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Thread: My Husband Purchased a Sex Doll - Thoughts?

  1. #41
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    He's doting, and nice when people are looking, it hides his ugliness. That is what psychopaths do. They are cons, manipulators. He wasn't honest about the doll at all...he did it behind your back, saved for it, purchased it before even talking to you about it. Therapy hasn't done anything for him....he just dodged around it. He is still the same, and he doesn't care. It's all about him. He just says what everyone wants to hear. That's what cheating liars do. He made it look like things were doing well in therapy...it all part of the act. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by AJ4
    I'm going to ask him about it further today, try to get to the root of the reasoning. We've actually been having sex more (?) so IDK what to think, but I can't sit around wondering forever, and I am hoping that he will open up to me. He has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I'm not convinced this is along the same lines. IF he doesn't open up about the real reasoning and searches for excuses and lies, then that is going to be a motivator for me to make a plan. I think he at least owes me the truth after everything we've been through and all of the times I've stretched myself to make things work. He is very reactive to changes and we did move to a new house in March, so I'm wondering if that may be a factor. He's gained A LOT of weight this year as well...to the point that my family was concerned about him during their last visit. Maybe it is like a few of you said, and no matter what, he will never be fulfilled by this marriage and just stays in out of convenience.


    I don't want to alarm you, but it is quite common for people having affairs to have more sex with their spouse to avoid suspicion or just to use a coping mechanism for something wrong. IMVHO, he is still being emotionally abusive to you. Here's the thing, AJ- you won't really know if he's telling the truth or not. It will all come down to if you believe him or not. Buying a house is a sense of permanence for a couple. Most are happy about it. From everything you're saying, he sounds depressed. Reacting to house, gaining weight like crazy, trying to fill voids with sex- both you and the doll. Sounds like he's severely unhappy and trying out every avoidance tactic that he can think of. IMVHO, I don't believe he's really worked out any of his issues.

    IMO, Best case scenario- He really does love and care about you as a person, but just doesn't want this life with you and doesn't know how to tell you/proceed. So, he's in severe denial or trying what he thinks he can to force himself into it. And this is all making him severely depressed that he can't force himself to want this.

    Worst case scenario- He wants out and is just biding his time. Which could still be making him depressed.

    Just out of curiosity, do you think there is any potential that he might be gay? Have you seen the doll? Do you know if it's "male" or "female"? Maybe I'm far off, I'm just very curious why he is hiding it since he already told you about it. It could be a safe way for him to "experiment"- Just a thought. It could also explain a lot about his deep unhappiness.

    Problem is, none of those is great. Cause the one scenario/possibility that I DON'T see is- he is happy with you and in this lifestyle with you, whatever the case or explanation. I think you already know this, too. The question is- are you willing to settle for this for the rest of your life?

  3. #43
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by AJ4
    I'm going to ask him about it further today, try to get to the root of the reasoning. We've actually been having sex more (?) so IDK what to think, but I can't sit around wondering forever, and I am hoping that he will open up to me. He has been emotionally abusive in the past, but I'm not convinced this is along the same lines. IF he doesn't open up about the real reasoning and searches for excuses and lies, then that is going to be a motivator for me to make a plan. I think he at least owes me the truth after everything we've been through and all of the times I've stretched myself to make things work. He is very reactive to changes and we did move to a new house in March, so I'm wondering if that may be a factor. He's gained A LOT of weight this year as well...to the point that my family was concerned about him during their last visit. Maybe it is like a few of you said, and no matter what, he will never be fulfilled by this marriage and just stays in out of convenience.
    Its such a bummer that you are continuing to bear the brunt of your husband's lack of participation in the marriage. Jekyll and hyde, depression, cheating, and such little effort, as to make you value any effort as "grateful and appreciative".

    And here you go again with the definition of insanity, doing same things, expecting different results. Like today is the day he surprises you. yeah right.

    I really hope you reach a point where you take all this effort for him and turn it inward. if your self esteem and confidence was higher, you would see this guy is a loser.

    you are not to blame. years ago my ex was also a jekyll and hyde.... sent me flowers to work, was always available for family get together, good time guy.... but in private? drunk, angry, miserable, selfish, sometimes down right emotionally abusive.

    Over the years this change happened... little by little, I was getting beat down. And every time I forgave, I loved him less. Until it was gone. It was hard to end things but so happy I did.

    Honestly, one day I thought... this is not what I want my life to be.

    I look back on stuff and think WHAT WAS I THINKING!

    You need to ask yourself.... What are you thinking? how much more are you going to swallow?

    Sadly, you're tolerance level is so high. Are you even in there?

  4. #44
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You are willing to do anything, put up with anything, just to keep him.

    What efforts is he making to keep you?

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  6. #45
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    Originally Posted by dias
    "dad is doing cardio to improve his health and stamina"
    lol!...............

  7. #46
    Gold Member Spawn's Avatar
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    ehh ouch this is weird and disrespectful.
    He needs to go back to therapy may be a different therapist or may be a psychiatrist
    He thinks having sex with a doll is way better than doing it with you.
    Whatever reasons he is giving you is only making him feel good and right about all this.Something is definitely wrong with him.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Why talk at him yet again looking for 'sense' or 'truth'? As a typical abuser does, he blamed it on you.

    Honestly. Talk to your doctor privately and confidentially. Then go to a licensed qualified psychologist (not a faith-based marriage counselor who tells you all this abuse is ok) just for yourself privately and confidentially.

    Do not tell him and do not discuss it with him. What you need is a sane and professional view on this. You are drowning in a sea of gaslighting and cognitive dissonance.
    Originally Posted by AJ4
    I really tried to talk to him and get down to why he wanted it to begin with, and he claims that it's for when we go long stretches without sex because of work
    Last edited by Wiseman2; 08-27-2020 at 12:41 PM.

  9. #48
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    I reached out to a crisis center for abuse, obviously they were alarmed by all of the red flags. They have a group meeting next week and they want me to do an intake and go to the meeting, so I'm going to start there. I will be able to play it off as a work meeting. Today he snapped over the most ridiculous thing...went to the store to get a few things, he asked for mayo, I got the "wrong one" and then his response (in front of the kids) was "don't buy me things I don't ask for" and he threw the mayo I got in the trash. Totally extreme. Whatever he's going through I can't do this anymore, especially with the kids getting older. Just know I read all of these responses and I truly appreciate constructive feedback. I know I've enabled him for a LONG time, mostly because he is in a position to take the kids from me (financially better off/could get a better lawyer). I hope that the screen shots I have of his comments across the years will be enough, I also hope he doesn't take retaliation on my kids, it really worries me. He has never escalated to physical abuse but I am concerned he could if he feels threatened enough. I don't think he has any inkling that I would actually consider leaving him.

    I am going to be wiping my browser history after this but will try to come back to read any other comments. Thank you.

  10. #49
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Excellent. Keep all your activities thoughts and feelings private.
    Originally Posted by AJ4
    I reached out to a crisis center for abuse, obviously they were alarmed by all of the red flags. They have a group meeting next week and they want me to do an intake and go to the meeting, so I'm going to start there.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Please check out the blog chumplady.com - yes it's for those who've been cheated on and really know it and I know you don't believe he did, but what you might benefit from and find eye opening are all the comments from posters about the covert abuse they've suffered for years and years, sweeping it all under the rug because they really had no idea what they are dealing with. You'll probably find a lot of eye opening descriptions of behaviors that match up to your situation at large. Also, please google covert, as well as, malignant narcissism.

    Most people are not familiar with that and what that looks like, as most information about narcissism talks a lot about the obvious - blustering, grandiose, loud and in your face, etc. Takes some digging to find out more about other varieties of the same disorder and the more insidious and more dangerous manifestations of such which is what I'm afraid you are living with.

    Regarding lawyers, please don't cut yourself short. Little known fact is that lawyers can make the spouse who is better off financially pay for ALL legal fees - his and yours. Aggressive, top notch lawyers know this well and will advise you accordingly. They can even get temp spousal support out of him as you separate and go through the divorce. If you do decide to divorce, please please interview the absolute best, most aggressive, most feared pitbull divorce lawyers in your area - like all of them and pay for the consult and document it. Why? Because after a paid consult, they can't take on your husband as a client - conflict of interest rules kick in. Document all meetings for yourself, so if any of them even dare bend that rule, you can tell whichever lawyer you chose to hire and let them nail the other side and get them to withdraw. You do NOT have inferior resources and that's so important for you to understand. Sure, you may talk to 5 lawyers who just bs you and tell you here is the huge retainer you must pay them - don't get discouraged, keep looking, keep researching, ask around discretely of who might know of a raging pitbull lawyer, the work you put into that will be worth it, as well as the advice and representation you get.
    Last edited by DancingFool; 08-27-2020 at 04:12 PM.

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