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Grieving the loss of my dog...worst thing I've ever experienced


Pretzel

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Hi everyone,

I'm posting here because I wonder if there's anyone who can relate, there isn't as much on grieving a pet as there is people, but I've come to realise it's no different. My darling girl Delilah passed away in a dramatic turn of events about 10 days ago and it's shattered my world. I didn't even realise how much it could possibly hurt. Everything seems meaningless and my life is empty without my best friend by my side. I rescued her from a shelter 10 years ago, and we've been joined ever since, and deeply loved each other. Early morning the other week, out of the blue, she started to act sick and started collapsing, long story short we ended up in emergency in the middle of the night, after the day vet's visit didn't do anything at all other than administer diazepam to calm her until the next morning. They scanned her at emergency in the middle of the night and found an huge tumour on either her spleen or liver. She was probably about 13 yrs old, exact age unknown. They told me surgery wouldn't be feasible at her age, as she likely couldn't handle it and all her other organs were shutting down because of the tumour. And they said if it were cancerous which they think it likely was, the surgery wouldn't cure the cancer. This all become known to me in that moment and she was taken from me like a bolt of lightening over night. The day prior, she was running around blissful under the blue sky. I still can't quite believe it. They told me the kindest thing was to put her down. So I held her head as they did it. And the loss I have felt since then has been tremendous. I can't stop breaking down over it. Everything at home reminds me of her, she was everywhere. I miss her habits, our routine together, our bond, everything. I received her ashes yesterday and it set me back to day 1 again, almost like it was a reminder that she is well and truly gone and I have nothing left but a box. And her collar, and leash, all her things... her beds and food bowls. I was wondering if anyone had any wisdom to share on how to cope with all this? Feeling completely inconsolable and wish it wasn't so hard.

Thank you.

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So sorry about this. I posted a year and half ago about my cat's death. Not sure if there's anything in there that brings am ounce comfort as you go through this hard moment, but...

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558714

 

The grief of losing a pet is very real, profound. You gave Delilah a wonderful life, and she gave the same in return. That is real, and forever. Remind yourself of that during this time, and celebrate that truth as you mourn the loss. Part of how I coped was accepting that this chapter was always going to be part of the unique pact between human and animal: that our love and companionship will one day be honored through grief, so I kind of saw it as being that my last gift to her (after 16 years together) was to experience waves of feelings that, at times, bordered on unbearable.

 

Big hugs to you, and to Delilah.

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I'm so sorry. I too would be completely grief-stricken.

 

And yes, it is normal to grieve strongly. I would reach out for support to your pet loving friends and family. They will certainly understand. I would also recommend having your own private ceremony to say goodbye. Sometimes these rituals can be comforting.

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I'm very sorry to hear about the passing of your beloved dog.

 

I know how hard it must have been for you to say goodbye.

 

Reaching out to others and talking about it tends to help. I think what helped me the most was my dog that I have now that I adopted about year before my cat passed away.

 

We really do have a different type of relationship with our furry ones that are so meaningful to our entire life.

 

I hope you find comfort, little by little...

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I lost my pup in May. It is so hard and I miss her so much. They are such a special gift, unfortunately their time is too short.

 

Your loss is very fresh. Get out and try to stay busy and with time the pain will recede. One thing that does bring me joy is interacting with other pets on the street or watching them play in the dog park. Dogs are so amazing!

 

I'm sorry.

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You are doing exactly what is expected at this point. Honoring your special companion by grieving that loss. Yes, I've been grief stricken by losing many pets, and with one, I thought I kept seeing them in the house out of the corner of my eye for a few weeks. And sometimes they do go from being seemingly healthy on one day, and the next be at death's door. I still have my childhood dog's photo on my bookshelf. I had her from first grade until age nineteen. My entire childhood and teen years. I still grieve her, although not every day, of course.

 

You might choose a special photo and have it blown up or have it made into a painting. The extreme pain you have right now will lessen and be replaced by more minor grief, and hopefully the good memories will help in that process. Take care.

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I'm tremendously sorry for your loss, Pretzel.

 

From one dog lover to another:

 

Unfortunately, I can relate all too well. :upset:

 

My best friend, my amazing 14 year old Golden Retriever passed away a year and a half ago in the same way your beloved Delilah passed away. My Golden girl, husband and I took an evening walk just like any other and by the time we came home, she collapsed onto the garage floor, just like that. She couldn't move. My husband carried her into the house where she groaned in excruciating pain. We rushed her to the 24 hour vet hospital nearby at 8:30PM. The vet said her cancerous tumor burst on her liver and she was basically bleeding to death internally (hemorrhage). Google "Hemangiosarcoma" which is common in dogs. Your and my dog died of hemangiosarcoma. There was no choice except to euthanize her which was the worst day of my life. My husband and sons still have not quite recovered from our horrible loss. Not a day goes by where we don't talk about her and all the devotion and utmost loyalty she gave us during her short life.

 

My Golden Girl was supremely intelligent, calm, quiet and extremely well behaved. She was of 'Guide Dog' for the blind caliber. She was a saint. I know of no human being who ever came even close to be as decent, kind and amazing as my late Golden girl.

 

Your wounds and broken heart are still fresh. Time will heal your old wounds someday. Sadness, grief and your bereft state will always be there down deep inside your mind. However, the tears become less eventually. It took me almost a year to feel not as bad as the first several months since her passing. Some people recover faster than I did.

 

We've since donated my late Golden Retriever's dog bed and some other items to a local dog rescue. We gave her large bags of dog biscuits to our neighbor across the street since he has two dogs.

 

We often entertain the idea of acquiring another Golden Retriever puppy since it's our all time favorite dog breed (we are biased!), however, we're not ready to take on dog ownership all over again. We gave our Golden Girl a great life, however, we can't endure those excruciating good-byes again in the future. We might reconsider but we're simply not ready for dog ownership now.

 

In my Golden Girl's prime, we did everything together. We took her everywhere with us, went on outings out of town, she was at my sons' sports practices, marching band practices, parades, games, holiday parties at relatives and in-law's houses and very much part of our family life for 14 years. We took her for walks twice daily rain or shine. I donned her in a doggie rain coat. I kept her so clean everywhere all the time. I kept her so clean she didn't know what dirt was. I brushed her coat 3 times a day. I washed her paws upon entry to the house 6 times a day. I brushed her teeth every night. I made homemade dog food for her! God, how I miss her so.

 

Hang in there. As time marches on, you won't feel as awful as you do now. I've been where you are now.

 

I don't know why, but I've grieved and mourned more over losing my dog than any human I'd ever known. I can't explain it. Why is that? :eek:

 

What comforts me is knowing I'll reunite with my Golden Girl someday. Not seeing or being with her will not last forever. I will see her in heaven someday. We will romp and run together in a huge green meadow just like the good old days. :smug:

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First of all, I just want to say a huge thank you to all of you who took the time to write to me. I am so thankful that I can connect this way. It is so comforting to have this kind sympathy and understanding, and also a big thanks to those of you who have shared stories of your own.

 

I'm so sorry @Cherylyn to hear you lost your Golden Girl in this way too. You have given me hope just to know there is light at the end of the tunnel and that the pain will fade and become easier to manage. Everything you said, I can entirely relate to. The routines, the life you have together, even the cleaning I miss... I too wiped her paws every time we got back in from a walk, one by one...the teeth brushing, grooming her coat. I didn't always make homemade food but about 50% of the time I did - always with the 'goal' of making it 100% of the time one day.

 

I included Delilah in everything too, she came along with me every where and everyone knew it too, even non-dog people had to get on board with that, and have reached out to me since Delilah's passing, despite not getting how it feels, but just knowing how much she meant to me, which I thought was particularly sweet.

 

It's soothing to actually write about her. I tried journalling the other day, but it ended up just me writing to her, as if I were writing her a letter, and I ended up crying often during the process. I just realised I find it easier to write about her, rather than directly to her!

 

I wish more people admit to mourning their dogs more than people! It would make me feel less crazy :) but I really am taking this hard.

 

I have actually spent several nights in a row, up late, having googled what happened to Delilah (trying to get my head around it, as you know, when it happens like that it all just happens so fast you haven't got much time to think), and came across this long word, Hemangiosarcoma - the monster. I so wish she was not taken in this way, although many people have said to me 'you had it lucky, she only suffered a day and then she went peacefully' and 'you didn't want to see her decline over time, it was better this way'. Somehow, I just find it hard to really feel this was better. I found it traumatic. I always did right by her and found this sudden way she left so unbelievable cruel, not just for me, but I also found it hard to watch her suffer, even if it wasn't over a 'long' period of time, it *felt* like a long time even so, even if it was a day. But then again, people say, there's no 'nice' way to go, better for it to be short and quick, better it wasn't drawn out for weeks and weeks. I don't even know anymore what is best as I'm so confused, but I do wish I saw a decline, had a heads up, just so I could come to terms and process it, and my heart drops every time I think of how confused and scared she must have suddenly been. Ugh... the pain.

 

It's interesting your feelings about a new dog. Maybe i am in a 'shock' state still, but I'm desperate to fill the void and can't handle the silence, I wish i could get another dog now and fill this hole, but I know it wouldn't be right - the rational side of me says to wait, wait until I'm in a more emotionally healthy state. In the meantime, I will volunteer at a local shelter (when covid calms down), and just try to come to terms with what has happened.

 

Delilah was a staffordshire mix, I get why you'd become breed biased, I now would love another staffie and have learnt so much about the breed. But then I've also read it's best to go for a different breed when getting another dog so to avoid comparing... but i don't know, I'll give it time and see what happens later down the line. I also love the idea that they pick us, rather than the other way around :)

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You are doing exactly what is expected at this point. Honoring your special companion by grieving that loss. Yes, I've been grief stricken by losing many pets, and with one, I thought I kept seeing them in the house out of the corner of my eye for a few weeks. And sometimes they do go from being seemingly healthy on one day, and the next be at death's door. I still have my childhood dog's photo on my bookshelf. I had her from first grade until age nineteen. My entire childhood and teen years. I still grieve her, although not every day, of course.

 

You might choose a special photo and have it blown up or have it made into a painting. The extreme pain you have right now will lessen and be replaced by more minor grief, and hopefully the good memories will help in that process. Take care.

 

Thank you so much for this, I really needed to hear this. It feels good to think 'well I should be doing this' rather than to feel I need to make myself be over it and move on, when I find it so hard. Also, your dog throughout your childhood and teen years. I completely get it, they leave a mark on an era of our lives. That's half the trauma. I feel like part of my identity has been lost. For me it was later, and marked my adulthood (I was 21 when I got her), so I feel like I've only ever known my whole adult life to date with her in it. And now I'm feeling really discombobulated.

 

I would like another dog in the future, but I know very well, no dog will ever be her. All dogs are wonderful. But that dog, that bond, will forever be unique and she's the only one I shared that time with.

 

Isn't it odd how we know their lives can't be long enough, and we say we can handle it, yet when it happens it is shatters us to the core?

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So sorry about this. I posted a year and half ago about my cat's death. Not sure if there's anything in there that brings am ounce comfort as you go through this hard moment, but...

 

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=558714

 

The grief of losing a pet is very real, profound. You gave Delilah a wonderful life, and she gave the same in return. That is real, and forever. Remind yourself of that during this time, and celebrate that truth as you mourn the loss. Part of how I coped was accepting that this chapter was always going to be part of the unique pact between human and animal: that our love and companionship will one day be honored through grief, so I kind of saw it as being that my last gift to her (after 16 years together) was to experience waves of feelings that, at times, bordered on unbearable.

 

Big hugs to you, and to Delilah.

 

I just read your beautiful story on this thread. Thank you so much for sharing. I love the way you write about Blue. She sounds wonderful and you did her justice to write of her in this way. I should do the same and write about Delilah's personality in my journal. So far it's just been like writing a letter to her (which ultimately ends up in my sobbing too much). There are similarities in the timing, at the point where they entered our lives - I couldn't resist Delilah when I saw her in the shelter when i was 21 yrs old so she pretty much has 'marked' my adulthood, up until now. It was always me and her, through all the changes I was experiencing and been through in my life. She was always there, always in my shadow. Always. I didn't get as long with her because she was already 3 yrs old when I met her. She never did tell me what her old life was like, but that didn't matter once we met, she was fully committed and so was I!

 

Thank you again for writing this. I'm supposed to go on vacation with my boyfriend tomorrow, and though he's been as understanding as can be, I've been finding it really hard to get myself in the right mood, and these messages have helped.

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I'm terribly sorry, Pretzel.

 

I agree, Hemangiosarcoma is the evil monster. Unfortunately, it's a very common death sentence for millions of dogs.

 

I agree, the death of a beloved dog feels worse than mourning for people. Well, for me anyway and sounds like for you, too. I think it's because I actually hold more respect for my late dog than I do for humans. She didn't have a mean bone in her body yet humans are so worldly with their very bad behaviors. Dogs are more innocent. Dogs love you unconditionally. All they want is to be with you with zero ulterior motives unlike humans. A dog's love is so pure.

 

I think many people said the wrong comments to you. Saying, 'you had it lucky, she only suffered a day and went peacefully.' 'you didn't want to see her decline over time, it was better this way' and 'there's no nice way to go, better for it to be short and quick instead of drawn out for weeks' are NOT comforting words at all. Those words only make you feel worse than you already feel. :upset:

 

There is never a 'better' way for a dog to die and leave you. Often times the dog already feels physically awful over time and gradually before the big collapse day. They can't communicate with you and there's no way of their telling you how crummy they feel until their last day.

 

I too think of how scared and confused she must've felt. What bothers me the most is not so much their scared and confused feelings. It's the dog's excruciating pain during hemorrhaging that's the worst of all.

 

I hope you will feel comforted knowing that you gave your beloved Delilah a great, most loving life any dog could ever ask for. You both gave each other love and each side is forever grateful.

 

Give yourself time to grieve and mourn your terrible loss. I have a feeling someday soon, you will feel the need to fill your void in Delilah's loving memory. You need a healthy distraction and another dog will fill your heart with joy and keep you preoccupied on a new dog's love and devotion. A new dog will not be a substitute nor replacement for your beloved Delilah but you will grow to appreciate another dog's soul and spirit reminiscent of Delilah's. I agree, wait until your emotions have calmed down before you plunge into your next dog ownership.

 

Volunteering at a local shelter during post-COVID-19 sounds great. Also, perhaps you might consider fostering dogs for a dog rescue so they can become adoptable. With fostering, you train and socialize a dog or dogs so they will be loved and cared for by their new adoptive family. This way, you can enjoy a dog or dogs without permanent commitment since you're not ready for official new dog ownership yet. In the meantime, you can decide on dog ownership whenever you're truly ready.

 

I understand you are breed biased as am I!

 

Your Delilah crossed over the Rainbow Bridge as they say. Will Rogers said, "If there are no dogs in heaven, when I die, I want to go where they went."

 

As for my Golden Girl (my beloved late 14 year old Golden Retriever), she's waiting for me at the pearly gates. I look forward to greeting her enthusiastically and living a happily ever after with her. She is waiting for me on the other side just like Delilah is waiting for you on the other side.

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Honored my experience was revisited and the picture of little Macy who's been left behind after the loss of her partner in crime, Xena.

 

Losing a pet can gut you. That's the best word I could come up with to describe the loss. *Gutted.

 

It just seems so unfair we don't get to keep them longer. Add in the unconditional love and trust these fragile creatures have in us. The joy they bring us. Do we ever really do them justice?

 

Find comfort in the fact that you gave her a beautiful life in the short time she was here. She was lucky to have you as her keeper during her time on earth.

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I'm terribly sorry, Pretzel.

 

I agree, Hemangiosarcoma is the evil monster. Unfortunately, it's a very common death sentence for millions of dogs.

 

I agree, the death of a beloved dog feels worse than mourning for people. Well, for me anyway and sounds like for you, too. I think it's because I actually hold more respect for my late dog than I do for humans. She didn't have a mean bone in her body yet humans are so worldly with their very bad behaviors. Dogs are more innocent. Dogs love you unconditionally. All they want is to be with you with zero ulterior motives unlike humans. A dog's love is so pure.

 

I think many people said the wrong comments to you. Saying, 'you had it lucky, she only suffered a day and went peacefully.' 'you didn't want to see her decline over time, it was better this way' and 'there's no nice way to go, better for it to be short and quick instead of drawn out for weeks' are NOT comforting words at all. Those words only make you feel worse than you already feel. :upset:

 

There is never a 'better' way for a dog to die and leave you. Often times the dog already feels physically awful over time and gradually before the big collapse day. They can't communicate with you and there's no way of their telling you how crummy they feel until their last day.

 

I too think of how scared and confused she must've felt. What bothers me the most is not so much their scared and confused feelings. It's the dog's excruciating pain during hemorrhaging that's the worst of all.

 

I hope you will feel comforted knowing that you gave your beloved Delilah a great, most loving life any dog could ever ask for. You both gave each other love and each side is forever grateful.

 

Give yourself time to grieve and mourn your terrible loss. I have a feeling someday soon, you will feel the need to fill your void in Delilah's loving memory. You need a healthy distraction and another dog will fill your heart with joy and keep you preoccupied on a new dog's love and devotion. A new dog will not be a substitute nor replacement for your beloved Delilah but you will grow to appreciate another dog's soul and spirit reminiscent of Delilah's. I agree, wait until your emotions have calmed down before you plunge into your next dog ownership.

 

Volunteering at a local shelter during post-COVID-19 sounds great. Also, perhaps you might consider fostering dogs for a dog rescue so they can become adoptable. With fostering, you train and socialize a dog or dogs so they will be loved and cared for by their new adoptive family. This way, you can enjoy a dog or dogs without permanent commitment since you're not ready for official new dog ownership yet. In the meantime, you can decide on dog ownership whenever you're truly ready.

 

I understand you are breed biased as am I!

 

Your Delilah crossed over the Rainbow Bridge as they say. Will Rogers said, "If there are no dogs in heaven, when I die, I want to go where they went."

 

As for my Golden Girl (my beloved late 14 year old Golden Retriever), she's waiting for me at the pearly gates. I look forward to greeting her enthusiastically and living a happily ever after with her. She is waiting for me on the other side just like Delilah is waiting for you on the other side.

 

Thank you... Thank you so much. I wish desperately to feel normal again. As soon as I think to myself, maybe this day can be normal, maybe this day I can be happy, then wave comes over me and I just cry. It feels like I'm constantly holding back a huge wave. Always on the edge of unravelling. I think of the suddenness of her leaving the world, I miss her more than I thought was possible. And I'm hit with tears another day several times a day. My boyfriend is being incredibly sweet and understanding, we are on a mini holiday in the countryside in the UK (I live in London UK). I've taken a week off work and it's the first time we are away together since lockdown etc. I thought this would be a somewhat healing trip, but I guess the feelings are still too raw. I want to be able to enjoy myself but it's hard. I wish my boyfriend could know what I was feeling. I don't wish that he ever experienced this loss or pain, I just wish he could understand. Sometimes I feel there's a gap and just want him to know exactly what this feels like to completely get me. I know that's entirely unreasonable of an ask. I am due to have therapy but the therapist is on vacation until the second week of September. So I'm just holding on until then to see if that will help in processing this. Coming on here to post about this and reading the replies has been a massive help.

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Thank you... Thank you so much. I wish desperately to feel normal again. As soon as I think to myself, maybe this day can be normal, maybe this day I can be happy, then wave comes over me and I just cry. It feels like I'm constantly holding back a huge wave. Always on the edge of unravelling. I think of the suddenness of her leaving the world, I miss her more than I thought was possible. And I'm hit with tears another day several times a day. My boyfriend is being incredibly sweet and understanding, we are on a mini holiday in the countryside in the UK (I live in London UK). I've taken a week off work and it's the first time we are away together since lockdown etc. I thought this would be a somewhat healing trip, but I guess the feelings are still too raw. I want to be able to enjoy myself but it's hard. I wish my boyfriend could know what I was feeling. I don't wish that he ever experienced this loss or pain, I just wish he could understand. Sometimes I feel there's a gap and just want him to know exactly what this feels like to completely get me. I know that's entirely unreasonable of an ask. I am due to have therapy but the therapist is on vacation until the second week of September. So I'm just holding on until then to see if that will help in processing this. Coming on here to post about this and reading the replies has been a massive help.

 

Glad you are away -that will help. We had to cancel our trip to the UK this summer. Would have been mine and my son's first time. My husband is part British actually!

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