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Thread: Just broke up with a married man I was never with...

  1. #11
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    I am sorry Jen, and I agree with the other posters. Yes, you got conned.

    You said:

    "and he was so kind and charming."

    More accurately he seemed kind and charming. Spurious charm.

    I think, Jen, that you really need to up your radar significantly to be able to see the difference between "what seems" and what actually is".

    Meantime, absolute no contact with this conman. A pathological liar.

    And this:

    "he introduced himself as being separated."

    Anyone can introduce themselves as anyone. Don't let anyone spin you a tale ever again. And btw separated means still married.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

    Basically he was an emotional rebound.

    You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

    My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

    Lost

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Yes, I don't think I was ready for another relationship, and this one felt 'safe'. There was no genuine commitment on his part, and my commitment was at a distance because I'd been hurt before. I definitely don't intend to enter another relationship for a long time. I just need peace.
    I think that that is a great idea. The pandemic makes it easier, as we are trapped at home.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

    Basically he was an emotional rebound.

    You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

    My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

    Lost
    The pup in your pic is so sweet.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Online affairs 20% reality, 80% fantasy..so dangerous going down that rabbit hole. It's the dopamine racing though your brain created by each message given....it's as addicting as heroine.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    I am sorry Jen, and I agree with the other posters. Yes, you got conned.

    You said:

    "and he was so kind and charming."

    More accurately he seemed kind and charming. Spurious charm.

    I think, Jen, that you really need to up your radar significantly to be able to see the difference between "what seems" and what actually is".

    Meantime, absolute no contact with this conman. A pathological liar.

    And this:

    "he introduced himself as being separated."

    Anyone can introduce themselves as anyone. Don't let anyone spin you a tale ever again. And btw separated means still married.
    Yes you're so right. I was naive and accepted behaviour I now consider unacceptable. I definitely need to see through the personas that people present to who they really are. I can't believe I was so naive.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by lostandhurt
    What I see is that you turned your emotions for the bf you broke up with towards Neil and never really healed. He used you for sex talk and you used him as an emotional crutch instead of dealing with your healing properly.

    Basically he was an emotional rebound.

    You were so distraught over the break up with your extremely crappy bf in November 2018, pined away for him and then instead of healing you distracted yourself with this loser an ocean away to make yourself feel better. There was no healing, no growth and no moving forward. Since Neil was thousands of miles away AND married he was a safe bet.

    My question to you is what next? Will you simply find some new guy to distract you or will you seriously try to heal?

    Lost
    So perceptive, thank you! You're right. I replaced one rubbish guy for another, who told me he was a feminist and supporter of women, but actually screwed over his wife again and again. I intend to seriously heal now. I don't know what that will look like or what form it will take but that is my intention. I have no desire to find another guy anytime soon.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by smackie9
    Online affairs 20% reality, 80% fantasy..so dangerous going down that rabbit hole. It's the dopamine racing though your brain created by each message given....it's as addicting as heroine.
    Absolutely. I was addicted to a feeling, not a reality. What a revelation it is and brings you back to life with a thud but at least I see it for what it is now.

  10. #19
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    Yes, block this man everywhere.

    He's been toying with you from the very beginning, and if he's cheated before, you have to consider that he may well have been sweet-talking other women online at the same time he was sweet-talking you.

    As you've already suggested, now would be a great time to reflect on why and how you let yourself get entangled in this for this long. That way you can learn and never get involved with something like this again.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Jen. There is nothing wrong at all with finding another man.

    Of course, now is the time to heal and sharpen your instincts. Practice beoth awareness and self-awareness.

    And, get engaged in any activities you can (Covid permitting!).

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