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Crazy about her.


Blue202020

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I'm 23 and male, I've been in love with my female best friend for about 2 years now. At first I put it down to being a crush and decided to ignore the feelings thinking that they would eventually fade away. I've tried dating apps but I found that every person I saw, I was comparing them against my friend. As time has gone on, I've realised that I am totally crazy about her, I truly feel in love with her inside and out. I've never been in a relationship before, I've also never asked anybody out in my life and I honestly just don't know what to do!

 

Obviously I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have because it's a great one. But the fact that I can't stop thinking about her and the feelings I have for her tell me that I have to do something about telling her how I feel. I just really need some advice. Has anyone else been through this and can share some advice with me here? Thank you :)

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I've tried dating apps but I found that every person I saw, I was comparing them against my friend. As time has gone on, I've realised that I am totally crazy about her, I truly feel in love with her inside and out.

Obviously I don't want to ruin the friendship that we have because it's a great one.

 

As a person with a lot more life experience than you, I'll have to give you some news that will be upsetting to you: Close male/female friendships where one person feels chemistry and wants more have an expiration date. Either it has to end or evolve into a dating relationship.

 

You are pouring emotional energy and time into your crush, so you have no room in your brain and heart to bond with a new love. Your "friendship" is preventing you from doing what you wish for: to have a girlfriend. Even if you tried for a while with a pretty woman, she would see right away that you're hung up on your crush, and she'd be running for the nearest exit, that is if she possessed a healthy self-esteem.

 

It doesn't matter if you "ruin" your friendship because it's bound to end anyway. Do you really think that when she gets a bf, that you'll continue on hanging out and communicating as much as you do now? Most often, those sorts of opposite gender friendships get pushed to the back burner or totally end, especially when one person has a crush, since it's not conducive to the primary love relationship.

 

Since she has resisted hanging out one-on-one, perhaps she knows you have a crush and she is avoiding that scenario. Most women are pretty intuitive about that. In any case, if you want to take the risk, be plain about asking her out on a date so she knows it's one and not just hanging out as per usual. Then you will get your answer one way or the other. If she's not interested, start distancing yourself for your own good and think of her as just one of the gang. You can train your brain to do anything. That way, you'll eventually feel open to dating others and no longer compare them to an ex crush. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

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Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate and understand your advice so thank you but I feel like it sounds like the classic ‘boys can’t be friends with girls’, which I feel is a little bit dated in my opinion. I know it depends on whether attraction is felt or not but I don’t believe that there is an ‘expiration date’, it is possible to work through these things, not so cut-throat as the ‘friendship has expired’, it isn’t black and white.

 

I should clarify that myself and my friend that I feel in love with have barely seen each other over the course of the last few years, maybe 5/6 times during those two years. We saw each other weekly for three years prior to this and then life changed, but now she is about to start coming back into my life again. Maybe there’s an opportunity for us to properly reconnect. I understand the intuition aspect of a woman feeling when someone is attracted to them but I honestly don’t believe she knows at all, we always do things with another friend. In her perspective we always do things all together.

 

The advice I really need is how to approach that one to one conversation with her. Just outright saying ‘I love you’ seems pretty daunting for her.

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I know it's probably not the answer you want to hear, but if she keeps inviting someone else when you hang out, I agree that you are friend zoned. If she had any attraction or crush on you as well, she would want to spend time alone. Although if you want to tell her how you feel and get closure, I think you should do that. I mean you are in love with her and after two years it doesn't go away. So I think really your only option is to tell her how you feel. If she rejects you then I very strongly suggest that you actually end the friendship and stop talking to her. Otherwise you will only get hurt. She might get a boyfriend and then you always have to see her with another guy. That would feel horrible if you love her.

 

Regarding the dating sites. Yes it's easy to compare people to your first love but it does get better. I've been in many relationships and at first it feels like you'll never like/love anyone ever again. Like your life is over. That is actually very far from true! You can love again if you're open to love. Which you obviously are.

 

Maybe you should actually go on some dates with girls from online dating. I'm not saying sleep with them or date them just because you're on a rebound from your best friend. But just give it a chance. There are so many other girls out there and it's possible you actually will like someone else. Clearly you want to experience being in a relationship so don't be afraid to go for it.

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Take this from my own life experience. I, had a male best friend since I was sixteen and just recently at 38 I realized after getting out of my most recent relationship. I had strong feelings for him. He’s always been there. I ruined it! I told him how I felt and now we hardly speak and there’s a lot of tension between us. Things will never be the same!

 

If you think these feelings could be in passing, which I came to realize, don’t say anything! Just wait the feelings out. It could be because you’re lonely and haven’t found the right girl yet and that’s why you compare her.

 

If you feel that you can’t just be her friend, then tell her, it will be worth the risk.

 

Just think it over some more.

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Thank you for your reply. I do appreciate and understand your advice so thank you but I feel like it sounds like the classic ‘boys can’t be friends with girls’, which I feel is a little bit dated in my opinion. I know it depends on whether attraction is felt or not but I don’t believe that there is an ‘expiration date’, it is possible to work through these things, not so cut-throat as the ‘friendship has expired’, it isn’t black and white.

The advice I really need is how to approach that one to one conversation with her. Just outright saying ‘I love you’ seems pretty daunting for her.

 

Yes, males and females can be friends even when one has feelings for another. I've been the one with feelings for someone who saw me as a friend. But we were able to maintain a friendship. Every friendship is different, as everyone is an individual who has different levels of what they can handle. Things might be awkward at first, but if both sides are mature and willing to keep the friendship, there is no reason they can't remain good friends.

 

As for how to approach it, you're asking the age old question. Best advice I can give is to just be honest. Find some time alone with her, and speak from the heart. You seem sincere in your feelings and care about hers. Don't make a huge declaration of love. Instead, tell her how much you enjoy being around her, how glad you are to have her in your life, and that you're starting to have deeper feelings for her. Tell her what you told us, that you don't want to hurt the friendship, but that you needed to get this out. Then leave it in her hands. It may be the start of something incredible. Or it may not go how you would like. But it's better to know then to always wonder what could have happen. Before you do it though, make she you are truly okay with whatever she decides.

 

It's a risk. It's scary. No, actually it's terrifying. But the greater the risk, the greater the potential reward. And you'll never know unless you try. Good luck.

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I understand that seeing her with someone else after being turned down could be painful, but I would never end the friendship because of that, I'm not shallow and neither is she. Sure it could be awkward for a little while but I'm ok with that. I figure that being open, honest, and relaxed about it and sharing the feelings with her and working through whatever outcome is far better than axing her out of my life. I've thought on it for over two years and it's probably time to face the fear of rejection. She is a shy person and has never dated anyone, which I suppose makes it tricky to know how she would feel or respond.

 

Is there anyone out there that has gone through with something similar and been successful? I know these things are 50/50 but I'd rather try to be positive and not cynical about it to prevent me talking myself out of the feelings that are very real.

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I'm going to approach this from a wider lens before getting into the nitty-gritty.

 

This is just me, but when I hear someone saying they're "in love" with a person they have seen around 10 times in 2 years? I think what they're saying is that they are in love with an idea more than a person, a potential connection more than an actual one. I don't say that to dismiss the potency of your feelings here—not at all—but to maybe give you some perspective so things are, well, a bit more realistic here.

 

Brass tacks? You're curious about seeing if you and this friend have any romantic potential. Age old story. What I'd do, in your shoes, is wait until whatever needs to happen where you two are back to seeing each other in 3D more often. Then ask her to hang one on one: a drink, a coffee, a hike, whatever it is that floats your boat. If she shows interest in hanging that way—rather than always with a friend—you've got some information. Cool. Then let her know, in some non-loaded way, that you've lately found yourself wondering about the potential for romance between you two and that you'd like to go on a date. How she reacts to that will probably tell you everything you need to know.

 

I don't personally have any stories of transitioning from a years-long friendship into romance. But I've had moments with friends, periods where one person's feelings got a little more amped than another's, and have found it all navigable. Guess I'm just saying that I don't think it has to be so awkward or consequential, but what really helps in all that is not jumping to the big stuff—love, in love, and so on—so you can continue to experience and develop a connection based on how both people feel, if that makes sense.

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Thank you bluecastle for your advice.

 

I think you're right in a way about the possibility that it's the idea of being in love with her that is making me feel so 'in love'. However I used to see this person several days every single week for 2 years before not seeing her for the last 2 years. In those prior 2 years is when I developed the feelings and just as I felt like it was the real love thing, life changed and we've been apart for the last two years. This is why I'm confused, I had very real 'in person' feelings, but then I've had 2 years of those feelings on standby, seeing her a a handful of times during that period and having my feelings confirmed each time I saw her.

 

Now she's coming back into my life again soon and it's the approach that I'm stuck on. It's a case of do I attempt to move the relationship towards dating immediately as soon as we are together again, or do I go on as normal at first to see if the feelings are genuine and then move towards dating. As someone who has never been in any relationship and therefore has zero confidence I'm probably overcomplicating/overanalysing but she just means a lot to me and I don't think I've shown her that enough as I should.

 

Again thanks for your advice :)

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What does coming back into your life mean, exactly? Is she moving back to your town? If so, I'd start there, meaning just reconnecting in 3D and seeing what that's like, what kind of feelings are stirred in the present rather than in the past or in your own head. If it's abundantly clear to you that you remain sincerely curious about romance, rather than taking comfort in the idea from afar, then you can broach it in the manner I suggested above. Small steps, rather than a gigantic profession.

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Yes that's right so we will be in same place once again. In fact we have now planned to meet up just the two of us this week, so small steps :)

 

Wonderful. Try not to get too caught up in expectations, but just see how it goes, how you feel, the vibe you get. That's information, in the present tense. If that information makes you want to go on a date—well, then you bring that up.

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Well we met up this week just the two of us . There was definitely a chemistry, she was smiling at me a lot, making lots of eye contact, I felt the same back and just wanted to listen to her all day. I said we should do it more often and she agreed. It sounds such a tiny step but I hope it’s moving in the right direction. We even touched on relationships generally in conversation and it seems we are both looking for something very similar.

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