What do I do now?

My boyfriend and I are in our mid twenties and have been together for over 3 years. I don't know how to feel about what happened this weekend.

We went to a party at one of his friend's place on Saturday, and at first everything was fun and all, then everyone started getting really drunk, and one of his friends apparently groped a girl. my boyfriend got him in a cab because everyone wanted him out, so my boyfriend helped him. Then I explained that he was hitting on me as well and not being a decent person, and he was making excuses for him, so I guess that made me upset and for some reason, what he understood from it is that I said he was abusive...? I have never said or thought that. Then he was getting really angry and aggressive so his friends separated us, I was crying and telling everyone I never said he was abusive, and then he started throwing chairs and one of his friends literally had to choke him for a minute so he would calm down. The host was suggesting I spend the night in their guestroom because he was concerned but I ended up going back with my boyfriend.

The next morning, he was very hungover and I tried to take care of him and all. Obviously I was very upset but I tried not to show it. He apologised and said it would never happen again and I believe him but I feel like I am being taken for granted... like he can just do something like that and say sorry and because I love him, I'll just forgive him... I don't know what to do from here...

How often do you and he choose to get drunk when you go out? I'm sorry this happened and it sounds like this is not the first time you two have chosen getting drunk in social situations. So first I'd consider why you two chose to get drunk in this situation. Then I would want to know if he has ever gotten aggressive while drunk or if you have.

I would end the relationship because he chose to get drunk and chose the consequences. I would be gone since he acted in such a violent way. One exception would be if he agrees to get help for his drinking issues -maybe you should too if he has them?

Put it behind you and do not get this drunk or start arguing when drunk. Does your bf frequently get out of control while drinking? he did do the right thing getting rid of groper guy.

my boyfriend got him in a cab because everyone wanted him out

There's the alcohol being a major factor, this happens far too often for so many people. They get drunk and lose their minds.

I see the option of him getting help for his drinking problem or else you dump him. I would not put up with anyone who gets that stinking drunk. If you are drinking too much too then you need to get some help.

Your instincts to run are correct. He showed you who he is and what he is capable of and you can't unring that bell. That kind of behavior is just not something you can forgive and sweep under the rug because yes, it will be teaching him that he can act like that or worse and you'll keep sticking around. Three years or not, I'd be gone in your shoes. When a guy becomes physically violent like that, you walk away and never look back. Also, alcohol is not an excuse, it's a truth serum.

Why would you return to him? This guy is dangerous and scary. God only knows what would have happened if his friends had not pulled him off.

Have you been in other abusive relationships, is this why you are not reacting in a self protecting manner? Has this happened before?

Get away from this guy!

The next morning, he was very hungover and I tried to take care of him and all. Obviously I was very upset but I tried not to show it. He apologised and said it would never happen again and I believe him but I feel like I am being taken for granted... like he can just do something like that and say sorry and because I love him, I'll just forgive him... I don't know what to do from here...

First of all, sorry you went through this. That would have been quite frightening.

Second, don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. You said you were still (understandably) very upset the next morning but tried to hide it. Why? You say you he thinks you'll just forgive him, but if you're not being honest about how you feel, then it follows that he would think that. This isn't to blame you, but rather to encourage you to speak up and not pretend that something serious doesn't bother you. Are you accustomed to be timid with him about the truth? Now would be a great opportunity to speak honestly about how this has made you feel.

Finally - have you ever seen this violent side of him before? He seems to have gone from zero to 60 awfully quickly.

I wouldn't say we have a problem with drinking. I wasn't drunk or hungover the next morning. We actually haven't had alcohol in quite a while with the pandemic and all..

When his friend was hitting on you did he grope you or harass you in a hurtful manner or were you just offended? Look, if you're going to hang around drunk people who can't control themselves, this is what happens. It sounds like your boyfriend had his hands full trying to get his friend home. Was it really necessary for you to jump on the bandwagon and start complaining about how his friend hit on you too that night? It's not acceptable and it's rude, yes, but think of the context and the timing too. I'm also questioning whether your boyfriend was in any way, shape or form, set up to defend you as your knight in shining armour. You're pitting two friends against each other in the heat of the moment. I'm not meaning to sound harsh but it's a bit like pouring kerosene over a flaming car. What is the point of this when the whole event is going down in flames already?

Choking someone to get them under control is just ridiculous. I'd question the entire group of people you're around and whether this is a crowd you want to get mixed up with. I also wonder if there were drugs involved that evening. Give things time to cool off and do some thinking of your own.

I don't think you should have gone over to take care of your boyfriend. Do you usually jump into a parent-child role with him? Hang back a bit more and let him take care of himself. Don't enable bad behaviour and take care of yourself. Don't make yourself available all the time. Get in touch with your hobbies outside of the relationship and don't revolve your life around him. I think you're too involved there. I hope you feel better soon.

When his friend was hitting on you did he grope you or harass you in a hurtful manner or were you just offended? Look, if you're going to hang around drunk people who can't control themselves, this is what happens. It sounds like your boyfriend had his hands full trying to get his friend home. Was it really necessary for you to jump on the bandwagon and start complaining about how his friend hit on you too that night? It's not acceptable and it's rude, yes, but think of the context and the timing too. I'm also questioning whether your boyfriend was in any way, shape or form, set up to defend you as your knight in shining armour. You're pitting two friends against each other in the heat of the moment. I'm not meaning to sound harsh but it's a bit like pouring kerosene over a flaming car. What is the point of this when the whole event is going down in flames already?

It was after the friend in question was gone, we were sitting and drinking and he was making excuses for the guy saying it's just because he was drunk, and all I said was it doesn't justify that, and that I believe the girl because he was hitting on me as well. I really wasn't trying to set anyone against anyone, the guy was gone already...

Has he exhibited aggressive behavior prior to this incident?

Just wanted to share this with you - my roommate in college was in a very happy relationship for over 4 years. They seemed like such a strong and happy couple. One day she came home with all her things from his place and in a flood of tears. She had dumped him because out of the blue he flew off into a rage, verbally abused her and threw her bag across the room because she had put it in the "wrong" place. He had never ever displayed that kind of behavior before and I can attest as he practically lived with us most of the time. He seemed always cool, helpful around the house, nice, and a devoted bf. What she described was a shock to her and to me as well.

My roommate had quite a spine and her take on it was that nobody ever treats her like that. It's not normal and not acceptable and she stayed firm in her decision to get rid of him. Boy was she right. He was from the same small town I grew up in and he moved there after we all graduated. He also got married pretty fast. Small town being what it is, rumors started floating that he is a wife beater and that he had similar abrupt violent outbursts at his customers. So much so that he lost business and had to move to start over somewhere else.

So I'll say it again, when someone shows you what they are capable of believe them the first time and walk away.

It was after the friend in question was gone, we were sitting and drinking and he was making excuses for the guy saying it's just because he was drunk, and all I said was it doesn't justify that, and that I believe the girl because he was hitting on me as well. I really wasn't trying to set anyone against anyone, the guy was gone already...

I'm very sorry you had to go through this. I'd question the whole crowd, as I mentioned earlier. They sound like a rough bunch. You get to pick the types of people you want to associate with.

It sounds like they believed her because they ejected him from the party. However the issue is your bf's drunken outburst not whether not it was because this guy was drunk, etc. You are sidestepping the real issue here.

It was after the friend in question was gone, we were sitting and drinking and he was making excuses for the guy saying it's just because he was drunk, and all I said was it doesn't justify that, and that I believe the girl because he was hitting on me as well. I really wasn't trying to set anyone against anyone, the guy was gone already...

Where are you, OP?

Did you ask your family what they thought?

it depends on his history. If this was a one time thing, then you two have to sit down and figure this out because what happened ain't gonna go away. Start with his behavior, then about his friends and the heavy drinking, and lastly setting boundaries on what is going to be appropriate and not appropriate partying. This heavy drinking with these friends has to end. And yes he needs to make up for the abusive behavior...a simple I'm sorry will not be enough. There will be more conversations about it. He needs to get his priorities straight or else you walk. Be firm, make sure he knows you mean business.

"I feel like I am being taken for granted... like he can just do something like that and say sorry and because I love him, I'll just forgive him"

Well, you did just that, didn't you? You just forgave him and went home with him and are still with him.

He learned something...that he can behave that way and get away with it. Is that what you want him to take from this?

Since he enjoys drinking, he'll display his temper to you again in the future. You need to ask yourself if you're prepared for future scenarios and ask yourself if you're prepared to be with him despite his outbursts. Either be with him and tolerate his predictable future, random behavior or dissolve the relationship. The choice is yours.

In your shoes, I'd tell him: We can't drink anymore, because you have no control over your behavior when you're drunk.

Find other activities to do with your friends, and if that's not possible because that's all they like to do, then find new friends. People in AA learn that they need to cut people out of their lives when it will ruin their willpower to join in on the drinking.

If he chooses the drinking over you, then realize that you can't win the competition over someone's addiction. The addiction will always trump the relationship for addicts.

This is your fork in the road. Tell him the ultimatum. If he chooses you, you can head down the right path together. If he doesn't choose you, go on ahead, alone.

I just want to thank you guys for your replies. It was very helpful to read through and take into account everyone's advice.

I sat my boyfriend down and talked to him, explained that I am very upset and that I stayed with him because I love him but maybe I should have left that morning. He understands that he acted stupidly and I realise that alcohol played a very big role in that. He is very sorry about his actions and I believe him. Whenever we've had problems before and he has apologised, he's actually followed through and the issue never came up again. So I have no reason not to trust him. We're definitely going to be more careful with alcohol in the future as well.

Thank you again for all your help!

Good to hear! Good luck with everything and enjoy the rest of the summer. Stay safe out there.

My mother has dealt with both an alcoholic and someone who was physically abusive. Neither ended well. I see that you have a good relationship and can talk to each other, so I hope things work out and this was just a one time mistake. But don't forget this and if it happens again, don't hesitate to stop things. You shouldn't put yourself in danger. I also think the alcohol made things worse, but that his actions displayed underlying anger issues that should be looked at.

Good luck and hope things work out for you.