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Thread: Staying because of a child

  1. #21
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    You lifted my heart Waffle ! LOL.

    And fully agree with you too Cherlyn.

  2. #22
    Silver Member NymphaeaLilly's Avatar
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    Just one thing to clear up - I'm not brainwashing my daughter about sibling. I can't explain it why exactly she got that obsession, becaus for me it's very upsetting when she starts saying things like "mom we can't give that to aunties new baby, I'm saving this dress for MY little sister" or "when I have a sister/brother, we'll do this and that" or "mom, why am I the only one who don't have a sibling". I asked her many times to chill with the sister/brother-talk and she does it for a couple of weeks, but than starts again.
    I don't know if that's because every friend she has, has a sibling or why. I DO NOT talk about that with her, because it's just too goddamn painful. I would never plant something like that in her mind, especially as we are struggling with it.
    My daughter was always very sensible kid who just loves to love. But unfortunately we don't live in the same country as our family, so it's just three of us most of the free time.

    Originally I wanted a 2-2.5 years age gap, because I do have a 5 years older sister and we had a very strained relationship till my teenage years. But even thought we have very different personalities that sometimes clash, I love her to deaths and she's my best friend. I want my child to have that. My 2 good friends also have 5-6 years age gap with their sisters and they too have a very special relationships.

    I know that working on my marriage first and than baby would be the logical step, but the main reason for any tension between us steems from this unfulfilled desire. And since he finally agreed to look for help (in January) we didn't have any big arguments at all until yesterday, as we're told that this second attempt resulted in a chemical pregnancy.
    This issue is making our marriage rocky, we are different persons and have different approaches to that problem that are not compatible. I need to read every study about it that's out there and would like to discuss it with him, and he's just the opposite - do what the doctors tell you and don't think too much about it. He's not the one who has to go to the appointments, who has to take handful of drugs daily, who asks herself what's going right now within my body, so he can just continue with his life as before and not think about it every day. I envy him, I would like nothing more than to just live my life like before and treat ivf like some casual occurrence. But I can't, it's literally part of my body for every second of every day (since June I'm constantly in a procedure), I need to organize my whole life around it - no intensive sport, no alcohol, work absences, physical sensations, taking drugs at the specific times etc.

  3. #23
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I understand I wanted another child more than life itself. I had 4 miscarriages trying to have one. Sometimes it is just not in the cards. My son too would go on endlessly about a sibling to anyone who would listen because he saw everybody had a sibling but him. To this day he still doesn’t know one person who is an only and he is almost 23.

    I would start telling her right now that maybe she may never have a sibling. And just realize for yourself that throwing away your marriage and your child’s family to have another child may just be a pipe dream.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You are super niave if you believe your 4 year old mysteriously congers up her desires and disappointments.
    I promise you if you were able to redirect your own disappointment and struggles with your husband over this, she'll pick up on that.
    That's why it's called projection.
    It's the energy, attitude and words you choose that influences a young child like this.
    Again, the mere fact that you use the words * condemn her to be an only child' is exactly the energy she picks up on. If you were to tell her that she was special and all that you could possibly want, she'd pick up on that too.
    You don't need to blantantly brainwash a child to have them react this way and use the words she does.
    She picks up on your disappointment and the strife in your marriage to come to this conclusion.
    If from the onset you reinforced how special she was that she she was all you needed, she'd pick up on that too.
    Maybe a bad analogy.- But I had a neighbor family, who's father was bitten by a dog when he was a small boy. I watched this family instill the same fear into their 3 small children indirectly. While 5 other families were running about with their family pets on a hot summer night, these 3 children ran frightened, home screaming crying. Not based on personal experience, but because their father was afraid of dogs. if I walked my dog, the dad would rush his kids home (Yellow Lab) Honestly, it was sad, and bizarre to watch at the same time.

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  6. #25
    Silver Member NymphaeaLilly's Avatar
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    If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that. I do tell her all the time that she's our little wonder and because she really IS special, I and my whole family (via WhatsApp) remind her of that, but not to the point of creating a narcissist. I am really proud of what a wonderful little person she's forming into.
    Also I am gently preparing her that there's a chance she'll never have a sibling. But she still refuses to give anything she had owned to my sister that's expecting a baby girl soon.

    reinventmyself I don't think your philosophy, that in order to be a good parent you need to be a saint without desires and fears so you don't subconsciously project them onto your kids, is really realistic. But kids also "decide" according to their own affinity which of our subconscious messages they are going to accept and which don't. I can't just switch off my desire to give her a sibling, it's one of my core values, but I do not consciously talk about it to her and avoid that theme altogether when she's around.

    For an example I hate seagrass and when it touches me I act as if a crocodile touched me. But I explain it to my daughter that my oversensitivity is irrational and it's just weed, but that I can't change my reaction
    (or more don't want to invest energy into it), but wish for her not to be a sissy like her mom.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by NymphaeaLilly
    If I am influencing her than that's so subconsciously that there's no why I can change it, coz I'm not even aware of doing that. I do tell her all the time that she's our little wonder and because she really IS special, I and my whole family (via WhatsApp) remind her of that, but not to the point of creating a narcissist. I am really proud of what a wonderful little person she's forming into.
    Also I am gently preparing her that there's a chance she'll never have a sibling. But she still refuses to give anything she had owned to my sister that's expecting a baby girl soon.

    .
    What??? Your family whatsapp your 4 year old to tell her how special she is??
    That is consciously influencing her! What 4 year old reads whatsapp??

    Why do you and your whole family have to tell her that she is so special?
    She is a 4 year old only. Sure you love her but really?

    A 4 year old refuses to give up anything! That’s normal. But they don’t have a choice. Because they are 4!

    What happens when she refuses to go to bed? You allow it?
    What happens when she refuses to eat pasta for dinner? You make her sausages?

    And what happens when she refuses to accept no sibling? Well you can’t allow it because it’s not something you can control? Right? However , I wonder if you approach all her refusals in the same manner?

    I hope you do have another kid before this one is completely spoiled.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Unfortunately it almost seems like your 4 yo is your adult partner and your husband is non-existent. You seem to already have mentally shifted to a single parent who is so lonely they treat thier child as a surrogate adult to talk to

    Perhaps making your entire existence about having x amount of kids, in y amount of time who are z years apart is an obcession that is consuming your life so much, you have lost sight of things.

    The contempt for your husband is very palpable and hardly seems new, just heightened by this baby fever.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    the bigger challenge is to raise your child to not expect one person to always be there for her.

    To do otherwise is to put a lot of pressure on your children. I have siblings and the truth is each of us is living our own lives with our own challenges and blessings.

    Contrary to childhood playtime of "when we grow up we'll all live next door to each other", at the end of the day, each of us is on our own, to make good choices and decisions. Which is life.

    One person, whether a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a friend is not ever enough for a whole life full of experiences, seasons, stages and challenges.

    You sound like maybe you're over romanticizing this new baby, at the expense of your marriage.

    Yes, society puts all kinds of ideas on us, re: what life should be. Focus on being happy with what you have, by taking care of what you already have.

    You're losing sight of what is actually important today- the people already here with you. The man you chose and the child you have. Fix that and who knows what opportunities will come into your life. Maybe in time you'll adopt or foster or get pregnant or NOT. And that's OK, too.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Great post Lambert.

    And isn't this SO true:

    "Contrary to childhood playtime of "when we grow up we'll all live next door to each other", at the end of the day, each of us is on our own, to make good choices and decisions. Which is life.
    "

  11. #30
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Going to change direction here momentarily.

    Adult to adult—as in: you to us—do you want to stay in this marriage? What's the gut saying? There's no wrong answer, but there is a true answer. That doesn't mean it's the final answer, but whatever it is? I think you need to start exploring it, taking it very seriously, figuring out the truest truth, so you can start reconfiguring your present life around that truth. Because from the outside? It just seems you're exerting all this emotional energy on the question of a second child to sate your toddler's emotional equilibrium in order to avoid the pressing issue here.

    Your 4 year old is going to really, really want a lot of things in life. Waffles for dinner. A pony. A Porsche convertible. The boy in high school who likes her friend instead of her. A position at the firm that went to the person two cubicles over. An infinity pool. Spiritual nirvana. If she ends up with a sibling? She will on occasion want the sibling to vanish from the face of the earth. And so on, until the end of time. These wants will consume her brain—for minutes, for much longer stretches—and when they go unmet? She will experience some hurt and disappointment. Along with the hurt and disappointment? She will experience growth, resiliency. This is life.

    I have no doubt in your sincerity in wanting a second child, for your own life, for hers, to see about completing that preexisting story in your mind. But at present, I think you are projecting, perhaps using your daughter's desire for a sibling as a substitute for a desire in yourself: to be in a romantic relationship that is fulfilling, rewarding, inspiring, new. Your daughter wants that too—for her happiness and for yours, without having an iota of what any of that means.

    So the question is: Do you want your next big romance to be with your husband, or not?

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