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Thread: Family vs. Sun? Which would you choose?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's fine. Don't drag it out.
    Originally Posted by Matty71
    And I did see a lawyer, about 18 months ago, just to educate myself on what divorce would bring. It was an expensive hour, but definitely helped me understand where things stand. In short, they said that unless she does something very serious (that would involve the police, for example) we would split custody 50-50, because the cost of trying to prove that she was unfit or unwell would be extremely costly in court/lawyer fees, and the courts in our state try hard to keep joint custody in any situation possible.

  2. #22
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    No...I don't see myself living this way for the next ten years. But asking for a divorce is a huge step to take. One that I never imagined I would take. And one that seems to end everything we've built I the last 10 years. Are we really unfixable to give up hope? Is she?

    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    Matty. Glad to hear you consulted a lawyer on the matter.

    Granted that in the midst of the Covid situation it is difficult to set any process in motion. But I have to ask, what do you intend to do? You do realise that she is mentally ill.

    Do you see yourself living in this manner for the next ten, twenty, thirty years?

    "She also does not care about her career anymore. About 3-4 years ago she took a new job which she said was too good to be true. And then 6 months ago she quit it, after months of telling me how much she hated it. She took a new job, which has much more flexibility, the same pay, all work from home....aka her new dream job. Predictably, she now hates that job and is looking for a new job."

    "I handle 99% of the school-related social functions, I take the kids to all of the children's birthday parties, I go to the potlucks, I coach kids soccer and baseball, and lead Cub Scouts. She has had years worth of excuses for why she doesn't want to go make small talk at these things...her health, her self-esteem, "

  3. #23
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Matty:

    I am in no position to give an opinion on your wife's state of mind. It would be highly advisable that she sees a mental health professional immediately.

    I can well understand that getting a divorce is a very big step. But I would say think of your children. The present situation is toxic for them and make no mistake, children absorb everything that is going on around them.

    So, it's your call. Life deals out the playing cards in ways we don't often expect. And there are few certainties in life.

    It is so important that the divorce is handled in the smoothest manner possible, mainly for the children's sake.

    AS things stand, and from what you have narrated here, I wonder would your wife be fit to handle her 50% custody?

  4. #24
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    Yes, I think that she is fit to handle her 50%, at least most of the time. She holds it together in public quite well, its when we are at home that the wheels come off.

    And I agree about the smoothest divorce possible but I think she will go full scorched earth if/when I leave. She will do everything she can to get full custody (which she has threatened me with before during fights) and her family has much more money than I or my family so a prolonged legal battle will hurt me much more financially.

    The last few days have been really good. Back to her normal self. But the next fall is inevitably coming. Right?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    A charming scenario, OP.

    " I think she will go full scorched earth if/when I leave. She will do everything she can to get full custody (which she has threatened me with before during fights) and her family has much more money than I or my family so a prolonged legal battle will hurt me much more financially.
    "


    As Smackie said:

    "Dude, you are in a tight spot".

    She feels free to behave in any outlandish fashion she wishes because she knows you are afraid of her.

    Yet you have said in your op:

    "I hate the idea of my kids growing up in a divorced home, and being unprotected from her anger and depression (which I fear will be focused on them if I am not here to absorb it.)
    "

    While now you say:

    "I think that she is fit to handle her 50%, at least most of the time. "



    So, you have some thinking to do. Life is short, OP.

    These were DancingFool's words:

    "they will pretend, even go to therapy for a bit, but the deeply rooted entitlement cannot be erased. These people can't be fixed because deep down they don't believe they are wrong, they think they are entitled to do whatever they wish."
    Last edited by LaHermes; 09-09-2020 at 10:12 AM.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    The courts determine custody along with an evaluation of your and her housing, finances, etc. it's not your call. Don't use your children as pawns in a messy divorce.

    It seems you don't even want to divorce, so try therapy for yourself to manage even if she won't go.
    Originally Posted by Matty71
    She will do everything she can to get full custody (which she has threatened me with before during fights) and her family has much more money than I or my family so a prolonged legal battle will hurt me much more financially.

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