Is he still holding on??

Hi all, thanks for reading. First, a little background. I was married for 28 yrs and have been divorced a little over 3 yrs. I am in a new relationship for 8 months now. I will admit we did move into this relationship pretty fast but things just seemed right. He is a hard worker, very responsible, and always makes sure I have everything I need. Great guy, only here's the problem....I feel like he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend. She left a lot of things in his house, (understandable!), But he doesn't get rid of them. I asked him about it once and he said it was nothing sentimental and he would get rid of it. He never did, so I threw it all out. Of course, I still find things here and there. Why is he holding on to this stuff? At this point, should I just leave them or continue throwing them out??

He told me about her when we first started dating and said they broke up because they live to far apart and didn't get time together. He had all good things to say about her, which is great but at the same time makes me think he really misses her.

I recently told him I wasn't comfortable with him being FB friends with her (maybe that's petty). He started saying things like...I don't even think about that, you don't have to worry. (He is on FB a lot) Why didn't he just say ok if you feel that way...then delete her? At that point it wasn't really about the friend thing but about the fact that he didn't seem to care about my feelings and he didn't want to unfriend her. After about an hour (I had already walked away) he deleted her. He didn't seem happy about it.

I have talked to him several times about how I feel and at this point he seems to just get frustrated with me. My feelings are real and I'm having a hard time with this. I realize I am damaged from my marriage and I do have trust issues but if he cares so much for me and is done with her, why can't he let go. He says it's not like that and I am overthinking. Is this just my mind or do I have a real problem here??

You have no right to throw out anything in HIS house. If he has feelings for her, throwing her things out will not resolve the problem.

I am surprised he did not throw you out! Unbelievable!

You sound super-insecure and nowhere ready for a relationship. You need to deal with your insecurities.

In my defense, I live with him. His words..."This house is as much yours as mine."

I don't really like the feeling that she is still a part of it.

A relationship should be with one person, and not to include the old one.

No offense but who are you to go into his house and vandalize it? You seem to have major divorce issues you haven't dealt with and are taking it out on this guy. it's amazing he didn't call the police on you for touching things in his house. You need to dial things back with controlling possessive behaviors.

I am in a new relationship for 8 months now.

....I feel like he still has feelings for his ex girlfriend.

 

so I threw it all out.

Sorry but it doesn't change the fact that you have no right to throw out things that do not directly belong to you. Even in a marriage, you don't just toss out your spouse's things without their explicit permission unless you want to end up in divorce court. What you did was unacceptable and completely inappropriate on many levels. If you really feel so disrespected and disregarded, then your correct solution is to break up instead of throwing things out.

Your insecurities are over the top and your behavior is such that you will end up with exactly what you fear - getting dumped. Except it won't be about his ex or any imaginary feelings you think he has for her, it will be all because of your own out of control behavior and insecurities.

Emotionally healthy people who part ways with a person don't feel any need to hate and purge everything about that person from their lives precisely because they are firm in their decision to part ways and aren't carrying any torches. Contact or any reminders of their ex doesn't make their heart beat any faster because they are in neutral mode about them as in done, over, moved on. Get that through your head somehow before you destroy this relationship completely.

If you can't, then consider this a serious incompatibility where you need to find a man who is just as insecure and jealous as you are and will purge everything on his own accord. You might be better aligned with someone who thinks and feels more like you do. This man you are dating will eventually get fed up with your behavior.

When did you move in?

I am curious as to what type of "stuff" it is?

Hollyj, I moved in in January.

But legally, it isn't.

In my defense, I live with him. His words..."This house is as much yours as mine."

It's just old clothes, just "around the house" kind of stuff.

He said he didn't care that I threw it out. I guess my real question here is...am I wasting my time on a guy who still may be in love with another woman???

You moved in right after you met him?

No. Sorry, I just saw my typo in the first post. We have been together 18 months

It only sounds like he's a slob. I wouldn't get too hung up about the stuff. The bigger idea is - are you sure you want to keep picking up after a man who isn't organized or doesn't know how to keep his house in order?

You can choose to be with a grown man or a boy.

I'd also be asking myself what was the reason she up and left so quickly without cleaning or being mindful about her things. Was she equally a slob or was there something so off about the relationship that she had to hightail it out of there or something so offensive that she never wanted to see him again?

These are all red flags to me. The actual stuff is just an annoyance. Those would be my questions.

Mod Note: Please remain respectful.

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