can't believe I'm back

Hey guys, I used to post here when I was around 17, 18, now I'm back with another break up.

I got over the first ex a year and half after we ended things. She dumped me, never came back, longest she was single was a month after we ended things and hopped from one guy, to my ex friend, to another guy a week after she ended things with my ex friend.

I'm 23 now, now going through another breakup! we dated for 2.5 years(just like my first relationship) broke up on May 2nd, Regretted my decision and asked for her back on June 18th, she rejected me. been NC since June 22nd. A month and half after we broke up... shes dating another one of my now ex friend! I didn't find out from my ex friend I heard from a mutual friend. I was venting to my ex friend while she was in bed with him! I called him up and said if ever see you in person it's done(I probably won't hurt him, I have a career to worry about. If I could, I would though. Just wanted him to fear me.)

I thought I grew up and would understand relationship dynamics better but I guess Not. Throughout the entire relationship we argued and fought with each other. I was always walking on eggshells with her, she was never positive even with a good career, a dog, nice family, own apartment etc. She never really had friends, just like my first ex. We broke up around 3 times with me initiating it each time and this last time it was final and done.

The entire relationship was LDR. It was either me driving 45 minutes to see her at her parents house or me driving 45 minutes to her college. After she graduated I was driving 4 hours to Philly to see her. My biggest problem in the relationship was our sex life. She would never want to have sex or very little sex. I would get angry at her for not wanting to have sex because we were already long distance and when so I would really only see her on the weekends after she moved out of our home state. When we did have sex it always felt forced to me and I didn't want that. I wanted both of us to enjoy it and have fun. The funniest part about all this is that she finally moved back to our state... After we break up. The one thing I wanted! Due to the pandemic though.

She is in a better place than me career wise and financially. Her and my ex friend are both pursuing their masters and it seems like he's not a rebound. I just don't understand how you can move on from a 2.5 year relationship in a month and half. It really hurts me cuz I really did try to put alot of effort in the relationship. But clearly I wasn't happy in the relationship if I ended it. So why am I feeling like this? I should be happy that it's over. I feel like I'll be single for awhile again due to the pandemic and I do like being a relationship. I feel like Im comparing my life to theirs and I'm still pursuing my undergrad at 23 while she graduated at 21 and is now getting her masters. It feels like she won the breakup while I'm still here sad and pining over her. Her birthday is tommorow too but I won't send her a text at all, I know better and she probably doesn't even think about anymore.

I just want to be happy, I've done the standard post breakup ritual, deleted her phone number , unfollowed her on socials, deleted all the pictures and texts, even got my close friends to unfollow her on socials. Cut out any mutual friends we both knew out of my life because I didn't want them to send any information about me to her.

I've started my self improvement journey. Started working out again, picked up boxing as a hobby, got a therapist, trying to not stalk her social media even though I can't cuz instagram is on private and she doesn't use Twitter, only favorites things on that platform, lost 12 pounds in a healthy manner.

So my questions are, is she in a rebound relationship? Could we ever get back together in the future? Why do I get this scary feeling that I'll be single for a long time again. Why do I feel so empty and lonely inside when I have a good support system and friends that care about me. Why am I comparing myself to my ex and her possible rebound.

I thought I'd learn after my first breakup, but I guess not. All the feelings I had from my first breakup are coming out front and center. That's why I got a therapist because clearly I have deeper issues. I'm not sure what to do. So I was hoping you guys had any insight on what's going on with me.

Thanks for reading. Appreciate you all.

Why do you want this person? It sounds like she's unhealthy for you. You need time to work on yourself and raise your self-esteem a little. It's not a good idea for you to be with anyone right now. Please, please also absolutely do not compare yourself to your ex. Don't compare yourself to anyone that you date and if you find you're a little out of your league or feeling insecure, ask why? You don't have to date outside your comfort zone. Find out more about you now and focus on you.

It doesn't matter what age you graduate. Just graduate. Also a degree doesn't mean it'll get you the job or that you'll be happy in your careers or make something out of what you're studying. This is a long and sometimes winding journey. Stick with your own plan. Be happy and content and stay motivated. What's your next step career-wise? Come back to you and deal with what's in your own life.

Being single is not scary. Being with the wrong person is. Being with someone who makes you question your self-worth or your sanity is scary. Being with someone who causes you to question your trust in others is scary. You need to do some work on yourself - the scales are upside down. Keep your chin up.

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like the LDR took it's toll on you. You'll be ok. Date locally when you're ready. This seems to have simply expired.

So all the things you didn't like about her and the relationship are now resolved? And that's why you want her back?

Or...

"I feel like I'll be single for awhile again due to the pandemic and I do like being a relationship. I feel like Im comparing my life to theirs and I'm still pursuing my undergrad at 23 while she graduated at 21 and is now getting her masters. It feels like she won the breakup"

Tell your ego to take a back seat. You don't want her, you want to "win the breakup" and you are also in competition with your friend who she's now dating. And you hate being "alone". None of those things have anything to do with love. You don't love her, you just want her back so you can feel better about yourself.

Continue working on improving your life. I promise if you focus on that you will soon no longer care about petty things like "winning" a breakup.

So all the things you didn't like about her and the relationship are now resolved? And that's why you want her back?

 

Or...

"I feel like I'll be single for awhile again due to the pandemic and I do like being a relationship. I feel like Im comparing my life to theirs and I'm still pursuing my undergrad at 23 while she graduated at 21 and is now getting her masters. It feels like she won the breakup"

 

Tell your ego to take a back seat. You don't want her, you want to "win the breakup" and you are also in competition with your friend who she's now dating. And you hate being "alone". None of those things have anything to do with love. You don't love her, you just want her back so you can feel better about yourself.

 

Continue working on improving your life. I promise if you focus on that you will soon no longer care about petty things like "winning" a breakup.

Honestly, you're right. It's mostly my ego that's hurt. Clearly I didn't love her as much as I thought. I do want to feel better and currently having her back would make me feel better. I wish I wasn't like this, maybe it's because my age and experience with relationships, who knows. It's about me and not about love. This is why I like this fourm so much. You guys don't sugarcoat and that's exactly what I need. I am trying to improve my life and live a life where someone is happy to join in rather be dependent on someone else. But all the improvements I'm doing for myself aren't making me feel good for some reason. I still have that empty feeling inside me. Im defintely going to bring this up in my next therapy session and gain more insight. I do wanna be a better overall person in life and not have to rely on someone else to give me an identity. Its defintely a hard road and with your post I see how ego driven I am.

Why do you want this person? It sounds like she's unhealthy for you. You need time to work on yourself and raise your self-esteem a little. It's not a good idea for you to be with anyone right now. Please, please also absolutely do not compare yourself to your ex. Don't compare yourself to anyone that you date and if you find you're a little out of your league or feeling insecure, ask why? You don't have to date outside your comfort zone. Find out more about you now and focus on you.

 

It doesn't matter what age you graduate. Just graduate. Also a degree doesn't mean it'll get you the job or that you'll be happy in your careers or make something out of what you're studying. This is a long and sometimes winding journey. Stick with your own plan. Be happy and content and stay motivated. What's your next step career-wise? Come back to you and deal with what's in your own life.

 

Being single is not scary. Being with the wrong person is. Being with someone who makes you question your self-worth or your sanity is scary. Being with someone who causes you to question your trust in others is scary. You need to do some work on yourself - the scales are upside down. Keep your chin up.

boltnrun explained it well. Its definitely my ego wanting her back. I was definitely not happy throughout the duration of the relationship and I do suffer from low confidence and self esteem issues before even being with her. She defintely wasn't healthy for me. She would always argue and fight with me over everything big or small. I couldn't be myself around her. I'm just currently looking at all the good times and ignoring the bad because I'm still hurt. I'm defintely not gonna be in anything commited until the feelings and thoughts of my ex vanish from my head.

I recently followed my first ex back on Instagram 6 years later, no feelings whatsoever for her and I thought she was "the one" hahaha so I can get to that level of indifference in due time.

Career wise I want to be a network administrator. I'm currently in an 2 year limit Cooperative work experience with my university and taking part time classes on the side. I figured it would be better to get the experience right now while in school and take a little longer with my degree. I have 36 credits left so I'm almost there. Each class is 3 credits and I'm allowed to take 3 classes max during the fall and spring semester with my internship. My internship expires next June.

You're right about being single isn't scary. I did it for 3 years after my first relationship before I met this current ex. And you're absolutely right about being with someone who questions your self worth because she really did have me questioning it. I tried my hardest with her and tried to work with her. She had her own emotional and mental problems aswell and I hope she addresses them one day. I still have alot to learn, thought Id be so good with relationships after my first major break up. Very wrong about that. I want to come out of this situation as a good human being. I don't like being ego driven. Just right now I feel very lost because part of my identity was attached to her for so long. I don't remember how to he single and be okay on my own. During my down time I'm not sure what to do. Especially during quarantine.

It also doesn't help that alot of the social circles I built are gone because I was in a relationship for so long. My 5 close friends are all I got which I'm thankful for, however, they aren't really social themselves and I can't meet new people through them.

Wanting her back is just wanting a quick band aid fix for the initial pain you are feeling. Perfectly normal, but yeah, you want her back for the wrong reasons. You seem to have a pretty level head regarding all of this, so take that as a huge positive in your ability to move on.

Too many people stay in relationships because they're too scared to be single, alone. So they remain in a less than happy relationship until something else comes along that they can quickly jump into, fixing nothing. Learn to enjoy and truly love being single. The more you can love being comfortable and very happily single, and the independence that comes with that, the better you'll be for someone else in a future relationship. You also won't be concerned or 'burdened' with trying to find a new relationship. Time will naturally sort that out for you, and you'll enjoy every waking moment until such a time. Learn from this as you learned from your first relationship breakup.

From what you are doing thus far with your self improvement journey, you are already doing great. Chin up!

Friends come and go thoughout life too. The real lifelong close friends will naturally stick. It took me many years and many friends to find the really good, trustworthy, loyal, dependable and close friends that I have now, and I wouldn't change that for anything. With the better you that you are currently working toward, the positive vibes that you'll carry around with you will draw new friends and relationships close. You'll get there, just takes time.

boltnrun explained it well. Its definitely my ego wanting her back. I was definitely not happy throughout the duration of the relationship and I do suffer from low confidence and self esteem issues before even being with her. She defintely wasn't healthy for me. She would always argue and fight with me over everything big or small. I couldn't be myself around her. I'm just currently looking at all the good times and ignoring the bad because I'm still hurt. I'm defintely not gonna be in anything commited until the feelings and thoughts of my ex vanish from my head.

 

I recently followed my first ex back on Instagram 6 years later, no feelings whatsoever for her and I thought she was "the one" hahaha so I can get to that level of indifference in due time.

 

Career wise I want to be a network administrator. I'm currently in an 2 year limit Cooperative work experience with my university and taking part time classes on the side. I figured it would be better to get the experience right now while in school and take a little longer with my degree. I have 36 credits left so I'm almost there. Each class is 3 credits and I'm allowed to take 3 classes max during the fall and spring semester with my internship. My internship expires next June.

 

You're right about being single isn't scary. I did it for 3 years after my first relationship before I met this current ex. And you're absolutely right about being with someone who questions your self worth because she really did have me questioning it. I tried my hardest with her and tried to work with her. She had her own emotional and mental problems aswell and I hope she addresses them one day. I still have alot to learn, thought Id be so good with relationships after my first major break up. Very wrong about that. I want to come out of this situation as a good human being. I don't like being ego driven. Just right now I feel very lost because part of my identity was attached to her for so long. I don't remember how to he single and be okay on my own. During my down time I'm not sure what to do. Especially during quarantine.

 

It also doesn't help that alot of the social circles I built are gone because I was in a relationship for so long. My 5 close friends are all I got which I'm thankful for, however, they aren't really social themselves and I can't meet new people through them.

You'll adjust to a new normal and a new routine for yourself. Don't be afraid. Being ego-driven is normal especially if you take pride in what you do, even if it's in how you treat people in relationships. Give it some time for the dust to settle - a few months and be on your own for awhile. Things will start to rearrange themselves. Keep seeking positive outlets. There are always bad habits and bad influences around. Someone close to me returned to some seriously bad choices this year. I couldn't fathom it out of this person and it took my breath away. Every single big or small decision you make for yourself on a day to day basis will affect you overall. It may be what you decide to eat or when you decide to eat breakfast or lunch. That affects your meal later in the day and how you feel before bedtime or how well you sleep. How well you sleep affects you the next day and the next day's cycle. It may be a health routine that you might want to develop for yourself - exercise, eating well, personal goals for yourself outside of school. Fix your body and I think your mind will follow.

It sounds like you have a plan for your studies and career. Keep your eyes peeled and get to know others in the industry and in your field. That's great that you also have an internship with your program. I think you have so much ahead of you. Appreciate this! Appreciate that you DO have. The next few years are going to be tough for everyone. Be thankful that you are busy bettering yourself and stay committed to your studies. At the end of this and when the virus/covid haze clears or when the time comes when you're job hunting, you'll thank yourself and it'll repay itself 1000x. Don't lose sight of that goal.

You can rekindle old friendships and make new ones. Look at local events in your city and see what kinds of meet ups and events there are. It takes time for friendships to pick up again or to make new ones so be patient. People have their own worries and lives too.

This person wasn't good for you. Don't backpeddle and start reimagining a life with her. She's moved on and didn't seem too unhappy to leave you behind either. Have more self-respect than that. You can get through it. I think you need to believe in yourself more.

Thank you guys for all your help with this. It's definitely rough right now for me. Today is also her birthday! But I won't text her, maintaining NC for all of eternity! Can't lie tho, the memories of the last two years of her birthday are definitely coming back and making me feel nostalgic. Hopefully it'll pass soon.

Thank you guys for all your help with this. It's definitely rough right now for me. Today is also her birthday! But I won't text her, maintaining NC for all of eternity! Can't lie tho, the memories of the last two years of her birthday are definitely coming back and making me feel nostalgic. Hopefully it'll pass soon.

Agree. Keep busy. Go out with friends.