Dealing with Anxiety/Abandonment Issues

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with anxious/abandonment issues? Since I was a child (I'm 47 now) I've had an anxious style of attachment and seem to continue involving myself with avoidant types. I feel like I continue to try and "learn" the same lesson over and over. How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone or not finding the right person?

It seems like you pick the wrong people. Getting married to a man when you are gay. Dating people with serious disabilities,etc. People you can and do push away. This sounds more like you want to control the relationships than an attachment or childhood issue.

Have you tried therapy to find the root of the issue?

You have to work out WHY, OP. And seek help in getting to the core of that "why".

" How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone"

Maybe these remarks from an article by Karin Arndt, Ph.D.

"For so many of my female patients, the fear of being alone has two primary facets. First, there is discomfort associated with being alone on a day-to-day basis. When alone they feel antsy, uncomfortable, lonely, or bored and employ a variety of methods to avoid feeling that way. The second facet involves a fear of being alone into their older years — the fear of being the dreaded “spinster.” This fear should not be underestimated. It haunts the lives of so many women and oftentimes dictates a woman’s life choices. Many women will often choose anything to avoid the imagined fate of the spinster. In fact, it seems that this fear is a taken for granted component of being a woman in this culture. "

"Being alone well isn’t really about developing hobbies and interests and things to do when alone. Developing the capacity to be alone well means developing a greater tolerance for, and intimacy with, your experience — the emotional, cognitive, visceral, imaginative, and sensory moment-to-moment arisings that constitute your basic aliveness. Many of us live in a state of chronic distraction from our experience. Being alone well means being capable of entering more fully into your experience. It’s about cultivating more unmediated presence to your experience and to the real, concrete world that surrounds you. "

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with anxious/abandonment issues? Since I was a child (I'm 47 now) I've had an anxious style of attachment and seem to continue involving myself with avoidant types. I feel like I continue to try and "learn" the same lesson over and over. How do I become more secure within myself and not be afraid to make hard decisions just because I'm afraid of being alone or not finding the right person?

I see the issue as your mindset -as if you are the victim of this label you've chosen - "seem to" - it's not seem to - you make choices to interact with certain people and to get involved with them. You can make different choices -it's that simple even if it's not easy. I'd avoid getting mired down in labels and the overthinking that those labels allow you to indulge in - because it's harder to take responsibility and to take action over what you can control. If you accept that it's directly tied to the choices you make you'll stop treating it as a passive matter where you're the victim of "seem to".

I suggest Martha Beck's teachings on this sort of topic. Good luck!

Avoid "avoidant" types or emotionally unavailable individuals. If you find yourself yearning for company, regardless of the quality of that company, resist the urge to fall into that trap.

Usually when you are drawn to avoidant types, on some deep level you are being avoidant yourself. You want a relationship, but are also afraid of real commitment. Sure, you may invest a lot into that relationship, but deep down you already know it's never going to go anywhere, so it's kind of safe to invest. You may not be conscious of that though, so there is something to think about for you. Like tends to attract like.

It's kind of an interesting phenomenon in that those who are avoidant also have abandonment issues, thus the hot/cold, on/off behaviors.

I can only speak for myself. When my people-picker was off and I kept involving myself with the wrong people, I decided to 'embrace' my fear of being alone--by being alone.

I didn't just end up tolerating it, I ended up thriving. Today I won't involve myself beyond a civil acquaintanceship with anyone who doesn't bring real value to my life. Sometimes this means walking away from certain people completely if they demo a potential to ROB value from my life.

So I don't view working backwards as an option. If I'm already self sufficient, then there's no need to try to impose my ideals on anyone else. I select good matches for friends and lovers, and it's no skin off my back to allow family to be who they are, and I invest the amount of time that I want to spend with each accordingly.

If a lover isn't a good match for you, that doesn't make either of you a villain. It just means that pretzeling yourself to conform or expecting them to do that won't transform a bad match into a good one.