Little connection in person but with underlying circumstances

Hello,

I’m not a regular poster here but check very often for advice and thoughts and always find it useful so thought I’d give it a go to see if anyone had experienced anything vaguely similar. Sorry if too lengthy etc, I’m not sure on the rules!

Me and a girl had been chatting and texting very regularly over a 6-7 week period. We got on so well and had a similar mentality to dating and what we were looking for. She lived a couple of hours away from me and so we arranged for me to visit her. I did so for a day and it was all fine, except I found it quite difficult to engage in conversation sometimes as her four year old child was with us the whole day. Whenever I’d start a conversation it would be cut off by the child, or we would go to a park for her to play and the focus would be on the child and so not much of a chance to fully spend our own time with each other.

Afterwards we carried on talking like we had been and agreed to meet again sometime. Next time we agreed I would visit for 2-3 days. We arranged one of these days would be a Wednesday as the child’s dad would have the child for the day but on my way there this plan changed and so again the child would be with us the whole time. Although frustrating I understood and just tried to get on with it. This time similar things happened, we did lots of driving (me in back as the kid had to be in the front) so not a great way to have a conversation, and again constant interruptions from the child when I did speak. When we got home to her house I’d find myself in a situation where I was playing with toys with the child whilst the mum didn’t try to stop this happening or overly join in. We’d end up in separate rooms (me playing games with the child) so again pretty difficult in terms of having a conversation and building up any kind of momentum.

In the evening, when I thought it would be our time to bond, the mum took over an hour to put her child to sleep and so it meant we had hardly any time again to converse. By the time she’d finished it was almost 11pm and we were pretty tired and went to bed so couldn’t overly share a hug and kiss like we had on my first visit but we still did for a little bit. The next day, it was much of the same again and I travelled home in the evening.

The next morning after getting home, I received a message to say she’d been thinking and felt there wasn’t as much of a connection as she’d hoped for and so that was it.

I’m not under any illusions that I’m misreading this or trying to change things but it just felt like a situation in order to create a connection wasn’t set up for us. It felt like I was there to act as step dad for a couple of days at the expense of spending time with the actual girl I was going to see. To me it feels like she’s said about a lack of connection (which may have still been the case if the child wasn’t there, but we didn’t get to find out) but completely ignored the circumstances as to why this was made more difficult with her child there. How quick she was to say this as well after spending 6-7 weeks feeling really close via messaging and not acknowledging the reasons as to why it may have been difficult was quite disappointing for me. I feel we never got the opportunity to spend time alone together and build up a rapport and feels like my character has been judged rather than an understanding that I was effectively unavailable to connect due to the circumstances. It is a real shame as I really liked her and thought she thought the same of me. We always made time for each other via text but it couldn’t be transferred in person. It would have been nice to have that time alone together so we knew one way or another if there was a connection or not.

Not sure if anyone has had anything similar or has any thoughts as I know it’s quite specific but it helps writing this out whilst it’s all scrambled in my head.

Thank you.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. You need to question the judgement of someone who makes first meets a playdate with her child .

Cut things off and date locally so you can screen better and meet up sooner.

It seems like you dodged a bullet. You need to question the judgement of someone who makes first meets a playdate with her child

I was about to write exactly the same thing.

Mom's got some questionable habits if she's bringing strange men around her child immediately, and having them in her home with them to sleep over when she barely knows the man. That's not a shot at you, OP, but this woman is not using her brain very well nor prioritizing the safety of her little one. That speaks to an overall lack of good decision-making skills, which you can be sure would show up in other facets of her life.

I would let this one go. It sounds like it would be difficult to get it off the ground and if she's already telling you she's not feeling it, there's no point wasting your time trying to convince her otherwise.

Sounds like this is for the best. As others have said, bad judgments on her part to start. Coupled with no real time to date and get to know you.

It also sounds like you are not so down with instant step dad. And that's what it sounds like it would be. That's not a dig on you or her....

People with small children are probably better suited with other parents of small children. Just like any other lifestyle, a couple needs to be on the same page. Long distance is hard to make a connection.

When you're first dating, you need short, frequent interactions. Marathon dates weeks apart only work for a small percentage of couples.

Find someone local, without kids.

First is a great connection online quite often doesn't translate into any kind of chemistry in real life. This is so so so common. She wasn't engaging with you not so much because of the child, but because she already wasn't into you and not feeling it. It sounds like you clicked so well talking online, that despite the first meet and greet being flat, she wanted to give things another chance, but the "it" factor still wasn't there and so she called a day on it.

You don't control attraction in real life, that thing called chemistry and you can't create it if only you did this or that or so on. This woman wasn't a match, it sounds like the feeling was pretty mutual, so you shrug it off and keep on dating others. This is also why people with some dating experience avoid getting into too much talking before meeting - creates false expectations and a sense of connection or closeness that isn't really there in real life.

Another thing to consider is that you just got a big taste of single parent life - no, there is no "us" time there or not much. Even those who have a much better handle on arranging babysitting are not going to be very free and your date may be easily interrupted with child issues, emergencies and so on. You might want to think on this experience long and hard and decide if dating a single parent is really right for you or not your cup of tea. Keep in mind that neither way makes you a bad person, but a little personal honesty goes a long way toward choosing the right partner for yourself.

She's not physically attracted to you. If you've been back and forth messaging and there's something cerebral there until she met you in person she's not attracted to you physically. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. You need to learn to read between the lines. She's not going to come out and say, "I don't find you attractive." That would be very rude.

I don't think she had the courage to tell you that there was no chemistry while you were there. If you don't know each other well and there's a child involved, the risk of the other person becoming pushy or aggressive is high. I agree with MissCanuck on inappropriateness involving her child in her romantic dates this early.

Take a deep breath and move on. This isn't the end of the world. Stick to shorter dates as Lambert suggested and don't over-invest this early unless the attraction is mutual and undeniable.

To be really honest though it sounds to me like she wasn't that sure about you from the start. Understandably if she has a very small child then it's difficult to have alone time. But I think if she liked you a lot then it would be obvious that she's actually making her best effort towards you.

The fact that she just left you to play with the child by yourself at times and she wasn't even there shows that she didn't really want to be around you. If she was really into you then she would be with you all the time. And she actually would make an effort to create a situation where you could be alone. For example, actually organise that her ex, her parents/sibling/babysitter would look after the child. So that you could go on an actual date or spend some time at home by yourself.

The fact that she wasn't willing to do anything to keep getting to know you I think shows she's just not really interested. I think she also didn't bother to set up any alone time with you because she just wasn't that invested. I think unfortunately just chatting online doesn't create real connection because you don't know the person in reality. Some of this "connection" is probably just what you imagine about the person in your own mind. So largely a fantasy really.

Her child is her top priority and you'll always have to share time and energy with her because her child comes first. The mother will always remain distracted for the next 14+ years. I'm a mother so I know full well.

From now on, only date childless women because she'll have more time, energy and undivided attention for you.

Be practical.

Really bad idea for her to have you stay over figurately five minutes after meeting you. That is super irresponsible of her.

I wonder how many men she's had stay over. I feel for her child.

A parent's top priority is always going to be the child. Basically, their life becomes your life. So if you are interested in someone with a child, you will need to be expected this. I got the sense that you were annoyed with the situation, which is understandable to a degree when you are trying to get to know someone. But you should probably ask yourself if you are okay with this situation as it's not likely to change much with her, or with any woman who has a child.

Another possibility is that she is having doubts about having a relationship. Being a single mom and dating has it's share of difficulties which you both experienced. Maybe she saw that and wasn't ready for it herself. If you really want to know, you could always ask her. You wouldn't be trying to get together, you could just explain how you felt you didn't have a chance to make that connection and if she sees it differently.