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Am I being too sensitive or not?


perception12

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I am a very independent person and I’ve been this way all my life. I am nearing retirement. I am in a relationship now for almost a year and my boyfriend wants to get married like yesterday. I have been putting this decision off simply because I don’t even wanna deal with potential backlash for my children since they don’t leave I need to marry again although they do want to be with somebody but perhaps just living with them. I always said that I would marry again after losing my husband nine years ago if I found the right person. The person I am with has many many qualities that I need and want. We genuinely love each other. But sometimes that he acts in ways that upsets me. It also makes me wonder if he’s the right person despite the way we feel about each other and the qualities that I do see.

 

Example when we were discussing marriage and he kept on saying to me what is it that you want? Do you want to be alone the rest your life? He further said you know I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you and I certainly would never leave you. He then went on to talk about my late husband and said you know he smoked a good part of his life and he should’ve known that that would eventually kill him. He went on to say my late husbands selfish behavior continuing to smoke and then if he really loved me he would not behave in this way. Obviously, I was very upset because even though I know my late husband should not have smoked for all the years that he did love me and our kids. I also know he did try to take care of himself by quitting cigarettes smoking and only occasionally smoking a pipe. Either way, he certainly didn’t want to leave me and the kids and loved all of us a great deal and once he did get cancer he tried everything in his power to power to to survive. After I told my boyfriend how upsetting this was to be he did apologize several times and said it was really not his place to say that and i explained to him that my husband thought he was take care of himself and try to beat the diagnosis. Is this a really red flag which is something that he could apologize for that I don’t have to worry about? It just seems so self-serving to advance his agenda to for me to say yes to marry him right away and to put my late husband down which is completely insensitive inappropriate in my opinion.

 

The next day I was crying b/c of what he said thinking about the suffering my husband went through trying to live with treatments so he didn't have to leave me and our children... He apologized several times and I told him that my husband tried to take care of himself but he wasn't perfect and tried to live after diagnosis and love me and the kids - we were his world. I even told him that I had to tell my husband he wouldn't live to see another day (after doctors told me that info)...I live with that nightmare every day even 9 years later.

 

If he loves me, why would he say such things and upset me? Even if he thinks that's true (which it isn't), why say that to advance his agenda to get me to say yes to marry him?? Is this a red enough flag to leave him? Like I said above, we do love each other but that statement is almost abusive if you ask me.

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First of all, OP, your late husband should not even be a topic of conversation between you, at all. Your late husband is private between you and him. Anyhow, how does this man know so much to begin with about your late husband? Did he know him perhaps?

 

Moving on:

 

"I don’t even wanna deal with potential backlash for my children since they don’t leave I need to marry again although they do want to be with somebody but perhaps just living with them."

 

Your children are not your overlords and guardians. If you want to marry again (whet this present man or anyone else) that is your business. Don't let them bully you.

The only reason they don't want you to re-marry is the possible "inheritance" they are afraid any man you marry might get instead of them!

 

You are putting off the marriage decision NOT because of what this man says or doesn't say, but because you are afraid of a backlash from your children.

 

Oh, and by the way, OP, spend your money on yourself, enjoy your life, don't cut back just to "leave" your offspring a pack of money which they'll spend like sand through their fingers. If they have their own jobs, careers and are doing all right they do not need your money. Likewise, if you marry again, and many many widowed people do, then you can make some kind of separate estate arrangement through a lawyer as regards your own assets/property.

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Anyone trying to pressure you into anything, but especially marriage is a huge red flag. Telling you things like "do you want to spend your life alone" is manipulative. Putting down your late husband to again pressure you..... I don't even have the words for that. It's really an awful and callous thing to do and no, an apology doesn't wipe it away. He is an adult who should and does know better than to speak like that. He chose to hurt you.

 

On top of that, if you've only known each other for a year, then it's just too soon to talk marriage, let alone rush into it. You are learning now that you really don't know each other enough to take that step and you are just now starting to see his true colors and they aren't pretty.

 

I don't think you are being too sensitive here. I'd advise caution going forward. Most people I know approaching retirement or retirement age are happy to live together but not interested in marriage precisely because of children, estate planning, retirement funds, etc. Those who are pushing hard for marriage are usually looking for financial support and a nurse. Beware.

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I don't understand why he would bring this up, as it is hurtful and not relevant to your relationship. This guy sounds like he is putting on a lot of pressure and is quite manipulative. Big red flag time!!!!

 

How is he with money? What are some of the other things he does?

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Welcome to ENA

 

My first thought reading your words is "this guy is not marriage material" Please do not marry him UNTIL you know him better and even live together a while like at least a year or more.

 

His behavior speaks of a man that will say just about anything to convince you to walk down the isle with him. My question is: What is the rush? It isn't like you want to start a family and have babies. There is a growing population of mature people out there that have their own places after divorce or being widowed that like the way things are and do not want to give up their way of life by getting married again.

 

Is there some sort of religious reason he wants to get married? Financial? (my guess) Housing? Does he want someone to cook and clean for him?

 

Do you live together?

 

Do you own a house?

 

Does he own a house?

 

How is your compatibility in lifestyle? financially? spiritually? sexually? emotionally?

 

When it comes down to it if you felt right about this you wouldn't be finding reasons not to marry him. He has validated your concerns with his denigration of your late husband.

 

Keep posting and answer our questions so we can help you better.

 

Lost

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In essence I agree with Lostandhurt. And some of the questions he asks.

 

However you did say OP:

 

"I always said that I would marry again after losing my husband nine years ago if I found the right person.

 

And that is what you want, OP, and it is your prerogative. Truth to tell I would feel exactly the same if I were to be widowed. I would want to marry again, not any other kind of arrangement. I respect those who want to live in separate homes and all that. It's a choice. But many widowed people DO re-marry and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that choice.

 

You've been widowed nine years, OP, so you know what you want. However, do proceed with caution and listen to your intuition.

 

Could I ask where and how you met this man?

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To wear you down. Never jump into marriage like this. Listen to your kids. Anyone who wants quick access to your assets is a giant red flag.💰🚩

my boyfriend wants to get married like yesterday. why say that to advance his agenda to get me to say yes to marry him?? Is this a red enough flag to leave him?
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I don't see where this man said he wanted "quick access" to her assets. But yes to OP, do proceed with caution and don't rush into anything.

 

And your children are not marriage counsellors or any other kind. It is none of their business what you, an adult woman, wishes to do. If I had a pound for every time I hear of "children" trying to stop their parent from finding happiness again I'd be very wealthy. And always based on selfish motives.

 

Again, do not marry this man if you have any doubts whatsoever. We here don't know him, but I expect there are outsiders (not your children) who may know more about him.

 

Even if a saint from heaven were to appear in your life tomorrow your offspring won't want you to marry him!

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Besides the insensitive and disrespectful comments about your late husband, this comment is really manipulative Do you want to be alone the rest your life?

 

If you don't marry him, yet stay together, how would that be alone? Besides, he's not the only man on the planet. And being happily single is always an option.

 

All in all, his attempts to get what he wants is self serving and showcases a pretty ugly part of his character.

 

Appealing to someone to marry you should be a warm fuzzy moment. Not one that feels like pressure and causes you to be upset.

Think about that.

 

Like I said above, we do love each other but that statement is almost abusive if you ask me. What we think about this comment doesn't matter here. It's your experience that does.

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OP. I would still like to know how this man knows so much about your late husband, how much he smoked, what he smoked and so on. Did you give him all this information?

Or, is this man someone who actually knew your family all along? That's why I asked earlier where and how you first met.

 

I have to agree that the comment "Do you want to be alone the rest your life?" is insensitive and rather rough and ready.

 

P.S. No word from OP.

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OP. I would still like to know how this man knows so much about your late husband, how much he smoked, what he smoked and so on. Did you give him all this information?

Or, is this man someone who actually knew your family all along?

 

I have to agree that the comment "Do you want to be alone the rest your life?" is insensitive and rather rough and ready.

 

P.S. No word from OP.

 

Sharing how you lost your spouse is really quite normal and not some taboo subject. It would be more weird if the OP refused to talk about it. If he passed away due to cancer caused by smoking, that's certainly something she is free to share and it's not TMI. The fact that this man she is dating then used this information to put down her late husband is quite frankly completely callous and out of line.

 

That also goes for wanting to get married at some point IF she ever meets the right man. This man, however doesn't sound like a good prospect. As another poster pointed out - marriage is something that should be joyous to both people, something to look forward to mutually. At no point should that be a stress filled, manipulative, and pressured affair.

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I agree DF that there is nothing wrong with saying (briefly) how one's spouse died.

I am still seeing TMI here though. Unless, as I remarked, that this man already knew OP's family and husband from previous times.

One mightn't think so, but I am a closed book where personal information is concerned. Then again we are all different.

 

And I agree here:

 

"marriage is something that should be joyous to both people, something to look forward to mutually. At no point should that be a stress filled, manipulative, and pressured affair."

 

Absolutely marry if you wish OP, but to the right person.

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I would never do anything to hurt you

 

This already is a big fat lie, as he has said and done multiple things to hurt you.

 

If as others have said it's an issue of him getting access to your assets... consult with a lawyer about how to protect your assets from this man prior to getting married.

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This already is a big fat lie, as he has said and done multiple things to hurt you.

 

If as others have said it's an issue of him getting access to your assets... consult with a lawyer about how to protect your assets from this man prior to getting married.

 

I just wouldn't even recommend marrying a man who is willing to hurt you and lie to you like that and yeah, people who don't want to hurt you don't say things like that, they simply act with consideration to begin with. Whenever someone says things like "I'd never lie to you, I'd never hurt you, I'd never leave you, etc." These are all scary statements to beware of because the person saying those things is trying to convince you and someone who is genuine simply is - it wouldn't even occur to them to convince.

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I think his strong opinions regarding your late husband come across as rather harsh. He should've been more sensitive to your and your children by wording it better and more gently. In other words, he should've exercised discretion and tact. He should've expressed compassion or erred on the side of caution by remaining silent.

 

Some people can take criticisms and opinions whereas other people consider certain deliveries to be rude, inappropriate and obnoxious. It really depends on the personality of the person receiving this information. Since you don't like what you're hearing nor how he communicates (or corresponds) with you, he will always be direct with you which you will find off putting. This is not distinct only to the topic of your late husband and his smoking. This way of speaking or writing to you will be the same regardless of the subject. I doubt you'd be happy being married to someone who doesn't consider your feelings. It is a form of disrespect, apathy and indifference.

 

If he badgers you, it's abuse. If this is the way he habitually expresses himself to you, it's his foible. I've encountered people like this all my life. You either accept them the way they are, tolerate them, enforce boundaries with them, dissolve the relationship or eliminate them from your life. It's your choice.

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thanks to all above - it has been difficult to say the least.

No, he didn't know my husband at all but I did tell him about his smoking to some extent in the past.

What is so perplexing is that he has a heart of gold - he is caring, loving and thoughtful to me and my kids. But I think he is so anxious about me being with him all the time he went overboard and while he did apologize I really don't think he realizes how rude or worse his words were - even when I cried the next day (and I've never cried in front of him before).

He can have a big mouth and I've told him to always think before you say anything to anyone to avoid hurt feelings, etc. Sometimes he just doesn't do that. He is a blunt person and I don't mind that but when he just lets his mouth run for the purpose of advancing his agenda, that just isn't right.

Not sure how I will proceed. I love him and like I said above it's taken years to find someone I feel I am compatible with but every time I look at him now, I think about what he did even if he apologized afterwards.

fyi: I would always prefer living together for a while as a "test" before marrying but he's been insistent that he will not sell his home and business and move to me without the legal commitment. Other option he says is for me to move to him for a while b/c my work is remote (his is not) but that would create a burden on me since I also have a home to take care of and do need to go onsite to work at least 1-2 days per week.

We live about 100 miles apart.

Not sure any of the above info changes any advice, but thank you again!

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Some people are blunt and people on the receiving end can either handle it or not. I have some people in my life who are like that and while I'm polite to them, I tend to steer clear of them because their personality doesn't mesh with mine.

 

Some people are complex. They're blunt yet have their good sides to them. You either have to accept them they way they are warts and all or go your separate ways since they're not agreeable to you.

 

Some people find conversations to be competitive and they always have to have the last word. They're an egotistical prideful lot. Those types of people are exhausting to me.

 

If you have misgivings about marriage, then listen to that little voice inside you and your gut instincts. Take heed because it's always right on the mark.

 

If it's not feasible to move in together, then do what is practical for your separate real estate properties, logistics and jobs.

 

If something continues to bother you about his personality, it will be worse if you live together and if you're married. Better to know his quirks now than later when it's mighty inconvenient.

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So sorry about all this.

 

I'm not going to address in detail the hurtful and insensitive nature of his comments and what they may say about his character, since others have done so and since, in the end, you're the only person who can decide how deep that cut is.

 

But in terms of the overall picture? In ways, the main issue here seems simple to me—or at least clear—in that you two have very different views on marriage. He wants it, wants to be in a relationship that is building toward marriage, believes that after a year or so marriage should be front and center. That's his value system, what he requires for security, and all that existed in him before he knew you existed. You, best I can see, don't sound as keen on getting married. Open to it, sure. But be it nerves about how your children would react or potent feelings from your past, it doesn't sound as essential, as urgent. And that all existed, in you, before he knew you existed.

 

If your relationship is a hiking boot, this disconnect is the pebble in the heel: easy to ignore early, manageable for a stretch, but now it's making the hike a hard one. The most generous view of the recent exchange, along with the pressure, is that it's a symptom of that divide: a graceless reaction to the frustration of the pebble.

 

So, how to address that divide? How to remove the pebble? What I wonder is: Have you expressed to him, clearly, that what you'd like is to live together first, to feel things out that way, to build and build, slowly and intentionally, your love and commitment and then celebrate what you've built through marriage? If you have and he just dismisses it? Well, bad sign. If you haven't? Well, maybe there's some room to be seen and heard and understood—and for the gap between you to close, a bit, and find harmony.

 

Other thing to think about, in the privacy of your own mind? The degree to which your aversion of marriage is connected to some gut sense that he's not the person you want to marry. I ask that because if you're interested in living together first, odds are that's going to require some life changes along the lines of the burdens moving in with him would create. Those are all manageable, at least when you want to manage them.

 

Not fun to think about, I know, but being married to someone you're not sure you should be married to is much less fun.

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This relationship needs more growing if it's ever going to be on the same page for the both of you. You've been through far too much for him to comprehend and not everyone walks the same path in life or encounters the same challenges. You've cited "agenda" several times in your initial post which gives me some idea of how much pain and distress you're feeling. Someone who is perceived to have an agenda is someone who is perceived as being manipulative and self-serving. For the victim of an agenda, there's a deep sense of hopelessness and terrible betrayal. I also think you are still deeply protective of your memories of your late husband - there is a lot of residual grief there. Have you ever tried to seek counselling during or after?

 

I think it's a good idea to address your grief with qualified professionals who know how to talk you through it and give you ways to express yourself. You haven't healed. Who is anyone to say what being healed to you looks like? My idea of it is recognizing that the past has happened but also recognizing that there are unpredictable events in life that can inflict further damage, provide further commentary, bruise and cut up old scars and open wounds again. If you have worked through this grief of loss of your husband, it might mean acknowledging that these comments are inappropriate but also trying to work through it in a way that doesn't completely undermine your current relationship. The idea that both of you aren't matched well doesn't come from just his inappropriate comments. It also comes from your work on yourself and healing after grief or terrible loss.

 

Cancer isn't pretty and there are a number of us who have come face to face with it either with ourselves or our loved ones. You don't have to hide that fact or downplay it. It's nasty and it's dehumanizing. That pain and despair near death or in sickness is overwhelming. Burying loved ones that have gone before their time is painful. I'd encourage you to speak with someone if you still relive these memories or if facing another serious commitment like marriage to another person is bringing up these feelings of anxiety and fear. I think it's residual loss and grief lingering.

 

From his reactions and words it doesn't sound to me like your partner has any idea nor does he seem to have any reference point for what these parts of your life were or what they meant (he's never lived through anything like it). This is why I don't think you're well-matched. I agree with you.

 

Go slow and get to know each other a bit more and don't let him pressure you into anything else. If he's remorseful, take a step back and breathe. People are allowed to say sorry and make amends. It's up to you to forgive and, again, whether you've done that work working through your grief and loss. Nothing is set in stone right now but let the dust settle and give yourself some time to collect yourself and process everything. Hope you feel better soon.

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You should always be 100 percent confident in marrying, and you don't, so you shouldn't at this point. You've gotten so much good advice that I only want to add that you need to be very careful about your finances and retirement funds. Read all the rules. In my case, with my 401K plan, I'm not allowed to remove any money from it without my spouse signing off that I can. If I were to retire and didn't want to have a survivor benefit annuity, my spouse has to sign off on that as well. With my pension, being married at least ten years, if I were to divorce, my ex would be entitled to half of my pension eternally, and half of my retirement savings, whatever that amount is, on the date of the divorce.

 

So, even if you do feel 100 percent confidence in marrying someone, consider the consequences if it doesn't work out and your retirement and pension funds that you've worked 40+ years for could totally be cut in half. Sometimes having a lifetime partner is more beneficial than marriage, but each person should consider all the pros and cons of each decision, and to use the brain and not just the heart to make those decisions.

 

I'm also alarmed by his statement of never leaving you and never hurting you. Those sound like con-artist words to me. I know I've never said that to anyone. As Maya Angelou said, a woman who'd been physically and emotionally abused in her past and spoke from experience, "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time."

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I agree with Holly as regards a prenup.

 

You seem to be well aware of your inner voice OP, given that you are expressing your misgivings here to us. Some people are blunt to a fault (look no further than ENA lmao), but if this is not the man for you, despite his other good qualities then only you can decide. Do you maybe feel it might be difficult to find someone else to marry? As regards the legalities, that depends on where in the world you are located OP. And I am quite sure you would consult a solicitor anyhow, in advance of marrying anyone.

 

I always said that I would marry again after losing my husband nine years ago if I found the right person

 

I understand you completely.

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