t like the job and was trying to get a new job and even looking and applying elsewhere at the time. Due to the current cris it’s hard to get work anywhere. I told him about this place near me and asked him if he wanted me to leave a CV for him in there. The CV he had was very specific to a certain type of job so i helped him to re-structure it. English not being his first language is also why I did this. I didn’t force him to do anything though

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I never told him that his job was “inferior.” He was complaining that he didn’t like the job and was trying to get a new job and even looking and applying elsewhere at the time. Due to the current cris it’s hard to get work anywhere. I told him about this place near me and asked him if he wanted me to leave a CV for him in there. The CV he had was very specific to a certain type of job so i helped him to re-structure it. English not being his first language is also why I did this. I didn’t force him to do anything though

 

Just because someone complains, doesn't mean they want it fixed. Some people are simply like that - they like to complain and that makes them feel good. So watch his feet not his mouth - you did all the work for him and he didn't stop you, but when it came to his part, agreeing to an interview, he literally said NO and that's that. That should clue you in about where his head is really at.

 

If that doesn't work for you, then end the relationship instead of driving yourself crazy trying to make him be what you need. He isn't. It doesn't make either one of you a bad person, just two people who aren't all that compatible after all.

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It seems like you meant well, but he also seems like the stubborn type, no?

Due to the current cris it’s hard to get work anywhere. I told him about this place near me and asked him if he wanted me to leave a CV for him in there. The CV he had was very specific to a certain type of job so i helped him to re-structure it. English not being his first language is also why I did this. I didn’t force him to do anything though
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Perhaps a conversation about how he feels about where the relationship is right now and what he’d like it to look like ideally is in order? For you to gauge where he is at and also for him to know that you expect this to be temporary and would like the status quo to be different. If there is a good amount of overlap in what you both want going forward then it’s time to create a plan to get there. If there is no overlap this relationship might have run it’s course. It happens sometimes that relationships settle into a holding pattern in the dating stage and the two peoples lives never become more intertwined. If that is what is happening here (because I think when you say how you want the relationship to look going forward you’re going to find out he likes it how it is now) then you would be doing yourself the ultimate kindness to cut him loose and fly solo. You won’t be available to meet someone who actually wants to build a life with you otherwise.

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To be fair, you offered to make the CV and send it in for him. You tried to push for him to go for the job when he didn't seem like he wanted to. So I don't think you should be upset with him over that part. However, I see that your intentions were sincere and that you were doing it because you care about him and want him to have a better job where you would be happier. So you shouldn't feel bad about that either.

 

Talk with him about how you are feeling. He is giving more of himself to the job then to you and it's alright to be upset by that. You can't have a relationship if you barely see each other. This is bothering you and it's not healthy for you to hold it in, so you need to tell him. It's also not healthy for him to give so much to his job. If the relationship is going to work, you need to come together and figure out how to move forward.

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Well, congratulations first of all on getting the job. Good work. I think you ought to celebrate that (nevermind your bf for a moment!).

 

Instead of telling him how you feel (this could have the potential to derail or become a bit heated..) you could ask him what his thoughts are about his current position and see if he's happy there. This could be a misunderstanding regarding what makes you happy as individuals in your own careers. If he is happy there or tells you this you need to respect that regardless of the relationship working or not. Are you willing to accept him for who he is or what his aspirations are? I'm also curious what he thinks of you or your career path?

 

Also second, have you both talked about where you see this relationship going? Something else that crossed my mind while reading your posts is he might not see himself with you in the long term. I know this sounds harsh but a person who is looking to build a life together might be a bit more vocal or might read how upset you are in this particular instance for example and want to work with you or find out how to work through these situations.

 

I'm thinking here more along the lines of problem-solving and being compassionate and actively engaging with each other. Do you find that he's able to do this or are you sort of left in the lurch for a lot of situations?

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I think it's pretty clear from his reaction (or rather, inaction) to your prompting that he does not want to work at this factory.

 

As the others have said, he might be one of those folks who likes a sounding board to vent, but isn't actually looking to change the things he vents about. He doesn't seem keen to switch jobs, and there's not much you can do about it. Whether it's because he fears change or actually enjoys the spot he's created for himself, he isn't going to be leaving his current position any time soon.

 

I think you two need to sit and talk about you future as a couple. Let him know you'd like to see if you two can find a way to close the distance, and whether he's on the same page. He might be stalling and hesitating to come closer (geographically) for a reason that is unrelated to job prospects.

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Unfortunately he is happy with the status quo and you are not. He's fine limping along .

 

Basically you are incompatible but you want to fix and change him. Does he live with his family?

 

Is there a significant cultural and language barrier?

 

Are you prone to be ambitious for some future outcome? Is he on island time? Stop listening to his complaining about his job.

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Some people are happy enough with their lives and don't want to change anything. Your boyfriend might complain about his job, but it could be a case of "better the devil you know" and maybe there are aspects of it that offset the negative stuff, eg maybe he gets on well with his colleagues? I did nearly 4 years of dating someone who lived an hour from me and he told me he would never move from his own town. In his mind we'd just date forever, rather than ever moving in together or getting married. Have you ever talked to him about finding a place together that's halfway between your respective jobs? Maybe that would be a compromise.

 

Maybe your boyfriend likes seeing you but wants to retain his independence and/or wants to stay living where he is rather than moving into your house and working in the same company as you too. If that's the case then you'll need to decide if that's what you want for yourself going forward.

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Parenting another adult is the most unsexy thing you can do. It also ruins your relationships and makes you miserable. I'd back off, and next time BF complains about his job, I'd respond kindly, "Honey, I learned my lesson from getting too involved in your business. You're free to tell me what you'd like to do about the problem, and I'll just listen or ask questions to help--and I promise I won't over-step to try to solve this for you."

 

Trying to make a lover live the way you'd prefer is a no-win goal. Skip that, and become self sufficient in making your SELF happy regardless of what BF does or doesn't do. You will thank yourself later.

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To me it seems like your boyfriend is actually unassertive and a pushover in all aspects of his life. It actually sounds like he didn't really want the job at the factory but because you wanted him to apply, he agreed to oblige you. But in the end he didn't really want it and that's why he didn't bother to make time to go to the interview. Sounds like he just agrees to things because other people want him to do it.

 

The thing is people don't change. This is who he is. You can't tell people how to be, what job to have. That is up to them. Don't try to take control of his life like writing his resume and applying for him. For one thing it doesn't challenge him and make him work for things like an adult. He should be writing his own resume and applying himself. Even if English is not his first language but he can use Google translate and some help from you, but he has to do it himself.

 

I think the only thing that you have control over is whether you want to continue dating him. That is your choice, you can either accept your boyfriend as he is, or you can find a new boyfriend. I doubt he will all of a sudden get a new personality that suits you better.

 

If I was dating someone for a few years and I only get to see them once a week, I wouldn't be happy with that either. I want to get married and have kids so I would have wanted the relationship to progress to living together already or at least spending a lot more time together. But of course it depends what you are looking for. Everyone wants a different style of relationship.

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