Separated man

Hi

Married 22 years

She’s 44 I’m 51.

Two teenage sons.

She ended the relationship last month as she didn’t love me anymore and loved another married man.

She has Clearly said she doesn’t want to reconcile.

I moved out to a nearby suburb where I’m quite happy.

But I’m miss her and want to reconcile.

I Initially suggested coming Back for late night cuddles but she rejected that.

I respect her rights but I want to create the best impression I can to change her stance on

her+me =NO!

Recently I was around there and she’d said she’d told other guy to ‘**** off‘ but She didn’t want to elaborate and I don’t if they’ve Fixed it up but I could tell she was hurting.

A few days later I helped out with picking up the kids and I was there and she wasn’t and I left her flowers.

She texted me thanking me and then said, it was a lovely surprise.

Since then I have put her on a ‘dont contact’ so I haven’t texted her at all.

She’s initiated the last texts but it’s neutral stuff about bills and her weekend plans but at least it’s something.

If I keep leaving flowers it will lose its impact.

Does anyone have any ideas about how I should behave or respond to get her Positive attention back, Regarding starting Over?

Many thanks

By the way: she had sex multiple times with the other man, he’s married too.

Just out of curiosity, does it not bother you that she is a cheater and slept around with someone else's husband? She's essentially a home wrecker as well.

She treated you badly and for what? A big fat, nothing.

Was your marriage happy? Did she get bored? Depressed? What drove her to another man?

Where’s your self respect? Is this the example you want to set for your kids?

Well for one thing, unless you're in an open marriage, she actually cheated on you. Clearly you love her and she means the world to you, but don't just let her get away with doing something so horrible to you. You're chasing her and leaving flowers and it looks like she did nothing wrong and in fact it's you who's trying to kiss up to her! I would say don't contact her at all. Only respond regarding bills and your children. If she doesn't want to reconcile, you actually can't make her. Just leave her be. If she decides to get back together with you then it'll have to be HER decision. I would say she just checked out of the relationship if she was with another man.

My thoughts are, at this point you can't see the forest for the trees, so to speak. Having said that, and because of this being so recent you're not looking at the long term and what that has the potential to entail, (imo). Also, keep in mind that one doesn't cheat by chance, they cheat by choice.

In short, I'd be careful not to sell yourself short. And most of all, be careful what you wish for.

I feel sorry for your kids.

Have you two tried marriage counselling?

Thanks for your thoughts and judgements concerning my situation.

I have considered these issues.

but I’ve come here to ask this question:

Does anyone have any ideas about how I should behave or respond to get her Positive attention back, Regarding starting Over?

If anyone has anything to assist here, I’d appreciate it.

Don't do anything. Just co-parent. Give her time and space. She's all business now about kids, paying bills and financial survival.

Follow her cue. If she's indifferent and apathetic about the both of you, then be the same: indifferent and apathetic.

If she shows interest in starting over, have an in depth, at length discussion with her in person with zero distractions. Talk it out and see if there's a chance but tread lightly.

Keep in mind that you can't trust her anymore. Trust is earned and she hasn't earned that trust for you.

Thank you Cherylyn - I appreciate that.

Part of the problem was Me before the affair, I’d had some unemployment and let myself go and I gave up a bit.

She has fallen for this guy And he said all the right things but she’s seeing now he just used her For sex.

In a way he was a Charming predator, and she fell for it.

Anyway for now I’m taking your advice and being patient and understanding and wonderfull.

I have tried to get angry and fall out of love For her.

Believe me I’ve tried.

Hasn’t worked.

Don't do anything. Just co-parent. Give her time and space. She's all business now about kids, paying bills and financial survival.

 

Follow her cue. If she's indifferent and apathetic about the both of you, then be the same: indifferent and apathetic.

 

If she shows interest in starting over, have an in depth, at length discussion with her in person with zero distractions. Talk it out and see if there's a chance but tread lightly.

 

Keep in mind that you can't trust her anymore. Trust is earned and she hasn't earned that trust for you.

Any ideas for nice things I can leave at home that aren’t flowers all the time?

, I don’t want to leave anything That’s too Much.

Any ideas for nice things I can leave at home that aren’t flowers all the time?

 

, I don’t want to leave anything That’s too Much.

Don't leave anything. She cheated on you and she told you she's not interested in getting back together. At least right now. I think in these kinds of situations you need to give the person space and just let them be. As much as I know that's not actually the answer you want to hear.

Don't leave anything. She cheated on you and she told you she's not interested in getting back together. At least right now. I think in these kinds of situations you need to give the person space and just let them be. As much as I know that's not actually the answer you want to hear.

Thank you tiny dance,

It wasn’t really directly answering the advice I did ask for, but I accept you’ve advised to give her space and let her be.

I think you’re right.

I understand it will take time.

I understand a lot of people don’t like the cheating but I’ve decided to move past that.

What hurts me is the end of the most important relationship I will ever have.

I’m fighting for it and that’s my choice.

Any Advice about little things I can Do to improve things with her is welcome.

I will take time and give her space and at the same time I’m improving myself.

Get your divorce finalized. Stop suggesting late night cuddles. She's done with you.

Any ideas for nice things I can leave at home that aren’t flowers all the time?

You're not getting it: it doesn't matter what you leave at her house. Flowers, cookies, perfume, finger puppets. It's largely irrelevant and not going to make a difference to the bigger problems.

What were the issues that existed in your marriage? You mentioned you were unemployed for a period before her affair - why, and for how long? How did you manage yourself during that time? What sorts of things tended to cause friction between you two? What were her flaws? We need the backstory.

The issue is that she was checked out of your marriage before you ever realized it. The way she handled it - cheating - was awful and says a lot about her. It is a reflection of where her heart and mind were, and they were no longer with you. That is why leaving things like flowers for her isn't going to do much but decorate her counter-top.

There are zero reasons a person should be excused for cheating. A mature, caring person works on marital issues with their partner, and if nothing fixes that, they divorce, ending one relationship before beginning another.

Showering her with gifts and wanting to cuddle shows her you're a doormat and she can be unethical by cheating once or more and it's not a dealbreaker for you. Not that I would ever take a cheater back, but the only way I would suggest that would be to say: If you want to salvage our marriage, we'll have to attend marriage counseling and you will have a lot of work to do to earn my trust back.

People value confident partners with high self worth. You lack self esteem and if you can't even love yourself, why do you expect anybody else to? Read some articles on how to boost your self worth.

Sorry we're not providing the answer you seek here. It's because magic genies don't exist to turn her into an ethical, caring person. Attempting to "fight" for a person and win their love with objects is just sad. The right person loves you "as is" without manipulation.

Part of the problem was Me before the affair, I’d had some unemployment and let myself go and I gave up a bit.

 

She has fallen for this guy And he said all the right things but she’s seeing now he just used her For sex.

In a way he was a Charming predator, and she fell for it.

 

Anyway for now I’m taking your advice and being patient and understanding and wonderfull.

 

I have tried to get angry and fall out of love For her.

Believe me I’ve tried.

 

Hasn’t worked.

You're the problem? Being patient, understanding and wonderful?

Um.... no.

It is common to blame oneself for a cheating partner. I think it comes from being hurt, in denial, wanting it to be untrue. Like if you hadn't done or been X, she would not have done the deed.

Unemployment and out of shape are not valid reasons for cheating. There are no valid reasons for cheating. None. Read that again. None. Adults end relationships before starting a new one.

What she did was completely disrespectful and wrong. She is an adulterous person. You're making it to be that she was the victim. And what you can do to fix this but the fact is, she broke her vows and its on her to fix it.

But you're being a sad sack about it. Wondering what you can do and kissing up to her. This will never work.

The best thing you can do is find your pride and realize you're being abused. And even if it kills you, put on a brave face and be completely cold to her. Only talk about the kids. This woman has the morals of an alley cat and is treating you like you did something wrong.

I'm inclined to think you are a beta male and subservient to her in the marriage. And that's probably turned her off. You're a puppy following her around and she is annoyed and doesn't care about your feelings because you'll never leave. So the disdain is building with every kind gesture.

The guy was not a predator... get that out of your head. your wife was an active participant. She chose him and chances are, like most affairs, it was just a selfish act about them as individuals. No concerns about who they hurt. She may even have done it because she wanted out of the marriage and she figured you'd never forgive her. which I think is the healthier reaction.

Someone with healthy self esteem and respect calls a spade a spade. realizes they are worth more and would not tolerate this. She hasn't even apologized, has she? Yet you're the one jumping through hoops.

I am sorry this is harsh.

Turn your back on her, but be great with the kids.... get into therapy and pour all this love and forgiveness for her into Yourself! in time your rose color glasses will fall off.

Thank you Cherylyn - I appreciate that.

Part of the problem was Me before the affair, I’d had some unemployment and let myself go and I gave up a bit.

 

She has fallen for this guy And he said all the right things but she’s seeing now he just used her For sex.

In a way he was a Charming predator, and she fell for it.

 

Anyway for now I’m taking your advice and being patient and understanding and wonderfull.

 

I have tried to get angry and fall out of love For her.

Believe me I’ve tried.

 

Hasn’t worked.

The bolded above is likely the only (albeit still very small) hope you have of getting her back. By being nice and understanding and giving her gifts you are having the opposite effect because you are showing her you are desperate and have no self-respect, and confirming for her that she did the right thing by cheating. You may temporarily get her back if she is unable to pay her bills and financially needs your help until she finds the next guy, but otherwise . . . no.

Your relationship is over. If she hadn't lost respect for you before, she definitely has now. You can waste your time groveling and hoping for scraps of attention here and there, and reading hope into her texts where there is none, or you can face what is real, take control of your life and focus on your kids and your future. Where you are in a couple years, either still trying to "win her back" or successfully living your life, is entirely up to you.

Sorry to hear this. I agree with the other members. Take a break from all this and take your mind off of all the 'trying to get your ex back' strategies. I think you're spending a lot of energy on something when you can possibly help and take care of yourself a bit better.

Do you mind me asking what's going on outside of the marital issues? How's work? Are you ok on your own? Any support from family and friends while you transition? Do you get to see your kids? Do you have a lawyer? How's life adjusting to a new place?

It would be an easy fix if leaving flowers and expressing your emotions were something that would remind her of the love you shared and things would go back to being good, but unfortunately, it's not that easy.

It will have the opposite effect where you'll make yourself look desperate and in return, become even more unattractive and even bothersome.

If there is any chance at all, you need to stay away from her completely. Absence makes the heart grown fonder, so to speak. It's a slim possibility, but I think that's the only possibility that you've got.

She needs to miss you, see your value again and come to you. But you also need to accept that it might not ever happen. After all, she's been terrible to you and has shown how little respect and love she has for you.

What you should do is change your focus. Seek personal therapy in dealing with this loss. It is a great loss and not unlike a death. You will need to get help dealing with it all.

But it could also give you clarity on why things went the way they went and hopefully as well, give you a bit of self esteem back by helping you get back on your feet again.

It would make more sense to accept the reality that you and she might never be close again. It's a very tough reality to face, but for your own good, it's one you need to come to terms with.

It doesn't mean life is over. You're still relatively young. You can heal from this and go on to meet another woman whom you can fall deeply in love with.

But for the time being. You need to take care of yourself and your own mental stability. Your wife is not the victim here. It takes a lot of steps to make the life changing decisions she did and to behave as badly as she did. She doesn't deserve your love, and that's what people are trying to get across to you.

She, as a person, needs a lot of help too. To figure out why she betrayed her husband and family like she did and why her moral compass went flying out the window.

The bad part is, she's not wanting help and I doubt she see's that she did anything wrong. She is most likely blaming other people instead of taking any kind of accountability.

Either way, you should be focusing on your own well being. And the first step is to stay away from her, while coming to terms with the fact that your marriage is coming to an end.

You're not alone, many of us on this board have been in your shoes and survived. Keep posting anytime you need to talk or need support.

Any ideas for nice things I can leave at home that aren’t flowers all the time?

 

, I don’t want to leave anything That’s too Much.

She cheated on you while still being married to you. It doesn't matter that you were unemployed and let yourself go. Cheating is intolerable and unacceptable, period.

Stop ingratiating yourself to her! Don't give her flowers nor anything.

Co-parent, be a great father and remain matter-of-fact regarding her down to business discussions about bill paying.

Turn off your emotions. Remain civil, well mannered, polite and respectful only. No more no less.

Stay strong and hang tough.

Thank you everyone for the messages, especially the longer helpful ones. I mean that, I appreciate it very much.

I’m taking on The feedback.

I’ll be patient and be my best but not grovelling And needy and see what comes.

Thanks again

Best wishes

I know it'a difficult, Kchris. Many have lived the path you are living right now. I can tell you that as badly as it hurts, it is survivable.

You deserve love and you deserve someone who treats you right. Someone who will want to work through your problems together and not betray you.

But your wife is no longer that person.

I am being sincere when I tell you that grovelling, even showing up with flowers or love notes, is not what is going to work. She will not appreciate them and she will find it annoying.

You don't deserve anymore rejection either.

Focus on your children, they need you, they love you. Focus on finding your own strengths again, as a single man. Focus on bettering yourself and your life. You don't need her like you think you do.

And lastly, be gentle with yourself. Stop blaming yourself. In life, we all go through rough patches. That does not give your spouse permission to behave badly.

I'm in a similar situation, together 20 years (no cheating). She left me a year ago and the pain is just the same, wake up and realise she's not in the bed, can't eat, constantly, thjnking about our post future, even though she is seeing someond else, I still want her back. I keep thinking of them having sex (strange I know).

I've exhausted all the get your ex back youtube videos, as with you people on here are helpful but all leads to the same, go NC, but if she messages me 1st I do reply.

Your not alome mate, im going through it all right with u. Can never imagine me being with someone else or holidays with someone else.

Like she is constantly on my mind, when the mobile phone vibrates I pray its her. Then disheartened when its not.

Says she will always love me and always wants me in her life, I mean what's thst a about?

STAY STRONG