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Thread: I NEED TO KNOW, I'm just really stuck: was s sexual assault? Did I deserve this?

  1. #1
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    I NEED TO KNOW, I'm just really stuck: was s sexual assault? Did I deserve this?

    Quarantine has me unearthing a lot of pain that I psychologically suppressed.

    One of those pains is my sexual experience I
    with an ex partner.

    *If I consent to sex and my partner decides to do unconsented sexual aggression like squeezing and pinching, almost like BDSM pain torture stuff, is this sexual assault? (I was in what I thought was a loving relationship and him being aggressive or wanting to hurt me was shocking) is this sexual abuse?

    *If I consented but show a non verbal revoke of consent like pulling away to the point where he was chasing me across the bed to get access to my private parts, is this sexual abuse?

    *If I got into an argument with my partner and he says something like "I should at least be getting sex if I have to deal with you" and I felt like I needed to act or else it would hinder our relationship, is this a form of coercing?

    *If I consented, revoked my consent and felt like I had to go forward with sex to keep the peace, is this abuse?

    *I use to bring my own blanket to his house and fold it in a way where I'm wrapped up because I was scared he would touch my body, is this some kind of coping mechanism?


    *I was a virgin and after our first sexual encounter I was shocked at some of the actions and cried as soon as I got home. I also broke up with him but he eventually guilted me back into the relationship. Was this some kind of Subconscious awareness that what happened to me was wrong? Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    That was a toxic, abusive relationship. I hope you did not end up going back to him again.

    Are you receiving any kind of therapy or professional help to assist you with recovering from this trauma? You seem to still be feeling the effects (which is completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of). I recommend you reach out for help to overcome this awful relationship.

  3. #3
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    Im not easy to be with. I have lots of flaws. In some regard it feels like I owed him that much because I was not the perfect partner and he deserved some compensation.

    I'm aching to talk about it with someone but part of me feels like I'm overreacting and part of me feels disgusted with myself because I'm accusing him of stuff but I was so difficult to love and be with, I feel like I deserved it and it was nature balancing itself

  4. #4
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by rchubn
    Im not easy to be with. I have lots of flaws. In some regard it feels like I owed him that much because I was not the perfect partner and he deserved some compensation.

    I'm aching to talk about it with someone but part of me feels like I'm overreacting and part of me feels disgusted with myself because I'm accusing him of stuff but I was so difficult to love and be with, I feel like I deserved it and it was nature balancing itself
    That is not how "nature" works.

    Please, your mindset is very unhealthy. Please seek help, it can do you a world of good.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Deserved? No one deserves abuse, of any form. If you're feeling like a partner can do whatever he likes, sexually, because you might have been difficult, then you need to see a therapist, asap.

    You've got a very dysfunctional outlook on things regarding sex and relationships.

    Your boyfriend is no better. If he is treating a woman this way, and can tell that she's not enjoying it, but still continues, then that is all kinds of messed up.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    A therapist could help you sort all this out

  8. #7
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    Please seek therapy.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You need therapy. Please get some asap.

    Any one of the scenarios above is a reason to kick this guy to the curb. You deserve so much better.

  10. #9
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    No means no. If you said no at anytime, he should have stopped. This includes visual cues like you pulling away. Any decent man would not force you or guilt you into doing something you were not comfortable with doing.

    Sex should not be an expectation of someone. Sex should be a mutual expression of love between two consenting and willing partners. He should not have said you were difficult to deal with and even if you were, that is not a reason for you to give him sex. Your body is your body, it is your choice to share it with someone or not. Real relationships do not require compensation from one person to the other. Relationships are about working together, about both parties feeling comfortable and happy together.

    Yes, he was physically and emotionally abusive towards you. This was a form of sexual assault. I am so sorry you endured this and that it had to be your first time. No person deserves to be treated that. Please, talk to someone about it. It's not healthy to blame yourself or keep this in. If you don't deal with this, you will make it hard on yourself to love or trust again and won't see how great the experience can be with someone who actually cares for you and respects you. Worst, you may end up in the same situation with someone else, with even worst results. What you went through is not right.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Any decent man would not force you or guilt you into doing something you were not comfortable with doing.
    She implied that it wasn't always forced, that she gave in to him in order to please him. This is why we are asking her to get help. The boyfriend was wrong for taking advantage, most definitely, but she kept allowing it,..... that needs to be addressed.

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