Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 20

Thread: He asked me to marry him out of convenience?

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Sep 2009
    Posts
    86

    He asked me to marry him out of convenience?

    My long term bf has asked me when will we get married. It was not a proposal, just a question that could have been a joke too.
    I really wanted to marry him years ago but he refused me many times. He said he never wants to marry me. I accepted it will not happen. We don't even live together to start with.

    Now he is having financial issues and he basically has no place to live in soon. I guess he plans to move in with me and marry me maybe. But I'm not comfortable with timing and his motives.

    I guess he loves me but due to past rejections I really changed my mind about marriage. I like living by myself and I don't want to be married. But if I refuse him, I wonder how he's going to take it.

    I really don't know should I just go for it because we're together for so long and we don't plan to breakup at all. But at the same time I really don't want to. I used to view marriage as something romantic and he ruined it for me years ago. Now I just see it as a legal contract and I think his reasons for it are practical. It's not something I want. But I guess I have to do it to help him out otherwise he'll think I don't love him.

    Please help.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Location
    N/A
    Posts
    2,983
    Originally Posted by foolsinlove
    My long term bf has asked me when will we get married. It was not a proposal, just a question that could have been a joke too.
    I really wanted to marry him years ago but he refused me many times. He said he never wants to marry me. I accepted it will not happen. We don't even live together to start with.

    Now he is having financial issues and he basically has no place to live in soon. I guess he plans to move in with me and marry me maybe. But I'm not comfortable with timing and his motives.

    I guess he loves me but due to past rejections I really changed my mind about marriage. I like living by myself and I don't want to be married. But if I refuse him, I wonder how he's going to take it.

    I really don't know should I just go for it because we're together for so long and we don't plan to breakup at all. But at the same time I really don't want to. I used to view marriage as something romantic and he ruined it for me years ago. Now I just see it as a legal contract and I think his reasons for it are practical. It's not something I want. But I guess I have to do it to help him out otherwise he'll think I don't love him.

    Please help.
    ok first off, do not marry someone you if don't want to be married. that goes for everybody!

    Specifically to you, OP, why was it acceptable for him to not want to marry you for love. But its not acceptable for you to not want to marry him because now he needs financial support?

    you know what a sugar momma is? how about a gold digger?

    You have been together a long time and be had no interest in marriage. hurt you, rejected you, you accepted and now you'd be the one that doesn't love him for not bailin him out?

    you are all turned around. Marriage is a vow for richer, poorer, sickness, health.... just dating a long time is not.

    This guy is a real piece of work and what are you thinking?? serious question.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    40,398
    Gender
    Male
    Do not let him move in. He seems a bit self serving and parasitic.

    Let him move back home and get more work.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    52,200
    I would suggest proposing to yourself. Propose to yourself that you promise to be committed to evaluating your self-worth and if needed enlisting resources like books (Martha Beck is who I recommend), a therapist/counselor, etc. What do you do for exercise? How are your health habits -eating, hydrating, etc?

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    Surrey BC, Canada
    Posts
    2,252
    Gender
    Female
    This is easy....before you get married go see a lawyer about a prenup. You can work out the details, for example: that he can't have access to your money or your assets, nor will you be responsible for his debts. If he leaves the marriage, he leaves what he came with and you are not responsible to keep supporting him.

    Or tell him you won't marry him until he gets financially stable, job, savings etc.

    If you suspect he is doing it to use you, not so sure why you would even want to be with someone that doesn't treat you like a partner. You better have a long hard think about this without your emotions involved. If you had a close friend that was in your situation, what advice would you give them?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    Ontario Canada
    Posts
    6,751
    Gender
    Female
    Tell him to hit the road.

  8. #7
    Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Long Island, New York
    Age
    44
    Posts
    241
    Gender
    Female
    I agree with above, have him hit the road. You donít need him and his weak marriage proposal. You deserve better and you need to lose him to get it

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Posts
    4,324
    You may be overthinking things right now if it was a joke in poor taste. Hold your horses and don't respond to it or worry yourself. Get through 2020 for the time being and encourage him to get back on his feet. You seem to care about him a lot so leaving him when he's down won't be easy for you. It's obvious to others that he doesn't have your best interests and you seem to have a nagging feeling about it also.

    The trick is not to hurt yourself in the process either or jump to any conclusions. When the timing is right and both of you ought to talk about things more seriously, I'm sure you'll do the right thing for yourself. Hope you both feel better soon.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Posts
    7,163
    He seems a bit self serving and parasitic.
    Yes. He is using you and is treating you as a last option. Don't allow anyone to treat you that way. Marriage or him moving in, shouldn't even be considerations.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    11,235
    Gender
    Female
    So in a nutshell, you are dating a self centered user and a loser. While it was convenient for him to be "single" as in reject your desire to get married, he was all for that. Now that it would be convenient to be married so you can pay his bills and bail him out, he suddenly wants to change his tune.

    You know what? He laid his bed, so let him sleep in it. The marriage/living together boat has sailed and he wasn't on board. NO way should you be letting him on board now. If you do, I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll be back here seeking advice on how to get rid of him soon enough. Just don't. Assert the same boundaries HE already established. What's good for the goose is good for the gander, yes?

    On a side note, maybe think long and hard about why you are settling for this, setting aside your needs, your values, your life goals and desires just to hang on to ....well...what exactly? A selfish jerk? Is this really acceptable to you?

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Videos


Maintaining A Strong Relationship

Detaching From a Malignant Man

Divorced Parents Prefer Technology and Social Media As Communication Tool

Wedding Jitters Could Be a Predictor for a Future Divorce

Botox Fights Depression And Makes You Feel Happier

Men Are More Sensitive than Women when Having Relationship Problems
Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •