Trauma Bond - help

We broke up long ago. The narcissist first chased me , love bombed me , then strung me along for a long time. To where one day , I was dug in and stuck. I never dealt with such manipulation. It was all about him. But he talked me out of my doubt constantly. Then he was done , discarded me and sadly (not proud) I was chasing and begging. He was done , but

He always engaged. He always answered. He always responded back and did this emotional dance with me. The longest I went at one point was 1 month no contact before breaking. At some point , we were no longer arguing then but talking calmly. Like friends. Happy, like when we first met. But , he had no interest in getting back together. Using the old “not looking for anything serious”. I had one weak emotional moment and told him I loved him. Then I said I was leaving to go away for the weekend and maybe we would talk when I returned . On a Sunday , there were texts , calls , he was asking if I had returned. Had I eaten ? I agreed to meet him in a park. We didn’t speak of the relationship. We even flirted at the end . I then said I had to leave and left. Of course , he kept sending texts . I guess he thought he was going to get me into bed. That wasn’t going to happen.

Emotionally, I’m bankrupt. Bonded to “why wasn’t I enough” to a man I loved. It was only when I found out that he had this pattern even before me that I realized while my reactions were dramatic and awful, I didn’t cause it . He had . His treatment of me had. He ruined birthdays , etc. he has since apologized, but he had the nerve to say “he” can’t get past the past. Early on, I saw evidence he was still looking for other women. I know I should have left then. I know I was wrong. I pray all the time to be healed of this , but it consumes my thoughts every day. I did not respond to his last texts. If he were a real man , he would have ignored me to let me heal. He wouldn’t try and see if he could get me into bed. I have but only to assume that’s why he met me , being he told me he does not want to revisit the relationship. He told he did because he “enjoys my company” what a crock of .

I know I gave this man way too much of my life. But why is trauma bond so strong and why does it exist ? I know I have abandonment issues from childhood. I do see a therapist. But it seems no matter what I do .... I’m stuck. How do I get unstuck ?

"Enjoys your company" means he is going to take advantage of you wherever possible. He's full of it. This happened to me. He outright told me to my face that he was interested in someone else, but could we still be friends? ?

One month of NC was great on your part. You CAN do it again! You did it once. Just delete his number, block him and go into NC immediately. No discussion with him either. I tried this twice & failed but the third time I was successful! You gotta keep trying.

Do you have other sources of support like family/friends? It's really hard to do this alone but it CAN be done with persistence!

Thank you . Not much family. A few close friends. I don’t have a large support system but I’ve got to work with what I’ve got

Based on this thread and your recent one , I don’t think your ex is a narcissist.

He simply didn’t have the same boundaries as you.

A narcissist would never apologise for their behaviour or accept negative feedback from you , but this guy did.

The relationship ended but you term it as he discarded you.

Thats your perspective on it but not everyone in the same situation would see it that way.

That is something you need to work on with your therapist for sure.

At the end of the day you need to realise that this was a 2 year relationship , rocky one by the sounds of it , but there are 20+ year marriages that end and the person dumped wouldn’t necessarily feel “discarded”

It sounds like he accepted the relationship wasn’t working , ended it , but still has empathy towards you. Something a narcissist doesn’t have.

That’s all based on only what you have told us of course.

“If he were a real man , he would have ignored me and left me to heal”

That’s actually unfair.

He might have unwittingly thought he was doing right by you.

Or that a month later , he assumed you had got past the breakup as you seemed to have let on by being “like friends”

Nothing in your post suggested he was trying to get you into bed?

It is in YOUR interest to not contact him but you can’t berate him for replying to you when you do?

He is not responsible for contact with you since you initiate it.

Sorry to hear that. It's great you are getting therapy but you need an evaluation by a doctor. Many people suffer for years not knowing what the real problem is or getting effective treatment.

My advice about your situation remains the same.

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=565637&p=7233541&viewfull=1#post7233541

My awful ex told me "You know how I am and you keep coming back so I figure you like being treated like this." He also said he couldn't possibly respect me when I allowed him to treat me poorly.

Are you still in contact with him? If so, why?

When the question that's eating at you is "why am I not enough for him?" - that's not trauma bonding, that's your ego keeping you stuck. Whatever he may or may not be, your ego can't handle rejection and can't walk away in peace. You have to make him want you in order to validate yourself. He isn't doing this to you, you are doing this to yourself voluntarily.

Getting rid of him is actually easy - block and delete from everything. Done.

Overall, if he is that awful, then you need to accept that he is that awful for real. He isn't going to change and become someone else. If you want to ride a horse, don't buy a donkey. This man is your donkey. Time to turn it loose.

I agree with DF about ego and "why am I not enough".

Also, did you actually request for respect and privacy after the last love bombing or hot/cold interaction? He's made it clear to you that he's not interested in a relationship. What else do you get from interacting with this person?

If you're not firm about your boundaries right off the bat, people don't know where your lines are drawn. Communicate better or don't communicate at all (block and delete). I like to think clear communication is more effective and you'll really see someone's true colours whether they're able to respect your wishes. Blocking and deleting someone just means that you can unblock and choose to communicate at a later time and fall into bad patterns all over again. It's not the technology that needs tweaking; it's you.

There's something so basic and unrefined about a person who just wants to get in your pants. You've classed him as someone like this. Why associate with him? A lot of animals have more finesse than that. It should be a complete turn off. Do you feel unattractive on a physical level? Is it also helpful to take a look at yourself, your self-image and body image and learn to appreciate yourself more? We all run into moments in life where we think we're not good enough, even for our own standards and what we think or where we think we ought to be. Spend more time on yourself. Hope you feel better soon.

Mariane, you’re on the right track regarding your understanding of your situation. I experienced a relationship with a person that shares a similar, if not identical, psychological disorder as your ex. It doesn’t matter whether he’s labeled a narcissist or not. He treated you very poorly in the same way a narcissist would, and that’s close enough.

But I would suggest that you also have a personality disorder, one that perfectly dovetailed with his. Call it codependency if you like, but it’s basically a lack of love for yourself. It originates in the very early stages of childhood development as the result of lack of attention from a caregiver, emotional abuse, and neglect, to name a few. We develop an overwhelming fear of abandonment, so we learn to gain attention by being ‘good’, not rocking the boat, not causing trouble. We begin to feel that it’s the only way people will ever love and accept us, and we carry it straight into our adulthood. (I would bet you’re a people-pleaser, right?) We become easy prey for people like your ex, because (at first) they shower us with attention, admiration, validation, and ‘love’. And although they do these things for their own benefit, they become like a drug we need to survive. Then one day they become bored with us, and it’s over. No closure, no discussion, and certainly no apology or explanation.

Trauma bonding is very real, and it’s extremely difficult to get past. It’s what you’re left with during your ‘withdrawal’ from your favorite ‘drug’. Whatever you do, please understand that the breakup wasn’t because of you. You were there, yes. You made mistakes and behaved badly, yes. But the relationship was doomed from day one, no matter what you did or didn’t do, as difficult as that may be to swallow. It had absolutely nothing to do with you being ‘not enough’ for him. All along, you were so much more than he deserved.

It’s crucial that you have absolutely no contact of any kind with this person. No calls, no text, no social media. Block him in every way you can think of, and definitely don’t respond or react to anything he says or does. Don’t even talk to mutual friends about him. He’s not your favorite drug any more. He’s poison, and he knows it.

The good news is that you can change yourself for the better, so that this kind of thing will never happen again. It’s not easy and it takes time and hard work, but you can do that. He can’t and never will, because he doesn’t see a problem with himself.

Let me encourage you to continue your therapy. Learn to love yourself. Give yourself all that you were hoping to receive from him. Regain your self-esteem and never give it away to someone who doesn’t deserve you. You can do so much better. Seek out people that recognize your worth. But more importantly, learn to recognize your own worth, and don’t accept mistreatment from anyone that doesn’t. Ever. In my opinion, these are the baby steps toward becoming ‘unstuck’. But don’t trust my 2 cents worth; ask your therapist.

I wish you all the best. Hang in there. You’ve got this.