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Breakup with ADHD boyfriend--low self esteem and resentment


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I (33F) broke up with my ADHD boyfriend (35M) a couple months ago, and am having trouble dealing with the resentment, bitterness, and guilt post-breakup.

 

We dated for total of 6 months but have been living together (during COVID) for 4-5 months which caused many of our problems. I would describe our relationship as "death by a thousand cuts." Each issue forgivable but everything together led to a lot of negative feelings.

 

Some of our issues

- I felt very uncared for in our relationship. He informed me early on that he never dated a girl that he had to pursue which I thought was odd. Since the beginning, he gave me a few warnings about all the things he would not do for a girl, including not buying expensive gifts or celebrating birthdays. He subsequently completely ignored mine. Luckily I don’t really care about bdays although I think it's nice to at least celebrate the first birthdays of a relationship together. I often felt ignored by him on a day to day basis. In his defense he does work a very busy job. I am very independent though, but I do need some small daily gestures of affection and assurance. I’m still not sure what his love language is. He rarely complimented me (actually would tease negatively on my looks). Even though he had been living at my place for 5 months, he did not even offer to help me move out until I asked. Even then, he did not seem interested in helping the whole time. He would rush to finish the tasks I assigned him and then run to the couch to read reddit while I continued to pack myself. I just stopped asking him to help me. At night, he would come to bed and then roll away from me without a single touch. He told me he could only give physical affection on Saturdays because he was too busy with his job on Sundays-Fridays. I told him I did not feel cared for but he did not seem concerned or curious on how to meet my needs a little better. Everytime we had a fight, I would have to be the one to go to him to fix things. He never initiated or was proactive in any way in our relationship. Many times when I had an issue that I wanted to discuss with him, he would put me on "hold", but would not follow up for the next two weeks+. It was frustrating and I felt so starved of affection with so much pent up internal conflict and resentment.

 

- I think he was still hung up on his ex. He mentioned her on our first date and I learned a bit too much about their sex life early on. He kept her pet name for him as his desktop screen name which he did not change even though I mentioned that it kind of bothered me. He also kept a small collection of memorable items from their time together in his closet. He spoke about her often and even compared me to her during conflicts. I even once accidentally saw a text message that he sent where he said he never felt completely sure about me the way he had felt sure about her. I did not think much of this until after we broke up, but I do think now these were all red flags that should have prompted me to leave.

 

- He left the stove on maybe 15-20 times. He scorched two of my pans, set the fire alarm off twice (once while he was in the shower and police came), and accidentally heated up large glass spice container which turned red hot and blew up and shattered. I tried to patiently figure out ways to fix these issues (cellphone alarms, stickers to place on the stove knobs). I already have baseline anxiety, and this issue was too much for me to handle. I felt that I would constantly have to follow up on every task and keep a close eye on him if he was dealing with any appliances. He was also a terrible driver and scratched up one of my tires because he tends to drive to far to the right. We also had to have a discussion about him remembering to lock my car door on the streets of NYC. In the end, I didn't let him drive my car anymore and told him he could only use the stove when I was home.

 

- He would cook and leave the kitchen an absolute disaster (sauce on the walls and stove, vegetable scraps and wrappers all over the counter even though the garbage can was 1 foot away) and not even think to clean anything up before going to the couch to eat. I get it could be ADHD but I felt it was just inconsiderate. He left his clothes all over the floor as well. While he lived with me, I was starting to hate who I was becoming-- a nagging mom rather than his partner. I heard that this is called the ADHD effect. I feel guilty that I couldn't find a way to be more patient. I tried very hard in the beginning to be understanding and accommodate him but the repeated mistakes caused my patience to wear thin and in the end I do think I criticized him pretty harshly.

 

- I feel that he took my generosity for granted. When he lived with me, I shared all my food and toiletries (not that he even asked permission sometimes) Ie: expensive acne mediations, expensive skin treatments, sunscreen, etc. Everything that was mine I happily shared with him if he asked. He is very stingy and owns very little possessions in his name. He has little he can share with others. For his whole adult life he has always had roommates who will provide him furniture and house good. He has a 200k salary however and is not poor. He is also vegan and I am not, but while he lived with me, I became vegan and cooked all vegan meals for him. I started to feel a little uneasy that he was living with me for a month, using all my things, and never thought to even offer to contribute to any of the costs (he makes over 2x what I make). Eventually I awkwardly brought it up and it was decided we would sit down and divide the utilities, food, etc. What really turned me off is that he had bought $127 dollars of beer (80 bottles) for himself of which I drank only 3 bottles. He was stingy enough to calculate the cost of those three bottles and add them to the amount that I owed him. I was really put off. He never even offered to pay for any of our initial dates. I felt I had generously shared so many of my things with him and I never once thought to calculate the cost of the number of sheets of toilet paper he used or how many fluid oz of lotion he owed me. I just do not think that way. It left a very bad taste in my mouth. Most of the men I date, my family, and my friends are very generous.

 

 

There are more issues but these are the main ones. In his defense, I have my own issues, stubbornness, can get emotional, impatient, anxious, sensitive. I do think he is a good person. He is good at dealing with conflict calmly, he listens when I can get his attention. I think he does want to be better. He really did try to work on his issues in the beginning but it was hard for him because of his ADHD. I think he probably had underlying feelings of inadequacy and I feel guilty for all the times I lost my cool. At one point I got so frustrated I told him I could only continue dating him if he went to see a therapist and started medication. He agreed but never followed through. I honestly think all his mental energy went into his job and trying to be cleaner around the apartment that he did not have the capacity to actually deal with our intimacy issues. Perhaps he just didn’t care. I feel bad but I need to be with someone who can be an equal partner and team player. I do not think that his emotional and financial stinginess is related to his ADHD however and may be associated to the fact that he was an only child.

 

I know I made the right choice breaking up with him. I tried to accommodate him and meet my own needs for as long as I could. I think he was leaning towards continuing dating but if I stayed with him longer we would only continue to hurt each other. I recently told him we could not be friends and now he has blocked me. I don't think we will ever speak again. I think this relationship hurt my self esteem a bit. It didn’t seem that he cared much when I broke up with him and I sometimes wonder if he was using me as a temporary COVID past time to cure his loneliness. I think he never felt that I was as good as his ex who he still loved. I feel hurt that I gave so much yet feel he never appreciated me. Is this because of his ADHD or did he just not care? Finally, I feel resentful that I was so willing to invest so much and he always made sure to invest what felt like the minimum. I often felt like I was in a one-sided relationship. I think I am willing to give a lot early on to help the relationship grow. Is this unhealthy? I also give people too many chances to change (he kept saying he would but he never did). Am I too giving and invest to much early on? I don't want to write people off too quickly but how do you know when it’s the right time to leave to prevent post-breakup bitterness?

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Sorry about all this.

 

I know you're asking a lot of hard questions right now, feeling yanked down lots of emotional trenches. Hugs. But I think there might be a simpler story here, one that doesn't require beating yourself up.

 

That story? You moved in with someone you hardly knew during a global pandemic. Totally understandable. Weird time, to put it mildly, during which we've all been improvising. In your case? It was an experience that let you know that you and him do not work out, and in learning that you acted accordingly. A sad story, but ultimately a healthy one.

 

Can only imagine that the investment feels very high, so the loss feels very low, since your earliest days of dating were spent going through the motions of the deeper stages of a relationship. Still, you can't trick or beat time, which is the thing that tells us how we work alongside another person.

 

I'm assuming that, in non-COVID times, you probably wouldn't move in with someone you'd been with for a month. You'd have dated more, maybe gotten the vibe that he was still hung up on an ex, that he wasn't considerate in the way you needed, and you'd have exited with lighter bruises than this. Which, hey, is what you did here, albeit in a way where the load feels a bit heavier. In other words, I see a short chapter to mourn a bit, but want to encourage you not to go too deep into the weeds of resentment, of self-blame, of him-blame, and so on.

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How long had you been dating before moving in together?

 

Did the neglectful behavior start before the move in?

 

I don't understand why you would get involved with a guy who was clearly not over his ex. Talking about her should have been a big, red flag.

 

Why would you pay for and do so many things for this jerk? You knew who he was from the beginning and walked in with your eyes wide open. I am thinking that you thought you could change him?

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Oh dear me.

 

Where in heaven’s name did you find this guy? Still attached to his mom’s bosom? How old is he?

 

No, this is not all because of ADHD (are you sure that’s an official diagnosis, or is that just what he told you to get you to excuse his crappy behaviour?) This man just plain didn’t care. You made an excellent choice getting rid of him.

 

In the future, when you see red flags, run away from them. Don’t run toward them and try to turn them green. It doesn’t work and your emotional well-being is the price.

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I mean.....he told you to your face "Hi I'm Bob and I'm going to treat you like dirt. In fact, let me list all the ways I'll behave like a callous arse toward you, in case you are not clear what being treated like dirt means. So you are good with that?" The problem and what you need to sit yourself down with and think about long and hard is what possessed you to say yes to all of that.

 

You barely knew this guy and yet you were willing to instantly minimize your needs and even expectations of basic human decency all so that you could date him. Whyyyyyy????? Don't say "love" because at the time you didn't even know him that well and still don't to be honest.

 

Not even getting into the whole letting a total stranger you barely knew 30 days into your home. Covid or not, that's another issue you need to address - complete lack of boundaries on your part.

 

You did the right thing to get rid of him, but the more important focus needs to be on answering the questions above and resolving whatever drives you to act like that so you don't keep doing it.

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We had dated for 2 months before. I agree it was a rash decision but we had discussed it and it seemed that we either had to move in together or break up in the setting of COVID. We lived too far from each other to be able to still stay at our own places. Things actually went okay for the first 1-2 months. He works a top law firm in NYC and worked a lot during the day which worked with my schedule. Honestly, I wonder how he is able to maintain his job sometimes because of the forgetfulness etc. Its a hard situation to describe. He is actually a kind person, emotionally stable, never escalates issues, not vindictive, does want to be a good person. When I had his attention and discussed issues he would take them seriously and try to see my perspective and if he agree would honestly try to fix issues. I think toward the end of the relationship he just didn't want to do it anymore. He just has these moments of inconsideration and selfishness that are hard to swallow.

 

I confronted him about his ex and we discussed it but he denied that he was still attached to her. They had broke up for a year at that point. I decided to trust him. For me, the stove issue was a bigger issue for me during the relationship so I didn't really think about the stuff with his ex until after the breakup.

 

I didn't mention this in the post above but I did try to end things a few times in our relationship. He always would care a lot in those moments when things were about to end and he would be kind and attentive but it wouldn't last longer than a week. So I gave a few chances. I agree I should have ended things sooner. There were some issues with my move that made it hard to get out of the relationship at that time (ie: I had to live at his apartment for two weeks).

 

I'm always hesitant to post on these forums because some people are so quick to judge and tell others they need therapy. They are not in the situation and do not understand the nuances of any relationship or the two people involved. Many relationships start out healthy and seem okay at first but then turn sour very quickly. At the end you don't know how you got there. I honestly think if I had not lived with this guy I may still be dating him because a lot of his issues were most apparent in a shared home environment. I see this all the time on this forum people telling the other people on here they have problems. Maybe they do but the way it is insulting instead of supportive. Anyways I have left the relationship. I think the first post was the most helpful post. So thank you. It crazy time because of COVID and I know I will get over this quickly. It helps to get some perspective just writing things out. Thank you everyone.

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Please do not date for a long while and address your co dependence.

 

This guy treated you like garbage for a long time, but you were a willing participant.

 

Have most of your relationship been this way? Are you expectations always so low? He was an awful choice.

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"He is actually a kind person, emotionally stable, never escalates issues, not vindictive. He just has these moments of inconsideration and selfishness though that are hard to swallow." Oh sister, you need to wake up! This was a horrible relationship. And you should never move in with someone in less than a year. Covid or no Covid.

 

I strongly suggest some counseling, as you need to address your boundaries and self worth.

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. He told me he could only give physical affection on Saturdays because he was too busy with his job on Sundays-Fridays

 

This made me lol! Did he have a set time on Saturday to squeeze the physical affection in?

 

He just sounds like a total loser & you dodged a bullet by breaking up with him!

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We had dated for 2 months before. I agree it was a rash decision but we had discussed it and it seemed that we either had to move in together or break up in the setting of COVID. We lived too far from each other to be able to still stay at our own places. Things actually went okay for the first 1-2 months. He works a top law firm in NYC and worked a lot during the day which worked with my schedule. Honestly, I wonder how he is able to maintain his job sometimes because of the forgetfulness etc. Its a hard situation to describe. He is actually a kind person, emotionally stable, never escalates issues, not vindictive, does want to be a good person. When I had his attention and discussed issues he would take them seriously and try to see my perspective and if he agree would honestly try to fix issues. I think toward the end of the relationship he just didn't want to do it anymore. He just has these moments of inconsideration and selfishness though that are hard to swallow.

I confronted him about his ex and we discussed it but he denied that he was still attached to her. They had broke up for a year at that point. I decided to trust him. For me, the stove issue was a bigger issue for me during the relationship so I didn't really think about the stuff with his ex until after the breakup.

 

I didn't mention this in the post above but I did try to end things a few times in our relationship. He always would care a lot in those moments when things were about to end and he would be kind and attentive but it wouldn't last longer than a week. So I gave a few chances. I agree I should have ended things sooner. There were some issues with my move that made it hard to get out of the relationship at that time.

 

You know I'm always hesitant to post on these forums because some people are so quick to judge and tell others they need therapy. They are not in the situation and do not understand the nuances of any relationship. Many relationships start out healthy but then turn sour. At the end you don't know how you got there. It really is not helpful or kind to immediately judge and insult people. Honestly that kind of reaction is not supportive and does not seem to the purpose of these forums.

 

You are right in that when you are neck deep in a situation, it's impossible for you to see clearly or judge accurately. At the same time, it's easy for strangers to read your story and point out what you probably don't want to hear but what is very obvious to a person who is not neck deep in that situation.

 

Re what's in bold above - those moments are the moments you should learn to pay attention to instead of trying to excuse and white wash them away. Of course nobody is 100% bad 100% of the time or 100% good either. Even serial killers have their good sides. When choosing a partner, you should get to a point where you take basic human decency for granted and expect it and your focus should be on what the downsides of that person may be and whether that's something that's acceptable to you. This circles back to why are you so quick to accept what shouldn't and wouldn't be acceptable to most reasonable people. This has nothing to do with his ex or anything else. He told you who he is, you said OK to that when the right answer should have been NOOOOO.

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Awful. Take your time getting to know someone a bit better. You made some comparisons to his successes at work versus his dilapidated and paltry attempts at housekeeping or general mindfulness. One doesn't necessarily mean the other. Besides, you know lawyers have paralegals and LAs, right?

 

Take all this with a grain of salt (all that sadness and temporary loneliness) and keep moving forwards. There is only up from here. Keep in touch with your friends.

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As a person with diagnosed ADHD types 1 and 2 and someone who assists clients with disabilities for a living, I honestly find this post offensive. Throughout the post, there is placing a diagnosis and disability label on the ex. I’m sorry, but are you a professional therapist? Be careful not to diagnosis a person with a disability they probably do not have.

 

Also, he is an individual with ADHD, not “an ADHD boyfriend.” Think of how that is labeling and leaving a negative stigma. People with ADHD have suffered multiple hardships and are affected by its stigma. Not cool.

 

Most of the “traits” described here are not traits of an atypical ADHD behavior patterns. He’s an a**. and it has nothing to do with the disability. My husband does not have ADHD and is a lousy cook that I do it all. I have yet to destroy kitchenware or burn down my house.

 

If he has not seen a therapist, then it sounds like he self-diagnosed himself rather than getting a proper medical diagnosis. He shouldn’t even be going around claiming he has a disability.

 

Also, you only knew this dude for sixth months and moved him in? Way too soon. Get to know someone first and see how much they take advantage of you before deciding to have one live with you.

 

I think this relationship hurt my self esteem a bit.

Don’t. You and this guy were not compatible to begin with. Now many people act as selfish and self-entitled like him. Head held high.

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Even though he had been living at my place for 5 months, he did not even offer to help me move out until I asked. Even then, he did not seem interested in helping the whole time.

^

I may be misreading this, but do you mean that you moved out while he remained in your apartment? Either way, rather than chasing this guy around while not knowing what disaster he'll create next, it would be easier raising a child on your own.

 

Raise the bar, and take the lesson with you.

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It sounds like a combination of ADHD and lack of emotional intelligence. Google "emotional intelligence."

 

Even though our stories differ, in the past, I too gave myself to others far more than what they gave to me. I'd knock myself out for others and then when I needed help, no one helped me as much as I helped them during their time of need. I've since changed my ways. Nowadays, I focus on myself and no longer generous with my time, labor and resources. Nowadays, I only treat people the way they treat me. If they treat me well up to a point, I do the same and treat them well up to a point and no more. I no longer over do it with being too nice. It works, I have more time for myself and everyone is satisfied.

 

If you give too much early on, you'll burn out faster. Only give as much as the other person is willing to give; not more, not less. It should be equal, not unbalanced.

 

It's unhealthy to give so much of yourself only to become sorely disappointed later. Don't be so giving and lower your expectations. This way, you won't be surprised nor shocked.

 

Never give people multiple chances to change because they won't change for you. They are who they are; take it or leave it. Either accept people warts and all or exit and dissolve the relationship due to incompatibility.

 

I write people off quickly because I don't want to waste my time, energy and resources on a person who is the complete opposite of me.

 

The right time to leave is when the relationship will not flourish, when similar values are not in agreement and being with a person is consistently unpleasant. It's ok to write people off quickly because this way, you can move on faster.

 

Post-break up bitterness is commonplace whether with relationships or friendships. My resentment and bitterness lasted a long time and eventually I overcame those negative feelings. How? By realizing that estrangement creates peace, I feel safe, secure and most of all accepted that two different personalities and characters will not mesh despite initial best intentions. You'll become wiser from painful pasts.

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Haven't read all the comments sorry...I haven't really dated anyone with ADHD but two of my really close friends have ADHD. To me it seems that some things can be attributed to ADHD but some things actually are the person's personality and the fact that they're not willing to get treatments or start working on the issues they have. My best male friend has ADHD and he seems inattentive like he's never listening and keeps looking around a lot while we're out together and having conversations. I don't mind that as much as the fact that he's always at least one hour late when we meet up. I tried talking to him about it and he even got fired from a job for lateness. But when I talked to him about his lateness, he doesn't actually seem to feel bad about it or think that anything is wrong. He never apologises for it or ever admitted it's bad. He also came off all his medications and stopped therapy. He is a really nice guy overall and good friend. So yeah maybe the lateness is part of ADHD but he also doesn't understand it's bad and he's not willing to do anything about it.

 

I have a close female friend with ADHD who literally kept doing the same things your ex-boyfriend did. She would forget to turn the stove off, lock the door, lose her wallet, keys, phone. She also got fired from every job she had. She only got diagnosed with a rare form of inattentive ADHD in her early 30's. She started taking dexamthetamine medication, doing therapy and got a support worker. The forgetfulness has improved and she has now lived alone for over three years and has a job for nearly three years.

 

I think the point is someone with ADHD or any kind of mental or physical condition actually has to follow all the treatments and put things in place to help them. If your boyfriend wasn't willing to even speak to any medical professional about these issues then how can he ever improve? Additionally not everything a person with ADHD does is actually due to the ADHD. They still have their own personality, beliefs and values. For example, my male best friend with ADHD is very affectionate. He is gay so our friendship is purely platonic but he always hugs me a lot and puts his arm around me. And he's very generous and buys me nice presents for my Birthday and Christmas. So ADHD doesn't make someone not affectionate and stingy.

 

I think the bottom line is it doesn't matter why a person acts the way they do. In the end if they keep acting badly and keep hurting you (even if not intentionally), that makes the relationship doomed. You can't be with someone long term if they make you unhappy. And if you don't see them willing to change/they can't change. They're not going to become someone else so if there are deal breakers, they will always be there. So from that perspective I think you made the right decision to break up.

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In my book, when I end a relationship, I've fixed the problem. You get to decide how deep of hole you want to drill yourself into, and at what point you'll decide to climb out of it, instead. It's your own stomach lining, and what's the payoff to feeling victimized by your own choices to stay involved with someone who wasn't who you wanted him to be?

 

You're in good company. We all take the long road and the hard way to learn things sometimes. The good news is that we're each in charge of deciding whether our lessons will strengthen us and help us to use better judgment in the future, or whether we will injure ourselves over them for no good reason.

 

Head high, and choose wisely.

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Stingy and unaffectionate are not signs of a disability, they are personality traits. My husband who I’ve been with for 32 years has ADHD and yes he can be very forgetful a lot at the time but he’s not stingy or an affectionate. But imagine having a circus going on in your head 24 hours a day that you can’t stop. You would forget things too.

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As a person with diagnosed ADHD types 1 and 2 and someone who assists clients with disabilities for a living, I honestly find this post offensive.

 

Ugh. Same. Well, at the very least I find it tiresome when people attribute random asinine characteristics to someone having ADHD. Such a frustrating stigma... It's crazy what people attach to it.

 

Just this past year, my coworker refused to believe that I have ADHD, apparently because I'm a functional adult who doesn't hang from the rafters and have uncontrollable outbursts when I get frustrated. You should have heard her go on, "No you don't have ADHD. I refuse to believe it! I refuse!" I actually started to get annoyed with her.

 

I was diagnosed back in 1984 and never thought twice about it. I feel bad for the poor schmucks who get diagnosed with it these days. It's the biggest catch-all.

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Ugh. Same. Well, at the very least I find it tiresome when people attribute random asinine characteristics to someone having ADHD. Such a frustrating stigma... It's crazy what people attach to it.

 

Just this past year, my coworker refused to believe that I have ADHD, apparently because I'm a functional adult who doesn't hang from the rafters and have uncontrollable outbursts when I get frustrated. You should have heard her go on, "No you don't have ADHD. I refuse to believe it! I refuse!" I actually started to get annoyed with her.

 

I was diagnosed back in 1984 and never thought twice about it. I feel bad for the poor schmucks who get diagnosed with it these days. It's the biggest catch-all.

My husband was dx as an adult.

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