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Thread: I'm so selfish I don't know what to do anymore

  1. #1

    I'm so selfish I don't know what to do anymore

    My girlfriend left me one year ago, now my best friend left me recently, my family is demanding me time with them because I barely dedicate it to them. I have 4 pets, one a little kitty and they are very demanding.
    A little more of context: I'm a university student and this semester I'm taking too many courses, so I have my time really strict, although I can withdraw some of them to decrease the academic load.

    So I'm very conflicted right now because
    1. My beat friend left me because I'm not a good friend, I'm selfish and it is VERY hard for me to think about other people, and I hate it.
    I thought I'd be changing, nonetheless, I was thinking about not spending some hours with my family in order for me to finish my week's assignments and be able to do some sport.
    Indeed I'm being selfish and instead of dedicating 4 hours to them a week, I'd rather go and do my stuff.

    2. I know I can do this semester with great grades but as I said, I'd have to dedicate myself to it, and my family and pets demand time.

    I honestly feel overwhelmed. This issue of being selfish and not-at-all empathic has being over my shoulders for some years now and I can't seem to take it off.
    I REALLY want to be better, to build myself a good, loving future, full of people I love and I can make happy, but it is so hard and I try and try my hardest and I fall again in the same mistakes.

  2. #2
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    Why does your friend feel you are selfish?

    Does any of this go beyond not spending time, or is it other things with these people?


    I am curious as to why you would take on so many animals if you have so little time?

  3. #3
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    Do you live with your parents or do you live at school? I you live at home and are not at least not making a point to sit down with them for dinner on Sundays or whatever day no one is working and they are all there -- yeah, you are selfish. It would not kill you to open your bedroom door and chat with them a little every day.

    If you live at school but nearby -- i do think that you should take time to see them. You don't have to sit around all weekend but a quick coffee with a sibling, going for dinner or whatever.

    4 hours a week is very little to ask - but it doesn't have to end up being four hours if you actually make an effort.

    Is there anything you enjoy doing with your family or share interests so you can convince your selfish little self to see them doing those things?

    You may not feel like it, but when you start doing it, you might find that you end up enjoying it
    Phone calls go a long way, too

  4. #4
    1. My friend has a lot of serious problems in her life that I wasnt able to understand because I've lived a privileged life. So I failed every time trying to support her. Also she wouldn't be my priority due to my studies, sport, and I didn't feel very comfortable playing a game with her or watching movies, and i told her the truth because we always maintained an open communication and that of course resulted on distancing herself.

    2. Yes it goes beyond time. I'm very self-centered, like I'm always thinking about me and never about anyone else. That's like my main problem because it shapes all my relationships.

    3. With respect to the pets. I live with my brother and mom, so they help with that, I've never really took care of them, until last April when I adopted my little kitty, in that time I was on vacations for like 6 months (because of the virus) but I didn't know it would cost that many time, we've never had puppies or kitties. Of course I don't regret it and I take very good take care of him. It's just adding to the overwhelm I feel.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why does your friend feel you are selfish?

    Does any of this go beyond not spending time, or is it other things with these people?


    I am curious as to why you would take on so many animals if you have so little time?
    Sorry I dont know how to use this platform very well but my response is above.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Manage your time better and put yourself on a schedule where you can squeeze in some family time even if it's brief.

    Cell phones, texting, emailing, messaging, social media and the Internet are huge time traps. Go offline and you'll find time for your family.

    Don't be too hard on yourself regarding friends. During the busiest time of my life, I didn't have time for friends. (Even my best friend and cousin during childhood were put on standby for several years.) This was a period when my father had passed away leaving my young widowed mother and my two younger siblings. I worked full time night shift 40+ hours per week, carried a full load of college by day, contributed financially to the household, helped raise my siblings, paid my way through college and I truly did not have time for a social life. I was burning the candle at both ends.

    I had "arrived" AFTER hard work was finished, AFTER I was on the fast track with my career and then I suddenly had more friends galore than I knew what to do with. The beauty of it all was that I didn't even have to try. Friends flocked to me. (I eventually married a great man and have two amazing sons.)

    You will have more time, energy and brain space in the future when there are less demands on your time. Your plate is full right now.

  8. #7
    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Do you live with your parents or do you live at school? I you live at home and are not at least not making a point to sit down with them for dinner on Sundays or whatever day no one is working and they are all there -- yeah, you are selfish. It would not kill you to open your bedroom door and chat with them a little every day.

    If you live at school but nearby -- i do think that you should take time to see them. You don't have to sit around all weekend but a quick coffee with a sibling, going for dinner or whatever.

    4 hours a week is very little to ask - but it doesn't have to end up being four hours if you actually make an effort.

    Is there anything you enjoy doing with your family or share interests so you can convince your selfish little self to see them doing those things?

    You may not feel like it, but when you start doing it, you might find that you end up enjoying it
    Phone calls go a long way, too
    We live together and we are constantly interacting, I never close my door and we talk a lot throughout the day. But that doesn't count as "spending time with them" that's just like the usual.
    I really liked your advice and will take it. Thank you

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Try not to juggle too much. keep your eye on your goals and don't get overwhelmed or distracted. Set limits and boundaries so you can pursue your priorities.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Isaacmn24
    1. My friend has a lot of serious problems in her life that I wasnt able to understand because I've lived a privileged life. So I failed every time trying to support her. Also she wouldn't be my priority due to my studies, sport, and I didn't feel very comfortable playing a game with her or watching movies, and i told her the truth because we always maintained an open communication and that of course resulted on distancing herself.

    2. Yes it goes beyond time. I'm very self-centered, like I'm always thinking about me and never about anyone else. That's like my main problem because it shapes all my relationships.

    3. With respect to the pets. I live with my brother and mom, so they help with that, I've never really took care of them, until last April when I adopted my little kitty, in that time I was on vacations for like 6 months (because of the virus) but I didn't know it would cost that many time, we've never had puppies or kitties. Of course I don't regret it and I take very good take care of him. It's just adding to the overwhelm I feel.
    Firstly, a friend in need sometimes needs an ear. They don't need to watch a movie with you. They just might need to talk for a few minutes. But hard to say if you were selfish or she was an emotional vampire.

    If you make time, the care MIGHT follow. MAYBE. Its like going to audition for a play or deciding since you are 300 lbs its do or die. You don't feel like going for a walk, you make yourself. After the 30th time, it becomes a habit. After the 50th time you start to enjoy it - it have time for your thoughts or notice nature. And then one day you notice you are 250 lbs.

    As far as the pets, that was awfully selfish to get a kitten. Well, now you know how your family feels taking care of the three othter pets because they have to. Did you even ask them about getting another pet?

    Yeah, dude, i have to agree, you seem to be really self centered and treat your family as servants or bothers. If you cannot bear to spend time with them, you need a reality check big time.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by Isaacmn24
    We live together and we are constantly interacting, I never close my door and we talk a lot throughout the day. But that doesn't count as "spending time with them" that's just like the usual.
    I really liked your advice and will take it. Thank you
    Have dinner with them. Passing in the hallway - you could do that with strangers

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