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Thread: Just broke up with a married man I was never with...

  1. #1
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    Just broke up with a married man I was never with...

    Hello all,

    I have previously received some beautiful advice and compassion from this site, so am drawn to return and gain some insights.

    The last time I was on this site, I was recovering from the breakup of a three-year relationship. One of my friends (whom I'd 'met' on a meditation forum online, but who lived in America whereas I live in the UK) helped me through this breakup tremendously, encouraging me to look after myself and doing healing work. This friend, who we'll call Neil, was going through the separation of his marriage of 27 years, so he told me. He didn't go into great depth about the separation, but he had introduced himself to me as being in the process of separation, and I didn't pry.

    We were friends for about a year before things developed further. We'd speak every day, as friends. Then, I started dating someone in London and Neil began expressing feelings for me, saying he'd wished it was him I was dating, and telling me how he would look after me if we were together. I soon broke up with the guy I was dating and focused exclusively on Neil. We called more frequently, became more sexually explicit in our messages and generally became closer romantically. Due to the 8 hour time difference, I often found myself staying up late at night, waiting for his messages. He was so kind, loving and vulnerable, and so I fell head over heels. We would talk about a future together, with him hoping to come over to the UK to be with me. I understood he was still living with his wife, but didn't have full insight into the situation. When we finally spoke about it, he described the situation as complicated. I knew that only he worked and so he provided for his wife financially, she also had a daughter in her 30s from a previous relationship, but he never told me much else.

    It turns out that he was still married and while he seemed to want to get divorced, it seemed like it was always too complicated for him to proceed with, or that he was 'working towards it', though no progress was ever made. At weekends, I wouldn't hear from him at all as he would be with his wife. He would phone me from the car on his way to work. I became increasingly irked by the situation and my role in his life as the 'other woman' which I would not have willingly accepted, had I known the full story from the beginning. But by now, I loved him so much and I suppose I was enticed by his beautiful words.

    In April this year, during lock-down, I didn't hear from him for days at a time, as he was with his wife. It became clear to me that I wasn't a priority in his life and I took a couple of weeks to think things through. When I got back in touch, I said we needed to cool the romantic element of our relationship. Going back to a friendship took some getting used to as I still loved him. He would play out sexually, and I would sometimes flirt back, feeling intense shame and guilt afterwards and telling him we couldn't go there. He never seemed to experience the same guilt. It came out that he'd cheated throughout his marriage, and his wife had taken him back (though I'm not sure she was aware of the extent of the cheating). My feelings for him remained, but I said that until he was available, I would just be his friend.

    Since then, I've most definitely fallen down on his priority list. We'd speak occasionally, he'd arrange to call then say something else came up, he just seemed to be distant. When he'd call, it would be from the car and I'd still feel like I was a dirty little secret. Yesterday, it became too upsetting for me. I still have strong feelings for him but he seems to be more detached since the romantic element went away. I asked him bluntly, 'do you have any intention to leave your wife?' His answer was 'I don't know. My heart changes on a daily basis'. I told him I couldn't continue playing friends when my heart felt so attached to him and yet there was no future. I said I needed distance and I wouldn't be in touch.

    I feel absolutely shattered and devastated today. I know this is the right thing to do as he is married and misrepresented this from the start. I feel like writing a letter to explain my perspective, but I know that's just an attempt to gain his attention. I feel I need to go no contact, but it's so difficult when you've been talking to someone every day for three years. I should have been smarter from the start, I realise that x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Oh my, you got conned big time. He was never going to leave his wife, your entire story tells that. Calls from his car? He cant call from his house if she is home! You were the secret he kept from his wife. The red flags were there but you either didn't see them or didn't acknowledge them.

    You really need to block and delete this guy from any and all social media and your phone. Go No Contact immediately. You know this is the right thing to do. He is a liar and con artist.

    Dont get into any more online romances with people from far away that you are not likely ever going to meet. Please learn from this.

  3. #3
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    Why would you want to be "friends" with someone who lied and cheated on you, and his partner? This is a low-quality individual.

    You were not in the least suspicious, when he told you that he lived with her, and his phoning was limited. I'm sorry, how could you not know! Big, red flags waving all over the place.

    Why would you send a letter to this POS? I also suggest that you have real life, local relationships, not fantasies.

  4. #4
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    I am sorry you are hurting.
    It seems you are wonderful distraction in this man's life. As long as you played along, he did too. Then when you actually voiced your concerns, it was too much hassle for him.
    Before was sweet and safe...you were far, not threatening in any way. Safe distance.
    3 years long lesson.
    Please cut him immediately. Block, delete and remove all traces of any ilussion he created.
    You probably know 20 proc of his real situation, if so. The way to recovery its only through drastic cut from him.
    He is not your friend. He is a fantasy with a bitter ending.
    This will pass. You will see. It is only a shame that during these 3 years you could actually missed or fail to notice a decent man who would be prepared to give you all, not crumbs.

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  6. #5
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    I agree with you both, there were red flags there from the beginning, but I suppose I was vulnerable having just had my heart broken and he was so kind and charming. I suppose I just believed what I wanted to believe, even when there was evidence to the contrary.

    It's difficult to have real life friendships at the moment as I've just moved to a new city and lockdown has seen a lot of activities cancelled, but I do intend to do this when it's possible. You're right Holly. I have been living in a fantasy and it was never likely to be real life. I'm learning that the hard way.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by irka000
    I am sorry you are hurting.
    It seems you are wonderful distraction in this ma
    n life. As long as you played along, he did too. Then when you actually voiced your concerns, it was too much hassle for him.
    Before was sweet and safe...you were far, not threatening in any way. Safe distance.
    3 years long lesson.
    Please cut him immediately. Block, delete and remove all traces of any ilussion he created.
    You probably know 20 proc of his real situation, if so. I am terribly sorry. I have been there looong time ago. The way to recovery its only through drastic cut from him.
    He is not your friend. He is a fantasy with a bitter ending.
    Thank you for your kindness, you're so right xx

  8. #7
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    What a waste of three years!

    Charming is a red flag. My ex was very charming, he too, had a past of cheating on his ex wife.

    The lockdown has been tough, but it would be a good time to take a break from relationships for self reflection. Think about what you want in someone. What are your needs and then look for a relationship with someone local. I would also address why you chose someone who lives on another continent, who you had not met in three years. Doesn't sound like you really wanted a relationship, or you would have been with someone you could see on a regular basis, not virtually..

    You never had time to process the previous relationship. Now, you can process both to understand what brought you here.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 09-04-2020 at 11:33 AM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....you bought into the oldest lie in the book - my marriage is not happy.

    You were vulnerable and he preyed on you big time and lied and lied and lied some more. That said, he did tell you from the get go that he is married, happily or not is irrelevant. The only relevant factor is that you are talking to a married guy and you actively chose to ignore the married part and go down the rabbit hole anyway. That's some soul searching for you to do on yourself - you weren't really such a fool that you didn't know anything. You did, you know how this story goes, you chose to get involved anyway. Predictably, you got burnt by that decision.

    You know what you need to do - no more contact ever again. Don't be the other woman in someone else's marriage and don't ever fool yourself that the cheater is some kind of a prize. You are in love with a lie.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    What a waste of three years!

    Charming is a red flag. My ex was very charming, he too, had a past of cheating on his ex wife.

    The lockdown has been tough, but it would be a good time to take a break from relationships for self reflection. Think about what you want in someone. What are your needs and then look for a relationship with someone local. I would also address why you chose someone who lives on another continent, who you had not met in three years. Doesn't sound like you really wanted a relationship, or you would have been with someone you could see on a regular basis, not virtually..

    You never had time to process the previous relationship. Now, you can process both to understand what brought you here.
    Yes, I don't think I was ready for another relationship, and this one felt 'safe'. There was no genuine commitment on his part, and my commitment was at a distance because I'd been hurt before. I definitely don't intend to enter another relationship for a long time. I just need peace.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Well....you bought into the oldest lie in the book - my marriage is not happy.

    You were vulnerable and he preyed on you big time and lied and lied and lied some more. That said, he did tell you from the get go that he is married, happily or not is irrelevant. The only relevant factor is that you are talking to a married guy and you actively chose to ignore the married part and go down the rabbit hole anyway. That's some soul searching for you to do on yourself - you weren't really such a fool that you didn't know anything. You did, you know how this story goes, you chose to get involved anyway. Predictably, you got burnt by that decision.

    You know what you need to do - no more contact ever again. Don't be the other woman in someone else's marriage and don't ever fool yourself that the cheater is some kind of a prize. You are in love with a lie.
    I would argue that while I knew he was married, he introduced himself as being separated. Obviously it was not my intention to fall in love with a married man. However, you are right that it was too easy to do so and this is something I need to examine.

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