Jump to content

Friendship? Move on? More?


LilBuddha

Recommended Posts

Hi! :D

 

So the short version of the story: we both met at university, we started to see each other outsides, he had a lot of personal issues, he ended up telling me he wasn't ready for anything after approximately 1 month. We kept in touch, we talked a lot through summer. I sent to him a letter telling him I wasn't ready for anything either, yet I had strong feelings for him. Then I blocked him but I regretted it. We didn't talk for one month and last monday, we ran into each other. We talked for 1h30 and the day after I messaged him telling him that I was sorry for blocking him after sending the letter and that was immature from me doing this (these are just the big lines of the story but that's pretty much only what I said). Then he just replied "I understand" and he switched topic and we talked by message for 2h more.

 

I don't understand why he didn't say something about the letter, we keep talking so I guess we are over the simple polite conversation after a "break up" and I guess he really values me. I mean, I didn't and I don't expect a big reply but at least a hint. He didn't even give a hint about how he has perceived the letter.. But I don't get why he didn't say something back? Like, if he only values me as friend he should have said it easily right? Or if he didn't want to keep in touch with me afterward, he wouldn't have pursued the chat for hours and many times this week, no? We were always extremely honest towards each other, every time we went trough something, we always spoke together, even when he decided to stop, about what was going on. So this is why I don't get why he can't be straightforward in this situation.

 

Please, don't tell me "men don't express their feelings in the same way as women". I'm aware and I don't think that's the main issue here. Because I think if you really don't feel anything for someone and if this person tells you she/he has feelings for you, it's not complicated to say that you see her as a friend regardless if you want to keep in touch with her or no. Right?:icon_sad: it's kinda hard for me right now because I don't understand why he acts like this, he knows he can say everything and when he decided to stop, he didn't pamper me, he was very straightforward and I accepted it (and I was glad he didn't take gloves to speak tbh) so he's perfectly aware he can be straightforward with me regardless his response. Help :(

Link to comment

Ask him what his thoughts were about the letter. If he doesn't wish to comment about the letter, don't badger him about it anymore. Let it go.

 

Just remain friends and don't complicate matters. Or, if you sense his disinterest about friendship, lower him to an acquaintance level.

 

Keep the peace. Also, back off and have boundaries.

 

Don't expect anything and you'll be happier and more secure. Don't fret.

Link to comment

Just so I understand, you're bugged that he didnt expound more about your letter after you gave him an explanation?

You explained yourself and took responibility. Not sure what else there is to discuss.

Why make this more dramatic then necessary, especially with man who seems to just want to move past it.

Just because you didn't get the response you were expecting doesn't make it wrong. It's just the way he chooses to handle it.

It's also possible this all might have more meaning too you than it does him.

Is there more than friendship here? I guess you'll have to wait and see. You don't go for blocking him to him professing his feelings. Maybe you should take it one day at a time. He might want to wait and see how you handle things going fwd.

From the sounds of things you don't seem to want things to fold out organically and need a answers after having just run into him

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. He is being honest and straight forward. He isn't ready for anything and still isn't. Unfortunately you are chasing way too hard. You are treating dating a few weeks as if it's a relationship.

 

It's good you spoke but he didn't comment because he didn't want to embarrass you regarding the love letter and playing games like blocking. You need to back up and get some breathing room.

 

telling me he wasn't ready for anything after approximately 1 month.

 

I messaged him telling him that I was sorry for blocking him after sending the letter and that was immature from me doing this

Link to comment

Well after you first sent the letter, you blocked him, so how was he meant to reply then? How much time had passed before you unblocked him? Also why did you actually block him? Is it because he didn't reply to your letter for some time? Don't block anyone again unless they're harassing you or you have a good reason for it. It's immature. My guess would be if he didn't comment on the letter at the time and not commenting now that it's possible he may just want to be friends. And he may be finding it awkward to discuss it. However maybe he also feels nervous because you blocked him and he thinks you're unpredictable and you don't even actually like him or something. I mean, you have to admit it's weird behaviour to tell someone you have feelings for them and then to block them. It doesn't make sense.

Link to comment

Thanks for the response!

 

So further details: he's younger than me (23 and I'm 25) and he never had relationships before. I told him I wanted to keep things light and breezy without putting labels on the situation and just see how it goes between us. After our first date he told me pretty much "you're the first person with you I really want to make things work but i've started to think about wedding and i panicked" (normal tho, he made me panic a bit as well after telling me this).

 

For me it wasn't dating (I said "seeing each other" and not "dating each other") because it lasted only a few weeks. He was going through a lot of issues and I told him if he wanted to stop and take a break for himself, I would totally understand. But he decided to continue (I don't even know how to qualify what we had, it wasn't a relationship, neither a fling nor a hookup, in my opinion at least).

 

He's the kind of person who actually puts quickly labels on people and situations. For instance, the second time we met just both of us, he asked me if I wouldn't mind considering this as a real date. Then after we became more intimate let's say, he was the one who directly spoke about "commitment", being serious and being in a relationship. Again, I felt comfortable with him, I wouldn't mind being more serious with him but that was way too soon to decide what was the meaning of the things between us.

 

For me, I like going with the flow but when something is supposed to be definitely done with someone, it's like, over over. We can keep reaching out a bit, but not as much as before. What made me confused was the fact that not only he kept reaching me out but we kept spending literally hours talking together after he decided to stop everything. Not only we talked a lot but it was clearly more than friendly conversations. And I didn't understand why, so this is also why I sent to him that letter, because I couldn't continue talking to him and not knowing what was going on in his minds. For the fact, I'm from another country, I was back for holidays in my hometown so if I could have faced him directly I would have done it.

 

Now, we're both extremely anxious, overthinkers (me about why we kept reaching out and some other things but that's not the debate here) and we have OCD (him) and ADHD (me) and when I think about it, in our own way we need to put labels on situations (for him) or on people (for me) in order to feel more "safe" I'd say. Now, when I blocked him, it was under various circumstances I won't fully explain here but the thing is, I also panicked but it wasn't because he didn't reply after a while.

 

I know I should just let it go, I mean, we are fine talking together, without a necessary need to put label on whatever is between us, after all, we both agreed that we weren't ready for anything yet but we wanted to keep in touch. I don't have to force him to say what's in his minds. I just got a hard time to understand this, because I have a certain tendency to rush, in the sens that, I want answers quickly haha

Link to comment

Why don't you just stay friends, if you want. he doesn't want to date or have a relationship. Is there a cultural or language barrier? It seems your dating/seeing terms and conditions are much different than his/his culture.

 

More importantly, get on some dating apps and start messaging local men in the 25-30 age range. Men who want to date and want a relationship.

 

Stop the love letters and chasing and games...with anyone. Particularly with a guy who is inexperienced and does not want what you want.

 

Forget "light and breezy", it's nonsense. Either you hit it off and both wish to date each other, or you go your own ways, or someone is just a friend.

he's younger than me (23 and I'm 25) and he never had relationships before.

 

I'm from another country, I was back for holidays in my hometown so if I could have faced him directly I would have done it.

Link to comment

This is exceptionally poor communication. It doesn't quite matter how experienced the both of you are but if you can't communicate with someone adequately, it's already a sinking ship. I think you should ask yourself why you keep pursuing this person who is continually failing to communicate with you.

 

"Having a lot of issues", "OCD" or other problems are excuses. If someone wants to be with you that person will make a concerted effort to make it more known. Trust yourself more. Your trust in yourself seems to be undermined by this shoddy communication and pale example of what a relationship should be.

 

You mentioned also "I wouldn't mind being more serious with him..." and this sounds wishy washy. Do you or don't you? If you do and this person is not leveling with you, that person is not a good option for a partner. For whatever reason (valid or not), he is not right for you. If you don't want to be more serious with him, none of this would be a problem. Start being more honest in dialogues with yourself. Anything that's "I wouldn't mind..." in terms of choosing whether or not to be with someone in a serious relationship is NOT worth pursuing. You have to know in your gut whether this is the right person and whether you should be spending your time on this person.

 

Be clearer with yourself. More honest. I think things will start falling into place then.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...