Breakup

Hope everyone is well I havent posted for some time in here but is it normal after nearly a year of being split up after a 6 year relationship to still have some down days? I am so much better since Iast posted on here, still doing my fitness and now started driving lessons but the past couple of days I have been feeling down about the break up, it is my ex birthday in a couple of weeks and I'm not sure why I am feeling sad.

We haven't spoken since March before lockdown so I defo wouldnt text him happy birthday as the guy broke my heart but Have any of use had this feeling before?

You are still grieving the loss of the relationship. Some people take longer than others to get over it. As they say time heals all wounds...you are not ready yet...hang in there.

You are still grieving the loss of the relationship. Some people take longer than others to get over it. As they say time heals all wounds...you are not ready yet...hang in there.

Thanks I am so much better than when I posted months ago just trying to move on with life but I think because this will be the first year for my birthday not having him there and not being there for his it feels a bit strange

So let me ask you why do you think you have not progresses so far? What have you done to advance and move forward and why do you think is holding you back?

Have you done everything you needed to do? Have you purged him from your like deleted his number or all texts messages? Do you still stalk his social media? If he has given you anything have you packed them up or thrown them away? Do you still have pictures in your phone or in your place? Is there anything in your dwelling or phone that would remind you of your X?

Let me ask you.. what is the best way to forget a language you learned or a phone number you saw? Don't use it.. If I wrote down a phone number and placed in on my fridge and looked at it every day and said "don't think about this phone number" do you think I would forget it? Just looking at it would keep it in my mind. so how do we forget it? Throw the note away and we live our lives.

Its okay to have memories, but it takes a toll on our lives if it starts affecting us in our daily routine. Think of it this way.. let see if this helps.

When you lose someone thru a break up. You still have all these emotional attachments to that person. You can think of them as vines, or ropes or strings and one represents a memory or an emotion. As long as you tug on these vines, or think about them, you keep them fresh and alive. So if you have a picture of your X you look at every day, you keep a lot of these attachments fresh. So what do we have to do? Quit thinking about them and in time, those emotional attachments will dry up and detach and fade away. Little by little, day by day these vines will detach. So do what you have to do to make these emotional ties dry up and fade.

Are you in denial or thinking he is going to come back or wanting him to come back? But there is a reason that you have not let go. You can tell me you are going to the gym or losing weight but there is a part of you that is holding on. Is it fear? Is it embarrassment? Is it shame? Is it pride or what? Letting go of a relationship is the best thing you can do. What you are doing is giving yourself a chance to meet someone else. To really be open and honest with new people you meet. Its hard to be free when you are still looking back.

In the end. Its all on you. Eventually you will be the one that has to stand up and say no more.. its time for me to move on and I refuse to think of my X any longer. Youll be okay..

Thanks I am so much better than when I posted months ago just trying to move on with life but I think because this will be the first year for my birthday not having him there and not being there for his it feels a bit strange

The first year after a break up is always the hardest especially if you've spent a good chunk of time with that person. There are those days as you say like birthdays and other special occasions. You'll get through this though. They're a handful of days out of the whole year so cut yourself some slack and don't be afraid to feel what you feel. I'm more thinking along the lines that you haven't processed all that pain yet and maybe it's not such a bad idea for you to have a good cry.

There's enough pressure from friends and family and work etc about getting on and being 'ok'. I think the important thing to note is that you don't have to be ok all the time.

When you care about and love someone deeply, those feelings linger. It's fine to have down days at any time, especially around significant dates like a birthday or anniversary. But you get through, one day at a time. Just keep doing what you are doing and making yourself happy with your own life. Those bad days become less and less, spread further and further apart. But if you need a day to not be okay, if you need to let out some tears, do it. That's the healthy approach, embracing your feelings as they come.

The first year after a break up is always the hardest especially if you've spent a good chunk of time with that person. There are those days as you say like birthdays and other special occasions. You'll get through this though. They're a handful of days out of the whole year so cut yourself some slack and don't be afraid to feel what you feel. I'm more thinking along the lines that you haven't processed all that pain yet and maybe it's not such a bad idea for you to have a good cry.

 

There's enough pressure from friends and family and work etc about getting on and being 'ok'. I think the important thing to note is that you don't have to be ok all the time.

Yeah I think I just feel silly getting upset sometimes but I dont have as much down days as I used to

I think when it is his birthday i will just keep myself busy so I am not thinking about it too much? Is that the best thing to do?

And i definitely wont be messaging him a birthday message

When you care about and love someone deeply, those feelings linger. It's fine to have down days at any time, especially around significant dates like a birthday or anniversary. But you get through, one day at a time. Just keep doing what you are doing and making yourself happy with your own life. Those bad days become less and less, spread further and further apart. But if you need a day to not be okay, if you need to let out some tears, do it. That's the healthy approach, embracing your feelings as they come.

Thank you cant believe it's nearly been a year now. I honestly didnt think I would be this strong over the past year and getting myself through it think I have surprised alot of people

Just need to keep pushing through. I'm not sure if he will be expecting a birthday message from me but I wont be.

So let me ask you why do you think you have not progresses so far? What have you done to advance and move forward and why do you think is holding you back?

Have you done everything you needed to do? Have you purged him from your like deleted his number or all texts messages? Do you still stalk his social media? If he has given you anything have you packed them up or thrown them away? Do you still have pictures in your phone or in your place? Is there anything in your dwelling or phone that would remind you of your X?

Let me ask you.. what is the best way to forget a language you learned or a phone number you saw? Don't use it.. If I wrote down a phone number and placed in on my fridge and looked at it every day and said "don't think about this phone number" do you think I would forget it? Just looking at it would keep it in my mind. so how do we forget it? Throw the note away and we live our lives.

Its okay to have memories, but it takes a toll on our lives if it starts affecting us in our daily routine. Think of it this way.. let see if this helps.

 

When you lose someone thru a break up. You still have all these emotional attachments to that person. You can think of them as vines, or ropes or strings and one represents a memory or an emotion. As long as you tug on these vines, or think about them, you keep them fresh and alive. So if you have a picture of your X you look at every day, you keep a lot of these attachments fresh. So what do we have to do? Quit thinking about them and in time, those emotional attachments will dry up and detach and fade away. Little by little, day by day these vines will detach. So do what you have to do to make these emotional ties dry up and fade.

 

Are you in denial or thinking he is going to come back or wanting him to come back? But there is a reason that you have not let go. You can tell me you are going to the gym or losing weight but there is a part of you that is holding on. Is it fear? Is it embarrassment? Is it shame? Is it pride or what? Letting go of a relationship is the best thing you can do. What you are doing is giving yourself a chance to meet someone else. To really be open and honest with new people you meet. Its hard to be free when you are still looking back.

 

In the end. Its all on you. Eventually you will be the one that has to stand up and say no more.. its time for me to move on and I refuse to think of my X any longer. Youll be okay..

I think I have made alot of progress since last year and I dont have him on social media etc, alot better than I was at the start of the year

It was a very sudden breakup which shocked me and alot of people didnt expect it so i think sometimes I just wonder why did he do it but I will never get the answers.

I would like to meet someone new because I know I deserve better than the way I was treated but I think its just fear of meeting someone new again.

I think I have made alot of progress since last year and I dont have him on social media etc, alot better than I was at the start of the year

 

It was a very sudden breakup which shocked me and alot of people didnt expect it so i think sometimes I just wonder why did he do it but I will never get the answers.

 

I would like to meet someone new because I know I deserve better than the way I was treated but I think its just fear of meeting someone new again.

I think that's the hardest part, not knowing why something happened. If you had seen it coming or knew something was wrong, he could have prepared yourself, had time to process where things were. But when it's unexpected you're only left with questions. Why? What was it? Could I have done something different? And if you don't have those answers, it's difficult to find the closure you need to fully move on. And how do you trust someone to that level again when you know it could all end suddenly again?

You're doing a great job so far, and I know better things are coming for you. Keep at it and one day that someone will be standing in front of you.

I think that's the hardest part, not knowing why something happened. If you had seen it coming or knew something was wrong, he could have prepared yourself, had time to process where things were. But when it's unexpected you're only left with questions. Why? What was it? Could I have done something different? And if you don't have those answers, it's difficult to find the closure you need to fully move on. And how do you trust someone to that level again when you know it could all end suddenly again?

 

You're doing a great job so far, and I know better things are coming for you. Keep at it and one day that someone will be standing in front of you.

Yeah I dont think i have had the closure to move on fully and you right it's about trusting someone again because I fully trusted him and then look what happend if that makes sense?

I think just this first year I found it difficult not having someone there because you are used to all those years having that person by your side but I am adjusting. Dont get me wrong it's been the bloody hardest year of my life and I've surprised myself at how strong I am didnt know I had it in me.

Thank you that means alot to me it really does :)

Sorry to hear that. It really is not about trust or closure. He didn't betray you and the honest but difficult breakup is closure.

Sadly, he had been trying to break up for a year before the breakup itself.

It's good you are moving on, but don't undermine your future happiness by continuing to drag all this baggage around.

Try to see red flags sooner. The take away from this is that you had this chapter in your life and as you close it, you can make the next chapter a better one. But that's up to you not him.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562546&page=2&p=7179057&viewfull=1#post7179057

Sorry to hear that. It really is not about trust or closure. He didn't betray you and the honest but difficult breakup is closure.

 

Sadly, he had been trying to break up for a year before the breakup itself.

 

It's good you are moving on, but don't undermine your future happiness by continuing to drag all this baggage around.

 

Try to see red flags sooner. The take away from this is that you had this chapter in your life and as you close it, you can make the next chapter a better one. But that's up to you not him.

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=562546&page=2&p=7179057&viewfull=1#post7179057

Yeah I think I am doing alot better and in a better place since I first posted here when it all happened and alot of people said they can see the progress I've made.

I'm just trying to focus on buying a flat and continuing with the driving lessons and hopefully one day I will meet the right person

hi, I feel your pain, its been a year for me since she left and still battling through, soon hard! All I can say is keep busy! Listen to me offering advice and I cant even help myself lol.

Just dont do what I did and turn to drink.

Head high your going to be ok x

hi, I feel your pain, its been a year for me since she left and still battling through, soon hard! All I can say is keep busy! Listen to me offering advice and I cant even help myself lol.

Just dont do what I did and turn to drink.

Head high your going to be ok x

Aww I hope you are ok, it's one of the toughest things to go through isnt it. Always just think though there is light at the end of the tunnel :) that's what I keep trying to remind myself keep moving forward.

I've found exercising helps me alot too and going long walks always helps to clear the head x

is it normal after nearly a year of being split up after a 6 year relationship to still have some down days?

Yes. The first year or two after breakup of a LTR is spent learning how to reclaim milestones like birthdays and holidays for oneself. So give yourself a break and maybe a private reward for getting through this time in the most positive way for you.

You mentioned trust above, and I'd suggest making that an easier concept than an all-or-nothing option. We each need to learn mature discretion with trust. It's not something that gets taken 'away' from us, and it's also not something to give indiscriminately.

Allow people to EARN your trust over time by paying attention to their behavior. I set my own private trust meter to a neutral 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 when I meet new people. From there, I observe. Over time, an untrustworthy-worthy person will out themselves with disclosures of attitudes or mistreatment of others. A trustworthy person will earn more trust by demonstrating integrity.

I don't just withdraw trust from those who raise red flags, I walk away.

Is it possible for someone who seems trustworthy over time to eventually deceive us? Sure. So we learn how to isolate anomalies rather than destroy our own potential for love and trust in the future. We grow stronger in our trust of our observation skills by identifying overlooked signals that we could have heeded. Rather than beating ourselves up for those mistakes, we view them as a reflection on the deceiver, and we can arm ourselves with lessons learned rather than harming ourselves with victimization.

This is why it's important to fully get to KNOW someone before adopting the rose colored glasses of love. In my own case, I bond when I'm sexual, and so I've discovered the importance of weeding out bad matches who aren't willing to get to know me well on a personality level before expecting sexual intimacy. I've learned to set a high bar before bonding.

While this certainly reduces my dating pool, it also liberates me from investing in lousy matches who don't deserve my time in the first place.

Head high, embrace peace, and learn how to trust in your Self before taking on the concern of trusting anyone else. You'll thank yourself later.

thanks LSL means alot to know im not on my oen, no drink now just gym and long runs, it helps! Keep at it. As you said nice walks with nature will help also.

I'm always worse on Sundays, i used to lie in bed making myself depressed, but now I get up right away. Keeping busy is good, I've never had such a clean house lol!

If you ever need to talk let me know, im a good listener.

Head high

Mark x

thanks LSL means alot to know im not on my oen, no drink now just gym and long runs, it helps! Keep at it. As you said nice walks with nature will help also.

I'm always worse on Sundays, i used to lie in bed making myself depressed, but now I get up right away. Keeping busy is good, I've never had such a clean house lol!

If you ever need to talk let me know, im a good listener.

Head high

Mark x

Yeah honestly exercise has helped so much physically and mentally just relaxes you.

I was a bit like that when my breakup ended because on sundays I was also used to going out and doing things etc with my ex so it took a bit of time getting used to being on my own but now most sundays I get up and go a 6 mile walk and it sets me up for the day. Yeah cleaning aswell always keeps you busy lol

Thank you keep your head high too. I always just think everyone has been through what we have been through and there could be alot worse things out there we should be glad we have our health and family.

sorry I added my email, just wanted to say im here if u need to talk