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Thread: Does he want to be with me?

  1. #1

    Does he want to be with me?

    I’ll try to make this brief. We met online a year and a half ago. He got out of a 10 year marriage where she cheated on him, followed by a relationship that started before the divorce was final (he was separated for 2 years and then started a LDR with a colleague.) He moved here 2years ago and he and the new gf were broken up for 5 months when I met him. Lots of chemistry but he was very flighty/flaky and scared but at the same time intensely connected with me. We were intimate 1 time but he broke it off with me briefly afterwards saying he needed to be alone and being intimate hurt too much, not ready for a relationship. But over time he kept reaching out. We reunited in February (after 8 months.) He is still not great with communication but things have been fairly steady with intimacy and working things out. He apologized for being distant lately and on Sunday night he came to stay over. After sex he held my hand while sitting up in bed and told me he had recently reached out to his ex gf to apologize for hurting her by ending their relationship. He said he hoped to get closure and part as friends but that it felt “weird” when they said goodbye. He said she looked great and it gave him butterflies to see her. He said his therapist said he should be totally honest with me and tell me everything. He asked the therapist if his reaction to his ex meant that their relationship shouldn’t have ended or if it was just guilt. (I didn’t ask what the therapist said but I should have.) He said he didn’t feel like he got everything “off his chest” that he wanted to say and wants to talk with her again. She asked for his address to send him a shared journal that they used to write in and send back & forth when they were together, but he told her he didn’t want to.
    After telling me this I told him it hurt to hear and he said he knew but that it was important to be transparent. He then asked me what I want from our relationship. We have been monogamous and not dating others but still not officially a couple to friends, family etc. I told him I wanted that and that I don’t share. I also told him that any act of intimacy (kissing, hand holding or intimate/loving words) between him and his ex would mean the end of our relationship, and he said he understood. He told me that he wants to figure out what went wrong in his past relationships, and shared some things that the ex wife and ex gf did that made him not want to continue in those relationships. He said that if we move on to the next step, I will see things about him I don’t like (bad habits, etc.) He’s never smoked in front of me but is an occasional smoker and wanted me to know. He said “I’m selfish and stubborn and I fart.” We laughed after he said that. I said I wasn’t going anywhere, He continued to hold my hand and asked if we moved forward if I would want “a list of do’s & don’ts” or if we could communicate about things organically as they came up, aside from obvious dealbreakers like infidelity. I said the latter. I was still fairly emotional and my eyes had welled up. He said “You’re not losing me, I want you to know that. I’m not going anywhere either.”
    He’s always been sporadic with communication but this was a week ago with no word from him (not an unusual time frame tbh) but I still don’t understand what is happening... does he want to get back together with his ex or move forward with me?
    Please help! Sorry for the long post :/ Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    He wants to keep you around while he tries things out with his ex. That way if she rejects him he has you as a backup.

    Does that make you feel warm and loved?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    I think he should have told you all of that when he first arrived on the Sunday, not after you had sex.
    He sounds like he doesnt know what he wants & if it were me I wouldnt be dating him.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    This is one of these moments when I think it’s important to go back to before you knew he existed. What were you looking for from romance then? And is this anywhere close to that? Answer those questions—because trying to figure out another person is always a fool’s errand—and you’ll have the information you need.

    Most generous read on all this? Dude is mixed up a zillion ways to Sunday, has no idea what he wants, is at least a year away from getting a grip on his emotions, and is making that clear as day. Do you want to validate all that confusion with time and attention? Doesn’t sound very rewarding from these seats.

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  6. #5
    Thank you all for your input. I need to remember my worth, and that I’m no one’s Second option.

  7. #6
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    What a creep! How nice he shared this with you after he slept with you.

    Where is your self worth: "I said I wasn’t going anywhere,?"

    Why did you continue to interact with a guy who was “flakey and had "communication" issues? Expect more for yourself. The signs were there!
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-08-2020 at 12:14 AM.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by OpenHeart321
    Thank you all for your input. I need to remember my worth, and that I’m no one’s Second option.
    You already are.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I am sorry to say this, but he is only wanting you as a bed partner but he is holding out hopes for his ex girlfriend, that's where his heart truly lies.

    I think that's why he told you what he did, he doesn't want to misled you. He wants his ex back and you are someone he is using for the time being.

    You shouldn't let someone treat you like that. You should have enough self respect that now he's told you the truth, you should leave.

    Why would you want to be someone's second choice?

  10. #9
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    This guy doesn't want what you want from this, OP.

    It's time to move on. You're going to get seriously hurt if you stick around, because eventually? He will hit the road.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Your self worth is totally lacking. You're like a barnacle clinging to him while being pummeled with crashing waves. Barraged with how he's still thinking of an ex, pouring emotional energy into her and not you. Trying to convince you how disgusting he is, instead of winning you over for his very own--his one and only. He's just not into you. Don't you want to hear his voice every day? Sounds like you do, because you're into him for some strange reason. Doesn't it clue you in that he doesn't feel the same, since he can go an entire week without wanting to speak to you?

    Stay alone and work on your self-worth by reading articles and books on how to achieve that. If you don't, you will keep on accepting garbage partners to give the precious gift of your body and time to. When you don't value yourself, how can anybody else?

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