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Thread: Am I being too sensitive or not?

  1. #1

    Am I being too sensitive or not?

    I am a very independent person and Iíve been this way all my life. I am nearing retirement. I am in a relationship now for almost a year and my boyfriend wants to get married like yesterday. I have been putting this decision off simply because I donít even wanna deal with potential backlash for my children since they donít leave I need to marry again although they do want to be with somebody but perhaps just living with them. I always said that I would marry again after losing my husband nine years ago if I found the right person. The person I am with has many many qualities that I need and want. We genuinely love each other. But sometimes that he acts in ways that upsets me. It also makes me wonder if heís the right person despite the way we feel about each other and the qualities that I do see.

    Example when we were discussing marriage and he kept on saying to me what is it that you want? Do you want to be alone the rest your life? He further said you know I love you and I would never do anything to hurt you and I certainly would never leave you. He then went on to talk about my late husband and said you know he smoked a good part of his life and he shouldíve known that that would eventually kill him. He went on to say my late husbands selfish behavior continuing to smoke and then if he really loved me he would not behave in this way. Obviously, I was very upset because even though I know my late husband should not have smoked for all the years that he did love me and our kids. I also know he did try to take care of himself by quitting cigarettes smoking and only occasionally smoking a pipe. Either way, he certainly didnít want to leave me and the kids and loved all of us a great deal and once he did get cancer he tried everything in his power to power to to survive. After I told my boyfriend how upsetting this was to be he did apologize several times and said it was really not his place to say that and i explained to him that my husband thought he was take care of himself and try to beat the diagnosis. Is this a really red flag which is something that he could apologize for that I donít have to worry about? It just seems so self-serving to advance his agenda to for me to say yes to marry him right away and to put my late husband down which is completely insensitive inappropriate in my opinion.

    The next day I was crying b/c of what he said thinking about the suffering my husband went through trying to live with treatments so he didn't have to leave me and our children... He apologized several times and I told him that my husband tried to take care of himself but he wasn't perfect and tried to live after diagnosis and love me and the kids - we were his world. I even told him that I had to tell my husband he wouldn't live to see another day (after doctors told me that info)...I live with that nightmare every day even 9 years later.

    If he loves me, why would he say such things and upset me? Even if he thinks that's true (which it isn't), why say that to advance his agenda to get me to say yes to marry him?? Is this a red enough flag to leave him? Like I said above, we do love each other but that statement is almost abusive if you ask me.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    First of all, OP, your late husband should not even be a topic of conversation between you, at all. Your late husband is private between you and him. Anyhow, how does this man know so much to begin with about your late husband? Did he know him perhaps?

    Moving on:

    "I donít even wanna deal with potential backlash for my children since they donít leave I need to marry again although they do want to be with somebody but perhaps just living with them."

    Your children are not your overlords and guardians. If you want to marry again (whet this present man or anyone else) that is your business. Don't let them bully you.
    The only reason they don't want you to re-marry is the possible "inheritance" they are afraid any man you marry might get instead of them!

    You are putting off the marriage decision NOT because of what this man says or doesn't say, but because you are afraid of a backlash from your children.

    Oh, and by the way, OP, spend your money on yourself, enjoy your life, don't cut back just to "leave" your offspring a pack of money which they'll spend like sand through their fingers. If they have their own jobs, careers and are doing all right they do not need your money. Likewise, if you marry again, and many many widowed people do, then you can make some kind of separate estate arrangement through a lawyer as regards your own assets/property.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Anyone trying to pressure you into anything, but especially marriage is a huge red flag. Telling you things like "do you want to spend your life alone" is manipulative. Putting down your late husband to again pressure you..... I don't even have the words for that. It's really an awful and callous thing to do and no, an apology doesn't wipe it away. He is an adult who should and does know better than to speak like that. He chose to hurt you.

    On top of that, if you've only known each other for a year, then it's just too soon to talk marriage, let alone rush into it. You are learning now that you really don't know each other enough to take that step and you are just now starting to see his true colors and they aren't pretty.

    I don't think you are being too sensitive here. I'd advise caution going forward. Most people I know approaching retirement or retirement age are happy to live together but not interested in marriage precisely because of children, estate planning, retirement funds, etc. Those who are pushing hard for marriage are usually looking for financial support and a nurse. Beware.

  4. #4
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    I don't understand why he would bring this up, as it is hurtful and not relevant to your relationship. This guy sounds like he is putting on a lot of pressure and is quite manipulative. Big red flag time!!!!

    How is he with money? What are some of the other things he does?

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Welcome to ENA

    My first thought reading your words is "this guy is not marriage material" Please do not marry him UNTIL you know him better and even live together a while like at least a year or more.

    His behavior speaks of a man that will say just about anything to convince you to walk down the isle with him. My question is: What is the rush? It isn't like you want to start a family and have babies. There is a growing population of mature people out there that have their own places after divorce or being widowed that like the way things are and do not want to give up their way of life by getting married again.

    Is there some sort of religious reason he wants to get married? Financial? (my guess) Housing? Does he want someone to cook and clean for him?

    Do you live together?

    Do you own a house?

    Does he own a house?

    How is your compatibility in lifestyle? financially? spiritually? sexually? emotionally?

    When it comes down to it if you felt right about this you wouldn't be finding reasons not to marry him. He has validated your concerns with his denigration of your late husband.

    Keep posting and answer our questions so we can help you better.

    Lost

  7. #6
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    In essence I agree with Lostandhurt. And some of the questions he asks.

    However you did say OP:

    "I always said that I would marry again after losing my husband nine years ago if I found the right person.

    And that is what you want, OP, and it is your prerogative. Truth to tell I would feel exactly the same if I were to be widowed. I would want to marry again, not any other kind of arrangement. I respect those who want to live in separate homes and all that. It's a choice. But many widowed people DO re-marry and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that choice.

    You've been widowed nine years, OP, so you know what you want. However, do proceed with caution and listen to your intuition.

    Could I ask where and how you met this man?

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    To wear you down. Never jump into marriage like this. Listen to your kids. Anyone who wants quick access to your assets is a giant red flag.💰🚩
    Originally Posted by perception12
    my boyfriend wants to get married like yesterday. why say that to advance his agenda to get me to say yes to marry him?? Is this a red enough flag to leave him?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I don't see where this man said he wanted "quick access" to her assets. But yes to OP, do proceed with caution and don't rush into anything.

    And your children are not marriage counsellors or any other kind. It is none of their business what you, an adult woman, wishes to do. If I had a pound for every time I hear of "children" trying to stop their parent from finding happiness again I'd be very wealthy. And always based on selfish motives.

    Again, do not marry this man if you have any doubts whatsoever. We here don't know him, but I expect there are outsiders (not your children) who may know more about him.

    Even if a saint from heaven were to appear in your life tomorrow your offspring won't want you to marry him!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Besides the insensitive and disrespectful comments about your late husband, this comment is really manipulative Do you want to be alone the rest your life?

    If you don't marry him, yet stay together, how would that be alone? Besides, he's not the only man on the planet. And being happily single is always an option.

    All in all, his attempts to get what he wants is self serving and showcases a pretty ugly part of his character.

    Appealing to someone to marry you should be a warm fuzzy moment. Not one that feels like pressure and causes you to be upset.
    Think about that.

    Like I said above, we do love each other but that statement is almost abusive if you ask me. What we think about this comment doesn't matter here. It's your experience that does.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP. I would still like to know how this man knows so much about your late husband, how much he smoked, what he smoked and so on. Did you give him all this information?
    Or, is this man someone who actually knew your family all along? That's why I asked earlier where and how you first met.

    I have to agree that the comment "Do you want to be alone the rest your life?" is insensitive and rather rough and ready.

    P.S. No word from OP.
    Last edited by LaHermes; 09-09-2020 at 01:54 PM.

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