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Shall I reach out?


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I was quite good friends with a girl who I met via a social group 7 years ago however she can be a bit suffocating and does like me to herself which I didnt always like but she was a good friend to me as I was to her. However when I met my bf she didnt like it and got a bit jealous and said I had dropped her to be with him. I dont think I did that as I always still tried to see her but it just couldn't be as often as she liked. I also have 2 kids not young kids but nevertheless I had to find time for them too so obviously the friendship dynamics will change. When she had a bf I didnt mind in fact I would sometimes go round and walk her dog and feed it when she was at her bf for the weekend. What makes this a bit more difficult is that my bf had issues with relationships and she always thought he was using me and I could do better but I went back to him 2 times after he had messed me about a bit and that's when she really got fed up and when I saw her out she blanked me and I later found out she had been talking about me but I ignored that and after a while she came round and we were talking again and even made time to go out for a meal from time to time. She has now found a few other close friends to do things with which was fine but I still believed I made an effort to try and see her but she started to get distant and blow me out and say she cant meet me as busy at work etc. I kept trying but I could sense she wasnt bothered. I saw her a few times when out with our social groups and she would say hello but then go off and ignore me for the rest of the eve. This January we were at a mutual friends party and she was very off and I dont know why so after that I decided to walk away and cut ties and leave it as it was upsetting me as I dont think I'd done anything wrong. However my bf has after 4 years ended it with me and by text so I'm very upset and I'm sure she is thinking I deserve it, she told me he was no good for me, even though during this time she was ok with him and even met up with him once for lunch so I dont know where down the lane she changed..anyway I do feel I would like to see her and see if we can get our friendship back but worry what she will think.. I'm not running back to her now my bf has gone as I still feel I did all i could to still see her but I know she dont think that and i know how it will look. I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life but I'm worried what she will say but also I dont want her to suffocate me again and have a moan at me about who else I speak to as she used to do that so not sure if I should leave it?

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Just as you shouldn't have remained in a romantic on-again, off-again romance, since those multi-breakup relationships mean they aren't meant to be, you should heed the red flags from your former friendship and stay away.

 

Subconsciously, dysfunction is what you seek because deep down, you think that's all you deserve with your low self-worth. My advice is to concentrate on yourself right now, reading and applying what you can learn on boosting your self-esteem. Only then will you attract, and be attracted to, mentally healthy friends/partners.

 

Female friends can be found in a new hobby. Seek out something fun to enrich your life and to meet new people. Take care.

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Oh my God you are right I really dont make good choices. My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years and I had no idea it was coming. I do feel so stupid and now I see he is out doing things which I know he can but its irritating me as I feel like he just doesn't care how hurt i am as I've stuck by him for years and understood his issues and basically been a doormat but I honestly thought he would end it with me face to face and discuss it after all this time and I know he cared about me and enjoyed what we had so I am so hurt by that so yes I am clearly not attracting the right people in my life

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Oh my God you are right I really dont make good choices. My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years and I had no idea it was coming. I do feel so stupid and now I see he is out doing things which I know he can but its irritating me as I feel like he just doesn't care how hurt i am as I've stuck by him for years and understood his issues and basically been a doormat but I honestly thought he would end it with me face to face and discuss it after all this time and I know he cared about me and enjoyed what we had so I am so hurt by that so yes I am clearly not attracting the right people in my life

 

I have been there. My ex was my epiphany, and this made me take a long, hard look at myself. Due to low self worth, I was choosing lousy friends and partners. The warning signs were there, but I kept plugging along.

 

If you see questionable behavior with friends, move on. The same applies to bfs. This guy ended things multiple times, you should have been done early on.

 

You are the common denominator. You are the only one that will look out for yourself. Take some time out and address who you have been allowing in your life, and make some changes. You have two kids, you need to set an example.

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Why did your friend think that your bf was a poor choice?

 

" I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life" This is what you do for yourself! I am thinking that you were complaining about this guy all the time, and she got fed up. I would, too. No one wants to feel they are being used as a free therapist.

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"My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years"

 

See, this is not true. He treated you horribly.

 

It's difficult and frustrating for friends to see you continuing to return to a man who was so awful to you (saying you smell, you're dirty, harassing your kids, etc.) At some point friends have to walk away because they know you will refuse to hear anything bad about this boyfriend. I've had to do it; a friend of mine was being used for sex by a horrible man and she just kept going back to him. I told her I loved her but I couldn't support her continuing to keep going back to that man. And when I was in a relationship with an awful man some of my friends told me the same thing.

 

Maybe she would think you're only trying to re-friend her because he's gone now and you are feeling lonely. Or maybe she would think you're just going to go back to him again.

 

That being said, I would reach out and simply say you'd like to see her. Then see what she says.

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Why did your friend think that your bf was a poor choice?

 

" I do think she would be the one to help me move on with my life" This is what you do for yourself! I am thinking that you were complaining about this guy all the time, and she got fed up. I would, too. No one wants to feel they are being used as a free therapist.

 

Holly, see her previous threads. That guy was horrible to her.

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Oh my God you are right I really dont make good choices. My bf dumped me via text after 4 good years and I had no idea it was coming. I do feel so stupid and now I see he is out doing things which I know he can but its irritating me as I feel like he just doesn't care how hurt i am as I've stuck by him for years and understood his issues and basically been a doormat but I honestly thought he would end it with me face to face and discuss it after all this time and I know he cared about me and enjoyed what we had so I am so hurt by that so yes I am clearly not attracting the right people in my life

 

Why would you expect your ex to be something other than what he had shown to be - a guy who has messed you about more than once. I assume that means he cheated on you.

 

Have to agree with everyone else that you are actively making poor choices when it comes to friends and boyfriends. Neither one is a person who should be a part of your life. They are both users. The problem with you is that you are trying to "nice" people who aren't good people, into who you want them to be - nice and caring.

 

Unfortunately, despite reality biting you in the arse, you are still busy telling yourself the story you want to believe - he/she really cared. No, they didn't and don't. You can't "nice" jerks into being good people, OP. If you want good quality people, you have to actually seek them out and that means you have to learn how to recognize the difference and step away from dysfunctional users instead of desperately seeking their approval by making yourself useful. Somehow you've got to learn that caring is a two way street and someone who messes you about, someone who tries to isolate you for themselves - that's not what caring looks like. That's what utter selfishness looks like, OP.

 

You really do need to work on fixing your picker and your overall perceptions on what is good and what is dysfunctional. Right now you are confusing users for caring.

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Holly, see her previous threads. That guy was horrible to her.

 

I totally agree. She chose to return to this guy, over and over. He was awful!

 

The comments I made were in relation to her, and the friend. The friend did not sound great due to the controlling nature, but I am also thinking she used her as a sounding board. People can only put up with so much of that, then they start to feel frustrated and used.

 

I think she needs to choose better people to have in her life, but also realize you cannot continue dump to other people. It is exhausting.

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Don't reach out to her. Start working on yourself and bringing up your self-esteem in ways that add to you. Support systems are important but this person has her own bag of troubles and the both of you have some history that wasn't always very consistent or agreeable. Accept when you've made mistakes in a friendship and never stoop so low as to keep seeking the attention of someone (even friends) who don't give you the time of day.

 

The best thing you can do for yourself now is make new friends and focus on your hobbies. Stay strong. Don't engage or encourage behaviour that further sinks you into despair or a dark place. Rise up and pick yourself up.

 

As for your break up, count your blessings it's over. If you were both fighting a lot or you didn't get along or your bf couldn't push you around or got impatient with you, THANK YOUR LUCKY STARS and be grateful that this chapter of your life is closed. It also means that you are not as broken, desperate or weak as you may think. This is an opportunity to move forwards. Always count it as a blessing when someone negative leaves your life. It's another door opening. I say - jump! Or RUN towards it.

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Your friend is mentally unstable and not a good friend. Don't contact her otherwise you'll have the same emotional roller coaster type friendship with her all over again. She doesn't know her boundaries and discretion with people especially friends. I'd steer clear if I were you. Never associate with weird types otherwise they'll give you a lifetime filled with angst which you can definitely do without.

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Whenever we're grieving, we tend to use lousy judgment. This is true of most of us, so don't beat yourself up.

 

The friend was suffocating. She also grew tired of you complaining about the lousy BF then kissing to make up. That usually makes people furious at feeling used when the chips are down as they watch you go back to drink more of the same poison she hoped you'd recover from.

 

And, according to you, she was her own brand of poison.

 

So why not view this as a time in your life where you stop reaching for poison and start learning the pride of self sufficiency--even if that means hiring a good therapist to teach you to do that?

 

From there, your choices will be based on a confidence in your own resilience.

 

Head high, we're here for you, and you can do this.

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