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Thread: Staying because of a child

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Work things out with your husband. I hope both of you come to some agreement. It sounds like you're in a lot of pain and hurt by a situation that is difficult to change. If having a second isn't in the cards for you, you'll have to accept that with grace.

    I hope you're able to focus on your marriage and realize all the great things you do have. Not everyone is blessed like that or has what you have and you won't have what some others have. That is life. Be thankful for your health and everything else.

    I also think you may be projecting a lot of your frustrations and yearnings onto your daughter. This is not difficult to do. Teach her to be more self-reliant and confident and assertive when it comes to living and coping in today's world. There are a lot of things you can teach and help her with.

    Contrary to your belief, siblings will not always be there for one another. A person still needs to develop ways to deal with challenges head on without leaning on their siblings or family members. There is also no guarantee that siblings will get along or want to have anything to do with one another when they grow older.

    Do you mind me asking if you're an only child?

  2. #12
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    So very true, RM.

    "Contrary to your belief, siblings will not always be there for one another. A person still needs to develop ways to deal with challenges head on without leaning on their siblings or family members. There is also no guarantee that siblings will get along or want to have anything to do with one another when they grow older.
    "


    That aside:

    Over all these past years there seem to have been a lot of issues. But you married this man anyhow. I have to agree with the poster who recommends counselling. AS it stands the situation isn't looking too great.

    What do you think?
    Last edited by LaHermes; 08-20-2020 at 06:27 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    What do you argue about?

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I am sorry for your situation, but I have to ask. How is it your 4 year old is sooo upset over not having a sibling?

    I ask because my sons are 5 years apart and outside of one or two curious questions, my first son didn't have the maturity to understand what he was missing. His life was full of playmates and was busy chasing bugs, he didn't stop to feel any loss what so ever over not having a sibling.

    Not to minimize your desire to have other children, I can't help but think you are either projecting or influencing your young daughter unnecessarily. She'snot at the age to really comprehend what she's missing unless someone is pointing it out to her.

    I realize this doesn't address your question, but you either accept and appreciate the family you have, adopt or take your chances and move on.
    In the meantime, your daughter will be fine. Don't drag her into this.
    I agree.

    I suggest some counseling, as the arguments are not healthy for your daughter. You are subjecting her to an unhealthy environment.

    Have you looked into adoption?

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  6. #15
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    So tired of this deprivation mindset for those of us who have "only" one child. Nonsense IMO. I'm married to an awesome only child and we have one child. One and done. For a number of reasons - some of those are because unless we wanted to adopt (we don't) we were one and done. I love my sister to the moon and back. She wouldn't really talk to me until I was 12 and she was 17. Even though we shared a small room.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I have a sibling. My brother is two years older than me and growing up I may have gleaned some experiences from having him in my life. I can't safely guarantee it though. I suppose I could say it taught me how *I didn't want to be treated.

    Though we are close now as adults, we didn't get along as siblings and as a angry teenager he exercized alot of that frusteration out on me. I definitely could have gone with out that experience in my life. From the age 16 til I was about 25 we didn't speak to each other. That was fun. <sarcasm>

    I only point this out because, just because you have a sibling, there are absolutely no guarantees you will even get along, let alone understand each other.
    Especially now with a 4 year old. With a stroke of luck you'd have a newborn when she's 5. What do you think they'll have in common?
    That was a consideration of mine. Second pregnancies you typically wish for the opposite sex so you'll have both experiences. Realizing the age differences, my hope was for another son so they would at least have that in common. But as it turned out the oldest started kindergarten about the time his brother was born.

    Yes, they do benefit from having each other in their lives. Being the same sex has alot to do with it. They haven't always gotten along though. Nothing huge. Their temperments are completely opposite and they often dont 'get' each other.

    But had my oldest been an only child, I have no doubt whatsoever he would have been perfectly fine and no different a person then he is today.

    I can't for the life of me imagine using the words 'condemn him to being an only child' It says a whole lot about your mindset regarding this. You are blessed by having a precious daughter. Focus on that instead.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 08-20-2020 at 08:09 PM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Yes, it is wrong and dishonest. You are thinking of using your husband as a sperm donor and dispose of him once you get your way and you are using your daughter as an excuse. That's all kinds of messed up imo. No kid is happy when their parents divorce. Divorce scars kids, yet you are planning on scaring a second child instead of trying to save your first child from experiencing such heart ache by working on saving your marriage. A special person for your daughter is her father, yet you are planning on divorcing him. Giving your daughter a sibling does NOT guarantee that this sibling will always be there. A sibling is not a parent, not all siblings get along or are dependable and some die. Your energy would better be spend on trying to save your marriage.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Clio
    Your energy would better be spend on trying to save your marriage.
    . . because if you love that daughter, the best gift you can give her is the foundation of a healthy family life and two loving parents.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    If your marriage is rocky, very unhappy and unstable with your husband now, then having a child with him, will make all of you extra miserable for life.

    A happy, sound, respectful, very loving marriage brings a joyous family life. Anything short of that is a disaster waiting to happen.

    I know several only children who have fulfilling lives. They surround themselves with great friends for life and have learned to become fiercely independent. It's better for your child to be an only child than bring another child into the world while you're not having a smooth marriage with your husband.

  11. #20
    Gold Member waffle's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    OP.

    . . .you say:

    "It breaks my heart not to be able to give her that special person, the one who'll always be there."

    I really do wish there was some way to persuade people to stop saying "always" and "forever".
    So do I. It suggests that there are guarantees in life and the fact is there are not.

    For the record, when I was about 7 I wanted a sister soooooooo bad. I asked my mother for one repeatedly (since my bratty little brother was such a disappointment) I asked for Christmas, I asked for my birthday. I never got the sister. I got over it.

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