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Thread: Why is there always a catch?!

  1. #1
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    Why is there always a catch?!

    Greetings EnotAlone Family. As always, Im thankful for you guys helping me put things into perspective.

    So some of you have been following my posts. Im coming from a break up (about 2 months back now) and a strange online line (short term tho). I decided to not consciously seek a relationship now and focus on pushing my focus (currently working on a house music label which is going well so far). Im going to tell you the full story cause this one is quite interesting.

    So a week ago after a studio session I decided to go buy Pizza, initially planned to get a takeaway and go back home. At the restaurant I came across 2 waitresses. There was one I was instantly attracted to, even with her mask on (pandemic vibes). The one I wasnt interested in (her friend) ended up being the one to serve me. So, I decided to sit down. I was busy strategizing how to get to talk to her friend. Luckily enough, her friend walked past at some stage and I asked her to help me with something. She asked me what Id like help with, I couldnt come up with anything so I just came out with it and admitted that I would really appreciate if she allowed me to call her. She replied saying she will see if I tip her friend. I always tip so for me that was no big deal.

    The friend came with her number on the slip (before I had tipped her by the way) and of course i tipped her afterwards. Later the same day i texted her and asked to take her home and she said its fine. I fetched her from the restaurant and took her home When I saw her without the mask I was blown away. Shes extremely beautiful. When I dropped her off i realised that though she deosnt seem like it, she is from very humble beginnings. At home its her, her younger brother, mom and step dad. She doesnt really get along with her step dad so obviously for me that was something to keep in mind. We decided to go on a date the very next day. The same night she texted me saying that I exceeded her expectations. She said I appeared to be an arrogant/proud person but ended up being the opposite (most first impressions I give are like that).

    The first date was amazing. I had a prior engagement for a barbecue and ended up taking her with anyway. She really enjoyed the company of my friends and my friends liked her (imagine this is our 1st date). With some convincing we ended up going back to my place later. She thought I wanted to get inside her pants but Im not that type of guy. We ended up just drinking indoors, listening to music and talking. We both loooovve music and our conversations became deep. She became very open with me and almost ruined the date for me when she opened up about her love life.

    So she has not broken things off with her bf. What had happened was that her bf or ex, i dont know, was a drug dealer. She says she had been trying to get him out of the business but he just wanted to make more money before leaving and ended up being caught. He has been in jail for about 7 months and somehow they are able to commuincate here and there via facebook (prison favours I guess). She told me how she has stood by him no matter how he has treated her, taking her for granted. She told me she used to send him some of the little money she had because he was in and out of jail and sometimes had no money at all to eat. She told me she thinks she has a problem of being way too empathetic. However I told her that what she does is not necesarry just empathy but ashe also benefits from the fantasy of being with him, Iv been there I understood her. I was like that for my ex, always bending backwards for her no matter what it cost me. This new girl is very similar to me in terms of how she acts in a relationship. After the deep chats and also me telling her about my ex. We ended up sharing a passionate kiss.

    She says she can feel the relationship is toxic and has given up on it. Im kind of not convinced and its clear she loves him but I can tell she wants to walk away but when she loves she loves very hard.

    We have been talking for a week now after the first date with no issues and will most probably be together this weekend. Persuing this could be dangerous to me emotionally and physically (considering the guy is a drug dealer whos in and out of jail) and considering she still loves him. She is however very sweet and soft and it baffles me how this miss-match even happened.

    Strange how someone who seems such a perfect match for me could be involved in such a mess. Any advice how to handle this one :( ?

    Apparently he should be getting released anytime soon...

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Steer clear and be a bit wiser and more prudent. Your better judgment is telling you it's a bad idea so listen to it. You don't know her so don't profess that you do or make the assumption that you're so similar. You can't possibly know that in one meeting and she's already emotionally unavailable.

    If you're up for the challenge of issues, troubles, heartbreak, drama and nonsense continue on. If not stay away from her and treat her as you would a younger sister. This person is not available nor is she a good catch based on her current situation and lack of boundaries.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    The advice is really simple in cases like this.

    You met someone who seemed promising, but learned, quickly, that she's really in no place to date. There's really no "catch," save the part where most people we meet, regardless of initial promise, don't turn out to be so promising. That is the general rule, not the exception.

    What to do with that, in this case? You wish her the best, and move on with your life. The only reasons to do anything differently? Read closely here: It is because you dig the idea of exploring romance with someone who is in a messed up relationship with a drug dealer.

    Is that you?

  4. #4
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    You have no idea if this woman is a perfect match for you, G. You hardly know her at all. What you do know isn’t good: she accepts dates from other men while she’s got a boyfriend. Think about what says about her and her values, boundaries and moral compass.

    Stay away. She’s messy and bound to get your wrapped up in drama that you don’t want to be involved in. Unless you also enjoy drama and short-lived chaos, nix this chick.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Dial back to your original plan to stay single for a period of time and focus on yourself and your music. . because your 'picker' is broken.
    You describe her relationship as toxic, yet you engage in a toxic dance with her.
    She's not available. She's an enabler and her moral code of conduct permits her to cheat. . which means, you guessed it - she may cheat on you too.
    You are sweeping into white knight zone and trying to rescue a broken bird.
    But you are both broken.
    This won't end well.
    Stay single until you find yourself attracting and attraced too healthy, stable available individuals.
    A well adjusted man would have crossed the street when he heard her story. Instead you consider getting in the middle of something really messy.
    What does that say about you and where you are at on your, so far very short journey to healthy mindedness?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Think about not taking any risks and sparing your life. You don't want to get involved with an ex-convict. Convicts learn all sorts of tricks of the trade while incarcerated. They're smarter upon release. Jail or prison is 'college' for them and they learn how not to get caught in the future. "Snitches get stitches or end up in ditches" and / or your loved ones, too.

    A lot says about this girl's character to have chosen her bf, her poor choices and lack of good judgment.

    Get out before you become part of her mess and know how to steer clear of trouble makers so you can save your own life. Beware. Be smart. Heed those red flags and warning bells in your brain.

    Don't be naive.

  8. #7
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    If she has a boyfriend, no matter how fragile that relationship is, you do not get involved. Even if she say's she's given up on it, it's clear she hasn't. That this guy is involved in drugs and in jail is a huge warning sign. That she would send him money and keep things going even though he's been in trouble before, another huge warning sign. At most be a light friend to encourage her to break it off with him for good. She's putting herself in danger and she needs to see that. But if she doesn't change, you don't want to put yourself in that same danger.

  9. #8
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    Look I might appear judgemental but you actually do have to wonder a bit about someone's morals and standards if they had a relationship with a drug dealer. And they also keep going with that relationship despite the fact that their partner keeps ending up in jail. To me this points to either someone who has poor morals, low self-esteem esteem (or both) or they are actually of some questionable character themselves. I mean, people won't always be honest and tell you that maybe they do/used to do drugs themselves or something else off putting. On a date everyone wants to make a good impression and portray themselves in the best light.

    I know when someone is really attractive, automatically our biology kicks in and we start thinking positively about that person. We start thinking they are perfect, lovely and good. I guess it's human nature. But really you hardly know this girl so you can't say she's perfect for you or a good match. I know you think she's beautiful so I guess if you just want a hook up with a pretty girl then you can probably get that. I doubt a relationship will work out for you though because she's not actually single and she's also mixed up in something dodgy.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    This is one of those times where the right thing is the complete opposite of what you want to do.

    Which sounds simple but here's the thing... you know this is a bad choice for you, so your brain is busy thinking about how it can work out for you.

    We all do that. Its justifying a bad decision.

    So here you are. At the corner of doing the right thing. What you do has the potential for long reaching problems.

    You are not healed from your own past. She is still in a relationship, with a drug dealer in prison. She is no where even near where you are. She makes bad decisions and she's not even loyal to the guy.

    Nothing good comes from this foundation.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    So she has not broken things off with her bf.
    This is all I'd need to hear. I'd say, "I really like you, and that's why I'm walking away while be both still think highly of one another. If you ever break up and find yourself completely free, clear and over the guy, you can let me know. Unless and until then, I wish you both the best."

    It makes no sense to position yourself to witness someone's capacity for disloyalty to another. You can't unsee that. Even if you 'win,' you lose, because it will occur to you that you've been promoted from the one she's been disloyal WITH to the one who she'll become disloyal TO.

    Not a win, so not a match.

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