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Thread: Family vs. Sun? Which would you choose?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You should speak more candidly with your wife about your marriage before throwing in the towel or divorcing her (or separating). She may not realize how close you are to the brink if you're so "stoic". Do you communicate well? How's your sex life? She doesn't appear happy but before you start going through the divorce process you need to take a very good look at the way you're contributing to the problems in your marriage also. Divorce is not an easy way out and there's a lot of processing involved later on as well especially regarding coparenting and starting new relationships later. Her behaviour while alarming is heartbreakingly sad to me. Is she aware that you were seeing a therapist? Has your therapist invited having her also or have you considered seeing a different one for couples therapy?

    I have other questions - Does she work? What does she do? Does she go out much or have time to herself away from the kids? What's the romance like in your relationship? If it's non-existent, when did it start this way? Has she made comments about not being as emotionally close to you? Or that both of you should make more of an effort? Do you go out for dates?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Privately and confidentially speak with an attorney for some answers and options in your case.

    It's unclear what's going on with her medically but you say this is recent? Obviously moving to Hawaii is not the solution.

    Since she doesn't want to address this through joint therapy and you can't force anyone to seek medical help (by the way, that is fixing behavior... if they just saw a doctor and changed all would be perfect).

    It's frankly as unrealistic as thinking moving to Hawaii will solve the problems. You'll have to make some changes that come from you and realistically address this.

    Don't get wrapped up in Dr Google on this. Why? Because it doesn't matter what she has whether it's occult substance abuse a brain tumor a mood disorder, whatever. Fixing her won't solve the problem.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Agree with Wiseman.

    This is best advice OP

    "Privately and confidentially speak with an attorney for some answers and options in your case.
    "


    IMO the OP is up against a stone wall here.

    "..about 3 years ago my wife began to change, becoming angry easily, being aggressive when we disagreed (by aggressive I mean screaming, stomping, pounding furniture with her fists, slamming doors and cabinets, etc)."


    "then she became worried about everythingÖNorth Korea had nukes, Donald Trump got elected, we didnít have enough money to go on long vacations overseas that she craved, so on and so on. About 2 years after buying the house she announced that we should sell everything and travel the world for a year. "

    Sounds like sheer living hell, OP. Btw you haven't come back OP.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    She's definitely bi-polar. Her spells are called mania. Exaggerated behavior, need for ditching everything and moving, wanting to spend money excessively, having tunnel vision, bullying you into getting what she wants...so like my mother. One of my mom's purchases was an RV that was over 100K, she barely used it. She's has her moments where she is so mean, has such a hate for my sister-in-law so she alienated herself from the family.

    Dude you are in a tight spot. I agree to seek out legal counsel first. Then seek out medical advice on her condition, maybe even get family involved for a intervention, or do one on your own. She needs medical assessment and treatment.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    I would send wife on a trip to Hawaii and let her research places she wants to live, costs, job prospects, etc.

    Let her build a realistic case, if she can, to bring home for discussion. If she doesn't come home, that's on her. Meanwhile, seek legal advice and don't allow her to take the kids out of state.

  7. #16
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    Thanks. She's visited a few times for 2 weeks, and worked there for 3 months in her 20's. But life with three kids is so much different than vacationing in a place. I think the points you make about Hawaii are things that deep down she knows but ignores or doesn't care about.

  8. #17
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    Thanks to all of you for your support and suggestions. It is hard to get alone on the computer to respond to you all so it takes some time for me to respond.

    To answer some of the other questions on here...Yes, she works. Full time in the field of medical research. She's well paid (better than me) and worked hard to build her career. She also does not care about her career anymore. About 3-4 years ago she took a new job which she said was too good to be true. And then 6 months ago she quit it, after months of telling me how much she hated it. She took a new job, which has much more flexibility, the same pay, all work from home....aka her new dream job. Predictably, she now hates that job and is looking for a new job.

    And I did see a lawyer, about 18 months ago, just to educate myself on what divorce would bring. It was an expensive hour, but definitely helped me understand where things stand. In short, they said that unless she does something very serious (that would involve the police, for example) we would split custody 50-50, because the cost of trying to prove that she was unfit or unwell would be extremely costly in court/lawyer fees, and the courts in our state try hard to keep joint custody in any situation possible.

  9. #18
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    Thanks. It can feel like things are so good sometimes, not perfect, but she seems happy, and I can relax and enjoy. But I know what is coming again, and I can feel my body constantly tensed, waiting for her emotions to go downhill again. But I have trouble walking away from someone that I love, and that I pledged to love no matter what. Its easy to see (sometimes) that I would be happier if we divorced, but hard to actually take that step. Now that we are all quarantined together it is an even harder to take.

    Originally Posted by smackie9
    She's definitely bi-polar. Her spells are called mania. Exaggerated behavior, need for ditching everything and moving, wanting to spend money excessively, having tunnel vision, bullying you into getting what she wants...so like my mother. One of my mom's purchases was an RV that was over 100K, she barely used it. She's has her moments where she is so mean, has such a hate for my sister-in-law so she alienated herself from the family.

    Dude you are in a tight spot. I agree to seek out legal counsel first. Then seek out medical advice on her condition, maybe even get family involved for a intervention, or do one on your own. She needs medical assessment and treatment.

  10. #19
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    Thanks Rose. I told her about my therapist, only after I'd been going for a while, when I suggested she see someone and she was angry about me suggesting it. I thought it would help. It didn't. She works full time, but she does not go out much beyond that. I handle 99% of the school-related social functions, I take the kids to all of the children's birthday parties, I go to the potlucks, I coach kids soccer and baseball, and lead Cub Scouts. She has had years worth of excuses for why she doesn't want to go make small talk at these things...her health, her self-esteem, etc. Her closest friends are a group of high school friends. I encourage her to talk and Zoom with them whenever possible.

    There's not a lot of romance in our relationship. I don't know how or when that happened. Over time, its become stressful to spend time one-on-one with her over dinner or drinks. It almost always ends in an argument about Hawaii or me dodging the subject. She's not interested in other topics at this point and so its safer to just sit and watch TV or work.


    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You should speak more candidly with your wife about your marriage before throwing in the towel or divorcing her (or separating). She may not realize how close you are to the brink if you're so "stoic". Do you communicate well? How's your sex life? She doesn't appear happy but before you start going through the divorce process you need to take a very good look at the way you're contributing to the problems in your marriage also. Divorce is not an easy way out and there's a lot of processing involved later on as well especially regarding coparenting and starting new relationships later. Her behaviour while alarming is heartbreakingly sad to me. Is she aware that you were seeing a therapist? Has your therapist invited having her also or have you considered seeing a different one for couples therapy?

    I have other questions - Does she work? What does she do? Does she go out much or have time to herself away from the kids? What's the romance like in your relationship? If it's non-existent, when did it start this way? Has she made comments about not being as emotionally close to you? Or that both of you should make more of an effort? Do you go out for dates?

  11. #20
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Matty. Glad to hear you consulted a lawyer on the matter.

    Granted that in the midst of the Covid situation it is difficult to set any process in motion. But I have to ask, what do you intend to do? You do realise that she is mentally ill.

    Do you see yourself living in this manner for the next ten, twenty, thirty years?

    "She also does not care about her career anymore. About 3-4 years ago she took a new job which she said was too good to be true. And then 6 months ago she quit it, after months of telling me how much she hated it. She took a new job, which has much more flexibility, the same pay, all work from home....aka her new dream job. Predictably, she now hates that job and is looking for a new job."

    "I handle 99% of the school-related social functions, I take the kids to all of the children's birthday parties, I go to the potlucks, I coach kids soccer and baseball, and lead Cub Scouts. She has had years worth of excuses for why she doesn't want to go make small talk at these things...her health, her self-esteem, "

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