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Thread: In hospital the last few days...reminded of why I didn't want my dad moving in..

  1. #11
    Super Moderator HeartGoesOn's Avatar
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    I'm sure this has already been said, but sooner or later this will take a toll on your marriage. I'd focus on resolving this before it escalates even further, and it will.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    There's a saying that you can't change others, but you can change how you react to them.
    So, given your Dad is the way he is, instead of trying to figure out how to get him to stop, what you are going to do and what are you going to say differently?

    I personally believe that when someone has undergone surgery, it's one of those times in your life you pretty much get a free pass to say exactly what's on your mind . . . even if the other person doesn't like it.
    Here's your perfect opportunity to do something differently, rather than sit passively by and allow your Dad to grind you the way he does.

    No and stop are complete sentences.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cinadan
    I'm trying to find him a studio. I will pay the rent until what he gave me for the mortgage is paid off. The problem is that rents for a decent place are expensive and I'll be shelling out more cash to get him set up. For all the years he lived alone, he never bought any furniture and just used what the previous landlord provided. He didn't even get a kitchen table until 6 years after moving in. Previously, he'd just eat dinner at his desk.
    There are furnished studio apartments for rent.

  4. #14
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    I think you should not pay for his place. If he gave you a lump sum towards your mortgage, i would give it back. If he is paying you monthly, suspend payments and ask him to move.

    BTW, please know he is doing this because he cares about you - especially in light of your mom being gone if she died from something preventable. (he could be overly concerned because of that). Then, if you know that its coming from a place of care, you can have a better conversation about it with him - acknowledging that he does this because he cares, but yet it makes you feel as if he thinks you are a child.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Absolutely right, Heart.

    "I'm sure this has already been said, but sooner or later this will take a toll on your marriage. I'd focus on resolving this before it escalates even further, and it will."

  7. #16
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Bottom line, you need to tell Dad you appreciate his concern, but put your foot down and tell him to go home.

    He's being overbearing and that's not helpful.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    Bottom line, you need to tell Dad you appreciate his concern, but put your foot down and tell him to go home.

    He's being overbearing and that's not helpful.
    I practically had to threaten to call hospital security and have him ejected to get him to back off. Due to COVID the hospital is taking precautions by limiting the number of visitors per day. I was really angry that he used my visitor pass and brought his friend (who I barely knew - the last time I met this guy was over 10 years ago) and thought it was OK, meaning that my wife couldn't come and visit (you get 2 visitor passes per day). Of course part of that is a mistake on the hospital's part, where they should let you put down who can visit you.

    I think he's always been like this since I was young. I've tried rationally speaking with him, but then he tries to say I'm being ungrateful. I've always suspected that he is not as sharp as he used to be. He simply couldn't pick up on the cue that he didn't need to be right behind the urinal with me in the bathroom, for instance.

    He's not going to change, so I might as well tell him he needs to move out. Whether or not he will put up a fight is another story.
    Last edited by cinadan; 08-21-2020 at 08:25 AM.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Calling security to have him removed is dramatic. You can calmly and respectfully tell him that you are a grown man that he raised you well enough to think for yourself. As much as you appreciate that his remarks come from a place of love and concern, you need to focus on your health and your views are counter to his.
    You love him but for the time being it's best he not visit for remainder of your stay. Remind him that you love him and you will see him when you return home. If he insists on still showing up, you have the right to tell the hospital he not be admitted.. It's pretty simple and less dramatic.
    He 'll likely debate it, but you calmly respond that this is not debatable. Period. Say no more.
    Believe that you have what it takes to be firm, diplomatic and calm about this. Setting boundaries shouldn't be a battle. You state your position and remain consistent. He on the other hand will likely escalate and make a fuss but you don't need to join him.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Yes. as soon as you are able, do whatever it takes to get him and his stuff out of your life. The antagonistic relationship will only get worse as his cognitive decline marches on. You need to take action and move him out.

    He may put up a stink but the bottom line is you have every right to get him out. You are risking your and your wife's health and marriage. A one time hissy fit is worth it in the long run. Stop letting guilt run your life.
    Originally Posted by cinadan
    He's not going to change, so I might as well tell him he needs to move out. Whether or not he will put up a fight is another story.

  11. #20
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    I am sure that he is concerned, but he is also very controlling.

    Brining the friend was not acceptable.

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