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The best relationship of my life just ended


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I’m 38 years old. It took my 37 years to finally be in a healthy relationship with a guy that I liked. A genuinely great guy. I don’t have a single complaint about him.

 

We had everything in common, and he is the only person I have met to this point in my life that I could 100% be myself and feel safe.

 

He’s the only person I felt emotionally safe with and open with. Someone I could give emotion to freely without feeling afraid. It took me a long time: so many toxic relationships and a lot of self-reflection.

 

We were together for 13 months but only spent about three months of that together, mostly because of the virus. I don’t have a single negative thing to say about this guy. There was not a single bad moment in our relationship. We only got in one fight the entire time. He was the sweetest and most thoughtful guy I had ever been with. Everyone who met him said the same.

 

Our chemistry was immediate. We were magnetic when we were together. We were always touching each other one way or another. You couldn’t keep us apart. The distance was hard. He was the only person I ever felt the “sparks” with on our first kiss. It was a fairytale perfect—the best year of my life.

 

So now, I am absolutely beyond devastated. I don’t know how I am going to be able to cope with this in the coming days. I feel like nothing ever goes right for me in my life, and when it finally does, it is taken away like some big joke.

 

I get the virus is affecting everyone’s life, but I am only a witness to my own life. I feel I’m a good person for the most part, so I don’t understand why I always seem to be in some giant karmic payoff.

 

We didn’t break up because our relationship was troubled. We didn’t break up because we learned things we didn’t like about each other. The reason we broke up wasn’t due to anything negative between us. Neither of us wanted to break up. Our relationship was always unknown because of the distance, and I took the risk and lost.

 

We met last summer when he was studying abroad here for an MBA, and we had the best two months together. He was only here for a summer program. Originally it was to end and be a fling, but the chemistry was amazing, and we went so well together we kept it going. He lives in Hong Kong. I live in New York. We couldn’t be further apart.

 

We fit together so well. He flew back around the world to see me a month later and spent a couple of weeks here. He also started networking to find a job here, hopefully. Then we met again in Malta in December. I wish I knew that was going to be the last time I would see him. We had so many plans and he we were was set to move in together August 2020.

 

Then his father broke his leg so he stayed there past my birthday in January saying he would come at the end of February or early March. Then this stupid virus happened. I know it destroys everything in its path even if you don’t get it. It destroyed everything for me, but we had each other.

 

We talked to each other all day every day for the entire 13 months of our relationship. We never got tired or ran out of things to say to each other. Anything that happened to us, we told the other. We had a routine, we had hobbies we did together from afar, every day was happy. Keeping hope alive that he could come to see me again soon. But the borders to Hong Kong were closed and if he left he would have to stay in a Chinese government quarantine when he came back. I wouldn't want that for him. We waited for travel restrictions to be lifted but then April passed, June, July, and with no end in sight.

 

Still he planned to do a school program here that would allow him to work from day one. We pushed the plan from August to Jan 2021. He would find a job while in school and then stay here. He would have two years to find one.

 

Now jobs are not plenty. He could not find a job in Hong Kong because of the virus. Then China imposed new rules on the region, so even more employers have begun to flee. The plan was to make money and save before coming to school here. That did not happen because of the virus and the China situation. He had not adequate found work since graduating from school.

 

Jobs here are scarce who will hire him as a foreigner? He wanted to work in Corporate AI, but businesses have cut those funds. He did not make money and had been living on his savings for this entire year and three for the MBA. So now there might be no job here. He will almost be 32 when he comes here, and he doesn’t think it’s wise to financially wipe himself out, not knowing if he will get a job and having to pay for school and living expenses. It makes sense but it is still unlucky and sad. At the same time it also doesn't make sense because he got the MBA to change careers. He hated his old job and his life. The job he wants does not exist in Hong Kong. He is throwing in the towel and going back to his old line of work making the MBA nearly useless. Plus he is not Chinese and there is no future for him in Hong Kong. He doesn't want to waste his time in a job here if it goes no where, but will enter a job that is sure to go no where there. I feel bad for him because he is so depressed about his current professional position. He loses at every angle.

 

Plan B was to move to Canada together, but because of the virus, those residencies that usually took six months will now take at least another year.

 

He made a decision that is logical given the current global situation. We can not stay in long distance forever with no end in sight and not being able to see each other at all, he ended it. It is logical but it hurts. He was the best relationship that I ever had.

 

We have not spent enough in-person time together. The time and the distance most likely made the romantic aspect of our relationship fade, so if anyone mentions why didn’t you get married, I’m sure he probably thought of it as an option and didn’t want to at this point. I don't even know if I would want to at this point.

He broke up with me because he feels every route is exhausted because of the virus. It is not possible.

 

I didn’t try to convince him to find some way. I knew he had thought of every way and what he was or was not willing to do to be with me. I just forced myself not to cry in front of him but he cried a lot.

 

I live alone in a small apartment. I have so much going on in my life. He was my peace every day. He was my joy what I had to look forward to. He was my ear when I was feeling angry or stressed or nervous. He was my best friend too. We talked all day every day. We had a routine.

 

I never felt uncomfortable with anything with him. I was able to get through the virus because I had this, and now it is gone. What am I going to do? And now, I will be alone in this tiny apartment devastated stuck inside most days. No one to share updates of my day with. How am I going to get through this?

 

What do I do? How do I move on from this? I don’t know how I will. I always pick bad men. This is my 5th time in life being heartbroken. The other was just Jan of 2017. I don’t know how I’ll go through it again with everything else. It’s not like the others; I have zero anger towards him. I don't blame him for this. All I can do is keep communication open because who knows where we will be post pandemic. Although I have told myself i am taking time to not talk to him, and I am not holding out for him because that is something that might never happen for us. The window for us might be closed forever.

 

He was such a great guy. The ones that are not easy to come by. Usually, about now, I would be thinking about how maybe I can get him back if I stay silent and all of that—reading relationship recovery books and articles. This isn’t that. There is nothing to recover. We were both happy. We live on opposite sides of the world.

 

The virus made our relationship impossible, and it came at the worst time. Even a year from now, he would have already been here.

 

I don’t know if I have ever been this sad before. It’s not like the other breakups. This feels worse because it was great. I hate this virus.

 

Any coping techniques, motivating words or anything positive would be great. I feel so miserable. I miss him dearly and it has only been a day of mostly not talking. I did text him once to say i wanted to keep open communication once i feel a little better. That resulted in a little back and fourth. How am I to go without talking to him.

 

My neighbor thinks he'll think he made a mistake in a week or two.

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I’m so sorry!

 

True long lasting love endures any hardship. Corona is one of those hardships and a true testament to how resilient our relationships are.

 

It sounds like he didn’t want to wait because Corona no matter how awful it is; will go away.

 

He could have waited until vaccines or the virus is gone. Or you could have moved to be with him once the pandemic is completely over?

 

With love there is always a way. I just think he threw in the towel to quick.

 

With that being said. You want someone who will do whatever they can when life throws hardships your way to always be with you.

 

Since he broke it off it truly shows his level of commitment. The silver lining is there’s someone better for you.

 

You’ll get through this. Just one day at a time.

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Okay, just read your response to Michelle, you are rude. You don't get to demand what kind of replies you receive from people. This is an open forum, any and all opinions are welcome.

You can take and pick what works for you, but you don't need to put people down due to not agreeing with them.

 

Michelle took the time to write back to you, that alone should be appreciated, after all it's free advice.

 

Please try to be respectful to those who reply to you. If you don't like the advice or don't agree, just scroll past.

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Sorry that you are hurting, OP.

 

I'm curious: has he actively been applying to jobs in the USA? From your description, I'm under the impression that he was not actively applying to USA jobs, only thinking of/planning to do so upon arrival to the USA. If that's the case, do you know his reasoning behind this decision? Why wait to apply, and not begin applying now? Employers accept applications from all over the world, his current location in no way means that he cannot apply for a position in any part of the world he wants. If an employer really likes what he/she sees in an applicant's profile and really wants said applicant, he/she will go above and beyond to hire the applicant. Many employers will even cover moving/travel expenses as part of the hire-on package.

 

It just seems to me, as limichelle pointed out, that he has given up far too quickly and is sabotaging himself career-wise by not actively seeking out the positions that he wants and by settling for the same position he had pre-MBA.

 

Anyways, as to your questions regarding moving on: my best advice is to begin creating a life for yourself. From your description, it seems this long-distance relationship was just about your entire world. Talking together all day, every day for 13 months......it's very co-dependent behavior. Yes, I do understand that the long distance aspect necessitated keeping in touch with one another more often, but "all day, every day" is just overkill. When did you find time to interact with friends or engage in activities you enjoy (ones that did not involve the long-distance boyfriend, that is)?

 

Starting now, it's time to build a life for yourself, one that you can truly enjoy whether you are single or in a relationship. If you have friends in your life, now is the time to reach out to them. If you don't, now is the time to begin cultivating friendships. Pick up some hobbies you enjoy, whether it be painting, gardening, writing, whatever passes the time in an enjoyable way for you.

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Sorry that you are hurting, OP.

 

I'm curious: has he actively been applying to jobs in the USA? From your description, I'm under the impression that he was not actively applying to USA jobs, only thinking of/planning to do so upon arrival to the USA. If that's the case, do you know his reasoning behind this decision? Why wait to apply, and not begin applying now? Employers accept applications from all over the world, his current location in no way means that he cannot apply for a position in any part of the world he wants. If an employer really likes what he/she sees in an applicant's profile and really wants said applicant, he/she will go above and beyond to hire the applicant. Many employers will even cover moving/travel expenses as part of the hire-on package.

 

It just seems to me, as limichelle pointed out, that he has given up far too quickly and is sabotaging himself career-wise by not actively seeking out the positions that he wants and by settling for the same position he had pre-MBA.

 

Anyways, as to your questions regarding moving on: my best advice is to begin creating a life for yourself. From your description, it seems this long-distance relationship was just about your entire world. Talking together all day, every day for 13 months......it's very co-dependent behavior. Yes, I do understand that the long distance aspect necessitated keeping in touch with one another more often, but "all day, every day" is just overkill. When did you find time to interact with friends or engage in activities you enjoy (ones that did not involve the long-distance boyfriend, that is)?

 

Starting now, it's time to build a life for yourself, one that you can truly enjoy whether you are single or in a relationship. If you have friends in your life, now is the time to reach out to them. If you don't, now is the time to begin cultivating friendships. Pick up some hobbies you enjoy, whether it be painting, gardening, writing, whatever passes the time in an enjoyable way for you.

 

He was applying for jobs at first. But there was no response. He applied to 100+ he even went with would be the biggest companies to sponsor employees and did strategic applications. He also networked every-time he came to see me. The government we currently have has made it harder and harder for foreigners to get work here as I mentioned in my post. While i understand their intention this makes it harder for companies to obtain very skilled talent, for people to come to America, and for people like my boyfriend. There are less available work visas available than ever before, and as of June there are virtually none. We learned from this that he would not find a job easily unless he was here. They have actively limited the sponsorship programs. Trump in June 2020 passed a law where no H1 visas will be given out for the remainder of 2020 so it would be impossible to be sponsored now. Unless he does something absolutely no one in america or you are a very special talent like a noble prize winner. My friends told me that companies have just entirely closed their visa programs and even halted transfers of current employees. He did the school route. He was going to pay in full for a school for a degree he did not need to come here to be with me that cost upward of 60K. We found a school that offered a program called CPT where he could look for work from day one without requiring a sponsorship. The new idea was to take that job get settled and later have them sponsor him without the stress of having to do so right away. He tried for months to find a job from abroad with no response. It is not that simple. He is not under qualified it is just amazingly hard to randomly apply to jobs from abroad. Not even one requested an interview. He is very smart went to top schools and is in a niche field of cooperate artificial intelligence as in crypto and privacy. He has owned businesses revolving around it and has a lot of experience and has a consulting background there. Yet he could not get a response even though there are limited qualified people in that field. He did not throw in the towel or jump the gun he had been applying since August of 2019.

 

He is an amazingly smart guy. He tried endlessly for a year. He talked to friends, networked, i helped, we were not lazy. There was no lack of effort. He talked to ex professors and company owners trying to get through the back end. But he was always just brushed off because he did not live here. While in Hong Kong he took low paying gigs in the field to further improve his resume. Only low paying because there is really no market for AI in hong kong. However, those jobs offered him the freedom to collect his own accounts and sell his own business so he could have made money and saved but because of the pandemic there were no clients to be had. He made that sacrifice as well being in these jobs for a year that provided no real income so that he could look better to obtain a job here and be able to move and take vacations to see me while waiting to finally be together. In china you do not get a vacation until after working for an employer for at least a year if he had a full time job. He did calls, hired immigration consultants, even applied to jobs there that he would eventually be able to get a transfer to America through. He tried very hard. None of that worked hence the school route.

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Sorry you took my post to be offensive. I really don’t know what type of support you’re looking for. It seems you won’t be happy with anyone’s responses.

 

This forum is straight forward. We aren’t going to just tell you what you want to hear. That doesn’t mean we’re bitter. The people on here and myself included just base our advice from an outside perspective and have different opinions.

 

I’m just looking at it from the silver lining perspective. That there’s someone more suited for you.

 

I’m sure he’s a wonderful man.

 

Really no need to be rude to Sherry and I.

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Electricorchid, she's not being rude.

 

We don't give advice depending on what you tell us to write, how would that help you? We give advice based on what we think would work best or what we see maybe you're not seeing.

 

Michelle is correct.

 

If you went to a therapist, it wouldn't be any different. You get advice and help based on what would work the best, not tailored to your demands or what you tell people to do or what to say.

 

Sometimes tough love is needed in certain situations. But it is always meant to help...that's the keyword, HELP. Not to harm. The majority of us long time posters are doing our best to offer the best advice or help that we see fit, Michelle included.

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We thought about moving to other places but because of the virus no applications are open in the near future. Being he is in China no one knows how long he might be stuck there unable to leave or only if held in a quarantine center. If you do not know China no one has freedom there and people often disappear. The tensions are rising as they strong hold hong kong and at some point he might not even be able to leave. He might be trapped despite not being a national citizen of china. It is china. And things are very bad there right now. We tried so hard. And if he doesn't have the money for school now and if we can not go anywhere else what can we do. You can only be apart from someone for so long before it fades away. We have not seen each other for 8 months as of now. It's important to remember that none of those people have the freedom that we have. They can't say what they want, they can't visit website that we can without a VPN, and the gov can do whatever they want to them at any time. If there is a vaccine we don't know where or who will get it even if there is one. We ended it because right now it looks like he might be stuck there for almost another 2 years. We already have not seen each other for 8 months. Even if he could go to canada which is the easiest place to go for hong kongers the consultant said it will take at least 18 months. That is why it ended. Not for lack of trying. What do we do. We did not want to break up. He really didn't I never saw someone cry so hard. He feels trapped, he's living in an unknown gov environment, he can be swooped up at any time and locked away if he says the wrong thing, his professional life in the air, he is in a close family trying to help them. He said i deserved someone that could be here with me during this time as i have been alone for months in the middle of a pandemic all alone. If there was no pandemic we would not have broken up and he would be here now. At the very least we would have went to Canada.

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Sorry to hear this, OP. I think all you can do is accept that it will be hard at first, and feel those feelings. It will be a shock to the system for a while, not to have him as your constant companion.

 

But you will slowly learn a new "normal," one that doesn't involve him in your daily landscape. It will seem strange and painful at the beginning. But you will get through it. Trust that and lean into it. Know that it does get better, a bit at a time.

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How I see it is I’m more direct and matter of fact. I’m looking at this from the outside. because you don’t come to a forum of people you know for the first time to get advice. You come to get an outside perspective. To gain more clarity.

 

That’s why OP I’m presuming came.

 

Yes I’m sensitive to her dilemma. But I’m not going to make it worse by sugar coating things. That’s not honest!

 

I think there’s someone more suited and I’m sorry a good relationship ended.

 

But I also have my opinions based on what advice I have to offer.

 

If OP doesn’t like it she can simply chose to ignore. I’m not going to expect everyone to take my advice.

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Electricorchid, she's not being rude.

 

We don't give advice depending on what you tell us to write, how would that help you? We give advice based on what we think would work best or what we see maybe you're not seeing.

 

Michelle is correct.

 

If you went to a therapist, it wouldn't be any different. You get advice and help based on what would work the best, not tailored to your demands or what you tell people to do or what to say.

 

Sometimes tough love is needed in certain situations. But it is always meant to help...that's the keyword, HELP. Not to harm. The majority of us long time posters are doing our best to offer the best advice or help that we see fit, Michelle included.

 

Thank you Sherry, I’m honestly just baffled.

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We thought about moving to other places but because of the virus no applications are open in the near future. Being he is in China no one knows how long he might be stuck there unable to leave or only if held in a quarantine center. If you do not know China no one has freedom there and people often disappear. The tensions are rising as they strong hold hong kong and at some point he might not even be able to leave. He might be trapped despite not being a national citizen of china. It is china. And things are very bad there right now. We tried so hard. And if he doesn't have the money for school now and if we can not go anywhere else what can we do. You can only be apart from someone for so long before it fades away. We have not seen each other for 8 months as of now. It's important to remember that none of those people have the freedom that we have. They can't say what they want, they can't visit website that we can without a VPN, and the gov can do whatever they want to them at any time. If there is a vaccine we don't know where or who will get it even if there is one. We ended it because right now it looks like he might be stuck there for almost another 2 years. We already have not seen each other for 8 months. Even if he could go to canada which is the easiest place to go for hong kongers the consultant said it will take at least 18 months. That is why it ended. Not for lack of trying. What do we do. We did not want to break up. He really didn't I never saw someone cry so hard. He feels trapped, he's living in an unknown gov environment, he can be swooped up at any time and locked away if he says the wrong thing, his professional life in the air, he is in a close family trying to help them. He said i deserved someone that could be here with me during this time as i have been alone for months in the middle of a pandemic all alone. If there was no pandemic we would not have broken up and he would be here now. At the very least we would have went to Canada.

 

I’m sorry this is happening to you. I know it must be rough being alone right now. Do you have family or friends nearby?

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I want to do no contact now. It's hard because i'm quarantining and i'm stuck inside all of the time. I have asthma and i'm scared to get this illness. What do I do being inside alone all of the time? but i don't think it would be healthy to talk to him now.

 

I told him that i want to keep communication open when i feel better. This is not like any other breakup i have had. I don't have any bad feelings toward him. I don't feel like he's somehow getting over on me by having me talk to him because he broke up with me. It's not that type of game. Also maybe not in this time and place but when he finally escapes and if we are both still single and a good connection who knows what the future holds. If I stop talking to him 100% forever then it's history. He's such a good person and a good friend to me at the very least. Of I don't want to sit around waiting for the maybe one day. I'm trying to heal, but I also just wake up hoping he will message me telling me he found a way somehow.

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I understand. I have health issues too that render me inside all the time.

 

You don't have any friends or family nearby? Can you Zoom or Facetime with friends or family? Having a connection right now with a loved one, would help a lot for the support you're needing due to this loss.

 

You never know, in time, things might turn around and he might be back in your country at some point. Everything is so up in the air, it's hard to say.

But you're right, for the time being, it's best to give each other space to get your head around the idea that it might not work out.

I think this is one of the heartbreaking realities of meeting someone from another country. It comes with massive roadblocks and those roadblocks are not something that can always be overcome.

 

I wished there was an easy solution to all of this, or to tell you that it won't be so bad. But as you said so yourself, there were no issues between you two, just distance.

So it will be difficult knowing he's out there, but not being able to do anything about it.

I hope in time that it gets easier and I also hope for you that some miracle happens somehow and brings you both back together at some point.

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Facetime, Zoom if you can. At least a couple times a day with a friend or a family member. You need to keep those connections going, especially right now.

Even if you have a good friend that will understand and you can cam with them, while grieving. It will give you an outlet for your loss and help you to not feel so alone.

 

Don't listen to sad love songs, don't watch movies that will bring you down. Try to not read your old messages and to sink into the upset of it all. It will not help.

Cry if you need to cry, mourn, definitely. That's to be expected. But don't go out of your way to find upset or depressing things. It can become overwhelming if you do that.

 

Give yourself time, it will take time to heal. It won't happen overnight. This is a moment and chapter in your life, but it's not the end of the story, so don't give up.

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