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Thread: Staying because of a child

  1. #1
    Silver Member NymphaeaLilly's Avatar
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    Staying because of a child

    The title sounds so typical, but what I actually mean is something different.
    Me and my husband already have a lovely 4 year old and since begging of 2018 we are trying for a baby No. 2, but unsuccessfully. After almost 2 years of ttc we find out that the problem lies with him and decide to try ivf (two attempts ware also unsuccessful).
    Trying to conceive is taking a heavy toll on the relationship and we had epic arguments because of it, to the point of me wanting to leave the marriage few times.
    But my wish that my daughter have a sibling is so huge, that I sometimes find myself staying mostly because of it. My daughter begs us to give her a sister or a brother for more then a year now, she looks soooo sad when she sees that someone has a sibling (and literary everybody around us has at least 2 children). It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there.
    I could live with not having anymore kids, but I just can't condemn my daughter to being an only child, when she wants a sibling so bad.
    Is it wrong to wait with the decision after I get pregnant?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    It's really unhealthy for your child to be in a home where there are "epic arguments". It would be worse to bring another child into that kind of home.

    Have you and your husband attended marriage counseling?

  3. #3
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

    I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

    Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

    I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.
    In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.

  4. #4
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I could not have other kids so my son is an only. Please donít destroy what is a good relationship just to give your child a sibling. Some kids are just not going to have a sibling and thatís just life.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP.

    I fully agree with Bolt, Reinvent and Seraphim.

    And you say:

    "It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there."

    I really do wish there was some way to persuade people to stop saying "always" and "forever". L.

    OP. You are not "condemning " your child to anything. Many families for one reason or another had only one child. If eventually you do have a second child, well fine. But meantime, do take the advice the other posters are giving you.

    OP. There was a lot of anxiety going on also back in 2015 relating to an issue about you going to where he was working then.

    "Also we had a big argument the other day (I was in a wrong and I deeply hurt him) and when we resolved it he asked me not to be as unreasonabl again and to give him some slack coz the work is killing him and he's not sure he can battle on two fronts.
    "
    Last edited by LaHermes; 08-20-2020 at 05:04 PM.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Usually a couple decide on and agree on this decision, not a 4 y/o. You need to get things in perspective.

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    The thing she is not condemned because she doesnít have another sibling however her life will be far worse off without her father.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

    I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

    Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

    I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.
    In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.
    THIS. ^^^^^. what the heck are you saying to your kid? I think some therapy for all of you is needed.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My brain went immediately to the same place as reinvent's.

    Kids are highly adaptable, much more so than adults, in large part because they know very, very little about the world compared to us and don't think about their future in the same existential fashion. Especially kids who are only 4. They are the sooooo saddest creatures whoever walked the earth when they don't get a lollipopóat least for a minute or two. Then they move along. Ditto when they don't get a sibling. Or, in some cases, when they do.

    The impression your post gives is that you are creating a phantom problem in order to avoid confronting a very real oneóthat you're using a child's brain as a projection screen for your adult drama, or creating a maze to avoid the sharp edge of the straight line. Not sure what that full saga of the drama is, exactly, but it sounds more or less like a very large part of you is thinking that ending your marriage would be healthier, in the long term, to your own life and spirit.

    You're in the company of millions in that, and of millions before you. Hard stuff that is probably petrifying to really think about, to wrestle with and confront, as it means the potential dismantling of the story that got you to this juncture in your life. But you owe it to yourself, your husband, your daughter and any future children, to confront this with your adult mind, and alongside your husband's adult mind, rather than outsourcing it to your child in order to bend it all into a tale of maternal heroics. That is, to my eyes, magical thinking.

    Your child will be fine if she's an only child. She'll be fine if her parents are not married forever. She'll be, really, about as fine as her parents are, in their spirits, and right now things do not sound very fine in that sector. In your shoes right now, I would be doing everything possible to confront all that, be it counseling or whatever, so that whatever choice you ultimately make is one is based in logic, not the fog of emotion.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Quite so Bluecastle.

    "In your shoes right now, I would be doing everything possible to confront all that, be it counseling or whatever, so that whatever choice you ultimately make is one is based in logic, not the fog of emotion."

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