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Thread: First time ever sharing, desperate for input. My gf threatens our relationship a

  1. #11
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Never, ever, excuse one’s abusive behavior on childhood. She is an adult.

    She is an abusive addict. If she doesn’t want to get help, I would suggest ending it. You should also address your codependency .

    How can you stay with someone that you are embarrassed to share with friends and family? Is she parent material?
    She does well with my family and friends but once she gets enough alcohol in her i immediately have to be mindful of what I say.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do whatever you can to get any sort of job you can. Anything. Also consider moving in with friends or family for a while. Look up Al-Anon. it's for people like you who have alcoholics causing problems in their lives. You're lucky, you can walk away. This is not a parent or someone you have to deal with.

    Your lack of independence is clouding your judgement and making you feel trapped.

    Get to social services for employment, food, housing and medical care help. Stop pretending it will get better. You know it won't. Stop driving her car stop taking her money.
    Originally Posted by Nortilus32
    Yes, I'm financially dependent on her so it makes it difficult to break up with her.

  3. #13
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Do whatever you can to get any sort of job you can. Anything. Also consider moving in with friends or family for a while. Look up Al-Anon. it's for people like you who have alcoholics causing problems in their lives. You're lucky, you can walk away. This is not a parent or someone you have to deal with.

    Your lack of independence is clouding your judgement and making you feel trapped.

    Get to social services for employment, food, housing and medical care help. Stop pretending it will get better. You know it won't. Stop driving her car stop taking her money.
    Thank you, I appreciate your feedback.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Nortilus32
    Yes, I'm financially dependent on her so it makes it difficult to break up with her.
    Would you have broken up with her if finances weren't an issue?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    Even tho some jobs have disappeared, new ones have been created because of the Pandemic. I hope you find employment soon. But I agree, you need to reach out to friends/family. You would be surprised how willing people are to help out any way they can.

  7. #16
    I feel that I would. I think is living together isn't doing us well either.

  8. #17
    You're not the first person to mention BPD.
    I've done my best as her partner and of course I'm flawed like anyone else but one of the most common things she always tells me is that I don't understand how to communicate to her which baffles me since I have always excelled in communicating with other partners and friends as well.

  9. #18
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    First of all, that's sad that you feel you can't talk to any of your friends or family about it because you feel "emasculated". If you were a woman, would you feel like you have every right to open up to people and that your partner is an emotional abuser? Just because you're a man doesn't mean you are weak if you talk about what's happening. And just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can get away with emotionally, and at times even physically abusing you. Try to imagine that your sister (if you have one) or female friend was telling you all this and her partner was male. What would you think of her partner and what advice would you give her? Now give that advice to yourself.

    Don't listen to the brother and his partner. For one thing, they can't message you telling you what to do in your relationship and meddling. It's none of their business. Secondly, it's very obvious they don't care about your side of the story and they will always just take her side, no questions asked. This is provided that these situations are between you and your girlfriend, so they don't have a right to just message you and tell you what to do. I wouldn't listen to the brother at all because he's an alcoholic himself. Of course he's going to say her behaviour is fine because that's his behaviour too!

    Your girlfriend has some serious issues and she doesn't want to take any responsibility for them. She has no excuse as to why she's verbally and sometimes even physically abusive to you. It doesn't matter that she can't remember what she said or did. The point is she always does it and she knows she does it. She is aware of it, trust me. She has all the messages on her phone that she sends you. So the excuse that she can't remember is complete bs. She knows what she's doing but essentially she doesn't want to change. She doesn't want to get any help with her drinking. She's in complete denial because her drinking is very dangerous. If she has no memory of anything, literally anything bad could happen to her. Not to mention her disgusting behaviours. There are not two of her - the sober her and the drunk her. She is still one person and this is exactly who she is. Essentially I would say she's an addict, an alcoholic. She knows how she behaves and what she's doing to you but she can't stop. Or doesn't actually want to stop.

    Personally I wouldn't continue dating her. There are way too many red flags. You keep thinking she'll change. But it's been two years and there's no difference. Also if she doesn't even acknowledge that she needs help or tries to get help, the chance of her changing is a big fat zero. To change you would actually want to, and she doesn't want to. Not to mention you'll be stuck with her brother, who is also an alcoholic and he meddles and sticks his nose in your relationship. And his advice "Stand by her no matter what" is total garbage. You don't stand by someone who repeatedly treats you horrible.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Nortilus32
    You're not the first person to mention BPD.
    An ex-boyfriend of mine was BPD (as diagnosed by two different psychiatrists) In my experience, symptoms don't show up only when the sufferer has been drinking; thus, I'm not sure if that's what's going on with her, as you said that when she's sober, things are usually fine (correct me if I'm wrong, though) Of course different people experience the disorder in different ways, but I think you'd be seeing a lot more volatility even when she's totally sober if it were BPD.

    In any case, it sounds as though you might be leaning towards just wanting out. There is obviously a lot of pent-up frustration and resentment between you two and it's taken its toll. It doesn't matter if comes out only when she's drinking. The damage is just as profound. My guess is that she will offer to finally seek some consistent help with her issues, but are you willing to stick it out? Or do you just want this to be over? Neither is right or wrong; it all depends on where your heart and mind are.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't waste any more time trying to diagnose her. Put all your energy into getting on your feet and getting out.
    You're not a psychiatrist. You are in denial about the alcohol.
    Originally Posted by Nortilus32
    I feel that I would. I think is living together isn't doing us well either.

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