Jump to content

As a guy, why do I put girls I like on a pedestal?


Andyj88

Recommended Posts

I'm a guy who just graduated college. I have posted about this situation before, this post is not related to it however. But, I had a messy FWB situation this year that went on for almost 8 months. The girl and I don't talk anymore, but sometimes I still miss her. I haven't talked to her in a little over a month..and I don't want to reach out to her. She played a lot of mind games, and really, really messed with my head. I was told by some people who know her that she is toxic and manipulative.

 

We have mutual friends, and even if I see her on another persons snap story, or some sort of social media, it's like my mood changes. She instantly gets back in my head and I start thinking about her again. It kinda hurts just seeing her, even if it's not in person.

 

I caught feelings while we were friends with benefits. That's what led to the messiness, and her and I kept hooking up when we agreed not to. She would initiate it, despite her knowing I had feelings for her. I wanted to stay close to her so I kept letting it happen. Dumb idea, I know.

 

It took a pretty big hit on my confidence and self esteem. I hadn't dealt with mind games and mixed signals to that degree before. I'm in a weird "limbo" stage right now where I've accepted she isn't healthy for me and is emotionally immature. But whenever I see her, she still gets in my head.

 

What can I do to change this? Why am I so affected? I hate feeling this way. I don't have reasons to be so insecure. I'm attractive, played college football, play in a band, and have a lot of great friends. I'm just so sick of feeling this way.

Link to comment

You don't sound like they type of guy that would be okay in a FWB's situation. That's a good thing. You expect more and feel more, (also a good thing).

 

That being said, don't get yourself into situations where you're sleeping with a girl who only wants to use you. You'll end up feeling like you do right now.

 

Find someone who wants to date you properly and treat you properly. And it's definitely not this girl.

 

Perhaps part of your issues is not being able to obtain the unattainable. But truthfully, you don't want that. She plays mind games, treats you badly and has zero remorse over it.

 

Change your focus, try chatting to another girl you find attractive, where it's online or in person, and eventually ask her on a proper date.

Finding someone else, will not only give you a new perspective but will help your self esteem.

Link to comment

Cease checking up on her on social media, block and delete her. Greatly reduce your time on the Internet because it's a huge time trap.

 

Get busy with exercise, great friends, hobbies and concentrate and focus on your own life. Then you'll be too exhausted to care about her.

 

Whenever certain people in my life irritate or preoccupy my thoughts, I exercise a lot, engage in enjoyable hobbies, intellectual pursuits, declutter and clean my home, enjoy cooking, watch great movies, communicate with great friends, family and after all that, I don't have any time, brain space nor energy left for negative people in my life.

 

Try a different strategy such as what I had suggested. It works.

Link to comment

The above comments are all right on track. I know personally it's hard to get someone out of your head when you become attached to them, even more so when that isn't reciprocated because you start to ask the question "what is wrong with me?". It turns into a messy circle of thoughts with no real resolve.

Throw in a little bit of denial that the situation has ended and you can begin to wonder if you're ever going to get over it.

 

Thing is, the situation was doomed to begin with. But that's okay. It's okay to miss someone you developed feelings for. That's just it, although it started as FWB you developed feelings which would naturally come with being intimate with someone.

 

I think learning from this experience and seeing what red flags you may have initially ignored will put you in a good position to find miss right in the future. Someone who wants to date you from the start. Someone who isn't going to use you for their own convenience and pleasures.

 

The issues aren't revolved around you, just the situation you were in. See this as a learning curve, a step towards a better outcome. Mourn it like a relationship, because it was one. 8 months is a significant amount of time, and you cared for that person. Just know that you are better off without this situation and move forward accordingly.

 

I'm sorry it hurts, but you are a good person and deserve more than a toxic, selfish person.

Link to comment

What you went through in your relationship with your ex, i have been through as well and many have been too. Initially when you are out of it you will feel all kind of withdrawal symptoms, you will crave for everything about the relationship. What was missing in that relationship was you made her the priority. Have you ever felt like saying no to her but still went with her? I am sure there would have been many instances. In future when you are in a relationship understand besides the relationship you have your own life too.

 

You should be able to do what you love to and same with her. It's about her coming along in your journey and same with you. It's not about sacrificing one's life passion and aspirations for others.There should be a balance & that will happen when you meet that right one.But if you want to become that person who loves his life his passions doing his own things you will need to start working on yourself first. it takes baby steps each day cause you are now caught up with loads of emotions. Important thing is be patient with yourself, watch the early signs of incompatibility in your relationships, be respectful of each others choices, don't feel bad to say No and don't stay in the relationship for sex.

Try dating someone who is unlike all your past exes, we sometimes overlook nice qualities in the person for sex good looks etc etc.

 

I always wanted to date woman with a stable personality but i kept dating who were all beautiful, sexy and completely confident with their looks

They were also broken but presented themselves as stable and mature. I realized even i was broken cause they did give me signs very early in the relationship , I kept going on believing that it was meant to be.

 

Ultimately your own system will start discarding the people who are not compatible.

Watch the signs

Link to comment

I'm responding to your last couple of paragraphs about taking hits to your confidence and self-esteem and what you can do to change this.

 

The only way to change this is to change your behaviours and your responses will follow.

 

This means stop behaving as if FWBs are ok for you and don't associate with emotionally immature individuals who have very little to offer you. It's completely ok to have standards. It doesn't matter what gender you are. Have more courage and faith in yourself and don't be afraid to be alone. Being with the wrong person for whatever reason is worse than being single. Don't buy into all the Hollywood or media crap about couples and how people should behave in sexual relationships or FWBs. You should know that they're over-romanticized and unrealistic. You're probably in your twenties after graduating college. There are all kinds of ideas out there about what you should be doing and what "fun" means.

 

Eliminate bad influences in your life and learn to tell the good from bad. Take care of yourself mentally, emotionally. You won't be so insecure once you start removing bad habits and bad influences.

Link to comment

Don't do FWB. Feelings always develop for one party and no good comes of that. The physical connection ends up becoming emotional and it is harder and harder to pull away from the person. So if you don't want to be in this position, focus on having an actual relationship with someone.

 

I was in a position just out of college where I had a more then friendship/not yet relationship with a girl. She was also toxic and essentially used me for comfort support. Of course, I didn't see that. Ever hopeful, I saw the good things in her and not the bad. Yet, she would never commit and things would keep going bad. Even though everything, I still wanted to be with her. Eventually she did something so hurtful that I had to step away. I had to keep reminding myself of the harm that she had done me and the pain she had put me through. I see you in a similar position. You are still going to have feelings for her, those feelings don't just disappear. You've also been physically intimate with her, unlike my case, which adds another whole level of feelings that can keep pulling you back in. But you just need to keep remembering that there was more bad then good. If she had really loved you and been right for you, she would not have hurt you as she did. Focus on yourself, and avoid her as best you can. Eventually, the pain will lessen as you replace her with more positive things in your life. One day you'll be able to do what I did, hear from her again and not have her get too you. If anything, I actually felt bad for her. She missed out on a great relationship and her behavior actually hurt her in the long run. This girl missed out on a great relationship with you and you are better off without her.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...