EX Gf and I both cried when we broke up, but now she’s completely ignoring me?

Hey,

Me (20M) and my ex (20F) broke up last Tuesday 10 month relationship. Hasn’t even been a week yet. The nights before she broke up with me we got into a fight over my finances. I told her about a possible multi-thousand dollar bonus at my job. And she wanted to tell me not to spend it. Criticizing me like always I thought. I got mad. This fight lasted a few days before the breakup.

she texted me the breakup message. I was hurt waking up to it. She tried calling me 3 times but yet again, I fell asleep without saying goodnight. She said she was very sorry for doing it over text (I said I prefer text earlier in the relationship - I really thought I would have.) She then, later that day wanted to say goodbye one last time. She said beforehand - if I cry I’m sorry. It’s been a tough day for me. I said I had gotten my crying done with this morning.

I show up, and she says hey, we talk about the relationship. Talk about how she is going to miss me. We’re both crying at this point. We hug several times. When I really break down she hugs me tight. She said “you’ll find someone whose better for you than me,” “it’s a personality clash” “I’m sorry but it’s final.” She recommended NC to help us both heal. I said I couldn’t do that- I had no one else to talk to.

The next day I couldn’t sleep. (Still have 3-4 hour nights of sleep & haven’t eaten since Tuesday.) I wrote a long letter expressing my love to her and apologizing for always acting cold with her when she just wanted to feel appreciated and loved. She left my house several times crying. Sometimes I’d go out there to comfort her - and like a , other times I’d let her leave. She started crying when she heard me reading the letter. I was crying, too. Hard. She said that she really appreciated hearing all of that and didn’t know how passionate I was about her. She then said, what’s done is done... I’ve made my mind up - we cannot get back together and will not either. The same day we text and I say - I really need to go NC to get over you. She said she understood and that she was here anytime to talk if I needed help - and that she was sorry. She wanted me to find mental peace and move on. Later that night, 4 hours later she said “how are you holding up?” I told her the truth - terribly. She said she was feeling sad. It’s hard to forget the good times. She asked if we could call that night and said it was probably a bad idea.

later that night we call for 4 hours. Talking about everything other than the relationship. We even flirted a tiny bit. She said she had to go because she needed to wake up in 4 hours. Later that next day she said that she couldn’t keep talking to me. She said it felt like we were still dating. She was conflicted breaking up with me - and now was considering getting back together with me. She felt appreciated last night she said. I was upset and asked if we could meet up - and she was kind. She kept saying no sorry :( and telling me that we cannot get back together. No matter what I say will change her mind and that she doesn’t want to see me because it’ll open everything back up.

the same evening I asked if we could call. I told her how much I had changed. I wasn’t cold anymore, or playing games. I didn’t realize I loved her until she was gone. She let me keep talking for 3 hours. We discussed what I would have done differently. I said I would have planned special dates with candles watching the sunset, bringing her flowers, writing random paragraphs to her expressing my love and care. She started crying and I said “oh no, I will stop if you want. I don’t want to hurt you anymore”

”No, keep going” and I just said everything I would have done.

she was sobbing. She said “that’s all I ever wanted. Now that I’m gone you do all of these things and say them. I didn’t even know you were capable of any of that.

I told her in the beginning of the relationship I didn’t treat her as a person - she knew this. Then as time progressed and we started dating I resented the fact we were dating because I felt pressured to date her. (She wanted me to ask her out for awhile) and I felt I was losing freedom. As time progressed - I never really lost that resentment. I didn’t realize I was growing attached to her. I knew I really liked her but I didn’t know how much in love I was until we were done. She ended the conversation saying “I feel such a sense of relief - like weight has been taken off of my back. If I’m honest with you - I don’t see us ever getting back together. I fell out of love with you months ago and have no feelings anymore for you. I am sorry but please respect this - this is also hard for me. Especially seeing how you’ve taken it.”

the next day I said “ I want to bring you your things and drop them off” she was working down the road from me that day and she said “what time are you off of work?” And it was an hour difference. She told me she could just grab the stuff at my work. I agreed thinking - this is good. She wants to see me. Earlier that morning I went out & spent $200. I needed to prove to her I changed and could show love and affection. I planned a date watching the sunset. I bought a comforter, pillows, candles, water, juice, sweets, strawberries, a meat platter, a cooler & a basket. I don’t know why I did any of this.

we meet up for the final time at my work. She parked way away from my car. I leave the building and started walking toward my car - I didn’t know that she was there. She yelled “Noah I’m over here”. So I go over and she was cold as ice. I said hi, she said hi...I said my car is over there with everything. We stand there for 30 seconds in silence. She was saying “sooo....do you want to get in my car?” And was super hesitant. I said yes. We got in. I asked how work was. “Good,” she replied. Nothing else. We get to my car and I grab her stuff. I bring it to her. I ask if she had a minute to talk. “Sure.” She’s cold, turning away from me the entire time and not making eye contact - looking out ahead.

I said, “I have something important to show you. Meet me here at 7” and she said “I’m not meeting up with you, Noah. Please realize this. What did you do? Why there?” I was holding her hand and during this she held on tighter I apologized for making her feel uncomfortable and not respecting her decision. She wasn’t happy in the relationship for a lot of it because I never showed any emotion there was a barrier between us.

I told her about the surprise date I planned. She said no. I told her everything and she kept insisting, no. I told her ok fine. I’ll be there if you decide to show up anyways. I have her location - she never even left her house. Myself, I never showed up. She was so cold. In the end we started arguing about this and she said “Great, were ending on an argument like usual.” Was super upset with me. I asked if we should hug. She reached her arm out and I said - no - only if you want to. If you’re not comfortable that’s fine. She wanted to hug still. It was a looser hug that lasted maybe 5 seconds. “This is where we say goodbye.” I left and went to my car to grab her birthday card I hand made. She read it and rolled her eyes and let out a laugh almost. I said she didn’t need to keep it. She kept it anyways, I think. i left for good after and went to my car to relax before going back to work. As I got into my car I looked over and she was watching me.

the next day, (yesterday) I asked her if she still had feelings for her ex. I asked for two reasons. 1) she had a photo flipped upside down in her room when I went over for the first time around a month ago (Indian parents - super strict.) I picked it up and she ran over and said no! It was her and her ex. She took it out ripped it up and said I am sorry. I like the frame and it’s been upside down for so long I forgot about it. I let it go, but it did hurt a little.

then one of the mornings we talked after breakup, she said guess who texted me when I was reading the reply to the breakup text. It was her ex. She said it was small talk and that she wasn’t interested.

she reiterated this all when we texted yesterday.

she got upset saying there’s no reason to ask. She didn’t have feelings and didn’t appreciate me asking. She said I was being aggressive and thought I went from grief to anger in the breakup stage. She then said that she cares for me - and wants to help me get through this breakup but the only way to do that is stick to no contact. she also said that she thought I was being 100% genuine in all the post-breakup messages I’ve sent and stuff I said to her. She felt like it was just a ploy to get her back. I told her no way - I literally haven’t slept or had anything to eat in days. How could I not be genuine? “From here on out I will not be replying to your texts.” I left it at that.

I know I committed the cardinal sin of begging and pleading - but in my case of her feeling unappreciated I thought this WAS the way to go. It wasn’t unfortunately. I accept she’s probably gone now.

I texted her about how she’s being super cold, and rude to me. We got into a fight and she said she would block me. She did! Snapchat, and phone. She unblocked my phone number less than 12 hours later but is ignoring my texts. I dropped flowers, chocolate, and a note in her mailbox and told her about it. No reply. Nothing.

I know this girl. I’m not in denial - she definitely still has feelings for me but is far too scared about getting hurt again. What do I do?

This is a a lot of drama for 10 mos, not to mention one week.

It sounds like you have entered the second stage of conflicted, incompatible relationships. That is the on/off stage.

In this stage you'll keep tabs, keep talking maybe have sex here and there, break up a few more times, maybe have sex others, etc

If you want the madness to stop, make a clean break and delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

I agree with Wiseman. You need to let her go completely. She’s no longer interested and the more you drag this out the more hurt you’ll be. No good can come of not going contact. I’m sorry you’re hurting.

She said she wasn't feeling the same for months. I think she's feeling guilty for breaking up the relationship but she doesn't see herself with you in the long term. Her continuing to contact you was wrong. You might not see it now but that's confusing for you.

At this point the only thing you can do is remain respectful and not look deranged/crazy/obsessed or have her get a restraining order against you. Have some self-respect. Things will get better, I promise you. But you have to stop running into these walls or expecting something that isn't there.

Are you also Indian or another culture? Just curious.

This is one of the worst breakup situations, where the party who was broken up with "suddenly realizes" how much they love the other person and starts going overboard with lovey dovey dramatic gestures. The person thinks, oh, where was all this before I broke up with you? It comes across as contrived and insincere. I know because an ex of mine did the same thing. Kept telling me we were casual while we were dating but when I left him to date someone else he suddenly "loved" me! I wanted nothing to do with him because I wanted those things while we were dating, not after I decided to stop seeing him.

Try leaving her alone for a while. Not a couple of hours, but a week or two. See what happens. And for the love of god, stop with the candy/flowers/gifts! That is like salt in the wound to her.

If you know women at all, you do not do this!

You are becoming an annoyance to her. Women don't want someone who is begging, pestering, annoying. All you are doing when you do that, is proving to her even more that she broke up with you for good reasons.

Leave her alone. Do not text, do not message, do not go out of your way to run into her. If here is any chance at all, you must let her miss you and so far, you're doing it all backwards to that.

She broke up with you. Therefore, you must let her be and hope she misses you enough to want to date again. (but the chances are extremely small).

But to keep talking and to keep annoying her, is going to make it worse and worse.

But if you want my honest opinion, you really ought to let it go because you and her didn't have a good relationship. You did not see eye to eye on so many things. You fought over things you shouldn't be fighting over. Finances are a huge deal, if you can't agree on that, then there is no point in even considering dating that person.

You also felt resentment over asking her out and the changes that go along with it. What's that all about? You don't date a girl and carry around resentment like that, because she will be able to tell and it makes life incredibly miserable.

Your life does change once you date seriously. There are different rules from being a single man to being a man in a long term relationship.

If you can't or don't want those changes, stay single. But don't make the woman pay for your refusal to change and then throw tantrums and blame her due to those changes.

You're not "losing your freedom" when dating someone. You're taking in consideration someone else now. Their feelings, their opinions and what works best for you both as a couple.

Again, if that's not for you and you can't commit 100% without being resentful, then remain single.

I am sorry you're going through this, you do sound heartbroken, but Noah, this may be a harsh life lesson that is needed to be taught in order for you to grow so you can be better for the next woman you date.

Some people come into our lives as a lesson and are not the permanent partner. We learn these lessons along the way so we can be our best version for when we do meet our permanent partner.

This is what may have happened here. She was in your life to help teach you, but she was not meant to be permanent.

Accepting that something is over, will also help you become stronger. The heartache will last for a while but it is temporary. You will heal, you will move on. You will fall in love again.