Still love him

Our marriage of 2 years broke down and we separated. However, now I regret it and miss him terribly. We split due to insecurity and controlling habits. However, I look back and think there were other issues I should have taken in to account. I had health issues, followed by a hysterectomy and this caused financial pressures. We are on speaking terms and after me announcing I still love him recently he has asked me not to push him. He said he wants nothing better than to heal our marriage. However, he is in a friendship with a lady now that he says has not become intimate. I wish I had seen the real love for him before saying we should have a break. I am an emotional wreck. I love him so much xxx

Awe I’m sorry

Do you think it’s better you’re not together though? I mean already he’s found someone else and plus his being controlling.

I get it because right after a separation you start to realize the good you had you took for granted.

Most often if you can get past the mourning of the relationship you’ll take the rose tinted glasses off. You’ll see the bad that was there and it will out weigh the good.

I'm sorry, Rachel Ward.

I hope both of you can reconcile when the time is right.

Since he's willing to heal your marriage, there is hope to do so in due time. Give him space and when you don't push him, he'll be ready to talk and patch things up with you. I wish you all the best.

Sorry to hear this. people are feeling isolated and nostalgic these days. What were the reasons you filed for separation? Do have kids together? Get to a doctor for and evaluation of your physical and mental health. At that time ask for a referral to a therapist to unpack and sort out some of the marital issues.

People don't leave because of health problems so don't beat yourself up over that. It sounds like you loved having a relationship/marriage but need to reflect on what the problems were

Our marriage of 2 years broke down and we separated. However, now I regret it and miss him terribly. We split due to insecurity and controlling habits.

 

he is in a friendship with a lady now that he says has not become intimate.

He wants to heal your marriage but prefers the friendship of another woman? How believable is this? Please take a big step backwards and take a deep breath. What this person is doing and what he's saying are two different things. Don't start tripping up about your decision just because your ego is a bruised and you're hurting or jealous momentarily.

Really look at this person and what he's saying and what he's doing. Take a few days for things to absorb and for you to see the entire situation. I think you dodged a bullet. Not everyone treats a marriage the same way. If you went into this thinking you'd have your personal freedoms and he thought differently, that's a major difference and views in opinion. Do you also have different views on responsibilities at home? Don't go crawling back to an abusive situation just because he looks more appealing now that someone else is willing to take his bad behaviour or baggage. He is also not completely divorced meaning that this woman is walking into bed of thorns or a situation that is not completely resolved. Just how clueless and naive is she if he's also giving you (his wife) mixed signals on the side?

Take your time and don't make any rash moves for the moment. Just take a moment to think and be on your own. Watch for his true colours to come through.

You can only heal things when both people are willing to take an honest look at what went wrong, admit their mistakes, and work together to get though it. He may be willing to do so, but still needs time. In the meanwhile, focus on yourself. Take care of you and make yourself happy. Learn how to be okay on her own and be the kind of person you want to be. If it works on with him, you will both be better off for the time apart. And if it doesn't, you will have already started the process of healing and being okay without him. It may hurt at times and you may be down. But believe in yourself. You'll get through this.

Our marriage of 2 years broke down and we separated. However, now I regret it and miss him terribly. We split due to insecurity and controlling habits. However, I look back and think there were other issues I should have taken in to account. I had health issues, followed by a hysterectomy and this caused financial pressures. We are on speaking terms and after me announcing I still love him recently he has asked me not to push him. He said he wants nothing better than to heal our marriage. However, he is in a friendship with a lady now that he says has not become intimate. I wish I had seen the real love for him before saying we should have a break. I am an emotional wreck. I love him so much xxx

Often times when break up with people and miss them, we have a sense of nostalgia about the relationship. We don't always see things as they really were. You can love someone and still think that it is better to be apart.

People are who they are. Remember that, in difficult times people's real habits come out. Significant others can often make excuses for their partner's bad behavior- " It was a stressful time, etc"- Everyone has stress. No one leads a stress-free life! Who they are in difficult times- IS who they are.

He doesn't both want to heal the marriage AND be a in relationship with another woman. So, he is definitely lying to you about something. And be honest with yourself- you don't really know that they haven't been intimate. You are just trusting that he is telling the truth. And IMHO, if he was serious about fixing things- he'd be jumping for joy that you still love him instead of saying not to push him. He's exploring his options. You may love him, but if he really loved you and desperately wanted this marriage back - he wouldn't be exploring his options.

Make sure that it's really HIM you miss and not just loneliness or habit speaking. Think about this- if he was back at home with you TODAY- be honest with yourself- in his current state of mind, not giving up this other woman, not being loving towards you- would this truly make you happy?

Sometimes the BEST time to walk away from a relationship is BEFORE you start hating each other. It's not easy to break up with someone you still love, but sometimes it is necessary.

I really encourage you to talk this thru with a therapist and get an unbiased expert opinion.

Separation is a step toward divorce. It may be better to get some counseling and proceed with the divorce.

It sounds like you separated for valid reasons.

Who was insecure and who was controlling?

How did the hysterectomy bring financial burden?

Who controlled the finances?

Was there loss of income due to the hysterectomy and why?

“ He said he wants nothing better than to heal our marriage”

So why did he mention his lady friend? She should be insignificant if what he said was true? And therefore not worth mentioning!

It sounds like he is wanting to explore his options (her)

How long ago did you split? How long have you been living apart?

Do you actually love him? Or simply remembering the good times only?

If there was a will to heal the marriage , then whoever was insecure , whoeve was controlling , would be seeking professional help for that right now.

Is that happening? If not , why not?

"However, he is in a friendship with a lady now that he says has not become intimate"

OP. he has no intention of "healing" anything.

This is a very tough time for you, but it is vital that you do not deceive yourself.