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Thread: I'm so selfish I don't know what to do anymore

  1. #21
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Originally Posted by Isaacmn24
    My best friend left me because I'm not a good friend, I'm selfish and it is VERY hard for me to think about other people,

    Indeed I'm being selfish and instead of dedicating 4 hours to them a week, I'd rather go and do my stuff.

    This issue of being selfish and not-at-all empathic has being over my shoulders for some years now and I can't seem to take it off.
    Lack of empathy. Finding it VERY difficult to think of others etc ... I think it will be extremely difficult for you to change because this is your personality. It's who you are. It's at your core and unlikely will ever change to any great extent (imo). Not being able to spend 4 HOURS a WEEK with family is almost unbelievable. It simply comes down to, as you say, ....don't care and "rather go and do my stuff". Like I say, I doubt you can change this as it's just part of you, your personality (imo).

    Perhaps a Life Coach will be able to give you some counselling, guidance/help?

  2. #22
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    New Jersey
    "The appearance of being reasonable is actually more important than actually being reasonable." (Dr. Joy Browne)

    I found that investing the attention to help my family feel loved and appreciated by me went a far longer way than the actual number of hours I'm able to spend with them at any given time. But this took groundwork--an investment in showing them that they are important and valued rather than taken for granted--FIRST.

    If you sound resistant or demo an anxious attitude about what you are missing during the time you devote to anyone, you'll work against yourself. It won't matter how many hours you spend with a person, they'll always feel deprived and ripped off if you seem distant and preoccupied rather than using that time to help them feel loved and valued.

    Start there. Make eye contact and speak as though you wouldn't dream of wanting to be anywhere else. This can make all of the difference in reducing the importance of the number of hours you spend with someone. It's 'quality time,' on your best behavior, which goes a lot further than treating people as though they rank as 'required time'.

    So how did you come up with 4 hours? Do you see it as all in one block, or can it be split up over several meals a week?

    Once I started putting my commitments on a calendar, I was able to operate more efficiently. I wouldn't over-think it, I would just show up and treat each person in front of me as important. Over time, this allowed me to make the changes I needed to my calendar without anyone feeling slighted--because I've already made the investment in helping people to feel loved and important to me.

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