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How do all these happy couples seem to find each other?


decibelx

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Either my luck is rotten, because I seem to attract people who are dead set on taking advantage of me, or these people have some secret formula to a successful dating life. I've tried dating apps, but I find them superficial and the people on there to be typically be flaky. Where do adults above the age of 25 actually meet each other?

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Do you have a type that you tend to seek / date?

 

Have you tried dating people outside of your typical type?

 

What are reasons that you rejected others before? Either on a dating site or in person?

 

I truly don't have a type. I only respond to attention from women who initiate as it lets me know they're interested, but somehow they are the ones who are ever ready to play me. I haven't outright rejected anyone either, because I wasn't actively seeking before as I am now.

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What is your definition of someone "dead set on taking advantage" of you? I ask in reference to your previous post, and seeing this one pop up after a disappointing date. Just hope that you haven't grouped this young woman into being "another" human out to "play" you simply because it didn't all go exactly the way you wanted it to.

 

One thing I notice, out in the world and on this site? People seem to really take it personally when someone refuses to be exactly who they want them to be, which is to say when someone refuses to be really, really into us, 4eva. That attitude makes connections pretty tough, to say nothing of exploring the possibility of a connection. Very binary: people are either awesome and amazing (because they give us attention) or malicious and flaky players (because they stop or display a quality we don't like). Zoom out a few degrees and that's kind of taking advantage of another person, in that its using them polish your shine and getting annoyed at them when they stop polishing.

 

You say you are "actively" seeking, but you've described a passive approach. You stand still, responding only to people who show you attention and initiate? I could see a version of that working for, I don't know, Brad Pitt. But I'm not sure it's the healthiest approach even for a celebrity who could pull it off, as that's just thirst attracting thirst, surface level stuff that isn't sincere or authentically sticky. From one angle it's arrogant and entitled. From another, it's skittish and wounded. From yet another, kind of shallow, in that it means the quality in another person you find most compelling is that they are into you.

 

In your shoes? I'd give some thought to what you're looking for, aside from someone who shows you attention. That's just the candy. What qualities in yourself do you want seen, appreciated, cherished, eventually shared? Focus on those, and then cultivate them in the world at large. Take comfort and joy in them, so when you're "seeking" you're seeking someone who meets you on that level, and someone who has their own qualities (aside from sparkly stuff) that appeal to you. Be more proactive, rather than simply reactive, which is to say find a way to be open without being naive. Ask people out, but don't do so expecting that it's their role on planet earth to say yes.

 

Adults over 25—and 35, and 55—meet people everywhere. Bars and parties and dating apps. Park benches. Through friends. Through hobbies. At church, in school. There's no formula. Really helps to know what you're looking for, and to be confident in your own skin before you find it, so you're not easily blown around by the winds of attention and can assess people in more nuanced way, and be assessed with nuance in return.

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I truly don't have a type. I only respond to attention from women who initiate as it lets me know they're interested, but somehow they are the ones who are ever ready to play me. I haven't outright rejected anyone either, because I wasn't actively seeking before as I am now.

 

What if the woman who's right for you is using your approach, only responding to attention from men who initiate?

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You're an adult returning to college so you are older and see a lot of college romances, but can't date there because they are in a different life stage. That leaves you with outside clubs groups and interests.

Where do adults above the age of 25 actually meet each other?
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A lot of my friends met through mutual friends as they've done their homework for you.

 

Some people meet at church, ministry groups, Bible study groups, singles groups at church, serving (volunteering) for the community and charitable good works. Empathetic types are doing the same activities.

 

I never had any luck in the dating world. I never dated in high school nor college. Then after college, I only attracted duds. I gave up so I concentrated on myself. I exercised, ate right, pursued intellectual pursuits, had hobbies, lost 35 pounds, concentrated on ascending in my career and without even trying, I began garnering attention automatically without any effort on my part. The most eligible bachelors started taking notice and I didn't even have to try to seek attention. Why? Because success attracts success.

 

Then once that started happening, it was my turn to afford to become very picky and choosy. Duds weren't good enough for me. Eventually, I whittled down my choices to one man, my husband. He grew up in a very stable, loving, normal, Christian home which was important to me. He has amazing parents and two younger siblings. We dated for several months, engaged within a year and married the following year. Fast forward and now we have two incredible sons and the white picket fence in suburbia.

 

Birds of a feather flock together. Shop around.

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What is your definition of someone "dead set on taking advantage" of you? I ask in reference to your previous post, and seeing this one pop up after a disappointing date. Just hope that you haven't grouped this young woman into being "another" human out to "play" you simply because it didn't all go exactly the way you wanted it to.

 

One thing I notice, out in the world and on this site? People seem to really take it personally when someone refuses to be exactly who they want them to be, which is to say when someone refuses to be really, really into us, 4eva. That attitude makes connections pretty tough, to say nothing of exploring the possibility of a connection. Very binary: people are either awesome and amazing (because they give us attention) or malicious and flaky players (because they stop or display a quality we don't like). Zoom out a few degrees and that's kind of taking advantage of another person, in that its using them polish your shine and getting annoyed at them when they stop polishing.

 

You say you are "actively" seeking, but you've described a passive approach. You stand still, responding only to people who show you attention and initiate? I could see a version of that working for, I don't know, Brad Pitt. But I'm not sure it's the healthiest approach even for a celebrity who could pull it off, as that's just thirst attracting thirst, surface level stuff that isn't sincere or authentically sticky. From one angle it's arrogant and entitled. From another, it's skittish and wounded. From yet another, kind of shallow, in that it means the quality in another person you find most compelling is that they are into you.

 

In your shoes? I'd give some thought to what you're looking for, aside from someone who shows you attention. That's just the candy. What qualities in yourself do you want seen, appreciated, cherished, eventually shared? Focus on those, and then cultivate them in the world at large. Take comfort and joy in them, so when you're "seeking" you're seeking someone who meets you on that level, and someone who has their own qualities (aside from sparkly stuff) that appeal to you. Be more proactive, rather than simply reactive, which is to say find a way to be open without being naive. Ask people out, but don't do so expecting that it's their role on planet earth to say yes.

 

Adults over 25—and 35, and 55—meet people everywhere. Bars and parties and dating apps. Park benches. Through friends. Through hobbies. At church, in school. There's no formula. Really helps to know what you're looking for, and to be confident in your own skin before you find it, so you're not easily blown around by the winds of attention and can assess people in more nuanced way, and be assessed with nuance in return.

 

Hey Bluecastle, yeah I remember you from my other post. This isn't about that girl in particular though. I've accepted our differences and am not pursuing that anymore. I guess this is just me venting my frustrations from previous dating experience. It was the same with women around my age as well. And yeah, I only recently decided I wanted to start dating more actively. I did take a more passive stance before.

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What happened to the date yesterday? Did she cancel or was she inappropriate?

 

It went well actually, but other than mutual interest, we didn't have much else in common. And as multiple people on the post mentioned, it was apparent that we aren't at the same stages in life.

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I found that you don't find them, they find you. A chance meeting. Difficult to do these days, but having a social circle, and busy with outside activities is how you meet someone.

 

Ditto. From what I've observed, when you actively seek it out there is a good chance you will only frustrate yourself more as things don't work out how you want them to. Or you will drive yourself crazy by convincing yourself this a good relationship there when it's really more harm then good. On the other hand, when you are not looking, it creeps up on you and takes you by surprise. The key is to grab onto it once it finds you. So the best course is to focus on you and do what brings you joy. The rest comes it it's own time.

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After 25 it was through friends, through work, through coworkers, at work, through and at volunteer work, through dating sites, through religious organizations, former classmates from grad school, at grad school. I met my husband originally at work when we were in our late 20s. But we didn't marry till our early 40s. It was partly luck and partly because I had to become the right person to find the right person. I know it's hard -I dated on and off for 24 years. but because I wanted marriage and family to me it was totally worth it.

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