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Thread: Iíve had enough of my mom and my sister, advice needed

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    While gossip is not cool, your mother can and should speak to whomever she wants. If you want bullet proof confidentiality, you'll have to talk to a therapist, physician, attorney or clergy. They are bound by this, not your mother. If she speaks to others about this or that then do not disclose "secrets". The burden of your privacy is on you, not her.
    Originally Posted by jennylove
    I do ha e the right to confide in my own mom and expect privacy.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Ok honestly I get feeling sad that your mom chooses not to keep information you share to herself after you have asked her to. My mom used to do the same thing, not out of any maliciousness, but she liked to gossip. And it was a small town she lived in where I grew up, where there were plenty of people (including some family) who I didn't want being privy to the details of my life.
    So here's a fun way to deal with it - just start feeding false and outrageous information. Keep anything you wouldn't want out in the open to yourself. You aren't going to change her. And from what you say, there is codependency there anyways that requires you learning to be less dependent on leaning on her anyway for all forms of support. You can still get loved up by her with some distance. You can still love her. Actually, you might find it becomes a lot more relaxed once you let go of hoping she can provide something she just can't.
    I think I was pregnant about 5 times according to the gossips in the town, had a few affairs, way more exciting than my real life :) It doesn't even matter if it's real or believable or not, some people just want gossip over coffee. So storytell away!

  3. #13
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    From my experience moms tell siblings about each other it just comes out .

  4. #14
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Your 70 year old mother is not Ft. Knox and no, you cannot hold her up to the standards and expectations that you have. If you want something to remain private, than as another poster said - talk to a therapist or a priest and get it off your chest that way. Friends, relatives...even with the best of intentions people can and do slip up. It doesn't make them evil betrayers of your trust, simply human.

    You accuse your sister of a lot of things, but what raises my eyebrow are your reactions. Seeing her van gives you a headache, the idea that she has access to the condo facilities drives you crazy......and you say that your sister is jealous???? What about you OP? Sounds like some pretty toxic jealousy and anger on your end. You can't fix anyone but yourself so maybe it's time to focus less on your sis and mother and put some focus on fixing your own personal issues. Running away from them won't do you any good as wherever you go there you are, you take your personal problems with you.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    All of this has nothing to do with your mother or sister. You simply feel like a fish out of water because you dislike the area and the people. Yes it would be a good idea to keep the envy and jealousy in check and stop it from eating you.

    Here's the thing, your mother and your sister and everyone else there is just going on with their lives. You are the one seething and "getting headaches", etc. You have to carve out your own happiness in your own way.
    Originally Posted by jennylove
    Iíve got too much to take care such as selling furniture and my place, no room for rash decisions. This plays a huge role, but the other factor is the career development here is nit good.

    And the people are basically ďKarenísĒ. I prefer a more liberal and cultured environment. I stick out like a sore thumb here.


    My friends...well...they have moved away. Most moved to Florida. Iím not interested in Florida . My heart belongs on the East Coast, I have a few friends out there, I predict stronger friendships will blossom after moving.

  7. #16
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    Iím told a lot of private things by people, Iíve known since I was 5 not to share information that someone trusted me with. When Iím asked about anyone or their life, my reply has always been, ďIf (XYZ) wants you to know, I can promise they will call you and tell youĒ. Boom. Done. Itís not that my mom ďforgetsĒ. No. She doesnít feel comfortable ďlyingĒ. Iíve told her a million times she doesnít need to lie, she simply needs to say itís not her place to reveal my information per my request. But no, she canít do that. Even with nosy neighbors.

    My sister is the type to make anonymous phone calls or emails to someoneís place of s employment if she gets mad at you, sheíll then try to ďwhistle blowĒ on you with exaggerated or false information. Sheís done it to me, sheís done it to others. I lent my mom money to buy the place next to mine. She wanted a place without stairs and this condo was in her price range. I told her this is my home too. Iím also paying high HOA and I want to enjoy the amenities without my sister infiltrating the place. That I will tell her Iím the rare occasions that Iíll use the pool, and on those days, I do not want my sister and her family using the pool. Ok. Nope, I canít even get that. As I laid out one day, her comes my sisters crew. My mom stood there with her hands up and told me they showed up unannounced and she didnít have it in her to tell them no.

    My mom has told me lots of secrets and begged me not to tell my sister. Why? Because she knows sheíll gossip to my dad and stepmom and my momís sister whom mom doesnít speak to. Iím loyal to my mom. Itís not unreasonable to expect the same.

    Jealous of my sister? If you only knew how much I wish her well deep in my heart. I believe sheís extremely damaged by her husband, sheís become a shell of a person since marrying him. He hates women, especially fat, successful women like me. Sheís become a stepford wife and her jealousy is palpable.

  8. #17
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    Wiseman,

    Yes, the location and the ďKarenísĒ have 59 percent to do with my desire to move. Iíve been talking about it for 2 years. One thing that keeps me here is itís extremely cheap to live here and I make a good income. My place is paid off. Unfortunately itís against HOA to rent or homeshare so my only option is to move. I will end up moving to an area with higher cost of living for the same pay. But eventually I can hopefully advance.

  9. #18
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    If you feel that way well up and move.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Stop telling your mother things you dont want her to tell your sister. That problem is easily solved.

    List your condo for sale, sell excess stuff, find a place to move to and DO IT. You have too many excuses for why you are not happy. Time to put yourself first for a change. You can call you mother when you want to, from your new home, just watch what you tell her. You can also rent a place until you find one to buy.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You have the right to confide in your mom. However, expecting privacy and receiving privacy are two different things.

    I have a mom and two younger siblings. I've since learned NOT to confide in my mom because eventually everything goes straight back to my narcissistic sister and brother. I have to be careful. Even though I expect confidentiality and have been reassured confidentiality, if you want to make sure your life is not an 'open book,' the best policy and only guarantee is to keep your mouth shut. I've since learned this harsh lesson the hard way.

    You can't duct tape a person's mouth. Many people are blabbermouths. You can't control what people say nor write especially if you're not there. Your confidential, private information gets blurted out. Play it smart by remaining silent.

    Know that you can't trust your mom, unfortunately.

    If you don't like your sister, pretend that she is dead. It's a mindset. Become indifferent and apathetic. Once you become unemotional and "blah," you'll focus on your own life and what makes you happy. This is what I do and there are mentally healthy outlets and distractions.

    Surround yourself with virtuous and moral people.

    I commend you for never deceiving nor betraying a person's confidence. Unfortunately, not everyone has integrity.

    If you can afford to move and uproot, then do it. Until then become an astute and shrewd person. Navigate yourself wisely in order to protect yourself. It's called survival. Practice makes perfect. Live and learn.

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