Can't seem to figure out what's going on. Need a little help.

My Fiancée and I have been having a few issues here lately, and I need advice. to start off, She's 38, I'm 28. We've been together two years. (yes, I know, we moved fast. I don't regret this at all.) I don't know what to do to fix this, but I constantly feel as if I'm not a priority in the relationship, just an option.

A little backstory. We don't live together, we're working towards getting our own place together. She lives with her mom, I live with my dad. She has two kids that I absolutely adore, ages 7 and 10. They are my world.

When everything first started, it was amazing. we'd constantly talk back and forth, see each other quite regularly through the week.. And generally spend a good amount of time together. However, this year has proven quite different.

It's as if what I do isn't good enough for her and the kids, as well as a feeling that I'm not a necessity in her life as she is in mine. We don't spend near as much time together - mostly just the weekends. We bicker back and forth quite a bit, mostly her getting frustrated because I ask questions or ask her to come over during the week, after work and such. I understand this can't happen all the time, but it's dropped to where it's not happening at all. Every time I ask a question, whether it be her coming over or asking if she's seen something that I'm missing she usually gets defensive and irritable. There have also been a few occasions where she's threatened to stop coming over on the weekends. As for during the week, she claims she was being irresponsible when she came over, pointing out the kids as reason number one.

As for talking things out, I feel as if we don't communicate anything very well. Whenever I try to talk about things, she usually just goes silent and watches me, never putting in much input at all, claiming she's "not good at talking". I told her at the start of our relationship that she called the shots, which I do regret saying, as I feel it's caused a rift between us. It constantly takes the "my way or the highway" mentality, which I'm not happy about.

I'm constantly on eggshells, trying to figure out what's next, and it's driving up my anxiety and stress levels to where all I want to do is constantly sleep. I want to work towards making this relationship work smoothly, not have speed bumps every week because I don't know what to do or where to step that won't end in her trying to take my head off. I know we have issues, but don't know how to bring these up without things escalating, or me feeling hurt because she's stonewalling.

I know neither of us is perfect - but she's quite unwilling to work around anything. She claims she's caved too much already and she's putting her foot down, but it honestly feels as if she's just doing this to spite and hurt me.

She's a busy single mother and needs to be there for them, they come first. If you are having insomnia, sleeping all day and anxiety, you need to see a doctor and get some supportive therapy. A single working mother really can't be your therapist or entertain a grown man on weeknights.

It seems like the incompatibilities are hitting a wall. Perhaps step back get help, get a second job evenings, study etc.

she claims she was being irresponsible when she came over, pointing out the kids as reason number one.

 

it's driving up my anxiety and stress levels to where all I want to do is constantly sleep. I know we have issues, but don't know how to bring these up without things escalating, or me feeling hurt because she's stonewalling.

Take a deep breath, press pause and go for a walk. Get moving. Exercise gets your endorphins going. Walk, run, bike, hit a few golf balls at the range or get a tennis ball machine. Don't lay down and sleep. I have been as stressed as you are and have felt so fatigued all I wanted was to lay down and sleep the days away. Fight that urge and get out and get moving. You'll clear your mind also and gain more clarity.

She's being realistic with you about what she can and can't do but it all seems offensive because it's not according to what you want. Cool off and get moving. Don't just roll over and remain offended. You have so much life to live. I hope things come to you more clearly. It won't happen staying sedentary and feeling so low about yourself, I can guarantee you that.

It seems like the incompatibilities are hitting a wall. Perhaps step back get help, get a second job evenings, study etc.

We both work, and have our own hobbies and such. As far as the kids go, her coming over in the past has never been an issue, as her mom was (and still is able) to watch them when she wants to spend some time with me and can't bring them along. On the weekends when her ex doesn't have the kids, we're all together.

You are learning first hand why people say that the most critical thing in healthy relationships is communication. When you have a partner who refuses to communicate, engages in power plays and otherwise stonewalls you and shuts you down - there is literally nothing you can do to improve the relationship or resolve any issues. It can't be done.

Also, now that the honeymoon has worn off, you are seeing who this woman really is and what she is actually like. What you are experiencing now is the reality of being with her. This is another lesson in why you don't jump into a relationship and rush to get engaged. It takes a lot of time to see who a person is behind their mask.

Bottom line is that when your relationship is at a point where it's affecting your physical and mental health, referring to you being depressed to the point of just wanting to sleep all the time, it's high time to step away from the relationship. It's not something you seek to fix, it's your clue to walk far far away and heal. I sincerely hope that you don't end up compounding your first mistake of rushing things into a worse mistake of marrying her anyway despite how toxic this relationship has become.

I know some posters here will chime in with try counseling and all I'm going to say to that is that counseling is for married couples who have many years invested in their marriage. When you need counseling to force a dating relationship to work, it's your clue that you shouldn't be in that relationship. Save your money and run for the hills.

She's being realistic with you about what she can and can't do but it all seems offensive because it's not according to what you want. Cool off and get moving. Don't just roll over and remain offended.

I wouldn't say offended, per se. More along the lines of confused and trying to figure out what's going on with no input on her side other than "no".

As for what she can and can't do, as I stated, none of this was an issue before.

I wouldn't say offended, per se. More along the lines of confused and trying to figure out what's going on with no input on her side other than "no".

 

As for what she can and can't do, as I stated, none of this was an issue before.

Let things be for awhile. I'm getting the feeling that she's drawing away from you because you're very defensive and looking for an argument. Maybe this is true or maybe it isn't but take the cue and learn to pull back a little and just let things settle. It doesn't pay to keep beating a dead horse. This is why I suggested going out for a walk or getting active and clearing your mind. It does wonders for confusion.

What a lot of us fail to understand is we all change during relationships and evolve. We change, we get tired, our interests and time available changes, kids grow or demand more or less out of us, we experience health issues, changes or dips in routines and sleep patterns, jobs come and go as do people (friends, family, coworkers etc). I can't stress enough how important it is to remain flexible and keep working together as a team as much as you can.

If you're finding it tough and it's building up a lot of resentments, open up a document or take a pen to paper and start writing out your harshest feelings. Get it all out and read it. Re-read it and ask yourself whether they're founded or what you can do to make sense of or fix the issue on your end. Maybe it requires more patience. Or maybe it's communication. If you're finding that your words are falling on deaf ears, give it a break. Chances are - your partner is at the end of his/her leash and doesn't want to listen to more rhetoric. If this keeps up, try figuring out whether you're feeling valued in the relationship. It always takes two. Regain some clarity on your own first though and clear that confusion up on your end.

There have also been a few occasions where she's threatened to stop coming over on the weekends. As for during the week, she claims she was being irresponsible when she came over, pointing out the kids as reason number one

Why did she do this?

I have no doubt she doesn't feel good about leaving the kids with her mom to look after, but I also sense this isn't just about that. She sounds quite resentful, and I am curious what she meant when she told you she's "caved too much" already - what was she referring to there?

Why did she do this?

 

I have no doubt she doesn't feel good about leaving the kids with her mom to look after, but I also sense this isn't just about that. She sounds quite resentful, and I am curious what she meant when she told you she's "caved too much" already - what was she referring to there?

most of the times she's said this is when I've asked a question about something, noticed she's gotten defensive and asked her to clarify what's making her defensive. I made the mistake of telling her she called the shots when we started dating, to which I've told her was a mistake, because relationships thrive on both partners working together with mutually called upon shots, and compromises for both parties. But it's as if she lost the ability to compromise and come to an agreement on anything.

As far as caving too much, I believe what she's referring to is coming to visit too much - even though on the occasions where it wasn't on a weekend she'd come over, it wasn't constant or consistent. an extra day here or there.

She needs to be with her kids. And you need to date childless women in your own age group. You also should be focusing on getting a second job and getting out of your father's house.

A divorced middle aged woman with kids is not going to feel comfortable coming to your parents house weeknights to have sex with you. She had her post-divorce cougar fun,now she needs to get real.🐆

As for what she can and can't do, as I stated, none of this was an issue before.

If you can't properly communicate with one another, then there won't be any fixing going on. And the relationship is regressing versus remaining in a happy routine or progressing.

You're in different life stages, and this is just another example of how large age gap relationships often fail. You want more than she can give. At the beginning, she fulfilled both of your wishes for together-time, but she's either lost interest because the honeymoon period has worn off, or she's gradually come to see that you're not who she wants longterm.

In any case, you're unhappy more than you're happy, so it means the relationship no longer works for you. You might try dating someone without children in the future. It's okay to make some rules for yourself for a good dating experience. After my first marriage ended and I did OLD. I talked with a guy who had his 5 year old every weekend plus on Wednesdays. I chose not to meet him because I wanted a guy who had more time to spend with me than he would.

Loving someone isn't the only element needed for a satisfying relationship. Cut the line and keep fishing.

She's a mother. (I'm a mother, too so I understand.) Her children are her top priority and consume the majority if not all of her brain space. You are further down the ladder which is at the bottom or beneath that.

Communication issues, her lack of time and energy cause your relationship to flounder.

It's time to go your separate ways.

I agree with others. Date childless women because relationships are less complicated and crowded.

Fiancee? Dont marry her until you sort out all of your issues, you both sound unhappy. If you marry her the way things are, it's not going to work.

She's a mother. (I'm a mother, too so I understand.) Her children are her top priority and consume the majority if not all of her brain space. You are further down the ladder which is at the bottom or beneath that.

 

Communication issues, her lack of time and energy cause your relationship to flounder.

 

It's time to go your separate ways.

 

I agree with others. Date childless women because relationships are less complicated and crowded.

As far as the kids being top priority, we've both agreed on this..

I disagree with us having different energy levels, though. We're pretty evenly matched as far as that goes.

I also disagree with going our separate ways. We need to work on things, yes. but issues can be solved if we can communicate effectively. As an aside, I'm not some random guy their mom is dating to these kids. I'm "dad", even though i'm not their father. We do value their opinions in things, and have asked before what they thought about us taking a break. both threw a fit and refused to acknowledge or talk to us for the remainder of the day.

Fiancee? Dont marry her until you sort out all of your issues, you both sound unhappy. If you marry her the way things are, it's not going to work.

We have no set date for a wedding, and have both agreed that when it feels right it'll happen. We aren't exactly rushing towards marriage, as we both know there are things to work on and improve.

If you can't properly communicate with one another, then there won't be any fixing going on. And the relationship is regressing versus remaining in a happy routine or progressing.

 

You're in different life stages, and this is just another example of how large age gap relationships often fail. You want more than she can give. At the beginning, she fulfilled both of your wishes for together-time, but she's either lost interest because the honeymoon period has worn off, or she's gradually come to see that you're not who she wants longterm.

 

In any case, you're unhappy more than you're happy, so it means the relationship no longer works for you. You might try dating someone without children in the future. It's okay to make some rules for yourself for a good dating experience. After my first marriage ended and I did OLD. I talked with a guy who had his 5 year old every weekend plus on Wednesdays. I chose not to meet him because I wanted a guy who had more time to spend with me than he would.

 

Loving someone isn't the only element needed for a satisfying relationship. Cut the line and keep fishing.

I have to agree on proper communication, It's a core part of any relationship. I also have to agree we're in different life stages, and both want stability.

I have to disagree with cutting the line, however. We're both happy when we're together - and she does state that she misses me when we're not. We do activities together as well, puzzles, date nights, movie nights, and the likes. when we're in person, making plans and such goes easy. Figuring things out via text/facebook messenger is where things tend to get difficult to plan, as she can't seem to commit to anything.

I think the big key issue is communication as well as compromising on both parts, I just can't find a way to easily talk about it, without causing further issues.

L

I'm not some random guy their mom is dating to these kids. I'm "dad", even though i'm not their father. We do value their opinions in things, and have asked before what they thought about us taking a break. both threw a fit and refused to acknowledge or talk to us for the remainder of the day.

What the heck were you and she thinking involving little kids in a break-up talk?

They can’t possibly understand what that means and no wonder they reacted poorly. You two probably scared the crap out of them. Kids at their ages are sensitive to any instability in their lives and perceived abandonment. You should not introduce unnecessary emotional upset. Had you broken up and needed to explain that, that’s one thing. Asking them what they think of taking a break? Way beyond the comprehension of kids to weigh in on.

Whatever you do moving forward, keep children out of adult issues.

L

 

What the heck were you and she thinking involving little kids in a break-up talk?

Ah, I might've worded that wrong. As in putting a pause on them coming over for weekends and such. They were having absolutely none of it.

So you acknowledge that the issue is communication.......you also say that the two of you must fix that. All good so far.....until you get to the part where she will stonewall you and flat out refuse to talk. So there is your problem - you can't fix communication with someone who refuses to communicate. I mean sure....you could try using a cattle prod on her (joking, being facetious here, don't do it) I'm just pointing out the absurdity of the situation really and the impossibility of it.

For something to get fixed, BOTH people have to want to fix it and BOTH people have to work on it equally. Is she even willing to acknowledge that there is a problem? Let alone work on her issues with communication?

Walking on eggshells is not a term you use when you are in a healthy relationship, OP.

Two years and you're "Dad"???

Where is their actual biological dad? And why don't they call him "Dad"?

Two years and you're "Dad"???

 

Where is their actual biological dad? And why don't they call him "Dad"?

Biological dad is still in the picture, and they still call him "dad". But he's manipulative and controlling, so they tend to keep their distance.

She needs to be with her kids. And you need to date childless women in your own age group. You also should be focusing on getting a second job and getting out of your father's house.

 

A divorced middle aged woman with kids is not going to feel comfortable coming to your parents house weeknights to have sex with you. She had her post-divorce cougar fun,now she needs to get real.🐆

That's perfect. Totally agree.

However, this divorced middle-aged woman with two kids is also living with her mom. How is this relationship even working?

Don't be too quick to marry this woman. You've obviously jumped in with both feet without enough information to really know what you were getting into.

You've been together for two years. This is as good as it gets, if you know what I mean.

it takes at least a year to see people in enough situations and seasons to learn how they manage themselves, their emotions & challenges, their communication style and coping mechanisms.

The chemistry and attraction that fuels a relationship in the beginning really can't replace the basics to a healthy a relationship long term. Mainly communication, equal effort, shared values and goals.

From what you wrote it sounds like maybe this isn't the relationship for you. you're putting in more effort, anxious and unhappy. As for her, I don't know but continuing as is, will not prompt change.

I think it's time for a real heart to heart talk, knowing that you might have to walk away... unless you want this as your life.

My impression is that your first year together—your foundation—has started to become a very different story in each of your minds. In yours? It was a ravenous, otherworldly connection, an insta-family, a preview into forever culminating in engagement. In hers? Seems she feels she was being a bit immature and irresponsible, behaving whimsically at the expense of her maternal duties, and has since been trying to reset the scales a bit, if not with award-winning grace or maturity.

In short, you are at a very hard juncture. What you've spent the past year trying to "get back" to—that early foundation—she has spent trying to "get away" from. That tug of war has replaced you two figuring out a way to move forward, building a foundation—or perhaps remodeling would be the right word—that actually allows for that without strife. Stir in what seems a real struggle to communicate, and all those eggshells under your feet, and you've got a lot on your plate.

If there's a saving a grace here? I'd say it's that you're aware, to some degree, that things have moved a bit too fast. Being frank, I'm not sure if you realize quite how fast. All this talk of you being "dad," this stuff of chatting with the kids about changing schedules? I'm not saying there aren't exceptions to that sort of thing working, but if you were one of those exceptions you wouldn't be here posting. The waters you're swimming in right now are about a hundred times deeper than you know, or so it seems from these seats.

So, a question: Think you can just hang back a bit, accept that things moved too fast, and let go of trying to get back to those early-ish days? Can you, while doing that, give yourself a minute or two to reflect on whether dating someone 10 years older than you, with two children, sincerely provides what you need right now to feel like a "priority"? Because those factors are not changing, and they will always be bigger than you can comprehend.