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Thread: Shall I reach out?

  1. #1
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    Shall I reach out?

    I was quite good friends with a girl who I met via a social group 7 years ago however she can be a bit suffocating and does like me to herself which I didnt always like but she was a good friend to me as I was to her. However when I met my bf she didnt like it and got a bit jealous and said I had dropped her to be with him. I dont think I did that as I always still tried to see her but it just couldn't be as often as she liked. I also have 2 kids not young kids but nevertheless I had to find time for them too so obviously the friendship dynamics will change. When she had a bf I didnt mind in fact I would sometimes go round and walk her dog and feed it when she was at her bf for the weekend. What makes this a bit more difficult is that my bf had issues with relationships and she always thought he was using me and I could do better but I went back to him 2 times after he had messed me about a bit and that's when she really got fed up and when I saw her out she blanked me and I later found out she had been talking about me but I ignored that and after a while she came round and we were talking again and even made time to go out for a meal from time to time. She has now found a few other close friends to do things with which was fine but I still believed I made an effort to try and see her but she started to get distant and blow me out and say she cant meet me as busy at work etc. I kept trying but I could sense she wasnt bothered. I saw her a few times when out with our social groups and she would say hello but then go off and ignore me for the rest of the eve. This January we were at a mutual friends party and she was very off and I dont know why so after that I decided to walk away and cut ties and leave it as it was upsetting me as I dont think I'd done anything wrong. However my bf has after 4 years ended it with me and by text so I'm very upset and I'm sure she is thinking I deserve it, she told me he was no good for me, even though during this time she was ok with him and even met up with him once for lunch so I dont know where down the lane she changed..anyway I do feel I would like to see her and see if we can get our friendship back but worry what she will think.. I'm not running back to her now my bf has gone as I still feel I did all i could to still see her but I know she dont think that and i know how it will look. I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life but I'm worried what she will say but also I dont want her to suffocate me again and have a moan at me about who else I speak to as she used to do that so not sure if I should leave it?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly people in abusive relationships lose a lot of friends that they push away to hang onto thier abusers.

    Leave her alone. Instead get some therapy to unpack and sort out why you got addicted to your abuser.

  3. #3
    Let her come to you. Don’t call her text her until she messages you. When she contacts you, try to set up time to hang out. The quickest way to get anyone’s attention is to remove yours. In the mean time go find new people to hang out with . There are over 7 billion people in the world.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just as you shouldn't have remained in a romantic on-again, off-again romance, since those multi-breakup relationships mean they aren't meant to be, you should heed the red flags from your former friendship and stay away.

    Subconsciously, dysfunction is what you seek because deep down, you think that's all you deserve with your low self-worth. My advice is to concentrate on yourself right now, reading and applying what you can learn on boosting your self-esteem. Only then will you attract, and be attracted to, mentally healthy friends/partners.

    Female friends can be found in a new hobby. Seek out something fun to enrich your life and to meet new people. Take care.

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  6. #5
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    It does not sound like you make good choices when it comes to friends or bfs.

    What did the bf do?

    I would make an effort to find better quality people to surround yourself with.

  7. #6
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    Oh my God you are right I really dont make good choices. My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years and I had no idea it was coming. I do feel so stupid and now I see he is out doing things which I know he can but its irritating me as I feel like he just doesn't care how hurt i am as I've stuck by him for years and understood his issues and basically been a doormat but I honestly thought he would end it with me face to face and discuss it after all this time and I know he cared about me and enjoyed what we had so I am so hurt by that so yes I am clearly not attracting the right people in my life

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by What a mug
    Oh my God you are right I really dont make good choices. My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years and I had no idea it was coming. I do feel so stupid and now I see he is out doing things which I know he can but its irritating me as I feel like he just doesn't care how hurt i am as I've stuck by him for years and understood his issues and basically been a doormat but I honestly thought he would end it with me face to face and discuss it after all this time and I know he cared about me and enjoyed what we had so I am so hurt by that so yes I am clearly not attracting the right people in my life
    I have been there. My ex was my epiphany, and this made me take a long, hard look at myself. Due to low self worth, I was choosing lousy friends and partners. The warning signs were there, but I kept plugging along.

    If you see questionable behavior with friends, move on. The same applies to bfs. This guy ended things multiple times, you should have been done early on.

    You are the common denominator. You are the only one that will look out for yourself. Take some time out and address who you have been allowing in your life, and make some changes. You have two kids, you need to set an example.

  9. #8
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    Why did your friend think that your bf was a poor choice?

    " I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life" This is what you do for yourself! I am thinking that you were complaining about this guy all the time, and she got fed up. I would, too. No one wants to feel they are being used as a free therapist.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-08-2020 at 11:59 AM.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    "My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years"

    See, this is not true. He treated you horribly.

    It's difficult and frustrating for friends to see you continuing to return to a man who was so awful to you (saying you smell, you're dirty, harassing your kids, etc.) At some point friends have to walk away because they know you will refuse to hear anything bad about this boyfriend. I've had to do it; a friend of mine was being used for sex by a horrible man and she just kept going back to him. I told her I loved her but I couldn't support her continuing to keep going back to that man. And when I was in a relationship with an awful man some of my friends told me the same thing.

    Maybe she would think you're only trying to re-friend her because he's gone now and you are feeling lonely. Or maybe she would think you're just going to go back to him again.

    That being said, I would reach out and simply say you'd like to see her. Then see what she says.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why did your friend think that your bf was a poor choice?

    " I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life" This is what you do for yourself! I am thinking that you were complaining about this guy all the time, and she got fed up. I would, too. No one wants to feel they are being used as a free therapist.
    Holly, see her previous threads. That guy was horrible to her.

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