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Thread: First time ever sharing, desperate for input. My gf threatens our relationship a

  1. #1

    First time ever sharing, desperate for input. My gf threatens our relationship a

    I've currently been dating my partner for 2 years and it has been a roller coaster of events.We currently live together since I brought her in my home when she first lost her job and couldn't afford her apartment 4 months in our relationship and I felt she was the one so I happily paid for all expenses including trips out of pocket for the first year. Now after this pandemic I've lost my job I've been forced to depend on her.

    Too add some context:

    My partner isn't the best person when she gets drunk. She can become verbally vicious and at times has taken it up to an extreme notch. I've forgiven her in the past multiple times since her upbringing wasn't the best due to being put up for adoption at a very young age and going from house to house, we've had moments where I've had hope placed in me that things will get better but something always happens that robs me off those feelings. (i.e AA, therapy)

    We've been in multiple trips together where I noticed once her speech begins to slur after having drinks, I have to be very careful what I say or do around her since it will trigger something from her to say hurtful things and at times get physical. After a night of drinking she wakes up feeling brand new and can't remember what she's done and always feels apologetic which is why I've forgiven her a lot in the past. I've reached out to her sibling for advice in the past, but was told "you have to standby her no matter what", after time progressed I realized that her sibling also has trouble in his own relationship due to drinking. I can't really go to my friend's for this since they would view her and myself in a different light (perhaps in a form of emasculation). Recently we went to a party at her sibling's house where I arrived late since I had agreed to go to the gym with friends, everyone knew this already. When I arrived she was already looking sloppy and I immediately knew I had to be very careful not to say or do the wrong thing since she can make a scene. I borrowed her car which I told her and everyone at the party I would be going home to change since I was still in gym clothes. Everyone at the party understood and was excited I would be coming back to join them. When I got home I hopped into the shower, that's where I began to get angry messages from her and stating that I was an for taking her keys and as well for being incapable of apologizing for small things (this is where I realized she held resentment from for trivial arguments at home) she kept stating she's going to move out, lawyer up to get back things she's helped me out with, that she knows she can get emotional when she's drunk but she's standing firm on this.

    The next morning she sent paragraphs apologizing and saying she had no recollection of me ever being at the party and things she needs to take it easy on the drinks, in which I never responded back. I was going out of town that day due to a potential employer/startup opportunity but I had nothing to say to her, her brother called me saying that I have to think how she would feel if her partner wouldn't speak to her a single word before going out of town. I ignored him and went on a trip, once I returned he and his partner shared their feelings of disapproval of my way of handling this situation by stating it's a " move". I have returned home and still haven't properly said anything to my partner since I have no idea what to say and I'm trying to figure out what my next move is since I'm not in a position of control. There are things I do that would frustrate her which I understand but not enough to be able to threaten a relationship I believe.

    How does one bounce back from this? She doesn't drink religiously but whenever she sporadically drinks she becomes someone else I truly dislike.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    You can't "bounce back" because you know it will happen again and again and again.

    She is a binge drinker addicted to alcohol. She needs professional help.

    And of course addicts will say they're not addicted! They don't want to stop.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    If it's your house, why aren't you in control?

    Alcoholics only get worse, never better. So know this will not get better.

    Tell her brother and his partner to mind their own business and tell your partner to get help or end it and mean it. If your bluff gets called and You don't follow thru, you will never be able to regain respect.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. She's a problem drinker and you need to end it. Stop depending on her and putting up with blackouts, abuse and drama. Your life will get worse no better until you sever things.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Nortilus32
    I have no idea what to say and I'm trying to figure out what my next move is since I'm not in a position of control. There are things I do that would frustrate her which I understand but not enough to be able to threaten a relationship I believe.

    How does one bounce back from this? She doesn't drink religiously but whenever she sporadically drinks she becomes someone else I truly dislike.
    What do you mean by this, exactly? That you are now financially dependent on her and can't break up with her and ask her to leave?

    Her brother needs to stay out of this, so don't respond to any more nudging from him. You need to decide if you genuinely still want this relaitonship. This isn't a small blip that one bounces back from; it's been a problem for a long time, and it's unacceptable. It's not clear if she's actually tried therapy or AA - has she? Or are you past the point of wanting to try to make this work?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    It's not just the alcohol...she is in denial. She is an alcoholic. Note: there is usually an underlining metal illness there like bi-polar, BPD. People think an alcoholic is someone that's in the gutter, living on the street. No, it's someone who, when they drink, blackout, don't remember, act out, and don't take any real accountability for their actions. They apologize sure...but actions speak louder than words don't they. She has no intention of stopping as long as you stick by her and do nothing. The brother is pissed at your silent treatment, because he's getting the brunt of her abuse for it. That's what they do, they just find someone else to lash out on. You need to leave, walk away. The only way this will change is when she hits rock bottom, get arrested, maybe get beat for opening her yapper to the wrong person. You cannot force a person into treatment or therapy. So far she seems to hear it that she does have a problem, but she refuses to acknowledge it.

  8. #7
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    Never, ever, excuse one’s abusive behavior on childhood. She is an adult.

    She is an abusive addict. If she doesn’t want to get help, I would suggest ending it. You should also address your codependency .

    How can you stay with someone that you are embarrassed to share with friends and family? Is she parent material?

  9. #8
    Yes, I'm financially dependent on her so it makes it difficult to break up with her.

    I really appreciate the input thank you so much.

  10. #9
    Thank you for your input, I really appreciate you

  11. #10
    Originally Posted by smackie9
    It's not just the alcohol...she is in denial. She is an alcoholic. Note: there is usually an underlining metal illness there like bi-polar, BPD. People think an alcoholic is someone that's in the gutter, living on the street. No, it's someone who, when they drink, blackout, don't remember, act out, and don't take any real accountability for their actions. They apologize sure...but actions speak louder than words don't they. She has no intention of stopping as long as you stick by her and do nothing. The brother is pissed at your silent treatment, because he's getting the brunt of her abuse for it. That's what they do, they just find someone else to lash out on. You need to leave, walk away. The only way this will change is when she hits rock bottom, get arrested, maybe get beat for opening her yapper to the wrong person. You cannot force a person into treatment or therapy. So far she seems to hear it that she does have a problem, but she refuses to acknowledge it.
    I'm learning how to work this site. But thank you so much for your input

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