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Thread: I donít know if I should divorce my wife.

  1. #1

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    I donít know if I should divorce my wife.

    To start I married someone from Vietnam. I knew her for 5 years, met here in Vietnam to propose, and brought her here then married her.

    When she came here she knew she would live with my parents. While I work on and fix a house next door. My parents need me to stay with them to help financially.

    We had an argument and my parents joined in. Now she is staying at her relatives saying she will not return to this house. She wants us to get an apartment together.

    I told her that my parents wonít be able to afford this place and it not like we would be living in the same house once the other house is fixed up. But she still wonít comeback and has stopped talking to me. Also when she would talk to me it was like it wasnít here messaging me. It was like her relatives are telling her what to say.

    Also two days after the fight I got a call from her doctor and found out she has Chlamydia. I tested negative for it. I wanted her to do a paternity test where they get the babies DNA from the mothers blood.

    She is pregnant and part of the conditions for her to stay in the United States is that she would have to live with. I keep telling her I canít stay married to you and live in separate home because we could get in trouble.

    Iíve talked to an attorney about filing for divorce but I donít know what to do. The attorney said that thereís a possibility I could get full custody of itís mine because she doesnít have a green card yet.

    I donít want to do this to her but I donít see any other options. Any advice would help.

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. I'm not sure if maybe you're expecting her to be fine with the parents situation because she's from Vietnam and I know in the Asian culture adults often live with parents. I must say though that as a Western woman I wouldn't be happy with this situation either. I don't want to live with my partner's parents. I want my own space and privacy. You said you had an argument and your parents joined in. It shouldn't be like that. You are the married couple and it should be between the two of you, without the parents meddling. I don't really blame her for wanting your own apartment if your parents get involved in your relationship. That's just my personal opinion on the living situation.

    Regarding the other things...I think she's being immature to ignore you and not come back to the house at this stage. I understand she wants your own place soon but the silent treatment and not coming home is passive aggressive and immature. You are her husband so why is she wanting to live away from you? Reharding chlamydia. Yes that does seem suspicious, especially as you don't actually have it. So the question does beg where she got it from. I would suggest though don't do anything rash just because you had a fight. If you want to do the paternity test then yes I suggest you get one for your own peace of mind. Have you asked your wife if she cheated on you? I think you actually need to talk to her directly and ask her all this. Otherwise how can you know what's really going on. I understand she's ignoring you but maybe you could ask her to meet and talk in person?

    If you are the baby's father then do you think you'll stay with your wife? Or have your feelings about her actually changed?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    She most likely will talk to immigration lawyers and divorce lawyers herself.

    Keep in mind marriages of convenience involving green cards and foreign brides could land you in trouble.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Why did her doctor violate medical ethics? No doctor should be talking to anybody but the patient about their medical issues.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    You can't blame her for her family jumping into the arguments , when yours did, too.

    Do you think she cheated on you? Did I miss that part?

    I think the advice to talk to divorce and immigration lawyer is good. Also think about do you really want to divorce her? Why did you marry her? The baby? The green card? love?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    She has Chlamydia. The chances that the baby is yours, is very low if you've tested negative for chlamydia.

    She is cheating on you. That's reason alone to divorce.

    However, you're not totally without fault either. You cannot, nor should not be involving your parents in any business that has to do with you and your spouse and then essentially ganging up on your spouse. 3 against 1 is completely unfair and terrible to do to someone.
    Your parents don't need to know your business when it comes to you and your spouse and have no right to know about what you're fighting about.

    Neither of you should be in a relationship. Neither of you are good partners. But you should definitely divorce.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    IMO, adults need to plan for their elderly years without relying on financial help from children, so if they can't afford their house, they should sell it and downsize, moving into a place they can afford. Yes, there can only be only one queen bee in the hive, so it's no surprise these sorts of issues arose. What was your plan when the other house if fixed up and you move into it? How are your parents affording to live where they do without you paying rent? Would no local woman date you since you live with your parents, and that's why you thought to do a LDR relationship? Apparently, the LDR relationship didn't offer the knowledge about her you needed to know to be making such a major decision as marriage and bringing a child into the world.

    What are you willing to do to save the marriage? Counseling? Moving into an apartment or expediting fixing up the house next door and moving in? Now that there is a child involved, if you are biologically the parent, you need to do what's best for the child, and that means not taking him/her away from his/her mother with full custody. If it's not your child, perhaps divorce is a possibility, but if she gets a green card regardless of the divorce, you will be financially responsible for her for 10 years besides child support, as per the legal papers you signed for her to come to your country to marry you. It's probably in your best interest to stay married if she is not a cheater, so counseling will probably be the only way for you two to learn to communicate more effectively. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Wouldn't it have worked out better if your parents moved to a place they could afford, and you live somewhere you can afford and still help out your parents?

    I agree I don't blame any spouse that has to deal with their in-laws, especially living with them.

    Anyways, looks like your in a pickle. Find out what they hell she's been up to, get a paternity test, and in 6 months get tested again for STDs. You may have tested negative, but it could be a false negative.

    Weigh your options with the lawyer, if you choose to get a divorce. If not, seek marriage counseling, and sort out the living arrangements with your parents to make this work. There are many options, take your time, breathe, think. Take care of yourself.

  10. #9

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    The Doctor told me because I am authorized on her account because she doesnít speak English very well.

    Another thing is before she came. Someone in Vietnam messaged me and told me she was cheating on me. She asked me to trust her and I did.

    I donít think she understands how it looks

    I also feel like when I text her, itís not her talking to me. I think she lets her relatives talk for her.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well.....can you ever really get past the cheating part now that you know it's true?

    Also, I don't think any stranger can tell you what to do about the child and the marriage. You have some incredibly hard decisions to make and you've got to figure out what you want and what you can live with best. Maybe for now wait on the paternity test results. If the child isn't even yours, I'd think your choices will be easier to make.

    Of course if she refuses to talk to you and you have other family members speaking for her, then you might not have a choice but to serve her with divorce papers and be done. You can't really deal with, stay married to, or otherwise coparent with someone who both refuses to communicate and cooperate with you and also cheats and lies.

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