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My B/F & my sister-in-law interested in each other?


Cindylou2

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I am worried my boyfriend and my Sister in law have a thing for each other. They are both flirts. My sister in law drinks wine and she gets all lovey dovey and schmoozy after a couple glasses of wine and everytime i have a new boyfriend she gets flirty with them and its getting to the point that its making me very mad. Its gotten to the point with my most recent boyfriend that i am avoiding visitation with my own brother just to avoid this situation.

My boyfriend who is also a flirt even w/o drinking but give him a couple drinks and he crosses my boundaries when it comes to flirting. So we kind of avoid drinking in public. When we are at my bro and SIL's house she won't leave my boyfriend's sight and one day recently she asked for my boyfriend's phone number and out of the corner of my eye i caught them giving each other the eye stare. Then when we are leaving she wraps her arms around my boyfriend's neck and kisses him on the cheek near his mouth i think only because i was standing near him saying goodbye to my brother.

I used to really like her but now she is making me sick. How can she be so disrespectful to my brother and undermine thier relationship. My brother acts aloof but i just bet given the chance she would jump at the chance to bed my boyfriend. I dont trust neither one. I am trying to rebuild trust in my boyfriend after he did something to break my trust and this surely doesn't help.

Just a couple days i caught my boyfriend eyeballing a pretty lady at a store. I know his body language . He moved in real close to her as we were walking out ( i was behind him) and slowed down as we were walking past her desk. Its as if he wants to be acknowledged just to see if she was interested. She looked up at him and smiled and said goodbye. This makes me feel so insignificant. We had an all out argument over it and i told him how this makes me mad when he does stuff like that & how it makes me feel.. i have no desire to do anything like that to him. I only have eyes for him so this makes me wonder just how much he loves me if he keeps chasing someone elses tail.

So, now that we have a somewhat close relationship with my brother i dont know how to react or how to intervene because i have a temper and i m afraid when i blow its going to end my relationship with my brother. I want to see my brother but i cant stand my b/f & my SIL flirting with each other. It really bothers me and make my visit with my brother very uncomfortable.

How can i approach this situation without coming right out with accusations and making things ugly?

I feel like my feelings are always getting challenged. I know i do have problems with insecurities and i'm trying to work on them but things like this doesn't help. 😔

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While I think it's natural to notice someone you find attractive, you don't act on it if you are in a relationship. And you especially don't act on it with your partner right there! If he is openly flirting when you are around, how can you trust him when you are? If you have tried to talk to him about it and he still does it, then he is disrespecting you and valuing your relationship. You deserve better then him.

 

Your brother also doesn't deserve this from his wife. Talk to him and let him know your concerns. Then let him work out his own relationship.

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Some people need that attention and to feel sexually appealing all the time. It's a lot of insecurities. I could tell you so many stories it would fill the night. Maybe we could both use a bottle of wine too. The only advice I can give you is to come back to yourself. Right now you're feeling angry, hurt, indignant and well, most of all, hurt. Don't throw yourself out too far with those emotions getting angry and upset. Come on back to yourself and focus on staying calm.

 

Think clearly if you can and ask yourself what all those feelings are telling you. Take a long, hard look at your boyfriend not as a boyfriend but as a man - another person - and start asking whether this is the kind of person you want to be around. Does he inspire you? If you have an idea of how a couple ought to treat each other, is this what it would look like? Do you have basic requirements in a relationship such as courtesy and respect that don't warrant "talks" or discussions? Does this person really need to be told anything?

 

In the end you answer to yourself at the end of each long day. Can you answer to yourself those questions and rest easy?

 

Take a time out, stay calm, think clearly and take a few big steps outside of the situation. Then look in. What else do you see?

 

We can hand you all the answers. The important part is that you really see what's happening. That's when you know when to draw the line and set your own boundaries and figure out where your limitations lie.

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No trust=no relationship. You don't trust your boyfriend. Staying on in such a situation is toxic. Having to police his body language is exhausting and no way to live your life. Imo, you should break up.

 

As for your SIL, stop bringing your boyfriends around her if she always behaves inappropriately. Visit your brother on your own. In any case, your boyfriend is the one who has the primary responsibility to mind your feelings.

 

It sounds like you are choosing to stay on and engage in these toxic situations when in reality you can choose not to engage these two people I.e. break up with your boyfriend and don't bring your boyfriends around your SIL unless you cannot avoid it.

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You can't control your SIL nor your boyfriend. What you can control is choosing a boyfriend with integrity and a boyfriend who knows how to handle certain challenging people and situations astutely.

 

If you choose not to dissolve your relationship with your boyfriend, confronting your boyfriend and / or SIL will get ugly. Sometimes an argument has to get ugly in order to get results in your favor but often times an ugly confrontation only makes things worse. :upset:

 

This 'in your face' flirtatious behavior has nothing to do with your insecurities. What's going on here is disrespectful behavior with your SIL and your boyfriend. They aren't exercising common sense boundaries. I doubt you can change their personalities and warped characters.

 

Only a man who knows how to behave honorably and knows how to handle challenging situations is the type of man for you. Anyone else is a nasty argument away from total disaster.

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Since you don’t trust your bf, there is no point in continuing your relationship with him.

 

This is irrelevant to whether or not he is trustworthy.

 

Your SIL’s behaviour is out of your control.

When you next introduce a bf to her, if he doesn’t shut down her behaviour to him then you talk to him and let him know that it’s unnacceptable to you. One chance only.

 

There will be guys you date who will be entirely on board with your boundaries so good luck finding him!

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I think maybe your boyfriend's gonna have to go. You say he's a flirt even without drinking. Why do you want someone like that! If you only have eyes for him then don't you want to have someone who only has eyes for you? Why do you want a constant flirt who is even hitting on your brother's wife? But regarding your SIL, I think you should ask her to talk one-on-one and confront her. It's unacceptable that she flirts with all your boyfriends and it's also disrespectful to your brother. She has a nerve asking for your boyfriend's number! Tell her she can't have it. She needs to be told firmly that you don't appreciate her behaviour.

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Eww. I would not tolerate this.

 

1. This boyfriend would be dumped.

 

2. SIL would put on notice don't flirt with my boyfriends if she wants a relationship with me. Say it in private to her and be a sweetie to her in front of others.

 

I'd play that little game with her. Deny saying anything to her... be a real witch. Keep your bro out of it. You don't know what she's talking about. Make her the crazy one.

 

Disrespect me and bro? I don't think so.

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Dump the BF. There are plenty of guys that are respectful to their SO.

 

Secondly, have a serious talk with your brother about his wife's behavior. Give him a chance to deal with her first. Tell him if he doesn't set some boundaries with her, you are not going to bring anyone over again. AND you will have a talk with her directly if he does nothing about it. His choice.

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Thanks so much for all your responses, My deepest gratitude to all of you!

This is the place to come for thoughtful advice for sure.

 

I know all of you are right and all of you are saying i should dump him. I am considering it. It seems i dont have good luck with men. I always pick ones not right for me. This guy has been single for many years so apparently this is how he behaved, maybe like the old saying goes " habits are hard to break" but he should realize you dont behave like that when you accept being in a committed relationship.

The thing is my brother wants us to go with them on a trip with them over a 4 day weekend. My brother & my boyfriend love fishing and so they planned this weekend getaway so we could fish and do some sightseeing. My stomach is turning at the thought of this.

I wanted to talk to him about this and let him know how i feel about his behavior with SIL before the trip but i just dont know how to say it to him because he always says i "overthink" these situations and that he isn't a jealous person and i shouldnt be either. So this tells me that he doesnt care about my feelings. Idk, maybe i am overthinking and i dont want him to feel he has to walk on eggshells around me. I am a jealous & insecure person so i know some of this is my own issues.

Yet, i hate always feeling like im always having to watch him and protecting my heart.

As far as my SIL is concerned, i havent talked to her much at all. She basically never calls or texts me but she does to her friends & coworkers, so i never hear from her. And when i texted her in the past she would either not respond or gives me short answers but when i am at their house she is all talkative and lovey dovey. I feel its all a front. I think she wants my brother to see how sweet she is around me. Its amazing how friendly and chummy she is in person.

My brother adores her. She is smart, attractive and has a great high postion job and she knows it. When we are visiting i get to listen to her job accomplishments. All she does lately is bragg about her job. I am happy for her accomplishments. She studied in college for years for it. Kuddo's to her.

It makes me wonder since she is so high on herself if she has cheated on my brother. They have been married nearly 25 yrs. But i sense she needs some 'spice' in her life and thats why she seems to like my b/f.

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Do not talk at him yet again. Instead, observe his behavior since he's already heard and responded to all your concerns. As far as your SIL and brother leave them alone. Their relationship in none of your business.

I wanted to talk to him about this and let him know how i feel about his behavior with SIL before the trip but i just dont know how to say it to him because

 

he always says i "overthink" these situations and that he isn't a jealous person and i shouldnt be either.

 

My brother adores her.

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You can't control your SIL nor your boyfriend. What you can control is choosing a boyfriend with integrity and a boyfriend who knows how to handle certain challenging people and situations astutely.

 

If you choose not to dissolve your relationship with your boyfriend, confronting your boyfriend and / or SIL will get ugly. Sometimes an argument has to get ugly in order to get results in your favor but often times an ugly confrontation only makes things worse. :upset:

 

This 'in your face' flirtatious behavior has nothing to do with your insecurities. What's going on here is disrespectful behavior with your SIL and your boyfriend. They aren't exercising common sense boundaries. I doubt you can change their personalities and warped characters.

 

Only a man who knows how to behave honorably and knows how to handle challenging situations is the type of man for you. Anyone else is a nasty argument away from total disaster.

 

Yes this -totally agree.

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"You can't teach an old dog new tricks." If your boyfriend has been this way for awhile, there's probably not much you can do about it. He needs to eventually learn for himself how to treat a woman. You should be with someone who already knows that and will treat you with respect. Good guys are out there, they just take a bit longer to find.

 

We unfortunately can't choose who are siblings fall in love with. If your brother loves this woman that much, you are probably stuck with her. My best friend can't stand the woman her brother married as they are complete opposites. The SIL sounds similar to yours in that they focus a lot on money and status. So my friend basically avoids contact as much as possible and instead just writes to her brother. They only really have to interact for Christmas and then it's mostly about their children. If you can do something similar, it might help. Write to your brother, but limit contact with the SIL. As much as you want to look out for his heart, he has to deal with his own relationship. There may be things going on there you aren't aware. Just be ready to be there for your brother if he ever does come to you. Trust that he'll do what's right for him.

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You already know that your boyfriend is going to behave badly, which is why you are already cringing.

 

When it gets to this point, it's time to dump him. He's not a good boyfriend, and no you are not overthinking things. I doubt any woman would want a man who behaves like this.

Totally disrespectful and it is very hurtful.

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When you dump someone, you don't need their permission. They don't have to agree with your reason.

 

It is actually really condescending, for him to say, since he isn't a jealous type, you shouldn't be.

 

Its gaslighting you, to pretend that what you are seeing isn't happening.

 

Don't let peer pressure make you do something, you know you don't want to do.

 

I think i understand where you are coming from... you want to control this situation while still in the relationship. And you simply can't control another person.

 

You can try talking to him but what are you going to say?

 

"I don't want to go on the trip

because I don't trust that you won't flirt or worse with my SIL"?

 

that is the truth... Right? but then why are you with this guy? This is horrible for your mental health.

 

You want something from this guy, he doesn't have it to give.

 

You can keep banging head or you can stop. remember that

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He needs to go for a variety of reasons already covered.

As far as you SIL, that's her husband's problem and honestly you should have enough faith in your man and he should have the integrity it takes to put her in her place.

Right now, you have neither.

Start by letting him go. You alluded to something happening prior to all of this that already led you to not trust him.

He's your problem.

The SIL is your brothers.

Distance yourself from both.

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I agree Fenix Reborn. This is why i am having a hard time trusting when my back is turned. I do feel he is devaluing our realtionship. I already talked to him about his flirting behaviors. Now comes test. I just dont think he sees it from a womans prospective.

Maybe he's niave?

He has been the most affectionate, giving, loving guy i have ever been. Always telling sincerely how much he loves me or adores me. He always makes me feel loved. ... Except when it comes to this. So since i have let my feelings be known to him i think i can give him one more chance. If i see any flirting from him i will be done. I will leave him immediately. My heart wont take it anymore.

My heartfelt thanks to you for your thoughts and advice 🤗

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Thank you Rose Mosse for your advice. I have been feeling angry but now i have given it some time & space and i am calmer now.

Like I told O.P. i will give him one more chance to be right with this.

Even though like you said "some people need that attention and to feel sexually appealing all the time." I feel if you are in a relationship and you feel you need to do that then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

 

Its confusing to me though that i feel he is very sincere when he says he loves me and always trying to please me and make me happy ( but he is a people pleaser though) and then do that to me. Its just confusing to me. My head is swinging.

Lately, i have taken a step back looking from the outside in and i see the man or person he is. He is a charmer for sure, people pleaser, somewhat attractive. Risky, a bit on the wild side, loves to spend money, kind to animals. Yes, he does inspire me! And he's very supportive in anything iwant to do.

 

But all in all he only gets one more chance and im done. I wontbe able to handle my heartbreak again.

 

Thanks so much Rose

 

 

Some people need that attention and to feel sexually appealing all the time. It's a lot of insecurities. I could tell you so many stories it would fill the night. Maybe we could both use a bottle of wine too. The only advice I can give you is to come back to yourself. Right now you're feeling angry, hurt, indignant and well, most of all, hurt. Don't throw yourself out too far with those emotions getting angry and upset. Come on back to yourself and focus on staying calm.

 

Think clearly if you can and ask yourself what all those feelings are telling you. Take a long, hard look at your boyfriend not as a boyfriend but as a man - another person - and start asking whether this is the kind of person you want to be around. Does he inspire you? If you have an idea of how a couple ought to treat each other, is this what it would look like? Do you have basic requirements in a relationship such as courtesy and respect that don't warrant "talks" or discussions? Does this person really need to be told anything?

 

In the end you answer to yourself at the end of each long day. Can you answer to yourself those questions and rest easy?

 

Take a time out, stay calm, think clearly and take a few big steps outside of the situation. Then look in. What else do you see?

 

We can hand you all the answers. The important part is that you really see what's happening. That's when you know when to draw the line and set your own boundaries and figure out where your limitations lie.

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Many thanks Clio!

"No trust=no relationship. You don't trust your boyfriend. Staying on in such a situation is toxic. Having to police his body language is exhausting and no way to live your life. Imo, you should break up"

I couldnt have said it any better! And i am getting tired of "policing his body language".

I never thought of it that way but that's what it is.

 

"It sounds like you are choosing to stay on and engage in these toxic situations when in reality you can choose not to engage these two people I.e. break up with your boyfriend and don't bring your boyfriends around your SIL unless you cannot avoid it."

 

Yes, i believe for now i will stay in thus relationship like I told other posters here. I will give him one more chance thats it. I dont think i will have any problems leaving him after that and i will not bring any future b/f around my SIL period!

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