Jump to content

Really struggling with breakup. Any advice much appreciated


jtq07myu

Recommended Posts

Just looking for a bit of advice and possibly a way to clear my head.

 

My ex partner (40 male) and I (31 female) split up 5 weeks ago and were together for just over year and a half. Whilst there was occassional bickering, i genuinely belieevd the relationship was going pretty well and was solid. He split up with me last summer after a drunken argument, saying that we just weren't good for each other, that it wasn't right and that we were bad influences on each other. However after a few weeks he started contacting me again, we started meeting up and spending time together and eventually just naturally ended up back in the relationship, which was exceedingly better this time around. Fast forward a year and lo and behold, after another tiff he ultimately tells me that he is bored, that it's not right and that he doesn't want to do it anymore. I give him a week space and ring him up to find out exactly where we stand and he spews out every break up cliche in the book. We're not good for one another, he's bored,we argue all the time, he doesn't like who he's become, he likes me but he doesn't love me, he's not having fun, we are bad influences on each other, he doesn't see it long term. I am absolutely heart broken, and i replay those cutting words every day over and over in my head. Then he also comes out with 'Of course i care about you, of course i have feelings for you. But it's just not right'. I am just really struggling to come to terms with it all. I was genuinely blindsided and really thought things were going well, we had just been on holiday the week before and were planning another trip away together. I don't for one moment believe the whole relationship was a lie and that he didn't care about me and am struggling to understand where this has all come from? Clearly it has been building up for some time.

 

He has contacted me a few times since although i've asked him not to repeatedly. Asking to go for food but then taking it back because 'no you hate me, forget it'. Asking for some of his more important things back (glasses and a gift from his mother, i can get rid of everything else if i wish to, apparently). He wrote a friend of mine to make sure he was looking after me, asking how i was and said the he thought i was wonderful but it just wasn't right. A few weeks ago he indirectly he said another friend of ours he's happy to have me join them for drinks, and was asking for me repeatedly that night.'Is she coming or not. She hates my guts at the moment so she might be avoiding me'. He thought it would be good to normalize us hanging around together again, to get rid of the awkwardness. I did not show up in time and he went home.

 

I have removed him from my social media in the hopes that i can attempt to move on with my life. But i suppose i am just not there yet. I really really care for him, am absolutely drawn to him as a person and wonder if there may be any hope of reconciliation somehwere down the line. He has now taken 10 days off to go on a walking holiday. I think this might be to get some head space. I know this is something he did when he went through particularly nasty breakup with his ex girlfriend as well. I am just wondering if perhaps there might still be a sliver of hope to salvage this in the long run, or if i just need to really close this chapter in my life. Any thoughts and/or advice would be much much appreciated, as this is eating me up inside.

 

 

--------------

 

He has literally just messaged me asking me if i am working. I am actually losing my mind.

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. Sadly it sounds like a turbulent volatile on/off roller coaster ride. Pull yourself together and delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Don't date people who repeatedly toss you in the trash on a whim and resort to verbal abuse and manipulation. Ask your people not to communicate with him.

He split up with me last summer after a drunken argument, saying that we just weren't good for each other, that it wasn't right and that we were bad influences on each other.

 

Fast forward a year and lo and behold, after another tiff he ultimately tells me that he is bored, that it's not right and that he doesn't want to do it anymore. We're not good for one another, he's bored,we argue all the time, he doesn't like who he's become, he likes me but he doesn't love me, he's not having fun, we are bad influences on each other, he doesn't see it long term.

He has literally just messaged me asking me if i am working.

Link to comment

I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I just recently got out of a relationship myself and the best advice I can give you is to completely remove him from your life. You don’t need the manipulation and drama. I would block him from having a way of contacting you. He sounds like he is the type of person that doesn’t know what they want and will never truly be happy with what they have.

Link to comment

This man doesn't love you. At this point, he is just pulling you back for his ego sake to see if you will come back running, but he's not actually interested as he becomes bored with it not long after.

 

Stop giving him the time of day. You don't need to be someone he decides is all of a sudden interesting when he has nothing else going on. Don't let yourself be treated like that.

 

He gave you the whole speech of 'it not being right, he's bored, and so on'...twice now. End it, don't contact under any circumstance.

 

You need to heal in order to move forward and hopefully one day find a man who actually loves you and is over the moon to have you.

 

It's not this guy.

Link to comment

Probably not what you want to hear, but on again off again relationships are fundamentally toxic and the best thing you can do is step away from that permanently.

 

Block him on everything and ask your friend to never mention him to you again.

 

As for being blindsided....the first time he dumped you like that, I can see being blindsided. The second time though.....if you say you are blindsided, you are being a bit dishonest with yourself. He is doing exactly what he has done before and there is nothing surprising about that.

 

I'm not sure what you so much like and admire about a man who can be so cruel to you......

Link to comment
I'm not sure what you so much like and admire about a man who can be so cruel to you......

 

Absolutely.

 

The fact that he tosses you whenever things are a bit turbulent, should give you a huge message on how much he values you.

No relationship is perfect, there is always going to be ups and downs. But if he's willing to dump you this easily, that shows zero respect, zero love.

He deserves the same back.

 

Block. You deserve better.

Link to comment

you can say you are struggling but what you are going through is something called as withdrawal effect. When you are in such toxic relationships one of you is the giver and the other takes you all granted. Your whole system is trying to resist and adjust to the new normal, what you need to know now is that this relationship if it was a normal loving respecful relationship none of this heartaches breakups blaming will have ever happened. This was a unhealthy relationship where he got what he wanted and you went through all his BS.

Time to stand up for yourself tell yourself you deserve better and don't ever settle for people who just treat you like this. Never look back or let yourself be treated like this ever again. Love yourself so much that you never settle for such weird characters in life.

Link to comment

You are struggling because you are still in contact. You know that this has no future, you need to block and delete. You want a third round of this?

 

" he likes me but he doesn't love me" This should be enough incentive to not want a repeat.

 

Also, tell your friends not to bring him up.

Link to comment

I'm sorry you're going through this. He sounds very broken and imbalanced. Stay away from individuals who make complaints like this. What stood out to me most were his points for breaking up. You're in a lot of heartbreak now but you'll be able to see this a bit later once you allow the dust to settle.

 

Bored of you? Is he 12? This is a sign of a very immature or unstable person.

 

It appears more to me like he's got commitment issues and engages in a lot of self-sabotage. This person just isn't cut out for any form of respectful relationship at all.

 

This also stood out to me:

 

'Is she coming or not. She hates my guts at the moment so she might be avoiding me'. He thought it would be good to normalize us hanging around together again, to get rid of the awkwardness.

 

How is it that someone who breaks your heart has the audacity to make comments or even dream to presume to think he knows what you think or what you feel? Inappropriate. This is an impatient person also. There are all kinds of wrong in this scenario. Please cut your losses, look at the rest of your life infront of you and don't stoop so low. This is bottom of the barrel. Look up. There's a lot more to look forward to and live for than this kind of life.

Link to comment

This guy is absolutely certain that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore.

I know that hurts but in time and with no contact the hurt will become less until you no longer hurt and become indifferent.

 

He does however feel somewhat guilty , possibly because while he was happy to go along with the relationship for a while , he was never invested in it long term.

He is ok for you to be in the same company as you for two reasons. One it doesn’t hurt him to see you but more than that it alleviates his guilt.

But certainly not because he is regressing.

 

Since you have mutual friends, pass his belongings on via a friend.

Block him on all platforms and ask your friends not to discuss him with you as it hinders your break up process.

 

Catch up with friends that are not mutual friends.

 

In time you will realise the relationship was never going to be solid.

On off relationships just don’t work. One or other always has a foot out the door.

It’s not healthy.

 

Take care and best of luck.

Link to comment
He split up with me last summer after a drunken argument, saying that we just weren't good for each other, that it wasn't right and that we were bad influences on each other. However after a few weeks he started contacting me again, we started meeting up and spending time together and eventually just naturally ended up back in the relationship, which was exceedingly better this time around. Fast forward a year and lo and behold, after another tiff he ultimately tells me that he is bored, that it's not right and that he doesn't want to do it anymore. I give him a week space and ring him up to find out exactly where we stand and he spews out every break up cliche in the book. We're not good for one another, he's bored,we argue all the time, he doesn't like who he's become, he likes me but he doesn't love me, he's not having fun, we are bad influences on each other, he doesn't see it long term.

 

Asking to go for food but then taking it back because 'no you hate me, forget it'. Asking for some of his more important things back (glasses and a gift from his mother, i can get rid of everything else if i wish to, apparently). He wrote a friend of mine to make sure he was looking after me, asking how i was and said the he thought i was wonderful but it just wasn't right. A few weeks ago he indirectly he said another friend of ours he's happy to have me join them for drinks, and was asking for me repeatedly that night.'Is she coming or not. She hates my guts at the moment so she might be avoiding me'.

 

I can't believe this guy is 40.

 

He sounds emotionally retarded.

 

I'm being dead serious.

 

I haven't seen such BS since I was in my late teens.

 

Can't you do better???

 

Come on.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...