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Thread: Sadness over my husband and my family

  1. #11
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Well, OP, if it is only about your husband not liking to go to family gatherings, that doesn't make a marriage "different" IMO.

    Your marriage is between your husband and you, your shared moments and activities, the outings you do together and/or with your children.

    Wiseman does make a point here:

    " Perhaps you are close to them but many people simply don't want to be joined at the hip with their in-laws.
    "


    Your husband isn't that unusual in not wanting to go to family gatherings.

    I will endorse Redswim's post, in particular:

    "No one likes to feel attacked and making sure our spouses feel accepted and loved no matter the circumstance is incredibly important.
    Make sure that he knows that you love him as he is, not just an image you had of him or a husband in general. Does he have a medical professional to help him with his anxiety? If not, he should seek care."

  2. #12
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I used today my husband's family celebrated garbage day. Any reason to get together. My family almost never got together for anything so I sure didn't like all of his family gatherings and hated going. He used to get on me about not going and sometimes I'd reluctantly go and then I was miserable. Eventually I stopped going. He did make excuses for me but ultimately he just said - she didn't come, or she's not here. That was that. No excuses, no long winded reasons why I was absent. I was glad when he gave up pressuring me to go.

    Dont make excuses for your husband, tell the others he couldn't make it or similar words. Then change the subject.

  3. #13

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    All very helpful and lots to think about. Thank you lots

  4. #14

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    Good points-thank you!

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  6. #15

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    It helps to hear the other side of it. My family sounds like your husbands. Iíve let go of him attending the silly get togethers. But Iíd really like him to be there at Christmas. Did you attend holidays?

  7. #16
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Are you asking me about holidays? Sometimes I did, as I didn't want to seem totally rude! Many years for Christmas I went to my parents and he went to his, it was just easier that way. My mother would have the mother of all hissy fits if I did not go to her place on Christmas day, so she made things hard too.

    Eventually we moved pretty far away, too far for a day trip, so that ended all the family BS which is what it was to me.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Do you mind me asking a bit more about the family dynamics? You're calling it anxiety but it may be outright bullying and condescension in your family and him feeling left out or not fitting in. Not everyone has the same or similar upbringing or the same sense of humour especially if you were raised in different parts of the world or there are different cultures mixing. Some forms of discrimination are subversive and present in tone and type of language used. Not everyone is aware of what they're saying or how they're saying it. Have you heard the saying, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions"? Whether or not a person believes in hell or whatever that is is besides the point. Being well-intentioned is only 50% of the language being spoken to a person. The rest is in the delivery and how people behave towards one another.

    Don't fight about it anymore or put any pressure on him to conform if he doesn't want to go to those outtings. You can't force someone or cajol someone to do something that makes them so uncomfortable they'd rather avoid it.

    Look at the big picture whether your marriage is salvageable in other areas and how you can bring more positivity to your outlook. You can't make anyone else positive or change someone else's perspective so stop trying to move these mountains. Focus on you and what you can do to uplift yourself and encourage yourself in your marriage and in your relationships with your family. I think people will feel drawn to you wherever you go if you start working more on you and what you choose to do in your daily life. Don't try changing others for your own motives. It doesn't work that way.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    My husband was bullied by one of my cousins the first time he met my extended family before we got married. This cousin was stupid drunk and kept making loud cracks about my husband's ethnicity (family is Latino, my husband is Caucasian). My husband (boyfriend at the time) couldn't make a move without my cousin making one of his loud cracks. So of course he wasn't a fan of attending family events after that. My cousin did apologize the next time we were all together (I had to really talk my boyfriend/future husband into attending) but still, it was very off-putting, understandably.

    Has your family made any kind of disparaging or critical comments to your husband? If so, did you defend him?

  10. #19
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    Why not get together in a smaller group with a relative he thinks likes him?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    LR. I cannot for the life of me understand why people cannot have manners and be kind and polite to others who are visiting at their home. It bewilders me completely.
    Gatherings are supposed to be happy occasions, well that is the idea anyhow!

    WE don't have occasion to attend many gatherings, but when we do it sure is a grand bash. Good humour, good fun, good conversation and all the rest. It is simply not done at gatherings (family and/or friends) to engage in sniping and outright verbal brawling.

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