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Should I date him?


Celine2

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Hello everyone,

Hope you and your loved ones are doing fine. Although not very active but I have been reading regularly some threads here and have really enjoyed the wisdom of a lot of forumers here. So here goes my question:

 

I have been knowing a guy, who happens to be my brother's close friend for a while, have seen him a couple of times and have talked to him shortly. My brother says this guy is a gem and you should date him and why not marry him. He says that he has shown interest in me too... He is a guy my age, almost mid-thirties, very handsome, does not have higher education as far as I know (he has a BSc in physics I guess) and is working in a small company owned by his dad in a field different from his education. He is a very well-behaved man, polite, gentleman and has a very good reputation. I have done higher education myself, have a good-paying job and am someone who loves to read a lot about different things and I really enjoy the company of a man with whom I can discuss literature, poetry, music, psychology and why not politics... This guy is not obviously someone with whom I can talk about such subjects but he is an extremely sweet man and I am sure he will be a good husband and provider... My brother has again told me that he would like to date me and I really am at a loss, I do not know what to answer, what to do...

 

Would you compromise? I would like to know how you would approach such an issue.

 

Please note that I am being asked out a lot by men (most often men younger than me have approached me, don't know the reason) but I have been really disappointed and have not been able someone to settle down with and have my family. About my personality, I am a rather calm woman with lots of good energy, i do not intend to hurt any man's feelings and the two break-ups i have had after my long-term relationships affected me a lot as i had created a bond with their family too who loved me a lot.

 

Thanks in advance for reading this and your advice.

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I have done higher education myself, have a good-paying job and am someone who loves to read a lot about different things and I really enjoy the company of a man with whom I can discuss literature, poetry, music, psychology and why not politics... This guy is not obviously someone with whom I can talk about such subjects

 

How do you know this? Have you spoken to him yourself?

 

I think you're making some unfair assumptions without having any real basis to support them. I'm not sure what part of the world you are in and thus there may be a language barrier, but "higher education" generally means university. He has a degree in physics. That implies he has done higher education, though I am guessing you mean a graduate degree? In any case, you don't know what his interests are, or how well-read he might be. People can be interested in all sorts of things that are unrelated to their field of studies, and have a passion for certain subjects that they might never have formally studied at all. Perhaps you might find he is able to discuss things you don't know much about yourself, and maybe you can learn new things from him too.

 

I would meet him. Get to know the real him, and then decide if you're compatible. Surely having higher education yourself suggests you have developed critical thinking skills and the ability to avoid bias without the data to back up your assertions?

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“ does not have higher education as far as I know (he has a BSc in physics I guess) and is working in a small company owned by his dad in a field different from his education. ”

 

He has a Bachelor of Science. Yet he is not educated enough for you?

What’s your education qualifications ?

 

Your brother has recommended him , which sounds like your brother sees you both as equal.

But why do you perceive this guy to be below you?

 

You should definitely NOT consider dating this guy until you get down from your pedestal.

He deserves better than that , don’t you agree? After all he is a well behaved gentleman , sweet , polite , good reputation and potential to be a good husband , father and provider.

But above all that he deserves someone non judgemental for what you apparently see as a flaw?

 

Go talk poetry and politics with whomever will listen.

 

You haven’t really even spoken to this guy about the weather so stop judging him already!

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Do you know 100% that he won't be able to talk with you on those subjects? How do you know this for sure if you've not spent time with him?

 

Hi Sherry, I am not 100 % sure but based on what I have heard from my brother, he is not that much into it.

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How do you know this? Have you spoken to him yourself?

 

I think you're making some unfair assumptions without having any real basis to support them. I'm not sure what part of the world you are in and thus there may be a language barrier, but "higher education" generally means university. He has a degree in physics. That implies he has done higher education, though I am guessing you mean a graduate degree? In any case, you don't know what his interests are, or how well-read he might be. People can be interested in all sorts of things that are unrelated to their field of studies, and have a passion for certain subjects that they might never have formally studied at all. Perhaps you might find he is able to discuss things you don't know much about yourself, and maybe you can learn new things from him too.

 

I would meet him. Get to know the real him, and then decide if you're compatible. Surely having higher education yourself suggests you have developed critical thinking skills and the ability to avoid bias without the data to back up your assertions?

 

Thank you MissCannuck, I was not being judgmental when talking about his education or job. It was just some additional information. In fact, I do not care about a man's level of education as long as he is someone decent and a person with whom I can have nice discussions. To answer your question, no, I have not spoken to him personally as we have still not gone out together alone, I have just talked to him in gatherings.

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I do not care about a man's level of education as long as he is someone decent and a person with whom I can have nice discussions. To answer your question, no, I have not spoken to him personally as we have still not gone out together alone, I have just talked to him in gatherings.

 

Well, then, why not meet him?

 

Until you give him the chance to have these discussions, you have no idea if he's not interested in the subjects. If it turns out he isn't, and you don't feel compatible, then it's completely fair to decide he's not the guy for you. But I wouldn't be so quick to decide that he "obviously" can't have these kinds of conversations with you when you're never properly spoken to him.

 

I am curious, your brother mentioned you should date or even marry this man. Is it common where you are for families to match-make?

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“ does not have higher education as far as I know (he has a BSc in physics I guess) and is working in a small company owned by his dad in a field different from his education. ”

 

He has a Bachelor of Science. Yet he is not educated enough for you?

What’s your education qualifications ?

 

Your brother has recommended him , which sounds like your brother sees you both as equal.

But why do you perceive this guy to be below you?

 

You should definitely NOT consider dating this guy until you get down from your pedestal.

He deserves better than that , don’t you agree? After all he is a well behaved gentleman , sweet , polite , good reputation and potential to be a good husband , father and provider.

But above all that he deserves someone non judgemental for what you apparently see as a flaw?

 

Go talk poetry and politics with whomever will listen.

 

You haven’t really even spoken to this guy about the weather so stop judging him already!

 

Thanks for the answer. I am not judging him, I absolutely do not consider him below me, I consider no one below myself... I myself come from a modest family where my parents do not have any higher education. My parents are such sweet, compassionate and nice human beings that I would not want to be born into another family... And in the past, I was about to marry a guy who did not have higher education at all but we had such good chemistry and were getting along so well (the break-up had another reason)...

 

I am just saying to myself, what if we get bored easily because we have different passions... I just do not want to string him along and hurt his feelings as I know over the years he has developed feelings for me.

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Well, then, why not meet him?

 

Until you give him the chance to have these discussions, you have no idea if he's not interested in the subjects. If it turns out he isn't, and you don't feel compatible, then it's completely fair to decide he's not the guy for you. But I wouldn't be so quick to decide that he "obviously" can't have these kinds of conversations with you when you're never properly spoken to him.

 

I am curious, your brother mentioned you should date or even marry this man. Is it common where you are for families to match-make?

 

I do not consider this as match making as we have seen each other in gatherings. My brother has suggested that he is a really good guy based on their 10 year friendship and has told me he is interested and wants to date me.

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It sounds like residual hurt and anxiety from your past relationships. You've got to let that sh-t go, hun. Let it go.

 

It does seem like your brother has put a lot of pressure on meeting this friend of his and that seems a little off to me unless he was being goofy/stupid and joking about it. Brothers have tendency to be a bit dumb about these things. I have two. And one of them did try setting me up also with a complete potato. It didn't work out.

 

Take things with a grain of salt, meet the guy. Tell your bro to take a hike and see where this goes. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You don't need to overthink it right now.

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Have you thought about just going out as a group, you, your brother and his friend, for dinner and conversation? No undue pressure on either party, and you could make this a regular, casual, get together thing for a short time. This would be a way for you to get a better sense for his conversation style and interests, without any dating pressures.

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I would meet him -why not? I like to discuss those subjects too So does my husband. I will tell you it was a challenge to continue to read/discuss those subjects when we became parents shortly after marriage -I put in a real effort to continue reading and keep up with what was going on in the world. I did but my life became very infant/baby/toddler centered! My point is you want someone who is flexible about what you talk about, about stages of life, etc.

 

Of course you shouldn't settle -how would that be fair to anyone?

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Is this for an arranged marriage? Have a cup of coffee with the guy. See how it goes.

 

Thank you Wiseman. What makes you think this is an "arranged marriage"? This guy, whom I have seen on occasions, has said to my brother that your sister is a beautiful woman and i would like to get to know her.

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It sounds like residual hurt and anxiety from your past relationships. You've got to let that sh-t go, hun. Let it go.

 

Hi Rose, hope you are doing fine. You just hit the nail on the head... as I said in my post, I have been asked out quite a lot by men but the disappointment has been huge and I have unfortunately been hurt badly in a past long-term relationship that I have a bit of difficulty trusting men again... it was a horrible experience...

 

It does seem like your brother has put a lot of pressure on meeting this friend of his and that seems a little off to me unless he was being goofy/stupid and joking about it. Brothers have tendency to be a bit dumb about these things. I have two. And one of them did try setting me up also with a complete potato. It didn't work out.

 

LOL, the potato thing made me laugh :)

 

Take things with a grain of salt, meet the guy. Tell your bro to take a hike and see where this goes. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. You don't need to overthink it right now.

 

I may go out with him but since he is a close friend of my brother, I am afraid if it doesn't work, it would be hard on them too... I do not wish to stir up trouble between the two.

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Have you thought about just going out as a group, you, your brother and his friend, for dinner and conversation? No undue pressure on either party, and you could make this a regular, casual, get together thing for a short time. This would be a way for you to get a better sense for his conversation style and interests, without any dating pressures.

 

Thank you RedFox for the answer. I have seen him in the groups in the past with my brother. They usually love playing poker and other games in that group which I am not fond of:) I do not mind though if it's not everyday :)

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I would meet him -why not? I like to discuss those subjects too So does my husband. I will tell you it was a challenge to continue to read/discuss those subjects when we became parents shortly after marriage -I put in a real effort to continue reading and keep up with what was going on in the world. I did but my life became very infant/baby/toddler centered! My point is you want someone who is flexible about what you talk about, about stages of life, etc.

 

Of course you shouldn't settle -how would that be fair to anyone?

 

Hi Batya, thank you for the answer and thanks for sharing your marital experience, very useful indeed. I hadn't even thought of it... that every day life doesn't give you even the energy to discuss those things :)

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He has a BSc in Physics? That's impressive to be honest! I'd follow everyone else's suggestion of just meeting up with him (alone or in a group setting) to get to know him better before making any decisions.

 

Thank you. Yes he has BSc in physics but works in a different field now as he did not find a job.

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Blind dates and fix ups are fraught with issues. Perhaps your family just wanted you to move on or finally find someone.

 

Go out as a group if you want to. But you seem to be searching for disqualifiers already. Decide if that is because you don't want to date or you don't want to date a friend of a family member or if you don't want to date him in particular.

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Blind dates and fix ups are fraught with issues. Perhaps your family just wanted you to move on or finally find someone.

 

Go out as a group if you want to. But you seem to be searching for disqualifiers already. Decide if that is because you don't want to date or you don't want to date a friend of a family member or if you don't want to date him in particular.

 

In my experience - including of other people I know blind dates and set ups are one of the best ways to meet people. I know of so many happy marriages- and for me, happy relationships -that started that way. If the people arranging the match know and care about the people it may not work but it's a great way to try. I set people up regularly. Been doing so for about 37 years, on and off.

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